Life never is easy on anyone, and I understand difficulties better than most. Yet, for me since my wife’s passing, it has been one obstacle after another to go over, or around or through. I miss my wife and she always had a way of getting things done, that was a lot smoother than I. She knew how to schmooze people and how to talk better than I do. I tend to screw up when I talk too much or get overly excited and say things, I shouldn’t say. In the end, it slows the process of what needs to be done on time it seems. I have always been and will I guess always be an impatient person on items that need to be done. I don’t know why, it is maybe because I am full of anxiety and my nerves are on edge always.
Anyway, I can’t change things alone so I try to get help where needed. It’s always one day at a time and one item at a time for me. I don’t multi-task well it seems. So, I end up getting nervous and it affects all I say or do sometimes in an inverse way and causes me problems I didn’t have in the first place. Lofe is still a mystery at this age and that for me is kinda strange and silly and at the same time dangerous for me. For if you set something in motion and it stops suddenly then you have problems.
Right now nothing I want to be done is in my hands anymore, I have to await results others are doing for me. The hardest part will always be waiting for me. Sadly, I don’t know what to do with myself as I wait, these things out, so my mind races, and I get jumpy and edgy. It only hurts the process and me, but it seems beyond my control. My mind and body do as they want in these situations so I must keep my mouth shut, and wait, it all out.
In the meantime, daily life goes on around me, and personally, I have to wait. I have no real-life right now since my wife died and I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. So I go day by day hoping and praying things to get done soon.
As to the future and what happens next, I do not know right now, I just wish to move on and be on my own once more to start anew. It is rough without my wife, for she was always a buffer for me. She was more diplomatic and a confidant and friend and my lover in all ways. I miss her dearly, and now have to find a way to struggle through all I must do. I will attempt to get through it all, but I hope I don’t fail at any of it.
I live day by day now, and I pray for just being able to do that. I hope I can get what I need on time and done, I do not want to not complete it now. I pray daily to get it all done on time as planned. Yet it is now beyond my control. So the waiting game must be done.