It is now 5:37 am, September 9th, 2021, I awoke at 4 am and attempted to go back to sleep and failed. Sleep patterns change for me still now, almost 30 days after the death of my wife. I soiught help and have pills to help me sleep but at best I get 6 hours a nite. Hopefully with time it will get better.
Each day I face decisions now on my own, Do I get rid of the house yes I must! I have no purpose for a big house like we had and in truth we should have never needed it. We did what my wife wanted because I always gave her everything she wanted period. Now I face her being gone and have to clean it all up and get rid of it.
I have to go see the Lawyers who did our Living Trust, get thru probate for her death and then sell all I can to live my life out without her. Time will telll how it goes, but, I am hoping iit will be fine in the end.
I have a long day ahead and much to do. Yesterday I called and ordered her headstone for her grave and mine too to go with it. When I die I go beside my wife and all who know me know it too. When people die, we who survive them, have to learn to face the world again on our own and it is not easy.
Learning ro pay the bills again, learning what needs done on my own is ok bur at times can be rough. I have learned I can’t live alone in that big house anymore iit must go. No single man can keep a four bedroom home by himself, it costs too much to run and maintain, period.
That said I am finding also, that people iI thought were family, at times have become much like vultures sitting on branches waiting to devour or grab whatever they can. I never thought I would see that happen in this case but, it happens in all deaths sooner or later. Sadly, I wont let it happen, I will clean out my house and if i find what I deem my wife wanted others to have, I shall put them aside and give them to them when I finish only, and at my own pace.
I have been on this planet earth now for 65 years and I have seen many die and leave it, but never have I seen people send letters of what they want to the surviving spouse! Nor have I ever seen people who divide things up while the person is dying in front of them, but it happened. I find it disgusting and disrespectful to my wife who died and if she had seen it, she would have threw them out and told them off!
That said and done, I know the laws and iI know what my wife wanted at the time of her death, I listened to her clearly. She wanted no production, no show at her funeral or graveside burial. I tried to honor her wishes at all times. I loved her dearly and miss her of course.
I am far from stupid regarding all involved in this period of time of my wife dying. What many forget and seemed to have forgot, is her fight was a long brave one I stayed with her thru, sixteen years worth to be almost exact.. Each test or proceedure takes something away from a cancer patient and believe it or not their spouse who is going thru it with them also. As they begin to fade slowy, the survivior fades some with them also. The smiles disappear, the temper gets shorter, the attitude changes and we get more protective of those suffering as we go along. I know I have lived thru it now, recentky with my wife passing on August 10th, 2021.
I held on emotionally by a thread till her burial on August 20th, 2021. After I bueied her, I felll ompletely apart in that big house by myself within three days. The Isolation, the loneliness, almost killed me, literally. I walked in circles talking to myself and the walls and her and no one was there. By the third day odfdoing so I was scared I was going to committ suicide and i was borderline. So I reached out for help, I called the Veteran’s Crisis LIne who talked me into coming in to a hospital. I was in serious trouble and knew it, the loss of my wife was devastating to me.
I was talked to, medicated and evaluated for iit all of course. I reached out, got help! None of it is easy folks, surviving a loved ones death from cancer is as rough as I have ever had it in my life. The reprecussions and effects of such a loss is immensce and fully makes one question,ones reason for being here ,on earth. Makes one go, What am I here for, what is my puepose now, that she is gone? Before her death iit was all for her and our life together, now all I have is my life, to carry on. Now I must determine what to do all alone on my own, where do I go, how willl I live, where willl I live and so much more.
Others who survived her death have families or children to return to and lives to carry on, I am left alone, isolated and struggling. Mankind, humanity is a social based species, we depend on others to be around, to talk to, to interact with, to laigh and cry with. When you alone suddenly, it is not good to have no one at all.
Now I know I am not alone in grieving my wife, there are many who are also, but not with me or as intense as I am. I gave 28 years of my life to her, I built around her, I gave her anything I could and loved her to pieces. Now suddenly she is gone period! 16 of those years were all fighting cancer!
Welll iits now 29 days since her death, and time to start to clean up, and change things and try hard to get things done as needed. I find myself reluctant of course to enid of alll we built and did, but in the end one man can not maintain such a home by themselves at 65 years old. So I have no choice now in all I do, time will not wait for me. I am 65 now and how much time I have left myself I do not know, but I do know, I can’t spend it, grieving forever and to get out of the depression and grieving process, I must move forward in my life. I can’t and won’t forget her and alll we had, I just need to escape the boundires and places we lived so I can live more and survive till I die. I know she would not want me ro end my life, she would want me to try to be happy again.
Saying goodbye to someone you loved so completely is not easy, I will alway hold her in my heart and mind no matter what!
Macattack56's Blog 