Good Morning world, I awoke at 5;48 am this morning, and climbed out of bed at about 6:15 am. The weaher looks like rain today and chilly too. Each day is a test of my endurance it seems since my wife passed on August 10th, 2021. I spent so many years, taking care of her, and in the end I could not save her from cancer. We fight these battles because we must and I give it to my wife, she held on for 16 years, as the cancer ravaged her. We went to so many doctors, and hospitals, MRI’s Cat Scans, Blood Tests, Chemo and Radiation, then Immunio Theraphy and Hospital stays and finally Hospice at Home in the end. Sixteen years of pure cancer fighting we did together and in the end she lost her battle for her life. Cancer infects one and then travels in the blood stream to other parts of your body, it did with my wife. We fought a long battle and I am glad i never missed one day of it. When she died I cried for a long time and still do today now 92 days later. One does not get over the loss of a spouse easily, folks and in my case it has been a struggle. Yet, I know I must go on without her now, I really have no choice in life, for I am still here.
Many times i have found myself, asking myself what I am still doing here and wishing I had gone with my wife. I almost did just that, and it would have been a double shock for all who knew us. I even thought of runniong out in traffic and ending it all, if it was not for the Veteran’s Crisis Line I would not be here today and some people I met online. As wello as my sister! Between the three I was convinced to go to a hospital and be admitted to a ward, to prevent my own suicide. The pain of the loss almost got me folks, and I have to be honest with all, I sometimes even today, think of what am I doing still here, without her. Yet day by day I wake up and go on slowly.
Survivors of people who die of cancer or anyother deadly illness, have to deal with many things. How to go on without them is just one. Then, you have to figure out, how to do all they used to do for you both. Once you learn that, you have to make major decisions on how to live, where to live and what to do with the rest of your own life. You have to deal with their family members asking for items from you that reminds you of them and memories on top of it all. Burying them is hard as hell and than trying to survive the shock of it all is devastating to oneself. I think unless you have lost a spouse, you basically have no idea how one feels or reacts to losing them. I want to say this to all who read this or who have lost a spouse, we all react differently for we are individuals, and no two human beings handle grief, sadness and loss the same We all handle it different, some openly cry, some privately cry, some have a stiff upper lip and some are just realistic about it all. In the end though the thing that unites all of us, is we have to deal with the loss in someway, of our own means.
Some of us throw ourselves into work and keeping busy, some of us, go dorment and hide, some of us, struggle day by day with it all and slowly recover, some recover quickly. Sadly, none of us can bring back the loved or lossed one, we miss so dearly. In the end we come to realize as I have, I am still here, she is gone, I have to deal with each day as I wake up and move ahead in life. The life I had with my wife is now gone, she is no longer here, I can’t keep the big house, the two cars and the lifestyle I am used to anymore. I know I will have to settle into a smaller place somewhere, I just want to be close enough to a family member I have left, so I can call them, stop by or see them and have a connection to someone.
How do you start over is the big question, I face right now. The loneliness of it all, will get me if I am not careful for sure. I know i have to get used to living alone again and I need to find a way to interact with people, meet new people and find things to do again. I know for me, I need people to talk to, to interact with and things to do, even if it is just busy work.
I write blogs as all who read this understand, I also have written small books and poems over the years. I shall more than likely write more as I go on once I am settled in somewhere. Right now the priorities are simple for me, empty the big house, clean it up, sell it and find a new place to live, I can handle, afford and be comfortable in. I am searching for a new place, in a new state and area I don’t really know much about yet, but, I know starting over, is what I need to do.
I think if I can find a place for myself and get it set up and then find places to go and things to do I will be fine. Finding a new home is the first thing I must do once the old one is emptied and up for sale. I need a smaller place for me and comfort, the ability to have television, radio and intenet is vital for me too. I interact that way with others online and want to get back to it, at some point.
I also want to start writing my wife’s story of her battle with cancer. Can I and do it in a proper manner and get it done, well that will be the challenge for me, at 65 years old. Her story is unbelieveable really, few cancer patients survive 16 years fighting it and she did. I think her story is one of courage, of caring and determination, she was a special woman in so many ways. Patienace, commitment, loyality and in the end love was her way. I am glad, I met her, married her and we had our 28 years together. I would never trade one day of it, for anything else.
Well, I am going on and on it seems here, with thoughts, ideas and more concerning my loss of my wife and the life we led and what is next for me. I guess thinking about it and writting this helps me in someway, why else would I do it right?
Let me say this to those who witnessed, my wife’s end and passing. I did all I could to try to keep her alive and with us all. I gave all my time and effort to it, I was dedicated to her, I was loyal to her, I cared for her and I now miss her dearly. never think otherwise for anything else would be a lie, folks. I did all I could for her and in the end there was no way to save her, I had left. I followed her wishes once she died also, to a tee and that my friends and family is all, one can do. Some wanted to know why she declined so fast in her final days, the truth is she didn’t, she was declining for many years, cancer was relentless in her, she was brave, she would never show her pain, or argue, she hid it well, right to the last six months of her life. And I did it with her. God Bless her now. In the process of her cancer I found myself having cancer too, I survived Lung Cancer myself in 2013, it took a sixteen hour operation to save me. I have been lucky in that way, I lost a lobe and one third of amy right lung, yet I ams till here. So, if anyone wants to know, I survived, I was lucky, and in the end, I did all I could for my wife, I will love her till I die. God Bless All and I ask all to give to the Fight against Cancer in someway, it is a deadly disease that needs defeating!