March 31st, 2022

March 31st, 2022 has arrived and the third month of 2022 will close at the end of today. For me 2021 and up until now, has been a journey for sure. I spent from last year, March 13th, 2021 till August 10th, 2021 taking care of my wife who passed from cancer. I have dealt wit her passing in the only way I know how by grieving and doing what I had to do to bury her properly, by her wishes on August 20th, 2021. Then, I had to deal with how to get out from under the home we had together and I was very lucky in the fact I had a sister and her man to help me do so. I have thanked them many times over the past 7 months, also for taking me in, while I tried to sell the home and buy a condo here in Massachusetts. It has been a journey and battle to survive it all so far, But the house did finally sell and I did finally close on my condo.

Now I never wanted to be a burden or a bother for my sister and her man, I tried to stay out of their business and mind my own. I thought I did well in doing that, but, it seems not as well as I should have. I have differences in how I view things, then they do of course I am of one generation and they are of another so to say. In the end, no matter what, I thanked them for their support and help numerous times and they did get compensated for my being in their home for so long.

I come from the old school method of relationships, where the man takes care of the bills and his woman and treats her with respect always and spends his time with her. I am not of the woke generation, who do things differently. I am sorry about that, but, as long as my sister is safe and happy, I will be fine with whatever they do.I didn’t ask to be told of the problems in their relationship by my sister, but I always asked the same question why it happens? Sadly, what were meant to be advising conversations between my sister and I due to her complaining, got told by her to her man, and he blew it out of proportion of course and got angry. I tried to resolve it with him, but as my sister says he is german and stubborn and won’t give an inch. So basically my final two weeks in their home, were spent in a dead silence between myself and her man. As I told him, I was working to leave as soon as possible and I left as soon as I had a bed and a place of my own.

I wish the circumstances were different but I can’t change a thing. So I accept it and move on the best I can, as any adult would do. In the end as I have told my sister, I will not return to their home again, not even to visit, she may bring my stuff to me or sell what is left in her garage and home.

As to anything else it will be one day at a time for me, as I learn to live alone once more. One day at a time, one item at a time, one medical problem at a time, or whatever. I can’t push anything I am too old and infirm these days to do so. I suffer from physical ailments like 6 herniated discs in my spine, plus PTSD so, I take it one moment at a time. I have no choice really. I have now outlived my real father, my stepfather, my mother, and now my second wife is the only one who lived longer than I, because I married an older woman. I even have a younger brother who passed many years ago at 30 or so years old. I surprise myself each day I awaken and open my eyes, for I never figured on living past 40 years old. Yet here I am, half the time having a hard time understanding today’s world and even standing up straight. It is a life I hope I have lived well, some will say no to that about me, but, I think I have.

My poems will live on after I am gone, as wil some short stories I did. My children, are grown with children of their own of course and doing ok. I didn’t have much to say about that, my first wife did, it was not my fault, but life went on anyway, didn’t it?

Life is a day by day mystery for all of us, we can only control ourselves, not anyone or anything else. Circumstances we react to, decisions we make are based on what we already know. It is how we decide things we do or say, we base them on what we have been through, and from those experience to handle our day by day actions and reactions to the life we live.

Unlike many before me, and I am sure there are some like me too, I know my time line is running shorter by the day. Some will huff and puff and tell me I will live a long time, they don;t know me, or my conditions well. I survived lung cancer in 2013, I was very lucky then. I fought my deceased wife’s cancer with her for 16 of the 28 years we were together, I served Uncle Sam for 16 straight years too. The wear and tear on my body, my mind and soul is beginning to take it’s toll. I feel it daily, But I am determined to continue on, until I can’t anymore.People want to judge me for things I say, well, one thing about me, I don’t like, liars of all sorts, and I hate people who try to con you, or use you also. I learned a lesson a long time ago from my step-father, lying is dangerous and can be deadly, and to avoid con men and women ,also who can take you. People have a tendency to use you to get what they want, then disappear or dump you. Always remember, to stand on your own and don’t count on anyone.

I have lived, I have loved, I have cried and I have grieved, I have run and i have walked and in the end I always have talked. I write, I try to help others and if I have failed at anything in my life, it may be in the area of communication. For I fail at times to say things properly, or out of context, or I speak truths and it is sometimes not my place to do so. Yet, i know for myself, I know no other way to be me. As I have said before to many in my life as I grow older, I am me, I know not anyone else to be, or any other way to be, I am just me !. Accept me as I am, or leave me be, is all I can say.

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