Whats Next for Me?

Welcome to Febuary 2023 the 19th. It is much like any other day at 6;26 am, still partial darkness as the sun looks for a way to start the new day. people are sleeping still and I am awake once more. Sleeping is just something I do whenever it hits me to do now a days. I love alone in isolation, even in a 55 plus community here. Maybe I madea mistake coming here after my wife died, but the choice was made by me so I must love with it, in my 956 square foot condo. Yes I have all I need to survive, except company and companionship which my wife provided me till she passed.

Now, i am not asking for mercy or pity from anyone, but I can not help but say when you are 67 like i am, it is not possible to find a lover, or friend of the opposite sex. It’s just a fact of nature and humanity I think, all of us seem to end up alone don’t we? Humanity folks, can not exist in isolation or by themselves, we need one another to survive and prosper. I keep trying to find someone to share my remaining years with, but, it does not seem fated for me.

I have lived a full life so far,I struggled the first nine months of my life with seizures, that stopped when I was dropped on my head. Long story. Then as i grew up I became an outcast from other kids and not accepted because i had ADHD and Hyperactivity. As i grew up I would spend hours and days alone wandering the woods and neighnorhoods of my childhood. All through my childhood I wa stold how bad I was, how hard i was to get along with and how i wasn’t a normal child. Wasn’t my fault, but hey I couldn’t change it then, it was all medically induced.

At about 12 years old before I finished Elementary School, things changed for me, I began to accept I would never fit in and just did what I thought was right, within the normal bounds of the law and society norms. By fourteen years old I was more normal in actions and reactions and my mind and body became more in sync for me. Yet, as close to normal as I was by then, othere factors would affect me, as I grew. Physically I am nopt a big man, never have been only 5 feet eight full grown now and I have gone anyhere from 150 lbs. ytp 230 and back down now to around 180 lbs. An average man, most of my life I was always restless.

As I went through my fourteeth year, I began to norice the opposite sex and that became a problem for me. I became distracted by females, and had no idea how to handle them. I found some I really liked of course and I knew they would never like me , so I would not and did not know how to act. I felt socially unadept around the female species as a fourteen year old, clumsy and awkward and I always thought, I never wasa handsome guy. So, I would stay away as much as I can.

By 15, I found myself attracted to a girl slightly olde rthan I and that led to my teenage years of trouble. As much as i like the girl in question I also knew she was bad for me and i for her. So by the time we drifted apart, her younger sister decided to come after me, While I will always appreciate the two years I spent with her, and even my first sexual experiences with her, I knew she and i were not meant for long term. I dinally figured out by 17 that high school was something I would never complete, so I dropped out and went to work in a factory for a few years. When that fell through and ended, due to my attention deficiet disorder, I knew I woul dhave to make some kind of choice soon.

I actually, had to make a choice, so I ended up, examining who and what I was by walkiing the streets of my hometown at the time and looking for things to do. I was constantly bored and moving, I lived in othe r people’s homes more than my own with my parents. I spent most of my teen years this way. But, I looked at the girlfriend I had at the time an dtold her, I was leaving and joining the military. And one day I walked into a Recruiting office and joined, after I got my GED Diploma.

While the Military supplies discipline and structure, the Army wa snot for me and I could not function properly, so I was given a trainiee discharge unde rhonorable conditions, I came home to try to start over again. I live din the town YMCA for a few years. While there i ended uo joiningt he National Guard and serving there for a few years, as i bounced from job to job. I knoew I had to do something a sthe economy was dying around me and i was barely surviving as I worked helping a resturant out. I knew i had to find something and needed more.

I decided to renter he Military, but shied away from the Army, and joined the U.S. Navy, where i found structure, discipline and a education in a trade so to say. I became a Boiler Technichan for 16 years total I served my country in three branches of service until in an accident I was injuried and forced to a Medical under Honorbale Discharge due to disabilities. I fought to stay in for seven years after injuried but lost. During my time in the Navy I married for the first time, and had two of everything, including children. Yet when my discharge happened my marriage also failed, the income was gone. Times were changing and I became adrift once my first wife asked for a divorce, so I came home once more. I was searching for help, and searching for my footing onc emore when first my dad died, then my step-father an dmy mother during the time period. It was big lesson in humanitya nd it’s limits for me, I wa snow alone and drifting again.

Back to basics I went and found a small apartment and with help of some friends I settled in. I would find a new woman in my life when I decided I was tired of being alone. I decided it wa stime to get out and see people again. I went to Single’s dances, looking for something to do. I met my secomnd wife there, and she became the center of my life. I tried working again and couldn’t so I ended up back in school at 40 years p;d graduating from College. I havea degree in Hotel Management, I erned, along with Awards and being a member of three honor societies. Yet, I wa sstill unsettled and restless and I guess i shall always be. I ran hotels for a bit and then basically quit due to boredom and not fitting in.

I did odd jobs for a year or so and found my back injuries interfeared and couldn’t work anymore, so I fought for disability and won after a seven year span. Been disabiled since now. so life went on. My wife and I were constantly together, and we staye dthat way living off of what we could do. She worked, and I puttered and took care of home. In the end our marriage would last 28 years, and we had a beautiful life an dhome. Each year we invited family for Thanksgivings we cooked together, we went to plays and shows, and walked/ When she was diagnoised with breast cancer I stood by her, when I got lung cancer during the same time we supported one another. We never gave up. I sat through her chemo, radiations, Doctors appointments and I hospiced her in the end till she passed. She sat through my 16 hour lung cancer operation and prayed I would survive, even thinking I wouldn’t, but I did. Life has hit me with more curveballs then any baseball pitcher has thrown in his lifetime. Yet I continued on, even after my wife died and I buried her. Her gravestone has my name on it and I will be buried with er when I pass.

But Life has slowly moved on now, it is now over 19 months since she passed on me, I had to sell all we had, the home belongings and more and move on. I moved to be closer to my sister who is 9 years my junior, but, that didn’t last long, for we all have our own lives to live don’t we. She needs a life of her own and I decided to move intoa 55 plus condo community to try to stay close to her. Yet that, didn’t go as planned either as she moved on to anothe rlover and life and i endeded up alone in my 956 square foot condo alone.

Life alone is a struggle, why, well health, loneliness, isolation all factor in. When you lose someone you loved for so long to cancer or illness you miss them, No two people are the same, and you are slow to heal and decide to move on It doesn’t help when your in your sixities and know no one around you. Fears creep in, like i am old, and ugly an dno one will want me I don’t know my area so Is truggle to find things to do and meet people. I have taken up bowling once a week for company, and playing billards too. I walk miles a day for execise and pray I meet someone for company and companionship, but no luck. At some point you come to accept, that the destinies and fates are not yours to control anymore, and accept you may never find someone to share the final years with. So, you putter, you read, you build puzzles, you walk, you watch televison and movies, and look for places to go do things. In the end, you learn you can only do so much to keep going and begin to accept you are doing all you can. So, time moves ata snail pace each day, the aches and pains of old age set in and even if your mental abilities are fully intact you understand the limits of senior living. So you pay your life insurance and you hang on. for that is all that is left, is it not?

Aging is no fun as I am sure anyone will tell you, including ex_presidents like Jimmy Cater who is now in hospice at home. We all fac eour own mortality at some point and begin to wonder whay we are still here. We have no choice unless we decide to end it on our own, but our faith tells us not to. I have seen too many take their own life. I am tired. So what is next for me, at 67 years old? I know not but I shall putter on a bit more I guess.

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