I have lived 66 years and at no time in my life have I ever felt so alone and scared of the future, especially since my wife passed last August. I have tried to be brave, to be strong, to hang on and carry on as if all is ok, and it isn’t. I know I miss my wife, I know it is normal to grieve and to have periods of sadness and up and downs. But I also know I am scared of being alone in the future.
I know my thoughts and my emotions and feelings, and I know for me it will be rough and I am not sure how long I can go on. I have no purpose in life anymore, I find myself staring at walls, talking to myself, and crying alone in bed. I find myself wondering what will happen next, do I wish to see it and can I handle any of it? Do I really have any more left to contribute to life? I have my doubts big time folks, and I know some may think otherwise. I am physically weaker, mentally weaker, and emotionally a wreck and I hide it all. I have to too, I can’t allow my sister to see it all.
I know I had ten days in a facility to try to pull myself back together and it helped for a bit. Now it is like a page from the past lost to me like my wife is. It happened I know it happened yet, I can’t remember it anymore or what I was there for and what they tried to help me do.
Many think I am fine and I would never say otherwise, but my future is going to be living alone in a condo, in a community of 55 plus people. I haven’t lived alone in 28 years folks. I am scared, nervous, and under the facade of a smile or joke, I shake internally in all ways. I am scared, terrified of the idea of being fully alone again. Is that hard to understand, or am I wrong for feeling that way or thinking that way?
At times I think I would be better off not to be alive anymore, seriously. I think of what it would be like to join my wife again. To not have to worry anymore about how I will survive, what to do. I am lost, floundering, wandering, and wondering, how long can I last in this state? Is there a way out of it for me, or what will happen? I have no idea and it sends shivers through my mind and body, I have no idea how to stop the fears.
Look I know I can impose on my sister and her man here. I understand they have their own lives to live, and I am a burden being in their home. I also know, they want their lives back and their privacy too. yet I wonder, what will happen, once I am alone on my own, and there is no one here to talk to or see anymore. The silence alone will get me, and I know depression will hit me again. So, I have no idea what to do about any of it. I know it will be rough, and I have no idea how I will handle it or what I may do.
I have been down the suicidal path now, and I see it coming at me again. Will I survive it or not is the real question. For you see, being isolated and alone is not good for me and I know it. I have seen it already, and I have no idea what to do on my own.
As I see it, there is a great possibility, I won’t last long on my own. It doesn’t matter if I have a new place to live or new furniture. It will all be nothing more than material things to me that mean not a damn thing without my wife to share them.
I have been told I will meet new people and I will be fine, I don’t believe it really. I don’t see how it will be possible for me. Yet, I know I have little choice in any of it. I am not an extrovert, I am not a super friendly person, I am not someone who attracts others, impresses others, or makes friends easily. I never have been.
Each night I climb in bed, I look at the ceiling and then, my CPAP Machine, I fill it with water. I take pills to sleep with, I lay in silence praying to sleep well, yet, my mind is racing at ten thousand miles an hour over my wife’s passing, her burial, the way it went. I end up swearing at her daughter and sister for what they did as she died. I end up hating them and then trying to forgive them and can’t find a way to do so. I roll over again and again until I pass out. Sleep is not easy for me, these days, too many thoughts, visions, and dreams come to my mind. Nightmares of her death, hit me and I sometimes talk to her laying in bed and no one responds. When I finally sleep it is for a short period of time, my body jumps at times, and my breathing even on a CPAP machine is not normal, I sometimes stop breathing and I know it. It is all a pattern now, I go through each night. Is it normal, is it right, am I crazy, am I broken and damaged, am I falling apart, I have no idea anymore.
It is the hardest thing in the world to stop your mind from returning to the thoughts, going over the events, her death, and the emotional turmoil at times kicks my ass, to be honest. I fall in and out of depression and in out of thoughts of suicide. I lean to it and then run from it. I get the thought over and over, of why am I here anymore, what is my purpose, should I end it all. Somehow I hang on and I don’t know-how so far, but how long will that hold before it doesn’t anymore. That is my question that I cannot answer these days.