Ican only, keep going, the best I can.

It is now 32 days since my wife’s death, She is buried and her headstone is on it’s way being made. I miss her everyday. The hardest part of her dying is the suddeness of her death when it happened, the isolation I felt after it and the depression that struck me. Then, later comes the harder part, cleaning out her belongings and giving them away to others. Every step of a spouse’s death is rougher than I ever expected it to be. I get periods of depression and anxiety, then moments I have to be quiet, because I am still in shock. Memories of our 28 years together come back to me in conversations and more.

Learning to pay the bills, then learning I have to keep going has been rough. I almost surrendered to it all and committed suicide, but I reached out and got help and ended up spending ten days in a hospital. Depression can kill folks and it almost got me, but, I survived it, by seeking help, lots of talking and theraphy. Then I was also saved by my sister who came and stayed while she died and then came back for the graveside buriel and came and got me, to stay with her. Without her or her man I would have joined my wife.

Now, as I clean out the house i must sell, one room and area at a time, I find that after 21 years of marriage and 28 years together we accumilated too much she never let me throw away. I ordered a 20 cubic foot dumpster and it was filled in two days and I only cleared out the garage and part of the master bedroom. SO much is left to go thru, box after box, bag after bag, item after item.

I have been slowly doing so searching for things her daughter wants, but so far no, I havent found eithe rof the rwo most important items she requested. I have slowly gone box by box, item by item so far and no, whatever I do, the items are not here.

I will keep going until I finally sell the house and get out entirely, no way I can stay there. The house was her dream, it was decorted and painted as she wanted not me. As I deconstruct it I reminded how she demanded her colors, her items and her look in it. I gave her everything I could, and she knew it too.

While her cancer raged and she got closer to death, in the hospital one day she looked at me and said, “I didnt want to put you thru this at all I am sorry!” I looked back at her and said “Don’t worry I am fine, just get better I am here!.” The last words we had that we both understood fully were my telling her” I loved her and her saying it back to me!” So, I know she knew I wa sthere and that I loved her.

Now on day 32 after her passing, I still tear up and cry thinking of her and how much I miss her. I take my medications and I settle in each day and just keep going. It is a battle of course and I do not show it in front of others, but, there is no other way for me. I know I have to continue on, I am alive and that I can not change and won’t, plus I can’t bring her back. I can’t stop cancer i have found now for the fifth time, no matter how many doctors I took her to, or tests we did of chemo or radiation sessions or immunio theraphy sessions. I tried I did in all ways I could, but, medical science, and money and time could not stop it or save her.

The future for me I do not know yet, I do know I will sell the house and move away from where we lived, no matter what. I need a place of my own, and a new life even at 65 years old. Maybe an apartment or condo, and new furniture and a decent SUV with AWD. That way I can find new friends and have fun again. For 28 years I did very little without my wife, I stayed home and kept her company in all ways. For the last 16 years, we fought her cancer, every way we could, and i did it voluteerily and would never walk away like some husbands did. I never abandoned her or walked away and couldn’t, wasn’t in my make-up. I was with her for each moment period.

I am hoping now, after 28 years, the last 16 fighting cancer hers and my own, I can finallt have some time for myself to enjoy life, make mew friends and havea life again on my own. I want to see things like Reba live, or be able to go out havea few drinks and laugh or just enjoy life. My end can’t be that far ahead, I am 65 now. I am not foolish or stupid we all die and have an ending. I just want to have some time for myself to enjoy whats left for mine. I can only keep going, the best I can, keep the memories of her alive in me, and find my own life to live again.

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