Looking back and Ahead at Once


October is rolling right along now, the air is becoming chilly and the leaves are changing left and right here in New England today. The best part of fall in New England is the freshness of the chilly air and the bright colors of the trees as they change before dropping all their leaves for winter. Scenic is what it becomes for sure.

Time slowly marches forward as always for me and i know i am getting older each day, I feel it in my bones and in my body. Yet at 65 I still have enough left to get up everyday and do what I can to move forward for my life and all I need to do to stay alive and livea life of some kind.

Being who I am I have always done everything in twos it seems. Even in my first marriage i had two of everything, two cars, two televisions and more. In my second marriage the same pertained and existed. I had two marriages, two daughters, two dogs at one time and two cats at another. It is funny how that turned out for me. Whats next is the next question of course, and that I am trying to face daily now that I am a widower at 65.

Selling my home that was ours is the first thing I have to work on next. I am holding estate sales to get rid of all in it and what I don’t sell I shall give to GoodWill or Donate to someplace else. I have no need for all of it and when I move and sell the house i want a new area anda fresh start to all I do. Smaller and just for me will be perfect, if I am am lucky I will find a condo I can afford and set up for a single man now.

Some may ask if there will be another woman in my life, I can only answer that in one way, fates and destiny now controll me, so what ever the Good Lord intends for me is what will happen. I am in no rush, but, I also hate being alone for long periods, so time will tell. I will always miss my wife, she was my bedrock and my person to converse with and make decisions with, now, i must do so, all alone. It won’t be easy, but, I am sure I have no choice and will do my best at it.

Once the house is cleaned out and done and sold, I shall find a place, I am sure. I want to have a place of my own, that is small and comfy and I don’t need a lot. I don’t want anything big or that I dont need, I want necessaries and to live peaceful and just find things to do, that will keep my mind busy and my heart full.

As to current conditions in the world as I see them today, politics in America will kill the country unless they can get on one page at some point. Violence rules the world really and sadly murders are on the rise as prices rise also across the world and in our American economy daily. It is sad in many ways, it happens because mankind is divided by politics, race, religion and boundries. We fight over whose opionion is right or wrong and who has what and how to share it or not share it all. It is a sad world for sure.

I have spent most of my life serving others, I served my parents as i grew up working with my dad to rebuild the old house they bought. Then I moved on to serve in the service for 16 years and to take care of my first wife and two daughters, then when that blew up and ended in a divorce, I did not want, I started over and took care of my second wife for 28 years and rebuilt again. It seems to me I have been taking care of and serving others all my life in one way or another. I guess my destiny and fate is to do so, at least up to now.

Now I have spent 16 years in the service, and then did 28 years taking care of my second wife of which 16 of those were fighting her cancer and keeping her alive. Now, it is over and I was lost and depressed over it all for a long period of time in some ways ,I still am. I will survive of course, yet, I wonder what will happen next for me.

My thoughts are simple as I said above, do what I can to sell it all, and find a new location and home for myself. Try to enjoy my remaining years to the best of my ability and settle in one spot. I hope to find and make new friends and enjoy my remaining years on earth, till, I join my wife. All I can do is try to make it the best I can, as I go along ,now. Do I ask for too much, I think not, but the choice in that area is not mine, it belongs to the good Lord as to what will happen to me next. I can only live what I am given to the best of my own ability, I hope that makes sense.

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