I hope people can understand and forgive me.

Seven months today, since my wife passed away from her cancer battle. Every 10th of the month, it hits me and I end up depressed and crying over her being gone. They say time will heal me, they say I should be ok, and I have to stay positive and look ahead, I am trying. I am advised by Doctors to try to look ahead and move on and take care of myself first and foremost. Yet, in the end, I get befuddled, confused, and overwhelmed by all I must go through and do since her passing.

I am very lucky to have a sister who cares and is doing all she can to help me through it all. Without her, I would be lost and scared and hospitalized or worse by now. Depression is a killer folks and it has me in its grip, many times a day, every day. I have seen Doctors, talked to Doctors, and tried to deal with the reality of it all yet, in the end, I am still overwhelmed with all of it, and what to do next in my life and how to do it. Nothing is working to overcome the depression I feel, nor is there a way to beat it, in my opinion. I try each day to stay on the positive side, and while I look fine on the outside to all who see me, inside I am crumbling and in tears. I guess it is all part of the grieving process I am going through, coupled with my PTSD of childhood and Military service time. I know I am not myself, I am trying to handle it internally and it is overwhelming me, confusing me, befuddling me and at times I just lose it. Sadly, as I age I am finding there are some things in life I can not handle the way I used to and I make mistakes. I know I have never been perfect no one is, and I know I have more faults and problems than most. In the end, I made it to 66 years old. Don’t ask me how ok, I have outlived my parents, who died both in their fifties many years ago now, both of cancer.

I survived Lung Cancer in 2013, it didn’t get me, but, depression and anxiety may, time will tell. I will struggle on and hope for the best, but, without my wife, it shall not be easy. All one can do is try, and if I make mistakes as I go along, I hope people can understand and forgive me.

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