Looking towards the ending phase!

March 18th, is rollong by and it seems that, I am doing ok physically, but, to be honest mentally I don’t know anymore. When you live alone it is hard to judge how well you are doing mentally or emotionally, but you can feel mood swings and ups and downs. The biggest fear is depression from loneliness. You end up staring at a tv or walking a lot like I am already doing, these days. One gets depressed and lonely, then tries different things to keep going, like I am these days, I walk alot, I watch television and movies, I try to read some, and play video games and chat online, if i can.

I have taken up bowling once a week, and play billards too once a week. Other than that it is Doctors at the Veteran’s Hospital when needed for appointments. I am growing older and in the end not enjoying old age as I would like too. So I decided to give it a try to learning to play guitar on my own so I bought one. I am waiting on picks, then, I shall use either GarageBand on my mac computer or utube to try to learn to play. I do have a great like and love of folks and lite rock music and country. I hope to be able to play some at least, if I stick with it. It is an experiment at taking up a hobby at a late age, hopefully it will keep me going some.

I have never been a big joiner, or a big follower in my life, I was never and will probally never be a loveable character. I have never been a ladies man, or as my sister calls them a stud either. Basically I can count the women I have been intimate with, on one hand in my whole life. When I bowl or play pool or I am out, I talk to very few women, and i shy away from them mostly. I have never considered myself a ladies man of any kind and to be honest, I always have thought of myself as ugly enough to scare women away. I know it sounds funny to those that know me, but the facts are just what I say.

In my life, I have had two of just about everything it seems. I had two marriages, the first lasted 12 years and ended not due to anything I did, but because of what my first wife’s father did. The second marriage went 21 years and with 7 together ahead of the marriage as a relationship it went 28 years total. It ended when my second wife, whom I miss dearly died of cancer in August of 2021. Since i have struggled to survive alone on my own. I have had help from my sister, but mostly I have been lonely and lost.

I did move into a 55 plus condo, among others in my age range. Yet I am still a loner and alone 99 percent of the time. I see people as I come and go, but, I tend to stay alone, why simple, dating a woman here would be a major mistake I believe. Why, because women talk, a man messes up once with one woman here and the word will spread from condo to condo among them, and you end up an outcast, then. So I refuse to ask anyone here out. Due to that, I am more alone, than, ever before in my life.

I also do not understand the new woke movement bullshit, nor the new way of dating over the internet like Bumble, Zoosk, Our Time and such. There are no single’s dances for people 55 and up around here in Westboro, Mass area. So, lonely is probally how I shall die and pass from this planet. I have told my sister when she stayed with me and since, that more than likely they will find me dead here in my condo. I have no doubt I am being truthful and honest about that. It is just a fact, I am beggining to face fully now myself.

So now, I shall keep going on untill my time comes, one day at a time, building puzzles, reading books, walking, bowling, playing billards and just trying to survive. Life has been ok for me, but I have never been the lucky guy so to say. Many men have pick-up lines they use, or ways to flirt I never have. I never learned to flirt, even though I have been married twice, funny how that is, isn’t it. It seems that I have had two of almost everything there is in life, is that all there is left for me, I do not know for sure, but I can just live it. I have seen others who have had their lives come to their ending and i imtend to go out, not in shame. I have been many things in my lifetime. a boy, a violin player, a runner,an explorer, a friend to many,a soilder, a sailor and I ende dup a college graduate with honor at 40 years old. I have been a father, a husband and a grandfather too. Now I am a bachelor/widower at 67 years old, and slowly life is dwindling down for me. Am I sad due to it, not really, do I accept the facts yes, but no one surrenders, unless they committ suicide. I have seen two people I know who have down so, both with gun shots, I do not think that is for me. So, I shall try to go on as long as I can. But for all of us, we all face the closing or ending phase at some point I shall do so bravely, and honorably, just as i served my country for 16 years.

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