Death Be Not Proud/ September 16th, 2022

I do not believe for me, that life is worth living much longer to be honest. Why I am here and what my purpose really is I have no idea anymore. Used to be, I had a purpose, a reason for living, a reason for going on, that all changed last year, with the death of my wife.

I lived to take care of her, to make her comfortable, to take care of her. I cooked for her, I cleaned for her, I took her to Doctors and her daughters. I took her where-ever she wished to go, watched her, sat with her. I had a purpose of just being with her, now that she is gone I have nothing left. For 28 years, we went where she wanted, did, what she wanted, and I took care of her as she wanted me to. My biggest fun times were watching television with her, playing games with her, just being with her. Today, I have none of that left to me, I am alone, no matter what anyone may think. I was told more than once by a friend, you can’t live alone, isolated, and not interact with anyone, well I do and it’s not good.

I am not a social animal or person, my opinion of myself is not good and never has been. I have trouble interacting with people in general, I suffer from PTSD from childhood and military days. I get nightmares and i sleep poorly. I basically exist, is all, and I avoid people period. I tend to walk away when I feel not wanted and i never force myself into any situation of social gatherings. I have always been a loner, an outcast and someone who does not fit in. It’s been my way of life I believe.

But as you age, and I am now 66 years old, unhealthy, in pain from back injuries from my time in service, PTSD from childhood and more. How long can I go on, I have no idea but I doubt if it will be long.

I am tired and I think basically I am giving up, each day is a struggle for me to even survive. Now, some believe I am wrong in my assessment of myself, I don’t. I fail at making friends and you can only walk so far, in life alone before you give up and walk no more.

I do not have a high opinion of myself, never have and i guess never will. AT 66 years old that opinion is even worse than ever before in my life. I am old, tired, in pain, I isolate myself, I avoid people and the fact is, I gave up. I know I am not pretty, or handsome, I know I am not the smartest person nor do I have a great sense of humor either. It’s hard for me to go on daily, I have no more motivation, no drive anymore, even my writing days have come to a basic end.

I never was a bar or tavern person, I don’t drink or smoke or do drugs. I have no real hobbies or things that give me enjoyment anymore. I once had children but no more they were taken from me. I was a loner even in the services I was a part of. So my question is simple, why am I here and what am I supposed to be doing? I have no idea anymore.

I have found if I try to go out, I don’t fit in, and it is just a fact. I don’t drink, or smoke or do drugs like I have said. I tried going to taverns and bars and found myself, alone, period, it’s just a fact. I sit in a tavern or bar, I talk to no one, so why be there. So my main question is simple, what am I here for, why am I still alive?

My typical day is coffee, and then reading a book, walking, or watching tv. There is nothing else for me. In the end I dream of and think of ways to dispose of myself. I research methods of suicide, I am depressed day by day and it only worsens for me each day.

So, why am I still here? I do not know anymore! In life, I have tried to push forward, yet, there is no reason to anymore. So, how long before, my life ends I do not know, but, like i have told others it won’t be much longer, it can’t be much longer. Life is interaction, people, things to do, I have none of it. So, when someone looks at me and goes oh stop talking that way, I smile and laugh at them and say nothing. I am old, tired, and have more medical problems than most who have lived before me. So, the pain, the loneliness, will kill me, it has to, it is fate is it not?

Reading a book, writing, building puzzles and walking is not, a life! I go through the motions is all, and that is not living to me. So what do I do next, I know I have been told by Doctors, who ask me each time I see them, are you suicidal, do you think of killing yourself, of course I would never I say. I lie, I don’t want pills, or to be locked away in an institution or hospital. I take pills daily, for all kinds of problems that are physical, diabetes, blood pressure, heart, pain from my back and neck. It’s like an endless cycle of swallowing pills, day after day, night after night. Take this for that, this to sleep, this to keep your blood pressure down, this to stop your sugars or A1C from rising, it’s crazy. I know many who have committed suicide before me, and I used to think why would they do that? Now I know why one would do that, it is obvious to me, for loneliness, isolation, leads to depression, and that is deadly my friends and I suffer through it daily. No matter how much of a good fake face I put on daily.

Many years ago, I remember a phrase, that was actually a book title, it was Death Be Not Proud, it applied to a story about someone who died unnecessarily. Yet I think it more appropriately applies to people like myself, who know the end of their lives is close.

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