Are you like me, do you wonder?


Have you ever wondered what death is really like? I know i have many times in my life, when I was beat sensless as a child, when I was hungry because I ran away from home as a child, when I was institutionalized as a 10 year old. Those are a few of the times when I thought about what death really means. I thought of it many times since too and I am going on 66 years old now. Have you?

I wondered what death was like as I sat, on board a Navy Ship serving my country a few times, I thought about it when I was going through my divorce from my first wife and the loss of my daughters to her. I thought about death so many times I sometimes wonder why I am still here and alive these days.

I came close to death a few times in my life unknown to many of course. Yet I survived and am still here going on 66 years old in two weeks. Listen when I my wife died last year I wanted to commit suicide and almost did. It isnt easy folks, to live a life like I have had. Yet, I survive because i have refused to surrender in many ways. I almost lost my life to lung cancer yet I am still here today. I am still here after seeing and witnessing, my grandfather dying of cancer, my father, my step-father and my mother too and my second wife. Each time I wondered should I join them, what right do I have in being here today?

Illnesses come and go, and we live on, but cancer really never lets go does it? I know, I have had lung cancer and lost a lobe and a thrid of my right lung to it, and I know each day I live is really pure luck that the cancer has not returned. Yet I also know it can anytime on any given day or night. It is a fact in life once you get cancer you live with it, everyday and hope it doesn’t return.

Recently I recieved a letter saying I have two nodules in my right lung that are sitting there. I was told not to panic and not to worry, so I try not to. Then, I have been hit by jolts in my body, my whole body jumps and recently, I had a jolt in the back of my head. Now is it cancer I do not know, do I want to know if it is, not really. As it goes now at 65, going on 66, without my wife who died in August of 2021, I really have no idea, really!

There was a time when I was full of life, happy and content, I had a beautiful life and wife and home for 28 years. Now it is all gone just as my wife is gone. It’s painful, and lonely trying to find my way to do anything these days. I lost my get up and go and any motivation really, I dont care much about what happens to me anymore.

My head hurts these days, and it pulses at times on me. So, I have no idea what is wrong or what happened, but, I say nothing to anyone about it these days. I go one day at a time and hope to awake each day or morning. I know few reasons to stay alive right now, it is how I feel these days.

My struggles with thinking about death began many decades ago when I was a teenager. I found a way to stay busy, and did all I could for others all my life. It is what made me, me.

Once you run out of motivation or reasons or things you want to do anymore, you lose the drive to stay alive. It’s a basic fact folks. So as all of this goes through my mind, I wonder what is death really like? Is there pain when you die, do you feel it when you pass, do we just cease to exist, or is there an afterlife and a heaven or hell or anything on the otherside? I don’t know for sure, but I do know, so many people i knew in my life are now on the otherside and I am still here, struggling through. Is it darkness on the other side and where does our spirit really go, do we fade from existance and like a light bulb burn out? Whats the answer folks does anyone really know?

I remember a book written long ago, the title I remember was Death Be Not Proud, at least thats the title I remember. I never read the book of course but the title stuck in my head and still does today. Why, because no one knows if the title means anything or not. Death comes to all of us I know, and in the end we are remembered not for what we own, or what we have material wise, we are only remembered by those who knew us and they remember us for how we treated them period. We never know once we are gone if we are remembered or missed do we, how can we? So, is death a light flickering out and never coming back and do our souls wander endlessly or do we end up some place like heaven or hell? Will we ever know? I doubt it.

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