I know, I must go on, alone.

Ok, Today is September 5th,2021, my wife died on August 10rh, 2021 and I buried her on August 20th, 2021. By August 23rd, I drove myself into a hospital for depression and anxiety. Many will say it is weak to do so, that is a lie folks, if you get so depressed you feel like killing yourself, please do what I did, get help in anyway you can.

I loved my wife in everyway I could, I gave her anything she wanted and now she is gone. It is hard to deal with the isolation and the loneliness that her passing has caused me. I break down and cry now and then and the tears flow as I think of her gone now. I miss her dearly no doubt and many I think don’t understand the pain and loss a survivor feels when their spouse dies. I know I didn’t until it happened to me.

The time now slowly ticks by since her passing and I wonder what I will do with myself next. I have to set priorities now, pay the bills on my own each month as they come due, then try to feed and care for myself also, as I go along.

I have to settle the Probate matters somehow, so first will be to call the Lawyer to help me do so. Settle the estate, selll, the house and find a place to live that is affordable to my budget. Cleaning out the house will be rough, taking away all that is her and saving what I need and want for memories of course. Then I have to deal with her relatives and try to appease them also, it’s almost impossible for they want stuff and they really have no claim on anything. I don’r wish to alienate anyone, or fight or argue with anyone, but, in the end they can only have what I give them period.

I do have a plan, but to start I need time, time to heal emotionally, tine to pull myself together and then time to find an apartment or place to live for me, that is affordable and comfortable for a single man. I never thought once in my life I would be a widower at 65, but here I be trying to figure how to pull myself together and go on without her.

When your with someone 28 years, you get used to their sounds, their breathe, their laughter, their actions around you. Then suddenly they are gone, totally and poof you are alone. The house reminds me of her every second I am in it, her smell, her clothes, her pictures and more are there. It’s like a trip down memory lane in real life, but the person is not there anymore, she is gone from me now forever. It hurts.

It hurt so much, I had to reach out for help, so I would not join her in her death. I called for help and found it thank God. I went for help after calling a crisis line and talking to them, they convinced me to go to a hospital. I ended up with ten days, in a hospital ward being watched, talked to, medicated. I needed it believe me and still have to take medication to deal with the emotional toll, from her death.

I have come to realize now, as a Doctor said, I did nothing wrong in my wife’s case. she was a Hospice Patient at home, I washed her, I fed her, I kept her warm and comfortable, and talked to her for as long as possible. In the end the cancer won, and she fought a long hard fight for sixteen years too. We fought it together and now she is gone and I am alone.

So much must be done now that I am overwhelmed with sadness. My life is gone as I knew it. I must now find a way to go on without her here. I must first and foremost remember she would not want me to join her till my time has come naturally. So, hanging on is a big thing I must do if not for myself for my sister, for my grandkids and my friends too.

First steps first though, step one must be to contact the Lawyers, settle her estate and death taxes. Then, I need a new place to live that does not contain all the memories we shared. Then, move and empty the house and selll it. There is no way a single man can keep such a house on his own no matter how I did it. It’s too big and too expensive to run alone..

Once out ,I can go back and clean it out, and sell it, as fast, as I can. Everything will be one step at a time is all I can do.

IT will be an adventure and a hard one to find my way as a widower, on my own again. But at some point I know I must go on alone.

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