March 19th, 2022, each day passes slowly and it is agonizingly so for me. I miss my wife and I know I have been told many times, she passed let her rest and I do. That doesn’t mean my heart and soul are not with her. They are folks and will be forevermore, I guarantee that.
I am now another day closer to selling the house in Connecticut and buying the condo in Massachusetts here. I am also another day closer to my end I am sure, at least I feel it each day when my eyes awake and my back aches and my left side is numb. I need my CPAP machine to sleep each night, due to my sleep apnea, I suffer from. Bad enough, when you have to sleep with a mask and hose set up on, but add my back problems and well you get the idea.
As life goes, I try to go day by day as I wake up, plan some form of attack on what I must do, and then carry on the best I can. Each day seems harder and harder for me, to keep my will alive and to have something to look forward to. While buying a condo and new furniture and getting it all together at some point here is nice, and having my own place will be nice, the loneliness will get me I am sure. Privacy for all of us as humans is vital I know, we all love it, yet, when you live it by yourself, it is hard to figure out what to do next. I am old now, 66 years old is no spring chicken in today’s world, I have no idea when I shall pass, but I am thinking once alone, it won’t be too much longer.
We live life with others, and we interact because that is how it goes for all human beings. It’s the social aspect of life that keeps us going, when you hit the age I am at you really don’t want to go to taverns, bars, or clubs anymore. Why, because your body aches, your mind can’t take crowds anymore, you begin to reject crowds, loud music, and more.
I will still have to go shopping and get out to find things to do, but, drinking is not one of them I am sure, I have never been a drinker. I have a problem with large crowds, I just feel uncomfortable among many people. So, I will probably end up in my condo most of the time, going to the community center some, and hoping to find people there. I may walk the trails around the lake where I am going too. Yet I know I am not a very social person at my age anymore, I can only hope to find and meet new people in my own age bracket in this 55 plus community. If I don’t, well, I don’t believe I shall last long for this life. I know myself very well, isolation, loneliness, will take me out, especially since my wife’s passing. If I die my life insurance is paid for and my living trust is intact and made out.
I spent my life, trying to help others, and I spent my time with those I loved or friended and who friended me. I tried to connect and make life work, by being there when needed by others. It is what I have done since I was a kid. I explained to someone the other day, I have friends out there i have known for over 50 years, who know me. It is not like I throw friendships away, time and circumstances make me move away, but other than that I still have the same friends, some of them from when I was fourteen years old. Yet, when you are married for 28 years to someone and the last 16 years were fighting her cancer, your friendships go by the way. You concentrate on the partner you love and caring for them, it is what I did.
The part of life we can not control is how long we live and when we die. The Good Lord controls that I say. He puts us in the world and then he decides when we are recalled or have expired our time on the planet. I have always had a belief, since I was young, that, God Creates us and he determines how long we live, and what we must do in life. I believe we do not know why we are on this planet, or what exactly we are to do, God does that for us. Each of us I believe, were born, to complete certain missions in our lives, when we complete them the Good Lord says ok, time to come home. That mission could be to write a book, a poem, help others in some way. It could be almost anything, and we never know what it may be. The unknown is just that unknown for a reason. For the Good Lord’s actions and reasons are just that unknown to all of us. One day, you are here the next you are gone, and it’s just a fact.
For me at 66 years old, I feel the pain in my bones each day and night, I awake in pain daily now, my back and spine messed up. gravity these days affect me, I can feel it pressing me downwards. Mentally I hold my own and sometimes I speed ahead of others, or get confused. But, I can’t change my way of thinking or how my brain works. It’s just there and a part of me.
Emotionally, I was always a stable person, able to emotionally handle anything and willing to stand tall to help others. These days, that is not true anymore, I get emotional and cry over my wife’s passing last August and at times I get emotional when I realize I can’t handle all I used to anymore. As we age we tend to lose full functions and our abilities do disintegrate some. We are not as quick mentally, or able to remember everything as well as before.
I know I am facing my ending soon enough, and I am no fool. I have imposed on my sister and her man now for a long time and it is time to move on as soon as I close, on my condo. I shall do so, and move into a new home. Once I do I will have busy work setting it up to do of course and more for a while. But once it is done, I have no idea what I will do next or how it will go. I just know, I have to do it and get it done as soon as I can, to make life easier on my sister and her man too.
Will I survive it all and still be able to carry on and live for a while, I do not know. I do know I must do so alone once I move and hope is all I have. Onward I must go, and time shall tell me how soon, I get recalled by the Good Lord and what is in store for me next.