I am trying.

Ok, I need to put myself back together again and find a way to recover from the loss of my wife, who I was with for 28 years. The real question is how does one do that in today’s America, when everything you see or do, or look at reminds you of the one you lost?

Memories are hard to live with folks, good ones especially fo rthe laughter the fun, the joy and the hugs and love are gone now. So what do I do next to find my way back to humanity and life in general?

I write so blogs will be one way to expresss my feelings. I watch television and I am trying to clean my house out now day by day, a bit at a time.

I know life will not stop fo rme, but I also know I am lonely, and on my own for the first time in 28 years. I don’t have my wife, my daughters and grandchildren are five hundred miles away. My wife’s daughter an dher kids are 45 minutes away of more by car. I see no one relaly unless I go out of my house and walk the malls and stores.

My body keeps going so far although at time I wonder if my heart will give out from the pain of the loss. the mind keeps spinning and I know I have to move on and not dally on memories and find others to socialize with too. Time shall tell if I can, but, I know I must try at least.

In my lifetime I have watched America go from a we. we, we society to now a me. me, me society and screw you. The callistness of it all, the coldness of it all is sad to me in all ways. When I grew up, being born in 1956, I was only old enough to understand things, when I hit the sixities. I realized the world was not perfect at a young age, but I remember when, yes I do.

As a child I was spurned and objected to, because i didnt fit in well, in society, but I adjusted through the years one thing ata time of course, weall do. By the end of the sixities, I was becoming more me and doing things for others not myself, mostly.

The seventies brought me around to making friends I still have today, thank god, out there. we hung together, laughed together and loved together and got to know one another well. We helped each other move families from apartments to apartments, went out together played games together. And we were all in it together mainly, it was still a we society, really.

I grew older and decided I had to do something to stay alive in the seventies to further my life, so I joined the military and started a new life. First the Army which I didnt stay in long due to a hardship trainiee discharge. Then The National Guard and Then the Navy where I grew up and realized I had responisibilities and duties to fullfill.

I married in the Navy and thought I had found a wife for life and had two daughters, till I fell and hurt myself and was discharged, fo rmedical reasons. Yet I did not see what lay ahead and no one could know what her life was like before I met her. Life is cruel to some and some are sick inviduals out there and they hurt tyheir own children in many ways, some mentally. some physically and some sexually, abuse come sin many forms, and I had no idea she had been abused.

As time dragged on I went thru the 70’s to the 80’s to 1989 when the Navy said no more for me in it’s service. I could return to sea anymore due to my injuries of six herniated discs inmy spine from a fall. I was discharged then in July, Honorable under Medical Conditions. when I was I could not finda job anymore no matter how hard I tried. so we gave up our home an dmoved to Pittsburgh, Pa. with my wife’s mother and brother. Little did I know, what would happen next.

A divorce a legal fight and in the end I was alone once more no children, no wife and my parents died all in a flash of 2 years or so. It wasa mad rush to survive then, I fought to eat and sleep and finda way, living in the YMCA and in a one bedroom in a basement of a building.

Then I found my second wife and life moved forward to more eductaion, to more love, to more belonging and caring and sharing of all, we were, together. It would be 28 years of togetherness, backinga nd supporting one another, leaning on each other and loving one another. I kept my wedding vows to her, which were to learn, to love and grow together as we lived together in peace.

How was I to know it would turn intoa 16 year battle against cancer for her and I? I never did. How was I to know how it would end 28 years after we started with her dying at home, in hospice from her cancer? I didnt thats for sure and it hurts nig time, but at least now there is no morepain or suffering for her. But I suffer because i am alone and on my own these days, failing about, looking for ways to survive as I empty a large old home, and try to find a way forward for myself.

Now I go day by day after burying her, and try to clean out a big house and get ready for selling it and to finding aplace for me to go next and live a new life without her. I have applied for single bedroom apartments now in three places, the waiting lists are, 2 to four years now for such a pace to live.

Discussions on where I go and what I do next are happening and in my thoughts daily. some say i should sell the house get out and go north to be near my sister in Massachusetts to have someone close to me near by. Others are asking me if i wantt o go west to Pittsburgh to be with my daughters and their children, my grandkids. I havent made up my mind as of yet, for I am struggling with trying to clea rout and sell our home, take care of the esate death taxes for my wife’s death and such. Nothing can be done fast, Lawyers wil lhave to be notifyied and visited by me, to get it done correctly. I have to pay for her funeral and burial anda headstome yet. I am engulfed by what it all adds up to and hope i can finish it all in due time. each day i am alone in the big home we shared, I am reminded of her everywhere I look and get depressed and sad.

I sometimes wonder, what I did in my life to deerve this pain and hurt and anguish I am going through. Was I that bad or lousy of a person as a kid or young adult? Did I offend or hurt someone? Did I anger God at me, what happened? I may never know, I just know, I must survive somehow till my own demise, is next.

Anyway, I write these blogs, I try discussions and chatrooms online in second life and I use facebook and I try to get out of the house as much as I can by walking the mall in my area, looking at stores, watching people walk by and then calling my sister and a few friends i have now and then or trying to visit them.

I know if i don’t persist in cleaning out the hous eit can’t be sold an dthe estate taxes taken care of, so I try to do some each day. I havent slept much since my wife’s death, I wake up every few hours, I dont get in bed i sleep on the couch or in a recliner near the tv with it running all the time. I am told I shall be in this shape and condition fora while an dit will take a long time to recover. I don’t know if i can withstand it, but I am trying.