Searching for a life of my own.

Three days into February of 2022 now! Slowly time passes for me, as I do miss my deceased wife, of the past 28 years. No matter what I do, where I am, or what is happening around me, I find my memories of her surfacing for me. Now, there have been many memories we had in 28 years, and even to the day she died, we were close and I must say, it was a great benefit to me to have her. We communicated well, we stood together against everything needed to be done and anyone who came after either of us. I have many photos of her and I together smiling, happy, and enjoying life and I am so thankful for each of them in every way.

Some thought my wife was too aggressive or too nosey or too pushy and that she treated me and others in a bad way. I know she was brash at times, always thought she was right and knew best, but I expected that myself, for she was sixteen years my senior. He advised and helped me, in many ways, from medical decisions, to education decisions, to money decisions and I helped her in return in all ways I could too. I miss all of that these days as i try to carry on by myself.

We took trips together to Washington, New Mexico and Canada, we danced in taverns and we went to movies together, read some of the same books, sat in one office worked together, played together too. We had a long life together and i shall never forget her or all we did together. It’s a natural thing for me to feel and say, I miss her.

We did what few couples would do, we ignored advice from our families, reached out and helped them on both sides as best we could, and in the end we still stood together strong, loyal, faithful to each other. I must admit and say this to all who read this, the loyalty, commitment, caring and loving we had, led us both to never cheat on one another or lie to one another. In the end, when she was dying I was there by her side and I told her numerous times i loved her and her last words to me, were I Love You. So yes, it is normal for me to miss her and think of her, yet when the memories flood my mind and I feel I am missing her, I do not cry, I basically go silent, and hold the pain of losing her inside. It is not anyone’s business anyway is it? I think not.

Now as my life goes forward, I look forward to finding my own place in the world, my own place to live and starting over on my own, the best I can. I can only hope for a comfortable place to live I can afford, with no work or fixing of the home i live in. I hope to end up in a 55 plus community of condos among people of my own age. A place where there are activities to do, and people I can talk to in my own age range. As we age, I am finding it not exactly comfortable around those younger than I, because they are of a different generation and don’t have the same manners or understanding of life, events and interactions like I do. People my own age are much more on my wavelength so to say. So a 55 plus community is where I need to be.

So, as time moves forward, I hope to find my place and find new friends in a new location. I just want peace, people to talk to, I can communicate with, and a place of safety and comfort. Am I asking too much, I don’t think so, I think after the life I have lived, I deserve comfort, some fun, some people to make friends with and in the end, a life of my own.

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