It won’t be Easy!

October 24, 2021, time ticks on it seems and life can be slow and boring, or fast and crazy, but in the end, it flies by. Each day, I wake up, I think of my wife who passed and, I, then gather myself and start my day.

Now progress happens no matter what each day brings in many areas. We go forward for we have no choice, because there is never any going backwards allowed. As many times as I would like to go back and see my wife once more I know she can not come back and I can not reach her at all. I will love her till I die and have to continue on without her now.

Now October is moving right along now, and as it does the air is becoming chilly and the leaves change colors on us all, here in New England. October is a chilly time of year that reminds us that winter is not far ahead and we must bundle up to stay warm. It does bring Halloween and thoughts of the coming Holidays ahead, which I will probally end up spending alone. I know it wil be a sad time, but I have never been one to bother others, if i can help it.

Holidays will not be the same of course, but I shall try to survive them. In order to do so, I must think of others who supported me and helped me to survive, till now. It won’t be easy, I swear, but I have to push through somehow and make it.

Now I must finish cleaning out my house and have the rugs cleaned and it put up for sale, as soon as possible. Once all items are gone or donated or sold, the carpets will be done by Stanley Steamer and the house goes up for sale as is. I must sell it, for it is too big ,for one man to own and run, alone.

I am starting to search for a place to go, in the area, i want to be in. Listings, I look at daily and I don’t need anything big. I want a small condo, hopefully one bedroon and bathroom type. Affordable and of course in a decent neighborhood and town. Then I can buy and furnish it as i want, and make it mine. I hope to find a place in a Senior Community if i can, I saw one I liked ,but, it was taken already.

All takes time of course you can’t, make big changes over night when you own, a home. Disassembling the home you lived in for decades is not easy, yet one must do it, under my circumstances now. Staying alive like I am and working to survive is what I must do now. I have no idea how long I will stay alive, only the good lord knows that one. I thought many times I would die before I turned forty, but here I am now at 65 and a widower. Never thought my life would go as it has to be honest, yet I am still here today.

Many times since my wife’s passing I have thought of joining her in eternal rest, than I come to realize it is a cowardly way out, to do so. I know my life has had it’s ups and downs and I am far from perfect in many ways. I just hope as i go on day by day, I can contribute to the world in someway. The hardest part of survving my wife’s passing is finding out what to do with myself, and how to keep going each day, I wake up. I try to keep my mind engaged in writing and whatever I can, so I don’t fall back into depression. The hardest part is the loneliness, of being single again and on my own basically. I am lucky for my sister and her man, have taken me in to help me along. Not all have some family to help them, I am lucky.

I wish the world and science and Doctors could find the solution to cancer and a cure. I wish it was eradicated from the planet and gone so all can never worry about it again. My wife died of cancer and I had it for a brief period of time myself in 2013. I had small cell lung cancer and survived it, luckily. I was very lucky a Doctor of mine had me checked for it due to my family history of cancer. I lost a lobe and a third of one lung due to it, but I recovered. My wife suffered for 16 years from Breast Cancer that spread in her, it went from breast to bone, to ultimately brain in her, taking her from me.

I try each day not to cry over the loss of her and our life together. Memories come and go and so do the tears and sadness and it doesn’t matter that time is passing since her death. So I pull myself together, hide the tears and sadness and stumble ahead, because I know she would not want me to surrender or give up, she never did. As one person said life goes on, until ultimately it doesn’t, that is where i am at now and alone. I don’t have her company, adviice or console anymore, I have to make decisions on my own and move on. It won’t be easy, but it must be done.

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