October 1st, 2021, Thoughts

I wake automatically it seems as close to 6 am, like I did today at 6;30 or so. Seems old military habits die hard and stick with you, no matter what ,you do. Yesterday was September 30th, and yes, I knew it was my wife’s birthday also. I spent it thinking of her now that she is gone and passed from this planet.Memories of her and our twenty eight years together, always come back to me, and they come back more on such days as birthdays and holidays and will I am sure. I will always miss her and love her, no matter what.

That said, time marchers on for all of us, including me. I must finish clearing the house and selling it, before I can move on. Hopefully, it will be soon enough. Some will say, why move on, simple, memories and the size of the house. A four bedroom house is far too big for one man to maintain and heat, the cost alone would hurt me.

So now, I look at house sales in the area of my sisters home in Massachuetts, why there, simple, she is the last family member, I am close to, and I want to be near her. I realize I dont need a big place when I move, so I am looking at condos and being 65, I am hoping to find a decent place to live, on my income.Time will tell of course, I saw one so far, but, it is not possible to get it. So, the search shall continue on.

Each day, I think about the past, the future and the present in different ways. The past, I try to remember the good times with my wife, who passed and the present is how to get things done and the third is what do I do, with my future. I pray I make the right decisions and I pray, my health stays ok. I’ve attempted to do right by all, concerning my wife’s passing and I think I have.

Will I be ok in the future and how long do I have left, I can’t answer these questions at this point in time, I must take one day at a time. I only know, I can’t wallow in grief, nor can I do self-pity. I never could and I guess in a way, yes, I am a realist as my wife told me. I have to deal with the real to survive and be practical.

October is upon us now, and the weather is shifting as the seasons change, the cold air is coming in now. New England brings the chill of fall and winter is not far behind for sure, it seems. The changing of the seasons in New England brings colors, then, it turns to a naked bareness, and then white before it wil turn green again next spring. It reminds me of the coming and going of the ages and the natural forces we have no control over each day we live. Somethings you just have to go along with, for there is, no changing them.

Sometimes as I watch the news each day, and see how the world is going on and I wonder what I am here for these days. When my wife was alive, I would do what she wanted day by day and take care of her and our home and cars. Now she is gone and at times, I wander without reason or purpose it seems, going theough the motions only, aimlessly. In everyone’s life there is always someone, something that gives us a purpose or reason to carry on. It is a part of life few of us really understand, until we lose the one or the purpose or complete it. So, at some point, we find a new purpose, a new reason or a new person to live for. So, far I remain aimless and searching, this much I know for sure,

Anyway, the news is always there when you rurn on the television each day or the radio. In America it is more so,for us. We have CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN, HLN and more. Each shouting about the politicians and what they are doing or not doing. Then, we get the missing person reports and the killing reports, and then always lately, economic bad news. It seems these news agencies and stations only report the bad, few will cover anything good. It does get depressing even in America. Sometimes, I think we are too conected to the news and the world and we worry too much, to even stop. We run to and fro, each day, work, stores and back home. Sometimes, I stop and think, the world is like an ant hill, we are like working ants, we scurry to and fro and gather food and drink and do our jobs and when done we scurry back into our homes/ ant hills and rest and do it all over again, each day. I know mankind, humanity is supposed to be the more intelligent species, but are we really, or are we just like the ants on a smaller, higher level is all, doing basically the same things. Ever stop and wonder on that one folks?

Anyway, from my view or front porch outwards, it seems the world is a mess in many ways. We shift through it and we skimp and save and try to make ends meet. We run into interferences like covid and illnesses and we attempt to over come them all. We watch one another, our loved ones, and our neighbors and family and friends and all of us are doing the same thing. Trying to survive, trying to get ahead, trying to make an income and pay our bills to survive. Is the rat race all we have folks? You tell me!

Is there peace to be found on earth and for each of us, or does it only come when we die and pass away? I wonder at times, I honestly do. As America borders on defaulting on it’s bills to the world, people panic about losing social security and disablity payments and insurance and heating costs and house costs rise, where shall we go from here Americans, where will America go, up and stay on top, or fall into a third world category and disappear? Is it possible that America has run it’s course, the Romans did, The Aztecs did, The Incas did, have we? We need to decide, and we need to do so, now!

Decisions are what make all of us, live or die, survive and strive, or lose our way. What decisions will you make, what path do we take, how do we save the America we all love and live in? Whatever it is folks, we must all do it together, or we fail as a country and nation!

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