Thoughts, in Holiday Season for me!

December 16th has arrived! 2022 is passing quickly and it seems to me, I am more alone than ever before in my life. With the passing of my wife over 16 months ago, I find myself wondering what to do next. Boredom can be the biggest killer for me, and I hesitate to talk to women, for I do not wnat to hurt anyone in anyway, by comparing them to my wife who died.

It is Christmas Holiday Season, and I am alone so it is depressing to me. But the Holiday is not what depresses me, it is knowing I have no one to share it with, or to be with at all. While I have lived alone before in my life, I know being alone is not good for me, my soul and who I am as a person. Yet, I fear, rejection, I fear senial, I fear not being wanted, and I know, I am not the most loveable person. So when youhave fears, and you isolate yourself you lose out and it drives you deeper into isolation and ultimately, depression can get to you. So I fight it an dtry to carry on daily, it is what I do.

Others are preparing to visit family, and friends, so they are busy all around me. They rush to shop, or to be with family, friends and i stand by and watch it all happen. My wife died, my parents are gone, the only one I have left is a sister and she has her life to live. So, whenyou have npo one like i do, you wander, you walk, and you just try to keep the mind busy and hope is all that keeps you going.

I have no decorations, I have no p;lans you see, I have only myself, to supply for and keep going. The Christmas Lites just bring back memories of past times, and they make me smile for a moment and then the smile fades, for I know at 66 years old, there will be no more smiling days. My life is and has always been a lonely one, even though I have been married twice, Don’t ask me how they happened, because to be honest I never learned to flirt, not once in my life. Other men know how to flirt and how to find someone tpo be with, I do not. Never did, I just wander and roam and carry-on all alone. What my purpose is in life i have yet to figure out, but here I am still alive, only the good Lord knows why.

I write blogs, I sometimes write stories if I have the motivation to now a days, or poems if I get inspired by a feeling or someone or something I see. MY life is cleaning my condo, doing my laundry, watchingtv, playing X-nox, reading a book,walking, and twice a week I go out. I play pool one nite and bowl another and then return to my cave, like a bear, and hide till the next time. I see my Doctors when I have appointments of course, for medically and dental wise i need help and repairs, lol,

In the meantime the world rushes by and I hold stillalone in my own place in it. Maybe it is just my fate or my destiny I do not know anymore. I know I have done all I could for my family growing up, my friends in my teen years and early 20s, I did all I could for my first wife and my two daughgters, till they turned on me for some reason. Then, they were gone too. I have no contact with my daughters, my grandchildren in anyway and they know nothing of me. So, in a way, in my first marriage I had two of everything, then it all went bye, bye, after 12 years.

My second marriage, lasted 28 years, and it ended in her passing from long cancer battle that I walked and helped her through over 16 years of our 28n together. Now that she is gone so is her family, I became a part of, and the home we shared is gone, I sold it all, because i could not live in it, after she was gone. So, I bought a condo for myself, I write blogs, I write poetry and short stories, I chat on the internet when I can, I watch tv, play x-box, read a book, build puzzles, if I can keep my attention on them and walk whenever I can. But, I am missing the connection, sommunication, companionship I had with my wife. The support, the caring, knowing there is that one person you can say anything you want to and know they will respond in a helpful way and give you advise. Certain things in relationships i miss, the trust, the honesty, the input, the togetherness, the physical closeness. I doubt there is anyone out there who will want a 66 year old man, so I stay alone. Self doubt gets me, and I hesitate and just go on alone.

I try to deal with the facts in life always and just accept life as it goes along. It is what a person does, in my mind. I accept the fact I am alone, I accept the fact I have my imperfections, and difficulties, as well as physical and mental ones, and I handle them without harming other or bothering others. I don’t drinlfolks, Idon’t smoke, or do drugs, so no, can’t blame any addictions for anything that happens to me. I blame myself for how I am, for i spent my life so far this way, I am like the lone wolf of the world who roams, and roams, and deals for himself, till at sometime i run into a pack, spend sometime with that pack and then move on alone again. Is it wrong to be that way, I know not, I just know as a jud i wa sthe same and it never left me. I run alone, and only slow down, when I know I am safe or comfortable.

Lone Wolfs do the same in the woods, the reason they do so, is they instinctly know, if they stay in a pack too long the pack turns on them. I have been told in the past, I am not competitive enough and i don’t play to win. There is a reason for that, for when I concentrate and actually compete I win, andit turns people off when all you do is win. They get upset, they get angry, so to avoid making people angry or upset I just play for fun. Lone Wolves do the same thing, in packs, I do not want to ne the leade rof the pack and compete all the time or fight always. There has to be a peaceful way to survive and rhat is all I have always seeked. To exist and survive in a world where I have no choice, but to survive, is all I want to do in peace, is it wrong, I doubt it. I am of the oldopinion, live an dlet live and mind your own, old school the way I was raised.

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