Each day is a walk towards the future in many ways.One day at a time is the best way to go, it shows that life does go on no matter what. It doesnt stop for one person’s death, or for a million deaths, time keeps ticking.
As I try to move forward from my wives death, I wonder to myself, how long I have left and what to do with my own life as I carryon alone. Decisions have to be made and made quickly in many ways.
I know for a fact I can’t stay in the big house we had, it drives me into depression and sorrow over her death and the memories it carries in it. So the process is well underway to clean it out and sell it now, I have begun it and I am not sorry at all for doing so.
When a loved one dies it is devasting, when it’s your spouse it is twice as bad, but when in my case it was my spouse and lover and friend and it was cancer it was severely worse. I have already lived thru cancer in so many cases it was like an add on to that pain, plus the brand new pain of all of her, dying.
Not to make this seem like I am, just stuck on this subject, but, for me, it hurt and hurt big!
Now that the process is underway and I am moving somewhat forward in cleaning up the house, her headstone and mine for the future and more, it is a bit of a releif in a way. I know what I must do and I have a decent idea of where I want to go in the future now.
It will be different for me for sure. I havent lived alone in 28 years in any way. Now I will need a smaller place, new surroundings and a new home of some sort. I know some thought when my wife died I would stay closer to where I lived, but there really is no reason to in my book. Plus I will recover myself better if i am not in that area any more. So I am going to sell it all and move away to another state and start new at 65 years old. Won’t be easy, won’t all be smooth, but will be worth it, just to leave where we lived so long. It is in my mind and heart, the best way to do this so I can survive and live longer.
Today marks 33 days since my wife’s death. Each day, I get more determined in what I must do and move toward it slowly. I miss her of course and always will, but I also know now she is out of pain and at rest with the Good Lord and that is best for her, if it isnt for me. The cancer battle finally ended for her, after 16 years of fighting it in everyway and me by her side. I stayed, I took her to Doctors, Scans, radiation and chemo theraphy and in the end immuniotheraphy and thru Emergency rooms, ICUs and Hospitals, and in the end, thru Rehab Facilities and Hospice Care at home. I did all I could to keep her alive and make her comfortable when she was dying and died. I can not think of anything more, I could have done for her, in my mind and heart.
I remember her telling me back in March after she fell the first time and her journey to her end began, ” I didnt want to put you thru this!” I remember my reply at the time too, ” I am here and I would have it no other way, I am not leaving you.” I held true to that statement to the very end. Some men would have run and hid or tried to avoid it all, I didnt, I lived it with her.
When she was dying and got near to the point of no return, I told her i loved her and always will no matter what, her last reply to me was, ” She Loved me too” I tear up when I think of it all. Yet the end had to come and it did. I remember when she died her raspy breathing, her getting ready and I saw the pain start. I fed her morphine to kill the pain and 20 minutes later it ended, she was gone. The suddeness of it all shocked me and I at first went really, and yes it was real. You can’t pick a time, the good lord does it for you and you are suddenly gone, just like that.
I am glad I was there and got to tell her I loved her again. There are days like today now, when I can feel the depression rolling in on me and I have to reach for medication to hold it off, as I tear up writing this. Each day is different, my mind and heart say go forward, my emotions and feelings say, don’t let go. I know I must though, for if I don’t ,the damage to my pysc and my emotional well being will be beyond repair and I will fall backwards into depression again. So medication and a positive look forward, helps me.
I have to look forward to a new place, whether it is an apartment or condo, a new location, making new friends and trying to reneter the world again alone. It wont be easy, but, at some point it must happen, better sooner than later is how I see it. That to me, is a more realistic view, than sitting around stewing, in depression and sadness daily.
I felt guilty in a way, because I gave her the morphine as she was dying, so I thought I was hurrying her death along. Then a Doctor, told me as I was hospitalized for depression, morphine doesn’t kill, cancer does. That, started my return to normal or as close as a grieving person can get. I came to terms with the fact the morphine only killed her pain, it didn’t kill her. Then I felt guilty more because i survived cancer myself in 2013, but I could not save her, from hers. Then, my mind slowly figured out, I don’t control these things they are beyond man’s control, as to when we come or go, it is God’s Will so to say and he recalls us when he says it is our time. Somehow I am still working thru it all, but, I know I did all I could for her, and I know now ,she is in no more pain and that was the best thing for her.
I fed her, cleaned her, talked to her and brought her home. I did all I could and I know it now, I followed her wishes when she died to no show or production made it simple and easy as she always told me to. Graveside goodbye and a reception afterwards was all. I ordered her gravestone and it will be there soon enough. Was there more I could have done for her, I doubt it, for I can’t think of anything else she wanted.
There may be one or two, or a few who may think it should have been a more formal funeral for her. To them I say this, I listened to my wife for 28 years, I did as she wanted in everyway. I wouldn’t change it for a minute so, it is what she asked me to do. Period. May God Bless her soul and keep her safe forevermore.