Decisions, everyday we have to make decisions in out life, where to live and what to do next, how do I do it all and how soon. Time flies it seems and before you know it, your close to the end of your life. Happens to all of us without us realizing it really. I have now seen it up close and personal and to be honest at times feel it now too at 65 years of age.
Is life meant to be a good time for all of us, a shabby time, a bad time or a mediocore time? We don’t know really do we, we just live day to day as long as we wake up. I wake up each day and the first thing I think of is my wife who died and I pray for her safe and comfort, in heaven or the best please we can all go to,
Then I start to get out of bed, slap on some clothes, grab my coffee and pills and try to start my day, in a positive way if possible. I have things I must get done to get through the death of my wife now. The house is close to being emptied, and then the carpets must be cleaned, so it sells. Then I need to make changes to how I access things and more. One thing at a time is all I can do really. I know I can never live in the house again, so it must go.
Then there is always the question of where I can go next. I keep looking at plaxes near my sister here in Mass. I have found a few mobile homes in 55 and plus neighborhoods. I am thinking a mobilehome, so I can save some money, be comfortable and get a decent vehilcle to get me to Doctors and such as well as shopping. It will be a new area to learn and explore and I am sure I shall meet new people also. I have nothing holding me to Connecticut, left now. My wife was it, and I miss her a lot, but, I know also I must go on till I join her later, when my time comes.
I started looking at homes and cars too. I will need dependable transportation that is economical for me. I looked at different compact SUVS, one a Kona and one a H-RV, drove both of them yesterday. Which one I will get is still a decision I need to make, but, I need ,one good one, for me.
Then when I do settle into a place I will need to furnish it just for me. I have not been alone and single in many years now, decades. It will be strange to have to pick out furnishing and to outfit a home with no female input. Yet I will need at least a bedroom set, a livingroom set and a dinette set for starters. Some i may bring with me from the house if I can, time will tell soon enough.
What do I really want at this point is what I must decide now, If I buy a condo it cost more and it is less of a nest egg I have left to lean on asi go forward. Then how mush will I spend to get furnishings and a car I need? I need to budget it all to figure it out peoperly and pay my current bills until I shut down the house completely in Connecticut. Limited budgets are due to the fact I live off of disability payments and do not work anymore. Time shall tell for sure.
Some thought I think, I would keep the house and live there but I can’t, period. some thought when my wife died I woul dbe attached to her daughter and children sorry I am not. As to other friends i havea few but none I would bother. So, in the end for the last 28 years it was my wife and I period and we lived basically alone, together. So, now that she has passed, I have no choice in moving on and starting over elsewhere on my own. It is the only logical thing to do, as Mr. Spock said in Star Trek.
The loneliness, will take a lot to get used to, no one to bounce ideas off of, no one for common chatter or to wake up to, or take care of anymore except myself. I spent the past 28 years, shopping, cleaning, cooking and fixing the house for her and I. Taking her to appointments, like Doctors for heart problems, Doctors for canber problems, chemo, radiation and then to immuniotheraphy sessions. My life was my wife period, I didnt go to movies, or clubs, or to friends homes, I staye d by her side until she died. I stayed by her till the end for her. I sat in Hospital rooms, Rehab rooms, then ourown dinningroom and house as she slowly passed away. I rerached out for help to make it through and was lucky as all hell I had a sister who came and helped me and is still helping me today. She has seen me through my wife’s passing, her burial and now the emptying of the house and selling of all we had, except the house as of yet. The loneliness of now is hard on me, of course. Will I make it through and survive the loss of my wife, that is yet to be determined for me. There comes times when I wish I had gone with her. and I feel the loss more than most anything in my life, ever. I came close at one point to ending it all and joining her, but caught myself before Iw ould do it or could do it and rerached out for help and got it. So, here I am still on this planet we call earth, alive, and trying to deal with day to day life of my own. Will I be ok, I do not know until I am alone in my own place and trying to survive and stay busy. I can only go one day ata time, and try to stay busy, hopefully I shall be fine, if not, unlike my wife, I don’t think I will ne missed by many if I do pass myself.
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