Thoughts this am at wake-up!

January 29th, 2022. Snow is here and it is falling and has been since last night around 11 pm. The accumulation is not heavy as of yet, yet, there is no telling when it will stop, it is now a little after 6 am. When you get to my age at 66 years old now, you tend to not want to go dig yourself out at all so you stock up ahead of time and stay inside and keep warm. It’s the best for all of us who grow older to do as we move on in life.

I woke this morning thinking of my wife who died last August and what came to mind was two things, how much I miss her companionship and knowledge and that my mind was racing through could I have done anything in her final six months any different to keep her alive?

I laid there in bed, and did a logical progression in my head, over it all. From the moment she fell at 3am, that night, to the end in our home, and what I have concluded is I did all I could for her. I can’t see anything more, I could have done or would have either.

When she fell I rushed to her and got her up and called an ambulance. I got her into an Emergency Room and cared for. It would not be the last time, I didn’t know it. I thought she just slipped and fell and would be fine, till the Doctors admitted her. I had no idea what had caused it, but I knew she had cancer, and I did the right thing.

She went from the hospital to a Rehab facility, then from the Rehab facility in one place to a second for sixty days before I could bring her home once more. Then we had sixty days of her being close to normal at home, until one evening we were watching television and she listed to one side in her recliner. I tried to get her to sit up straight she couldn;t. I ultimately called 911 again and the process began over back to the Emergency room and then a hospital room. When I learned the cancer that started as breast cancer had spread to her bones, then to her marrow and blood stream and finally her brain. She had a mass in her head that began it all, she knew about it far before me, and never told me too. I think she was protecting me, in someway at the time.

When she left the Hospital it was back to the Rehab Facility down the street from me. I couldn’t care for her alone at home at this point and she knew it. I would drive down and visit her three times a day.

By August, I knew she was in big trouble she barely responded to me and was unable to even feed herself anymore. So I would stay and feed her the best I can until she wouldn’t eat much anymore. So, I went to the Administrator of the facility to find out her status and what they were saying. She couldn’t do PT anymore, she couldn’t do mental tests anymore or anything else. I asked how long she had left on her Medicare and was told four days, and then it would cost 350 dollars a day to keep her there.

Money now became a problem for her care and for me to survive too. So I had the Rehab call in Hospice and set her up to come home with me, where i hired a Nursing Agency and set her up in our dining room. Now, I knew at this stage what was going to happen, because as soon as you put someone in hospice you must sign a Do No Resuscitate Order for them. I did so regretfully of course I had no choice.

My wife came home for the final days on July 29th, 2021. I spent days with her while she could hear me and talked to her. She could not respond much at all. I would talk to her and feed her till her final days, the best I could. I was by now only thinking of her not myself at all. As the time clicked and days went by I became desperate, scared and felt I needed help. I called my sister who came and sat with me for my wife’s final ten days of life, caring for her with me.

I had gone to another room to check on bill payments and as I did my sister came in and told me she had passed. It was sad, it was hard on me and still is today to think of it all. Tears well up each moment I write this and think of that day, August 10th, 2021.

I did the right thing when I called Hospice to report her death then called her daughter to let her know her mom was gone. The daughter came down and said her goodbyes and the three of us sat waiting for the funeral home to send the hearst for pickup. It was over. Her burial took place August 20th, 2021.

I ended up in a hospital for ten days because of depression and thoughts of suicide, I reached out to the Veteran’s Hospital and was admitted. MY sister came and got me and kept me out of the home my wife and I had for 28 years, until we started cleaning it all out.

Now that is all the basics I go over and I know in my heart and mind and soul I did all I could for my wife whom I loved dearly and always will till the day I die. I got her a headstone with her name on it and mine too.

Do I have any regrets about anything I did no I don’t. I did all I could for my wife in her time of need and after she died. When it comes to it all being right or wrong I did it all right.

So, that’s where my mind was this Saturday Morning when I awoke at 5 am, and as i write this down. I have been going day by day, and it is my only way of surviving and making it to my own ending, I hope.

It is now over five months since my wife passed. There is always something that reminds me of her, or thoughts of her swirling through my mind and heart. I try to keep the memories of the good times with me always and push through day by day is all. Will it get easier? I am hoping so, I do know, the last words I heard from my wife was that she loved me, as I did her.

28 years together we had, and her passing has left a big hole in my life and my heart too. I hope and pray she is finally at rest and will never have pain again.

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