Finding life again?

Well for the first time on Labor Day, I am without my wife in 28 years. I miss her deeply, but have learned over the past three weeks or so that, cancer kills and she fought a long good fight with it.

She fought in every way she could and in the end, I had to do what was right by her. She entered Hospice on July 29th and died on August 10th. I washed her, fed her, talked to her, and kept her company each day I could. I never left her alone for long, and in the end I felt like I was guilty for taking her through hospice and giving her comfort meds. So, In the end I held on as long as I could holding myself together. I was very lucky to have a sister with me to help me through it all, she stayed after she came. Without my sister I would not be here today in my mind, she made life possible for me and stopped me from joining my wife.

, I now have a big house to empty, and sell and in the end I must only keep what i need for a single Bedroom apartment. Where will I live well ,I am not certain yet. I am currently indecisive really, I can stay in the area of the house or move to anywhere ,I want now. The only real family I have now as a widower is my sister, and she and her man have been great to me.

Grieving is a process I am learning and each step is rough and not easy to go through. One day at a time I keep thinking and doing. I can’t keep answering questions from her relatives as to what is next because iI don’t know yet. The house is huge and filled of her stuff ,end to end and mine also. I know in the end I have to give it away or sell it all, and the house must go. I can’t stand being in it for long periods, it drives me into depression at times and I end up talking to myself.

When you are married for 28 years and someone is constantly there, you are used to their presence, there chatter, their words and actions. Then suddenly they are gone, so what do you do?

I found myself in a shape I didn’t want to be in and I realized,I may hurt myself or commit suicide. I found a chat site online that helped me to realize ,I needed help one day ,and listened to those there. They recommended I seek help for they could tell I was in trouble. So they recommended I call someone or get some help. I called the Veteran’s Crisis Line and help was there. Lucky for me, they talked me into going tyo the Veteran’s Hospital for help.’

I got help it was ten days worth. I thank God and The Veteran’s Administration for their help. I went through hell for 16 years of a battle with cancer fro her, I loved her deeply. As time goes on now I still tear up at the thought of her being gone. Daily it gets me, but as a Doctor told me and many others I did all I could for her as her husband and I have nothing to feel bad or guilty about. I did all I could and there was nothing more one can do in the end for a cancer patient who is dying. I held on after her death long enough to bury her. Once the Burial ended and i returned home, I couldn’t take the isolation, the loneliness and her presence so strong in our home. I found myself talking to a person not there anymore and the walls. I reached out for help because i honestly thought of dying myself.

As it turns out, ten days in a facility to prevent suicide helped but the pain still persists, as does the loneliness. Each day, I try to remember the good times and not the bad with her. Her smile, her laughter, her voice is missed daily by me. She kept me under control and she was always there, now she is gone.’

Many years ago I started in a one bedroom studio apartment, when I met her, I know I must, for I am here and she is gone It will be hard now to go on without her and in the end, I am now a 65 year old widower, I can’t believe that and find my eyes tearing up when I think of it. We all lose people in life for one reason or another, but I am tired of cancer being apart of my life and coming at myself and those I love so much. No one has found a way to beat cancer as of yet, I am praying daily someone will find a cure. The Grieving Process I am sure will be long term for me, so will the selling of the home and finding a place to live as a single 65 year old man. I only hope and pray, I can survive it and find life again for the rest of my life I have left.

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