It is all I can do, now.


January 12th, is upon me now, and I awoke at 5am. Pitch black outside and I laid in bed for a good 15 minutes wide awake, trying to go back to sleep but failed. Now it is 6;20 am and I am on my second cup of coffee here. I started looking at mobile homes and mobile home loans now as well as condos. My thought is simple I need to get a place of my own and I would prefer owning to renting. Time shall tell of course.

I am thinking I am a single man again and a widower. Am I worried what anyone else thinks about me, or where I live, no. Look, I get questions on why would you want a mobile home, why don’t I get a rental place, or do you know no woman will want you, if you live in a Mobile Home? In the end my response to each question seems to not hit people correctly. I am 65, very soon to be 66, I am set in my ways basically. I like who I am and what I am and I do the best I can. I am not out trying to chase women or date women, nor do I really want a relationship at this time. I lost my wife who I loved for 28 years last August 10th, to cancer. It will be hard to replace her even if I tried, so I am not interested, in really trying. Nor have I ever learned to flirt in my life, although I was married twice.

As to home for myself, I am currently staying with my sister and her man here. I try extremely hard to not bother either of them and to steer clear of all they do. I basically use four places in their home, a bedroom to sleep and store my clothing, a kitchen I use the microwave in, a small area in their basement to store my stuff and finally a livingroom to watch tv and an island chair to use my computer on, at their bar. Period folks. Thats my life now a days. I do my own laundry, my own dishes, and I mind my own business. But even under those circimstances, I can feel an uneasiness growing, and I get suggestions on things like why don’t I rent a place. Look I will look at rentals and condos and mobile homes, and try now to find something I can afford. My biggest holdup is trying to sell a home I had for 28 years and it needs some work, so I now have to lower the price. In progress is that one now.

I know people need their privacy and I try to never stick my nose in anyone’s business here. So, I go one day at a time doing, home searches for condos, and mobile homes for myself. I hope to never interfear in anyone’s life here or be a burden to anyone.

My medical condition is not 100 percent and I know it and I am cautious with anything I do. From my PTSD, to my 6 Herniated discs in my spine, to high blood pressure and diabeties, I go one day at a time. I believe I have had even a minor stroke just recent;ly, but I say nothing to anyone.

Life my friends is not easy when you get older and you lose your partner in life. You get shocked, you have to adjust, you tend to not want to, and you tend to miss them dearly. We all have loves in our lives folks and I pray none of you lose yours suddenly like i did, I knew it was coming before she did, but still. It’s a shock to my system and my life.

As soon as i can find a place to live, and I can move on I shall for I do not want anyone thinking I am a burden or a pain in the ass to them. I undertand people are being nice and letting me stay in their home with them. I understand it has been a while since I came to stay here. But, some think you just make a decision and move on, at the snap of your fingers, it isnt how it works. It never does work out that way, folks. When your used to living life one way and move n with others who live it their own way, it can be a situation where things don’t always fit properly, so you compromise and avoid any friction. I don’t think anyone likes being dependent on anyone else, nor does anyone want to be a burden on anyone who is trying to help them.

My search for a new place to live must now go on with a little more urgency, and it must become more intense. So, I will try to look at condos and mobile homes and loans for both, I shall also try to find an affordable rental if I can. I can’t promise anything, but to try.

Look some do not fully understand my full medical condition and I have not told anyone all of it. It really matters not I think in the end, does it? What do you do with a man, who has PTSD, Six Herniated discs in his spine, high blood pressure and diabeties, plus a history of minor strokes? Not much really to do is there?

I don’t need fancy or big, I don’t want small and a box either, looking at homes. I will never own another home that is over 4100 Square feet again, nor do I want to. I don’t want to plow driveways, cut grass, fix roofs. I want a place for me to relax in in my older days, and to enjoy myself when I want. Is it too much to ask, I hope not, Lord, I hope not. I really would like a 55 plus community, where there are others I can talk to my own age and events to do, when I want to. Something that will keep my mind busy and my heart going also. Is it too much to ask, I don’t know but, I can try, can’t I?

One more thing to say here today. I know others are reading this blog and shaking their heads at what I say, and going whats wrong with this guy. My opinions and thoughts are my own folks and so are my feelings about everything and everyone and all situations. I do not force anything on anyone and never would, not my way, ask people who have known me since I was 14 years old, they would tell you, straight up. So, please, allow me my place to vent and say what I feel or think I need to say. I don’t try to change anyone’s mind, or ways and I don’t expect anyone to force anything on me, either. My head pounds at times, I get light headed, I tend to go from highs to lows emotionally and that is how it is for me these days. My breathing can be eractic also, where as I stop breathing and then restart suddenly and yes people do notice it too. So, as to how long I last I do not know, but I do know, when I do pass myself, I just wish to be cremated, and buried next to my wife and a military funeral. I think Uncle Sam can do that for me, since i served for 16 years of my life and have 5 Honorable Discharges to my name.

I would not be surprised if I died of a brain hemmorage, or a cancer related death, fate tell me it is possible and what I feel may happen. But again who knows for sure, I am just a man trying to figure out life and my own health and what to do next now, it is all I can do.

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