Reflections, Time shall Tell!


Reflections on my life happen every year about the same time for me. It is the coming New Year that brings it all to mind. I think most of us in this world do the same thing come New Years Eve or there about. We tend to try to reflect, go over and remember the good things and try to avoid the bad in the future, making our lives, better by adjusting, compromising and ultimately fitting in better to society as a whole.

To reflect on my life I have to go back a long way, after all I am now 65 years old. Yet, in my first nine months of life, I survived a lot, if you stop and think about the 199 seizures I had and my mother worked overtime to save me from. If she had known the answer was just to let me fall on my head she would have let it happen earlier, I believe.

After surviving that kind of start, I did what all kids do, I grew up a lil bit, and learned a lot, although I was never an average or what they call a normal kid at all. I was afflicted with hyper-activity and attention deficiet disorder and still am today. Those two disorders, would lead to a rough childhood until I began to outgrow them in my early teens, 13 to be precise.

I am I guess what you call shy, and I avoided girls until I reached 14 or 15 if I remember it right. And even when I did notice them and felt attracted to them, I never did learn how to flirt. Yet later in life I ended up married twice anyway, never did figure how that happened.

I was the work horse around the home with my step-dad, who between the two of us transformed the home into a living enviroment for all of us. While my elder brother pranced off being a sports hero, my youger brother became a thief and a con man, and well there were two more siblings also, and each has their own way of living of course. Out of five kids in one family, only two of us turned out anywhere near normal.

I served my parents and siblings until I was 18 and joined the service. Then I served the U.S. Army, then The Army National Guard and Then The U.S. Navy, totaled sixteen years of service, till I was injuried in a fall aboard ship.

I served my first wife and my daughters as long as I was allowed to by my first wife, who divorced me without any real reason after 12 years. She knows the divorce was bullshit and so do my daughters now. But, we move on in life, because that is what life is about.

I, then met my second wife at a Single’s Dance and we stayed together for 28 years, during which I provided for her and did all I could to keep her alive with me. I took her thru sixteen years out of the 28, with her cancer and supported her, fed her, cleaned her, and even dressed her. I did all I could to keep her alive and with me. I lost that battle in 2021 in August. Now, I had to figure out how to pay my own bills, how to clean out a big house and how to put it up for sale. My wife handled finances in our marriage until she couldn’t anymore. I also had a bout with ling cancer in 2013 I survived.

Now I did exacly what my wife had told me she wanted before she died, and in the exact way she asked me to, once she passed. I had her cremated and buried, and without any production or show for all to see, It didnt go over well with her daughter or sister but it was how my wife wanted it for sure. I did all I could and paid all the bills, and went thru massive depression because of her passing and had to recover also. In the end I completed all I could for my wife by providing her a GraveStone and getting it placed for her and I in the future.

Today I am 3 days from the New Year of 2022, I am without a wife and now a widower. I have the home up for sale and I am living in a new state, with the only family I am close to in my sister and looking fo a new home for myself. Reflecting back on all of my life, I survived seizures, I survived beatings, verbal and emotional abuse and a military career. I have written poems, small books and blogs left and right also over the past few years. I even overcame being a High School Dropout, and got an Associate’s Degree in Hotel Management, being inducted into two Honor Societies, Aplha Beta Gamma and Phi Theta Beta too. I hold awards for my scholastic achievementsin college too, I graduated with a 3.7 out of 4.0 average. I came a long way for sure in my life.

So as I reflect back on all I have been through and survived up until now, I wonder what the future shall bring for me next. All I really want is peace, a place to live and be comfortable, I can afford, and friends, I can count on, to laugh and talk with. A plesant ending to a life that has had it’s ups and downs and problems, would be nice for me. I have had a long life at 65, even thou I am told 65 is young still, I sometimes disagree. How long can I survive now with my wife passed, I do not know, but I know each day is a new one and I go now day by day. Time shall tell.

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