Hello, July 27th, 2022, a new day has dawned and it is 6;15 am here. Each day, my life seems to be getting worse for me. It doesn’t matter, what I do or how I do it, mentally and emotionally, my living is a burden on me in one way or another.
Physically, my health is not good either, my back is misaligned and I am in pain ,always. Then, I have to deal with taking my pills each day to survive diabetes, high blood pressure and such. Mentally, my mind wanders at times, and I am actually isolated from the world, even though, it doesn’t look it to others. I don’t associate with anyone at all and I actually am tired of trying to. I tend to avoid people as much as humanly possible, and I am constantly angry. Why, I am not sure, it just is.
Last night, I went to bed upset, and three times I stopped breathing and jolted awake in my bed. My whole body jumped, before I came to realize, I had forgot, to use my c-pap machine. Then it took me a good hour to finally establish breathing properly before I fell asleep. I average only 4 and a half to 5 hours sleep per night now, too. My PTSD kicks in and I go off on tangents and argue for no real reason it seems nowadays. The condition is worsening as I get older, memories of my childhood, the beatings I took, come back to me as nightmares and then I add in my military ones and wham, I am all messed up. Sadly, I doubt there is anyway to fix me, or anything I can do to change what is happening to me.
Time continues to fly by for me, and I am closing in on the first anniversary of my wife’s death, on August 10th. It weighs on my mind, even though I know I did all I could for her. I miss her companionship, her honesty, her advice, her love and caring and all of our open communication we always had. I am old now, 66 is no spring chicken anymore, I feel it in my bones and body and in my mind and spirit. Some keep telling me I am still young, the facts are the facts though, I know how old I feel and the aches and pains I feel as well as the mental leaps I have to make to keep going in this life. I struggle to do so, in every way, to such a point small things bother me, and I go off on people I shouldn’t.
I tire of the constant struggle to survive, to even breathe anymore. At times I have to stop and remember to breathe. What do I do all day I am asked, I clean my condo, I walk, I build puzzles, I write on computers, I read, at times play video games, and hide. I can’t stand large crowds, and I can’t stand people who are arrogant, angry, foolish or just in any way, play adolescent,in anyway. I hate liars, thieves, and con men and women. Don’t bullshit me, I hate it.
I lived to 66 and I know it has been a long life for me now, my parents died respectfully at 55, and 59 years old cancer victims. MY wife died a cancer victim too last year. I have had lung cancer also, in 2013. I have sen it, been through it and I hate that it happens to anyone. yet here I sit, alive and have no reason to be, when those have had more to live for then me died at younger ages. Why? The only family member I know on my side, who outlived me was my paternal grandfather, I am told he lived into his 90s.
What my purpose is in being here i do not know, nor am I finding a reason for being here on my own. I know many say, we are all put here for a reason, what that is in my case i have absolutely no idea and never have. Aging is not a great process to go through, nor is the losing of ones mental facilities in any way. Slowly memories start to fade on you. My Aunt died of Alzheimer’s, at 80 years old a while back, I just hope I not, go the same way, it is not a good way to go. Do I fear death or dying? I don’t think so folks. I think in the end, we all can only do so much in life and accomplish only what the good Lord wishes us to, and then carry on and go back to him. We are sent here, to complete some mission, what it is precisely we shall never know, but when we do, I believe we get called back to his side. The grave is not the end of us, except here on earth, we return to whence we came from, to await a new destiny we have no idea of. That’s my belief and feelings as of today.
I have already set up my Trust and my Will is in it. That was done years ago. My burial will be done I am sure by the Military, I served Honorably for 16 years in three branches. And my burial plot is paid for next to my wife’s. I just want peace and to die without intense pain, physically or mentally. Is that asking for too much ?