17 September 2022

Time, in life we can’t control, just as we can not control the weather. Mankind is limited by what we can control, by the environment and and the fact the human race is limited in it’s abilities. Some things we can control, our emotions, our thoughts or lack of them, our abilities to do things physically or mentally. Even those abilities are limited my friends as is the chemical balance in our bodies and minds.

We depend on one another as a society and as a race, and at times we fail to understand that fully. I know what I am saying will bother many people, yet in the end you can’t, deny truths and facts, can you? We are limited in the amount of time we spend on this planet and the number of people we interact with and how we do so. I have had a full life in many ways, yet, I now know, I have missed too much and lost too much over time, and the things and people i have lost, cause me great concern and make me depressed. I have seen too many disappear from my life, unintentionally and by death. Sadly, I can’t, change or bring them back in any way, or even change how or why it all happened. We are forced by the world we live in and the circumstances we have to deal with what happens and move on, there is no getting them back, or changing what bad decisions we have made in life. Fate, destiny, human nature, environment, circumstances, decisions all play into how our lives go and how long we live. Does mankind as a race understand that fully? I doubt it!

I am not a scientist, Doctor, or expert in any field out there, nor am I more than a mortal man, who has lived a every day life. I have walked, talked, ran, jumped, played and worked just like all have. I am no different than anyone else man or woman, I have had victories, disappointments, joy, sadness just like all who live. Is there any doubt I am telling the truth so far, no, I do not believe anyone would say that about me. Those who know me and have known me in my life understand I do not have a reason to lie or to fabricate facts. I never have, some have even said I am far too honest and straight about things in my life. I have my failures though and many things I wish I could have changed, but couldn’t due to the facts involved and the fact I had no say in them.

At this time in my life at 66 years old, I find myself in a depressive state, and alone in life. I am not an out going person, I am not an extrovert, nor do I party. I do not drink, nor do I smoke at all or do drugs. I live alone as I said, and I have tried to enjoy the community I currently live in, yet, I am not really accepted here, except for at certain times. I don’t do bars or taverns, I am not a karaoke singer, or entertainer of any kind either. I read books, I write, I play on computers, but I do not go meet anyone in person. I isolate, scared of people and yes I do not have a very high opinion of myself at all. I fear rejection, non acceptance, and in the end people, I find them cruel, indifferent and non-caring. It’s just a fact and I have no idea how I ever lived this long.

Regrets yes, I have many, but they were not mistakes I made on my own or that I was responsible for. I had no control over many things, that is for sure. I didn’t ask to be born into the family I was born into or raised the way I was. I didn’t ask for medical problems that occurred for me as a child or as an adult either. Circumstances can not be controlled by us, and those are what bring me to where I am currently.

My regrets are many as are my disappointments, just like many others out there I am sure. We all have them and they are easy enough to live with if we try. I know that and yes I adjust for them and deal with them as I go along. It doesn’t mean I like them, or accept them or wanted them to happen, it just means I got hit with them, dealt with them in the only way I knew how and here I be.

Life is not easy for all of us, I was not born with a silver spoon or money, nor was I blessed with ease or comfort. Rich is not something I know or understand, nor would i know what to do with, really. I live day by day, on only what I have. Do you? That is called circumstance, fate, destiny, and we do not have control of it, do we?

I was never a fully accepted child by my mother, I actually believe she hated me. We fought from the day I was born until I turned 18 years old. I fought, with my elder brother also in the same way. My step-father beat us and I got the worse of it for sure. Yet in the end it was myself, who helped him rebuild the house we lived in, babysat my younger siblings and took care of them, until I left. So I served my family in that way, for most of my childhood and teen years.

When I got to 18 I made a trip on my own to meet my real father in another state. This angered my mother more, yet in the end, it needed to be done. I was told, all bad, about the man, but what I found was the opposite of all my mother told me. How bad can a man be, who, had seven more children, a home and a job he worked each day and supported it all his life till he died? He wasn’t bad, it was all just anger mom had due to the divorce.

Once i did that I basically, joined the service and moved on in life. Yes i served my country in three different branches. I started in The Army, then the Army National Guard, and then finally, the U.S. Navy when I finished, I had served a total of 16 years and had six herniated discs in my spine. During those years, I married, and had two daughters and a wife, I had two of everything, until, I was Discharged Honorably under Medical Conditions. Then, it started to go downhill for me. I lost my home, my wife and my daughters all within less than six months from my date of discharge. Now, it wasn’t my fault the marriage ended yet I was blamed and my daughters were told I was awful, I abandoned them and they ended up calling me a sperm donor.

The mental anguish from that loss has never left me, even though many years later I fought back against it. Yet, it did not turn out 100 percent the way I wished it would have. I can’t change it, so I accept it and live daily with all of it. That first marriage lasted 12 years folks.

Now I went on in life alone for two years on my own wandering the streets and trying hard to put my life back together. Ultimately, I found a woman who accepted me for who I am and we moved in together. After 7 years together we married and that marriage lasted me 28 years, ending last year in her dying of cancer, approximately 13 months ago. Her cancer was with her and we fought it for 16 years constantly, with me myself, getting lung cancer and surviving it in the middle. My wife is gone now and I miss her dearly and will forever more, I will always love her.

Today, I am 66 years old, and the loneliness gets me. I get depressed, I get sad, I feel lost and struggling to go on. Honestly speaking I have no reason to go on now. I am old, I am handicapped, I have problems mentally, and physically and I wonder what the hell I am here for anymore. I live in a 956 Square foot condo on my own and I know no one around me period. I try to associate with others and participate with events they hold here but, I end up staying home alone, staring at a tv, building puzzles and reading books. There is no place around me that I know anymore, for I live in an area that was built for 55 and older and the town is quiet. I am isolated in my opinion, there is nothing for me to do anymore.

Do I think my life is coming to an end soon, yes. I have nothing to really live for, I don’t have fun anywhere with anyone nor do I know anyone really. The loneliness and in-activeness alone will drive me stir crazy the way it is right now. I know I can’t live too much longer the way I am. For me I know the end is near, when all I do is walk, read, build puzzles and nothing more. How long can you talk to yourself and survive? Tell me please!

I turn on the television and all is violence and politics and anger. I can’t stare at that forever. I walk three miles a day when I can, I buy books when I shop for food. Puzzles I buy and build, but, honestly folks, no matter how I try to interact with others, I feel I do not belong. So when that happens I walk away and stay alone more.

I have been asked by Doctors for my PTSD treatments if I think of suicide and yes I do, at least twice a day. So I end up on medications they give me so I can sleep and then they give me pills to help with my attitude and I don’t take them, I take enough pills as it is, plus the thought of taking pills to mess with my brain and emotional state just turns me off. I more than likely should take them, they may help me, but I am scared to. I take pills for too many things these days, blood pressure, sugar, heart. and to sleep, I am beginning to feel like a pill popping fool. So, I ask how far am I from suicide, not far at all unless something changes for me.

It is now, September 17th, 2022, my wife passed August 10th, 2021. So my question is how long can I go on without her and for what reason do I want to? Unless I can find a reason to keep going and a way to do so, my depressive state will get me ultimately, like it has many before me. Time shall tell for sure folks, I walk like a cripple, I have problems standing, so in the end I am sure at some point I will go down in my condo and that is where they will find me one day.

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