July 26th, 2022, Existence is All

Monday has arrived ! It is now July 25th, 2022, slowly time ticks on for me, and it is now getting closer to the date of my wife’s passing last August of 2021.

Some will ask how I am doing these days let me describe it for you. I wake up in pain from my back injuries and pain in my stomach area I wake up angry at being alive each day. I am asked, why I am always so angry, well between, my loss of my wife, loneliness, pain each day, I get angry just thinking of why the hell am I, existing these days?

I wake and stumble from bed and fall on the floor, trying to stand up straight half the time, in pain. Then I get dressed slowly and carefully, so my back won’t go or hurt worse than it does. What is planned for the day i am asked, well let me tell you nothing! I have nothing planned each day and I just do nothing, except walk, watch tv, play x-box or on a computer for chats. My life is boring, and I have no social contacts at all here where I live, except for playing pool once a week.

What do I have to look forward to, daily. Actually nothing, there is no one, nothing to do except walk and watch the world go by for me. I don’t want a dog or a cat for a pet they cost to keep alive and care for. They need walking and cleaning up, after daily, and it hurts me to bend and walk.

I go shopping as needed for food, and if I have a Doctor appointment I go as needed. My life is just that mundane, it isn’t a life really, it’s survival and existence only. Am I lying or saying something wrong, no I am not. My life is running towards it’s ending at a fast pace and I know it. I actually have nothing to say to anyone these days, I have no involvement in anyone else’s life, and my own is just that boring.

Do I have a hobby or do I volunteer for anything no, I am too angry for that. So I read old books, build puzzles and watch tv and play video games. I exist, I am alive but barely. I wish I wasn’t alive, many times each day I wake up. I miss my wife, and the life we had, we had companionship, we had communication, we had loyalty and it was a relationship of caring for one another and spending time with one another.

What kills a person is isolation, loneliness, no social interactions, and in the end that eats at one’s mind and soul. I have basically surrendered at 66 years old to what awaits me and what awaits all mankind at one point or another, death. I honestly can say, I have nothing to live for these days, the inevitable outcome stares me in the face every day. The only consolation I have is I shall be buried next to the woman I loved. AT least I know where she is and that I can join her when I go. Life goes on around me, and I do not have the will or want to join in anymore. It’s just a fact for me, and I have grown to accept it as so. So, as stated in many books and many movies across the world we live in, this must be what the death spiral is and feels like! At least in my mind it does!

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