February 12th, 2022


February 12th, 2022, I awoke early this morning and tried to go back to sleep after only four hours of sleeping and was unable to. It’s been this way now since my wife passed in August of 2021, from cancer. It is hard for me to get tired and sleep much at all. Why I don’t know for sure. I did all I can regarding her death and I know I did right by her in every way I could at the time.

Time, it seems is not being kind to me as I age, at 66 years old I am losing weight now, and not being able to sleep a straight eight hours at a clip anymore is not good for my health. I know it and I am aware of it, yet, I can’t force my body to do a damn thing about it all. I wish I could even sleeping pills don’t help these days as I wake up with my mind going over and over my wife’s death, my own future and where I can live, and what to do next. My mind races and I have dreams that come to me regarding, her death and how I miss her, and if I can move on without her at all.

Bills to pay, a house to sell, problems with the sale due to pipes bursting, putting money down on a new place, and hoping all works out has my mind racing in many directions now. I am constantly cold in body temperature and have trouble staying warm these days. Why I don’t know, I just know what is happening to me, or not happening to me. Each moment I am awake I wonder how much further in life I can go alone and survive. I don’t know what to do with my life anymore, it is as if I am losing my reasons to care if I live or die really. I know some will say that I am crazy or I am having a pity party or something, but the truth is I am trying to find a reason to keep going nowadays. Is that wrong for me to do, I don’t know, but I know what I feel and how I think right now, and I wonder what the hell I am still here for.

I had a purpose when my wife was alive for 28 years I cared for her and our home to the best of my ability and we were together always. I would take care of her, feed her, take her to doctors and tests and she would support me in all ways. We were companions, friends, lovers, and always there for one another. I so miss her it is crazy and each day is now a struggle for me.

Many will never understand what it is like to lose their partner of so many years they married and loved so unless you go through it all, you will never understand. It saps your energy, your spirit, and I wander sometimes aimlessly trying to make sense of what to do next. I get up every day and I see no real future for me, because she is not with me, and the loneliness eats at my soul and heart. Am I crazy, or am I losing it, I don’t know anymore, is it just the grief I feel, or is it a lot more than my mind and heart can handle?

I try to find small things to hang on to and keep going daily, but they are few and far between in a covid-19 world these days. When you have no one to talk to really, no one to share hopes with cares with, or love with you tend to go what the hell am I here for. You struggle to get out of bed or to shower or shave in my case. Or, get up and wander aimlessly to get coffee and stare at a tv screen or computer screen trying to connect with the world and not getting there most of the time. There is a sense of disconnect, a sense of being lost without a rudder, a sense of why am I here, what is my purpose is here. Will I be able to keep going and then I feel like I am hanging on by no more than a thin thread of life here.

I watched as my wife went downhill from her cancer over the last ten years of her life. It sapped her strength, her physical strength, her mental abilities, and finally immobilized her. I was with her every moment of it and stayed with her till her end. I cried and still do today over the loss of her and all she meant to me. I will be crying for the rest of my life I am sure.

I am trying to find a way forward, a new location to live the rest of my life, a place to find people and make friends again. Can I, only time will tell now, as I try to buy a new home, rid myself of the old one, and in the end try to start over. I knew the moment my wife died I would be lost without her, and I was right in all ways.

I took the advice of friends and family to sell the home, I knew I could never stay in it anymore. Now I am trying to sell it outright and buy a condo. Now, new is nice I am sure and many would love the idea of a brand new condo and a new place to love new everything. Yet the loneliness of it all and not knowing what will work or not work for me is a big thing on my mind now.

I am trying to take one day at a time, stay positive look for the good in life, and get done what is needed for me to live in the future. Yet I realize I am 66 years old, my health is not the greatest, and I fear aging myself and being alone forever. I don’t really know anymore what to do with myself.

Life is not meant to be a lonely time folks, it is meant to share with someone. If you have been alone all your life well I have no idea how the hell you did it or are doing it. I always wanted someone with me, for companionship, as a confident, lover and friend for good times and bad. Maybe I am wrong but I believe the good Lord made human beings to be with other human beings. Am I to be alone now forever till I die and pass from this planet? I don’t know but, if so, I know it will be a lonely ending for me if it is so.

I have family, but few now, I have friends again but few who know me really. They recommend and have told me to stay strong, carry on, one day at a time and do the best I can. I am doing that, one has suggested I should find another woman to share my time with and get to know, I am hesitant on that, for in my mind and heart no one can replace the wife I lost. I don’t think I am wrong in that assumption, or in feeling this way, I think all who lose someone feel it too. Is it right, is it wrong, am I weak or am I strong, I don’t know anymore, I just know I am here and I can only do what I can to go on or give up. Surrender has never been an option in my life, although I have considered it more than once now. I have friends who died young and one who or two who shot themselves and I never even thought of that. I don’t know what will happen in my case now, will I carry on and be able to handle the loss and pain I feel, or what options are left for me now? I don’t know anymore!

I have faced problems in the past, and overcome them, but this is not a problem you overcome when you lose the one you loved so deeply for so long. It is a process that is rough emotionally, and mentally and it affects you even physically over time, I know I am living it now. They say, when your husband or wife dies, the one left behind joins them soon after, will that happen to me, I know not. I wonder at times what I really do, for each day is one at a time.

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