Stages and Endings

In Life we all go through stages and parts that are rough, hard or emotional in some way. I am currently at a hard stage for myself, I lived with my wife who died, for 28 years, 21 of them in the same house. I am at a stage now, after her death in August of 2021, that I have to finish emptying my home. Now it is with great regrets and memories I do so and I would never, give up my memories of my time with my wife there. Yet, I know now, with her gone, I have to move on no doubt, so I do so with a feeling of loss and hesitation so to say. People only live so long and I know at 65, I have no idea when my time shall come to pass also, but, I do know I cannot stay in the house I shared with her all those years. The memories flood back to me each time I enter the house or property, so it is tough on me emotionally. Stages of life happen for all of us folks, for instance we go from adolescents to teen years, then teen years to adult years. When we reach adults then we tend to take care of ourselves and get in relationships with others we fall in love with. Marriages happen and they end sometimes in divorces, sometime in rthe death of the spouse you loved for so long. The hardest part of it all is you have no choice in letting it go, they rae not there to hang onto anymore or be with anymore. It isa stage for me that tells me I am entering probally the finals tages of my own life at 65 years old. My sister thinks i will live longer and be fine, but history and human nature says when a spouse dies and there is one left behind like I am, we tend to follow the one we loved in a short time. If that happens to me, I want all to know I have led a decent life and did all I could for all I knew in it.

I was never given a chance by many as I grew up, because i suffered from many illnesses, such as Attention Deficit Disorder, Hyper-Activity, Physical Abuse from my childhood and PTSD also, from childhood and military life. have survived lung cancer in 2013, I watched my parents die of cancer and my stepfather too. Now my wife is gone from it also and it makes me sometimes depressed and emotional to even think of it. I can honestly say, after 65 years of life I have lived a pretty full one for sure.

I have had two of everything in my life, from two marriages, two daughters, many homes and two military careers too. I served my parents as a son and babysitter for my younger siblings. I served Uncle Sam not in one branch of service, but in three, Army, Army National Guard and Navy. I did all I could for my friends i have known since I was a teenager and few can say they have friendships over 45 years old, but I can. Let me say this to all who know me, I have never intentionally harmed any human being in my life and I would rather walk away from a fight than even think of having one or throwing a punch. I have lived a non-violent life actually on my part, but suffered violence from others to me. Yet, I would not give a day of my life up, nor do I regret any of it.

If I seem hesitant to empty the home I shared with me now deceased wife and sell it, it is because of the memories we shared in it. The time has come for me to try to walk over, jump over or go around this obstacle of the home we shared. It will not be easy for me, but in the end i must do so, very soon and sell the home we shared to someone else and move on, alone.

I do not wish to be a burden to anyone, especially my sister in any way at all. I thank her for being there with me through my wife’s death and now allowing me to stay with her in her home as I go through all I am now. I thank her man,Arman ,also for all he has done to help me, advise me and guide me. Life is full of surprises and sudden events, I know it and so should all of us who live it. I have struggled in life to overcome many obstacles, and have trumped over many things. I have been a lucky man in many ways.

I think I have now hit a critical stage of my life, the ending stage really. I have no idea how long I shall survive my wife’s passing or how long my life may be, in the end. I do know, I have never hurt anyone and never will. If i die today or tomorrow, or in the near or far flung future, I just know I have always tried to do what is right. I hope I have for all who knew me or know me. If I didn’t do right by someone I am sorry, I tried the best. In the end, I look at life as a cherished event I am living through on this plane of existence on this plane, we call, earth. I haven’t been perfect, no person is, we are all human and we make mistakes we may regret in our lives, but we deal with them and do the best we can. I know I have. So, as i go forward now I do so one day at a time, one thing at a time and hope I can accomplish an end to my own life that will be remembered, and fateful for myself and all I love and care about. I have loved and lost and I have gone on and will do all I can to try to live my life to a decent ending for me and all I love and have loved. I just hope and pray, my ending will be peaceful and I can live it out, in some pleasure and comfort somehow! I hope that in and of itself is not asking the Good Lord for too much.

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