November 15th, 2021 has arrived it is morning again, and I awoke in pain today. My body aches from my spine, to my shoulders and my hip and back. Falling in the Navy has brought me pain, and injuries and I just keep perking like a coffee pot on high at times. Some may ask how I do it, my tolerance for pain has grown over the years now, and I awake each day and sometimes night, from it all. Today I awoke at 4 am, laid awake for an hour before I decided I couldn’t lay there anymore and went and soaked myself in a hot shower to loosen up the muscles and the spine. I hope it is just my spine causing my problems, but I suspect it may be a lot more. I have pain in my arms and neck and spine and now hip on the left side too. What is causing so much of it I have no idea, but I was recently reminded, that I had cancer too and to be careful about it.
I wonder at times how much longer I have on this planet before I go and join my wife. Between the loss of her and my health I feel like my body is failing me and so is my emotional well being these days. I am not superman, I am human, and at some point it all must end for me I know.
Anyway, back to current issues, the house I shared with my wife is now almost empty but has a bit to go. Donations is where it will go more than likely, I shall be investigating them shortly and setting up a time for AmVets or something like it to get the remainder out of the house and empty it for sale, sake. It must go. Once completely empty, I can have the carpets cleaned and the house sold in as is shape and let it go. I must do so, I can’t keep it.
I need to contact my Lawyer on some issues to do with my wife’s probate case, like clearing the car and home from her estate so I can sell both as fast as I can. Then I need a Real Estate Agent to sell the house for whatever I can get, and put the money aside for a new place for me. The process is taking a while to get done and slowly it is taking my life’s energy from me.My spirit has been lagging since my wife died and I don’t expect it to regain any strength anytime soon. I know I am slowly going down hill as I age and I can feel it each day.
Time waits for no one, as I have said before and neither does one’s health. We get older and we experience more pain and aches and conditions, that’s for sure. I know it because I live it daily, especially now that my wife is gone.
What comes next for me is still a question I must face. I keep looking for a place to live and buy and then move what I can here. As I keep trying to empty the house and move on, I wonder how long I may have left in my life. I am 65 and my health is not the greatest, my pains and aches increase and my abilities decrease daily. I have no control over how long I live, but how long can one last, by oneself, once a spouse has died on you?
Well the days are messed up for me as my sleeping is too. I wake,early and then pass out sometime later. Then I wake up and do it all over again. I really have a hard time sleeping and get tired, easy, due to it during the day. I suppose it is more noticeable now with my wife gone, but, I can’t do much about that, can I? I can wish her back, but in the end, it doesn’t help me to deal with my current conditions or problems, does it?
Facing each day is not the same anymore for me, without my wife. It is a lonely road I am traveling now and I feel it daily as my pains mount. Arthritis has set in and I don’t eat regularly anymore, only when hungry. At some point, I suppose it will all catch up to me and I will go down in a heap. How soon I don’t know, I just know it will happen one day and be over with. I know it is not a great outlook is it and it sounds depressing to anyone who, reads this or hears me. But, I am a realist, I only know what I know and take it the way I see it. Peace shall come, when the good Lord decides it is my time. My body is telling me it is coming, but it takes it’s time doesn’t it.
Well, I don’t want to sound too depressed or down on my luck, but, it will not be easy to go forward for me. I am reaching the end of one lifetime I had with my wife as the house empties and I prepare to find a new place to go to. Leaving behind 28 years of a relationship/ marriage is not easy when the spouse dies. I honestly wanted to crawl into the bed with her and go with her. I almost did. Sometimes I stop and wish I did go with her, but then the fact that I am still here on the planet earth, makes me go on. Humanity had no control over life and death, only the Creator or Good Lord, or as some call the supreme being, God, does. That will never change folks, for we do not know why we are here, what our purpose is really, or what we are to accomplish while here. And we definitely do not know, when we shall depart the world or the life we have in us expires, it just does.