Life so They Say!

A day begins once more for me, it is now October 25th, 2021. I awoke around 6;30 am today, it is still dark out here, pitch darkness. The silence here is deafening in and of itself right now, but I have to get used to silence now, my wife passed and I had to give away both cats we had to a new home. I have learned now, life will change as it goes along and there is no way for me to change that at all. Life is about what you do while here, and about helping others, it is not about just helping yourself. I think many do not realize, the facts is we are remembered when we pass, for what we did for others while we lived.

Well, one day at a time is all I can do. I struggle at times to stay emotionally stable, for tears form in my eyes when I think of mywife being gone now. I can’t bring her back, so I realize it and go one day at a time now. I have come to realize, life is a process we are put on the planet to go through, we do not control it much, and we are not here for our own purposes, but to achieve whatever the Good Lord sent us here to do. When I say that, some look at me like i am crazy or sick, I am not either folks. If mankind was to knowour true purpose in being on earth, the supreme being, God, the Good Lord or whoever you refer to in that vein wanted us to know, we would.

I stop and I think sometime as I examine the world, what is our purpose on it. I looked down one day and found myself staring at an ant hill, a sthe ants scurried to and from gathering food and building a nest. They have patterns and a purpose they serve on the planet and there are billions of them world wide of all types and sizes too, like mankind. I stopped to compare us to the ants one day and realized, are are basically just like them. The only difference we really have from the ants is we are able to function alone longer than they can. We3 build our own nests and feed our own just like they do, and we travel near and far to get food too. Are we all a part of system of beings created to do the samebasic things over and over again? I do wonderif that is so at times.

As time goes on so does life in it’s own ways. We tend to go daily as long as our eyes still open and we brerathe. We may be injuried or hurt, or emotionally damaged or mentally ill, but in someway we serve a function on the planet until we don’t anymore. Someone recently told me, things work until they don’t, same is true with human beings. Mankind also hasa tendency to kill itself off inm any ways, we invented wars, we have sicknesses, and diseases, and then the world we live on, tends to balance itself by eliminating mankind as needed for it to survive. It is a cycle I believe, a cycle noneof us control, is mother earth the control point or operator or is there a supreme being guiding it all? Do we know for sure folks? I think not. I don’t think we are to know our purpose or control our time on the planet, if we were, we would be able to predict it all, wouldn’t we?

OK, enough of that thinking for now! The sun is slowly rising here now in Massachusecutts, on the United States east coast side. What the weathe ror day will bring I am not sure for i have not looked as of yet. According to the weathermen on my cell phone it is nopw 48 degrees and will rain today. Mother nature controls our enviroment and father time controls how long it lasts or we do. Fates, destinies all come into play also I am sure. What we are fated to do or not do, or what our destinies may be we have no idea as we go along, we may look like we are doing things aimlessly, or without purpose, but if you stop and look for yourself there is a reason for each thing we do. No I am not a prognasitor, or a predictor of anything, I am like everyone else going one day ata a time and making observations and decisions as i go along is all.

Now a days, without my wife here anymore, I get lonely at times, and find myself even talking to myself. It happens folks believe me, when your are marrieda long time and lose your spouse. People look at you like your crazy when you do it if they see it, so we tend to do so in private when no one is around. We cry ove rour loss and we gather ourselves for public times and carryon. It is what one does, because you can’t do much else can you, they are gone.

As I empty the house and items go, it is one step at a rime is all for me. I have to finish cleaning the hous eout, eliminate all the things I can not sell by donating them, and then do a cleaning of the house itself. We are getting close to the end, there are items left people did not buy, and items i have not removed as of yet, but will shortly.

Once all is cleared out I will sell the house and move on, for i have no choice, I can’t keep it and all costs too much to run fora single man now. The price of everything in America is rising from food to gas to clothing, and in the end, we all have to do what is needed to survive, I am still here. I keep looking at rreal estate listings myself here and hope i can find a place to start over and live the rest of my life in peace is all. I am not rich so it will all be on a budget like everyone else in life, that I know.

The kicker o flife is this in my book folks, we tend as humans to find a partner we get along well with, and love and we end up settling into a relationship. We then, move in with one another or get married and we settle into the way we live daily, we get in a routine. Each day we do the same things, we get used to what we do and how we do it with the partner we love. Then suddenly that partner is gone and we are lost and alone and find it hard to go on alone, we have to learn to do the things they did for us both, by ourselves once more. We have to learn to pay our own bills, make our own beds again and clean our own homes again and much more. Whatever our spouse or bette rhalf did, we must now assume ourselves if we want to survive, we adapt to it all slowly over time. We have no choice, do we? Some may run out and try to finda replacement person for who they lost as fast as possible and then some may not, I personally am of the second nature. I know I can not replace my wife who passed with anyone else easily or quickly, she was special inmy mind and eyes.

Reflections and memories always come to the surviving spouses of those who died like my wife did. Cancer is a nasty disease to get and have. It strips us of those we love and we end up alone, flaying about trying to find our way without our loving spouse or partner. We tend to find our way slowly, but we do find it folks. At least I am trying to right now. We make plans and we move along, and do what is necessary, we may take some financial losses or have to have patienance to carryon, but we manage somehow. I do not know why my wife had to die when she did, I only know she is now gone an dthere is a gap in my life due to it all. I took care of her in all ways i could for 28 years, and she was my life, now I find myself floundering around and hoping to find my way to survive until my time comes. It is aprocess I have no choice in, maybe it is something God intended for me, for some reason, although I can not see it, at this time. Maybe one day I will.

I am currently in a status of just trying to suvive and carry on the best I can without my wife. I am hoping I can do so! Life so they say is just a game and they let it slip away, it isa line from a Seals and Crofts song, it seems to apply to my life these days.