September 13th, 2022/Thoughts for today.

I am 66 years old, and I feel like i am 100 at times. My body is filled with pain and I go day by day, thru the motions of living by myself. Each day I wake, early and find myself with nothing to do but watch television, read a book or build puzzles. I am bored, tired and half the time just here, I have no real reason for being anymore. Everyday is a struggle and my body aches like never before, as my body jumps and spasms from back pain and then it jumps in my sleep and wakes me.

I know many would be happy to be in my position as long as they had someone to share life with, I have no one. I live in an area of a 55 plus community, in a small town in Ma. and in the end there is nothing for a man of 66 years old to do here. I have no romantic interest at all, nor do I ask anyone out, nor does anyone invite me anywhere. I am basically isolated and alone here in a condo, and I do absolutely nothing in life.

I tried when my wife passed last year to reach out for help and I ended up in a hospital for depression for two weeks. Then, I came to Ma. with my sister and we sold my home in CT, and i bought my condo here. So, after buying the condo I am finding myself more alone than ever before in my life. I have gone through books, reading daily, I have gone through building puzzles and walking long distances per day.I am not a social person in reality, I am a lone wolf, but it is bad for me. I have been told my depressive state is not a good sign for my health, and whatever future I have left. I know from personal experience over my 66 year old life, that I lose interest fast and that my being alone is dangerous for my mind wanders to dying myself.

Yes, I have considered suicide many time sin different ways, but I have stopped short so far. It doesn’t mean I won’t go out that way tho. More than likely I will, I lack social skills I have all my life, I have no ability to interact or even to flirt I never did learn that one. I do not laugh a lot for there is not much to laugh about nor do I smile much these days. I know I am a sad site to see for many who see me. It is my problem you see, I shy away from people, I hide and in the end I am alone as always. Life is not really worth living for me, but, I awake each day, and each one becomes a greater struggle to keep going. At times I only sleep more and to get thru the day to my bed at time to sleep more. No I do not drink and no I do not do drugs of any kind except medications I am prescribed. I don’t find bars or taverns fun, either.

I find people to be cruel at times, or to be foolish, and sometimes annoying and my ability to interact makes it that much worse for me. I avoid people. Some may wonder why, I just can’t handle it much longer, is what I believe.

Do I own a gun no, can I kill myself if I want yes, I can. I have medications and I live on the fourth floor of a condo complex. Have I thought of doing so, yes about three times a day actually. I also know, that if i continue in the way I am currently, it won’t be long that I am around.

Can I change anything, to make it less depressing or to make myself care more about living, I honestly doubt it at this point in life. I know I have lost too much in my life, and it is hard for me to see alight at the end of the tunnel I am in, it is dark.

I know now, I am not a person many care about, nor do I feel like someone cares. IT is a sad, feeling in me, and it is hard to shake no matter what I do. Can I survive much longer and how long will I? I have no real idea, to be honest, the way I see it I have served my purpose on this planet. I served my parents growing up, I served in the service for 16 years in three branches, I served my first wife and tried to serve my children, and then I served my second wife for 28 years. Now, I am alone, and to be honest, I know I shall die alone, probably in this condo, for I shall never move again. As my will to live and continue on wanes and disappears, do I have regrets, yes, but doesn’t everyone who lives?

I also watch the news and see the destruction of the world and even America as a democracy and Republic now. Sadly, America is too weak to take charge of what is happening to it. As a nation we were dumb when Trump was Elected President. Sadly, even Justice and equality under it is damaged as Trump walks free still and those who did his bidding during Jan. 6th and since and before, go to jail. The Department of Justice is not acting fast enough, Congress has fools in it and the Senate too who still back Trump, after his taking Secret and above documents out of the White House to his home. Why?

As Far as the current mess/ fiasco, with Donald J. Trump, I wish to say this, one woman took one secret document home and got 5 years in prison for it, The Rosenberg’s got the electric chair for their actions, and Benedict Arnold was banished from America for his actions. So, when will Justice for ALL and Equal Treatments under The Law come to bear here in this Trump fiasco? Please tell me folks. is Donald J. Trump above the laws of America, is he better than you or I, and does he deserve special treatment? If you took home secret or above documents, from the government, or incited an insurrection, do you think you would be eating steaks in Mar a Lago, or playing golf all day on the tax payers dime? I doubt it, you would be locked up and the key thrown away by now, and so would I. So why isn’t Donald J. Trump? Explain please!

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