I have no idea how my life goes on!


November 22nd, 2021 has arrived and I woke up at 6;30 am or there about. I tried to go back to bed, but my body and mind won’t allow me to do so, right now. Sleep is something I do as needed really and I practically average around 6 hours per night these days. Making decisions, and getting rid of all I can in my house now is vital, the house itself is now on the market and going to be sold.

MY wife and I had a four bedroom, three and a half bathroom home. Let me tell you this, when you have a house this big, and live in it for 21 years and accumulate over those years, well, it is a massive job to clean it out to sell it. Even giving away what no one will pay for is hard to do. At some point shortly I must order a new dumpster for what will remain. All must go. I can’t bring old furniture and old items that are damaged to a new condominium, I want to buy. I believe I am going to go to a 55 plus condominium community, to live out my life and start over.

Anyway as time ticks on and on, I try to focus on what I must do for all to happen. I will need a new place to live first and I need to make sure the old house sells. Once that is underway and the new place is built and mine certain aspects must be cared for next. A new refrigerator for the new place, new furniture for it too. Then once done, I will need a new vehicle to make sure I can get to Doctors, dentists and appointments of all kinds. Visiting others as necessary, and getting to the stores I need for food and clothing and such.

I know I will probably set my heat at 70 degrees in my home and try to stay comfortable in warmth. I hate cold these days, due to arthritis and inflammation of my joints and body. If I stay warm enough I should be fine.

As we age our bodies wear down, the injuries I incurred over the years in the military act up nowadays. Six Herniated Discs in my spine, PTSD, then I deal with High Blood Pressure and type 2 diabetes too and sleep apnea. Will I be able to live alone again after 28 years with my wife now that she is gone? Time will tell shortly.

I noticed how people I helped over the years with my wife and for my wife, and her asking, just seemed to disappear from my life after her death. For 18 years we gave to her grandchildren’s education and college funds. I never received a thank you from them or their parents either. We did things for her grandchildren and daughter I never did for my own and yet, no calls, letters, or anything from any of them, towards me. There was no hesitation though on the daughter’s part and her sister’s part to ask for items as she died. I want this and my aunt wants that, was very disrespectful to me and my wife’s memory too. I will never understand it at all, the daughter makes well over 200 grand a year, yet like a vulture over a dying carcass, she circled and requested and demanded leftovers and material items. Why? Who in their right mind, temperament and writes the surviving spouse and lists what they want? I have no idea folks, but it happened in this case. I would never expect it and didn’t and in the end it just angered me and upset me. Then after I buried my wife, and I fell apart, and had to be hospitalized for depression, I was accused of blocking the daughter’s phone number and not talking to her. In fact while in the hospital, my cell phone was taken from me and not charged. Did the daughter even think I may be hospitalized and not able to pay for my cell phone bill, no!

Too many times I was questioned by the daughter on what I did for my wife and to keep her alive. Every time my wife got worse I called the daughter and let her know to keep her informed. Right up until the end, I informed the daughter of her mother’s condition and deterioration from the cancer we fought. Each time i was questioned for what I did, or what was happening, it was sad.

In the end I can say this regarding my wife’s condition and the care I gave her. I made the right decisions at each stage of the process and her decline. I took her to Doctors, MRIs, Cat Scans, Chemo, Radiation treatments, I pushed her in wheel chairs and took her to immuniotherapy too. I bought a stair lift, I bought ramps, I bought wheel chair and walkers and rollators to help her get around. I carted her to bed when she needed to sleep too. I fed her, dressed her, and cleaned her. I did it all for her and no one said thank you from her side of the family.

When the ending started, she came home to hospice with me, no one else was there to care for her. I called my sister and she and I tended to my dying wife until she passed. We did all we could to keep her alive as long as we could when she came home to hospice. I loved her dearly and always will, and told her so many time as she died. She responded after she came home one time and told me she did not want me to go through all of it, I told her I was not going anywhere period. I told her I loved her and she told me she loved me too. When she came home I had no choice but to sign a DNR for her. A DNR is a Do not Resuscitate Order and she knew it too, she acknowledged it verbally to me when it happened.

Maybe I am foolish, maybe I am emotional, maybe I react too much I don’t know. But I do know this much, I miss my wife and always will and I will love her to the day I die and join her. Until that happens I must carry on alone and do what I can to live out my own life in the best way possible. What the future will bring for me and how my life goes, I have no idea, just that I am now here and she is gone.

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