Death Be Not Proud they say.

Death Be Not Proud was a book written about a man’s son dying of brain cancer. It had its own meaning of course, that belonged to the Author of the book. The basic of it was a boy died, and no one really understood how or why fully. At least that is the way I translated it in my mind.

Now, as time goes on I know, death has now become a fascination for me since my wife’s death from cancer last year. I find myself, leaning at times to ending my own life for I find no purpose anymore in being alive here on earth without her. Everyone who lives and is living daily does so for a purpose. to reach a goal, to accompany someone they love, to create something, or to make something right. We all are supposed to have things to live for, are we not?

What happens I ask now when you run out of reasons to be here, reasons to want to do things, you lack the motivation to do anything. What happens when all your goals are gone and you are left, an empty shell of what you were, and in the end, you can’t find another motivation to carry on?

I find myself at that point in my life after my wife died last August of 2021. I find myself just going through the motions of eating, drinking, sleeping and each step I take when I get up is on autopilot so to say. I feel like there is nothing I am doing that is worth anything anymore. I try to see my way to a new beginning in the near future, maybe a new location, a new home, but I find my mind and heart, not in it. Without someone to share it with, or to be with me I wander aimlessly and have no real purpose.

As I now look at death and what may come I find just what I say to keep going is Death is Not Proud, but I find the resistance to it all slipping from my mind and heart. I find no reason to go on really and find myself thinking of different ways to just leave this place of existence I am living in. It is now just that an existence without meaning or purpose, so why am I here still?

To me, Death Be Not Proud says there is something to be ashamed of in dying, I do not find that so, in my mind. Without purpose, reason, to go on, why stay alive? I have had three people I have known in my life commit suicide and I used to think what a shame that they did. I don’t find myself thinking that way anymore, I find myself thinking they found the way to eternal rest on their own timeline and for their own reasons. They seem to me, to have followed their own reasoning and logic, to the conclusion they believed was proper at the time they did it. Am I wrong, I doubt it these days for I feel the lost, helpless feeling they must have felt. I find no purpose in my life anymore.

I had two marriages, two children, two dogs, two of everything in my life. I did all I could in my life and achieved a lot. Is there any way, I could have done anything I did differently, I don’t think so, at this time. So in the end, if I stop to think of all of it, I can honestly say, if I die tomorrow, my death would not matter to anyone, so I now understand, why Death Be not Proud! There is no pride in dying, but there is sadness in staying when there is no reason or purpose in life in being here! It only drives one to depression, sadness, and isolation. It may be that Death Be Not Proud is true, but at least in the end it is a peaceful eternal rest isn’t it?

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