December 20th, 2022/ Journal

December 20th, 2022 has arrived now. The weather outside is cold and dry, the winds if you walk will put tears in your eyes. It’s now been over 16 months since I lost my wife to cancer and each day and night is a struggle for me. I find myself walking everyday and avoiding others, and not sleeping at night much, only 3 to 4 hour stretxhes at a time. I end up talking to myself or to the pictures uf my wife, I know it’s not normal or right, but the loneliness eats me up inside.

Tis the Holiday Season that has begun now, christmas lights are up all around and people smile and are happy. But, for me, I may talk, I may laugh, around them/ when I see or walk by them, yet inside I am not right, my heart is not in living right now. I stay alone except for two days a week, one night I play pool, the next night I go out and bowl. Every other day or night is the same, walk, walk, walk, play video games, build a puzzle and read. or watch television. The only changes in that schedule is for dental work, and for Doctors visits. It’s a long boring life that is slowly wearing me down, to a point of depression and sadness I can not escape at times.

As, the year slowly rolls towards Christmas Day and the New Year is not far behind, I wonder to myself, what shall become of me. I watch the people around me come and go and they smile each day, it seems it is so. I hear them laugh and talk to each other, and watch them interact and then go why bother. I know I am not the handsome one, and my humor at times is off and taken wrong by some. I know I don’t always fit in, so I avoid people.

Now recently, I was walking again and said hello to my neighbor. I asked what she was doing and she was setting up a party, for an event for a group. I was like another party huh, so she said and I quote, You have a negative pronlem, I laughed and walked away. As I walked I began to think she may be right. I have a negative outlook on myself, so it affects all around me and all I do or say, so I try to say less. And I stay more to myself, it is a vicious cycle for sure. But that is what ends life for many of us isn’t it, it’s the beggining of the downward spiral to our own ending and death. I don’t wish to anger or upset anyone around me, or drag them down with me, so I choose avoidence.

Life, I had life and lost it when my wife died. I lost and am not sure if I can ever recover again, I doubt it. I am scared actually of getting involved with any woman period. On one hand, as a man I have a need for companionship from a woman, on the other hand, I deem myself ugly, old and know they don’t want me. It is like a see saw battle between wanting and knowing you can’t have what you want. Why, some will say, simple. I really don’t approve of myself and think lowly of myself, and i am afraid women don’t like me. So, I avoid them as much as I can.

I really shouldn’t complain though, for I had two marriages, how I did that even I don’t know. The first was a 12 year one, and yes we had two of everything. Two cars, two kids, and nice homes. It ended not due to me, so I had no choice but to leave it behind and move on. The second marriage lasted 28 years and we had it all. Again it ended, but this time, it was cancer that took her from me. We spent the last 16 years fighting her cancer and my own, in the end she lost her fight and I survived. I guess, I am left here alone for some reason and the good Lord has not informed me or shown me what it is for that I am here.

The silence in my life, drives me crazy, the holidays are now here once more. I am slowly, pulling back and hiding away in my condo, more each day. I am not buying people presents, nor am I going to parties or celebrations of any kind, I can’t handle big crowds, I avoid them. Others get together and mingle and chat, and laugh, I end up alone and end up walking home and away from it all. I get the distinct feeling I don’t belong and that I do not fit in here, or anywhere anymore. I am like a old shoe, you find in your closet years later and no matter where you look you can’t find the matching one.

I have tried online dating sites and match sites, doesn’t work for me, I guess for I am getting no where with them So, I surrender and give up on them one by one is all. I walk more, and mind my own, admiring some I walk by, but never saying a word. I smile at them some smile back, and I never talk to them, or they to me. It’s like there is an invisinle barrier between their world and mine, I can see through it, i can’t reach it anymore, because i fear attempting to, I fear rhe rejection that will happen is all.

Anyway, there is no reason to keep going over the same problem now. I am stuck in an endless trap in my mind, my heart and my soul. It is what is happening to me. As I told someone, I never learned to flirt with women at all, even though I was married twice. I am uneasy and uncomfortable trying to. 66 years old is not the age to be learning how to, is it? I smile at the ladies, I wave at them as they go by, and I carryon and thats my life now. Like from a distance, don’t touch, don’t hurt anyone or get hurt by anyone. So, I shall as I told my sister and others, ultimately, more than likely die alone in my condo I bought here in Westboro, Ma. At least I have my own 956 Sq. Feet to do that in.

I turn on the news and the world is angry, it’s sad, it’s depressing. Wars, people dying who are famous, political turmoil is all around, and bad people, hurt others. I tire of it all really, and to be honest, no matter how I look to the outside world and those who see me, inside I am slowly ebbing away in loneliness. I am sure, as I told someone before, I will be lucky if I make another five to ten years . Time shall tell if I am right.

So all I can do, is go on day by say, struggle through and muddle through too. Some believe life is a fun time, some believe they are blessed and i don’t blame them. For me though, life nowis more like a course I am living out, because i have no choice. I hope that makes sense.

I have been upnow since 3 am, sleep is escapes meonce more. The silence here bears on my heart and my mind and soul. My mind just races over the past and memories is all I have to carry on with now. I am at least rhankful for those and rely on them as i go forward trying to fit in.

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