August 10, 2022, Today is the one year anniversary of my wife Melinda passing. It has hit me hard from the moment I awoke this am and has weighed heavily on my mind and heart. I miss her dearly, her laughter, her questioning things, her open communication, her knowledge, her caring and love. I miss her in many ways, I miss cooking for her, caring her her, driving her where she needed to go, and even going to get her prescriptions and knowing she needed me. It’s the little things in life and relationships that count. That tender smile, that little touch. small things I miss the most.
I have been trying to live my life without her and it is not easy, and the memories flood my mind daily. One moment I am fine and doing ok, the next moment I enter depression and hate myself for being alive and the fact she is not with me. My health goes up and down, physically and mentally over it all. I have lost 30 pounds since her death, and my pants didn’t fit me anymore. I try to walk and keep my mind busy if i can, and I barely see anyone these days unless I have to. I may go to the store, or doctor, but that has really been it. I am told I am crazy and nuts because i get upset easy, and I yell at people now and then. Little things get me and I just go off, my self-control is shot, especially on this day in question. I wish sometimes, I could handle pressure the way I used to, or I could put up with bullshit more, but I can’t these days it seems. My nerves are shot, my emotions go up and down, and I go off. Sadly, it happens and I say things I shouldn’t and people get upset, mad and angry with me. I just can’t handle people these days anymore. Will I ever overcome it all and be able to live a normal life again, I doubt it. In the end, I know for me, my life is really over, I wake each day, but I just go thru the motions I need to. I have no drive, no motivation, no care at all these days. It is like walking around in a cloud or fog, just doing whatever, to get through it all. I really have no drive to stay alive, I just want it all to end soon, so I can join my wife who passed. I know people will say I have a lot to live for, I am still young and should have fun, guess what, everyday is the same, it is called monetary, and boring. It’s a sad way to live if you get my drift.
Used to be I had things to do, a home to care for, a wife to take care of, I even had children at one time with my first wife. All I lived for was to make them money and buy them what they needed and to keep them happy and healthy. Now it is all gone, and i live in a 956 Sq Ft condo, and am bored to death each day. I talk to myself, or the walls or tv, I walk and walk. My life has no purpose for me anymore, it is sad for sure. And I do know it, but, I do not have the motivation or drive to change it. I have surrendered to it all, and I basically can’t handle much anymore.
I have thought of suicide many times, lately, for what purpose is life if you have no one to share it with, or any motivation to go out and live it. As I told someone recently, at some point, they will find me in this condo, at least my body, and that is the end of my life as I see it coming. Inevitably we all pass don’t we? I am just waiting for my time to come.