What do I do now?


November has rolled in and Halloween has rolled on by. The weather is changing and the temps begin to drop, as I work to clean out and then sell my home. Finding a place to live may be a little harder than I thought also, for condos, small ones are not easy to find. I have examined and looked at mobile homes, but so far no luck, time shall tell.

Sleep is at times hard to come by, even with pills I take these days, I awoke at around 5;30 am today. Seems it doesn’t matter what I do, my body wakes me and I can’t go back to sleep until later. I guess old habits die hard as they say.

As time goes on I feel my age creeping up on me, my bones ache and my back and neck act up, my fall in the Navy comes back to haunt me daily. Yet, I just keep on plugging along the best I can. Six herniated discs, ptsd, sleep apenea don’t stop me, so I am still here. Day by day and night by night I continue on in the fight for life.

Well, right now I have to put things on hold for a bit, as to my hous ein Connecticut. To finish the clean out and get it ready for sale, I need to be there, but can’t right now. I also need to determine what I can keep and can’t keep out of it. I may just keep the bedroom set I have and go from there in a new place. Time shall tell.

I sometimes stop and wonder, what I am still here for these days, what does the Lord want from me? What do I have left to share or take part in? I don’t really know folks, but at 65 years old, an age i never thought I would reach, I have to wonder what is next for me. Is there more to life I am to experience or something I am supposed to do, I havent as of yet? Questions abound and come up daily, each dya my eyes open and i crawl from bed. What purpose do i have, what should I be doing, why am I still alive?

I miss my wife, I am sure it is obvious to anyone who knows or talks to me. She was my sounding board, my rock, my founndation in many ways, sadly she is no longer here. I stumble at tiomes in thought or in a memory of her and all we did for 28 years together. It is an integral part of me in many ways. Missing her doesn’t make me stop everything, but it does make me stop to think now and then.

Look as a widower now at 65 years old, I wonder what the good lord has in store for me and what he expects me to do next with my time on earth. It is a question I think any survivor of cancer or of a deceased spouse will get to. The old what am I still doing here, after she is gone question. When I think of it the first thing I can see, is I am here for some reason, but I can’t fanthom why. I knowit sounds morbid to say it, but sometimes i wish I had climbed into her bed and went with her. Yet I know, it would have not helped in anyway then or now to do so. I just know I miss her deeply and always will.

As I make my second cup of coffee this morning, I find myself thinking of many things. One, is where to go next in life and how to get there. I need to finda new place to live and a way to buy one. I need dependable transportation also. I have lived 65 years always doing for others in one way or another, now I must figure out how to do for myself once more. Decisions are not easy for me to make it seems, but I must make them for sure. Where to live, how big of a place, what kind of furniture etc. all comes to mind.

Then what kind of vehicle do I get for myself that is safe to drive, economical and dependable too. I need to have a way around where everI live and I need to be near enough to a family member. So all of that is in process at this point in time and none of it is as simple as some think it may be. A progression must happen in order for it all to work out right.

Anyway November has arrived, and the Holiday Season is coming, and who knows if i shall survive it, for holidays have never been big for me. I tend to dislike holidays, they cost too much. They also tend to make me depressed in a way, for those i loved are now gone, no fun celebrating alone is there !.

I remember what i told my sister when my wife died and we buried her, I asked one question, What Do I do now? It is still the question I need to answer for myself!

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