Time it seem, to pass slowly and then quickly depending on certain things. Then on top of all the emotional turmoil of this year I have been through, I gather i am having a problem controlling my tone, when I speak. I am learning some think I am angry when I speak so I will try to control my tone in such a way as to not upset people anymore. I honesty had no idea I had this problem untill it was brought to my attention recently. I am now aware it exists and will try to control it in somevway in a more positive and gentler way. Emotions build up in all of us in times of stress and tension and especially when you lose a loved one like a spouse, like i did. I am sorry if at times I offend or upset someone, when I am spoken to and respon, I will have to slow down and be more aware of how, I reply.
I grew up in a rough family with rough parents too, then spent much of my life in the military having to follow and give orders to others. Then I spent the last 28 years married to my wife who passed from cancer in August of 2021. I spent each of those years, basically isolated with her and taking care of her, in everyway I knew how. It wasn’t easy and i guess it has changed my tone in many ways , and it has affected my attitudes too in many ways. I need to go slower, and realize that in order to be acceptable to others when I speak I have to watch how I speak and what tone I am using. Be aware and counsious of it happening will be primary to me going forward, and i apologize to anyone I may have affected with my tone at times. It is not intentional.
It is more or less something I do without realizing it and then get that look and asked about my tone or a reaction from whom I spoke to in the wrong way, and of course they get upset with me. I am going to work overtime to go slower and stop before I speak so I do not do it anymore, and work on it.
Patienace is needed for me and it is needed in all I do and I must control my emotions also, to make sure. Self-control is not easy folks, when you have gone through trauma and loss in the way I have, in my life.
That said, onward and upwards I say. I have to look forward to the rest of my life and hope I can live a full, happy, content and comfortable life, till my end time comes. I am learning and each day is at times a struggle to maintain myself, I apologize to all.
Now I am waiting on many things to go through for me, to move on with my life. My Lawyer must get my wife’s estate settled in pobate court, I need the home and her car fredd by decries, from a Judge. Then, once that happens, I need to sell both and move on from there to be able to find a new place to live and a new car for myself. I can’t move forward it seems, so I am stuck in place and relying on others to get me there now. The Real Estate selling the house, The lawyer with Probate, all have me on hold, right now and it does get frustrating for me. I hope and pray it will be taken care of soon enough in all areas, I would like to find my own place and start a new life, now.
I think when one loses a spouse to a deadly disease like cancer, one tends to get emotional, angry, confused and scared, all at once. There is a major hole in one’s life, from it all. I lost my sounding board, my partner, my friend and my lover all at once, poof, just like that. The only thing that works in my favor is, I saw it coming for 16 years before it happened, but the shock in the end when it happens is still major. So slowly, since the loss I have been trying to reach an equalibrimum and a way to move forward without, committing suicide myself. There are still moments and times, when I feel like I should have went with her and that I can’t live without her, but I wake up each day, knowing I must, until the good lord calls me to his side, to join her.
As my Doctor told me and I must remind myself daily, I did all I could for her for 28 years, and I served Uncle Sam for 16 years too. So as my Doctor told me, I must start living for myself and taking care of myself from now on and i intend to, if my health holds up. I am hoping with help I will make it through it all.