Have you ever wondered what death is really like? I know i have many times in my life, when I was beat sensless as a child, when I was hungry because I ran away from home as a child, when I was institutionalized as a 10 year old. Those are a few of the times when I thought about what death really means. I thought of it many times since too and I am going on 66 years old now. Have you?

I wondered what death was like as I sat, on board a Navy Ship serving my country a few times, I thought about it when I was going through my divorce from my first wife and the loss of my daughters to her. I thought about death so many times I sometimes wonder why I am still here and alive these days.

I came close to death a few times in my life unknown to many of course. Yet I survived and am still here going on 66 years old in two weeks. Listen when I my wife died last year I wanted to commit suicide and almost did. It isnt easy folks, to live a life like I have had. Yet, I survive because i have refused to surrender in many ways. I almost lost my life to lung cancer yet I am still here today. I am still here after seeing and witnessing, my grandfather dying of cancer, my father, my step-father and my mother too and my second wife. Each time I wondered should I join them, what right do I have in being here today?

Illnesses come and go, and we live on, but cancer really never lets go does it? I know, I have had lung cancer and lost a lobe and a thrid of my right lung to it, and I know each day I live is really pure luck that the cancer has not returned. Yet I also know it can anytime on any given day or night. It is a fact in life once you get cancer you live with it, everyday and hope it doesn’t return.

Recently I recieved a letter saying I have two nodules in my right lung that are sitting there. I was told not to panic and not to worry, so I try not to. Then, I have been hit by jolts in my body, my whole body jumps and recently, I had a jolt in the back of my head. Now is it cancer I do not know, do I want to know if it is, not really. As it goes now at 65, going on 66, without my wife who died in August of 2021, I really have no idea, really!

There was a time when I was full of life, happy and content, I had a beautiful life and wife and home for 28 years. Now it is all gone just as my wife is gone. It’s painful, and lonely trying to find my way to do anything these days. I lost my get up and go and any motivation really, I dont care much about what happens to me anymore.

My head hurts these days, and it pulses at times on me. So, I have no idea what is wrong or what happened, but, I say nothing to anyone about it these days. I go one day at a time and hope to awake each day or morning. I know few reasons to stay alive right now, it is how I feel these days.

My struggles with thinking about death began many decades ago when I was a teenager. I found a way to stay busy, and did all I could for others all my life. It is what made me, me.

Once you run out of motivation or reasons or things you want to do anymore, you lose the drive to stay alive. It’s a basic fact folks. So as all of this goes through my mind, I wonder what is death really like? Is there pain when you die, do you feel it when you pass, do we just cease to exist, or is there an afterlife and a heaven or hell or anything on the otherside? I don’t know for sure, but I do know, so many people i knew in my life are now on the otherside and I am still here, struggling through. Is it darkness on the other side and where does our spirit really go, do we fade from existance and like a light bulb burn out? Whats the answer folks does anyone really know?

I remember a book written long ago, the title I remember was Death Be Not Proud, at least thats the title I remember. I never read the book of course but the title stuck in my head and still does today. Why, because no one knows if the title means anything or not. Death comes to all of us I know, and in the end we are remembered not for what we own, or what we have material wise, we are only remembered by those who knew us and they remember us for how we treated them period. We never know once we are gone if we are remembered or missed do we, how can we? So, is death a light flickering out and never coming back and do our souls wander endlessly or do we end up some place like heaven or hell? Will we ever know? I doubt it.

January 11th, 2022, I am shortly going to enter my 66th year on this planet. Unbelievable to me really, for I honestly never thought I would get past 40. Yet here I am and still kicking, struggling to survive and trying to find a way to move on from my wife’s passing. We all suffer loses folks, and losing my wife was a large one for me. Just saying. I have good days and bad days too, now and I know no matter what I must carry on, for I am still here.

Enough on that subject for now, doesn’t help to keep reviewing and going over the whole thing again and again. Now, I must sell the home we had in Connecticut and move on as soon as possible to a new location and home here in Massachuetts, where i am currently staying. I need a decent place to live in a 55 plus community, I can afford and be comfortable in, alone. I have looked at condos, I have looked at manufactured homes also. At this time all depends on what I can get for the house in Connecticut and how soon it shall sell. I am lowering the price tag on it already here in January of 2022, no choice really under the current market.

Next, subject bill payments must be made for electric and oil to the old house to keep it going for sale. Then my car payments and other items come up. I will pay on all of them of course and keep myself alive for future endeavers and living.

I have many interersts as far as the future go, finding a decent 55 plus community that is safe, is one. A place to park my car off street, a full bathroom, a living room, eat in kitchen area and I think two bedrooms would be perfect for me. One Bedroom to sleep in and one for an office. I have been told of single and double wide mobile homes and condos too, the prices are wide these days, so picking what I want will be vital to my future. I am not going to worry about, what someone else thinks I should buy or do at this point, I need to examine all options and save my money as I go along. I do know I have no interest in shoveling or plowing snow period, nor unless I must, I have no interest in cutting or mowing lawns. I am 65 gonna be 66 soon, I did my time doing these things already. I am not interested in doing a lot of maintenance on a home or property.

So now it is time to really start a massive search for a place to live and to decide on what I want where soon enough. I can’t rush anything, but I am willing to sell the home in Connecticut at a fair price for me. Time shall tell how it goes.

I have been asked if I am interested in dating or relationships, right now not really. I lost a wife I loved for 28 years 5 months ago yesterday. It still hurts and I am still grieving her in my own way. Will I ever be looking for a partner/ woman again, I have no idea right now, I do know if I do it will be as a companion first and foremost. Even Widowers get lonely folks, believe me!

What else can I say at this point? Well I am still and will always be a big NFL Fan and the Playoff Season is upon us soon. I watched the Chargers, Raiders game that ended the season and I was amazed and enjoyed it big time. It was not only entertaining, it was a well played contest.

Now entering the Playoff Rounds, it is time to examine the games coming up.

1. Raiders vs Bengals- While I personally favor the Bengals here, this game will be determined by who can run the ball and control the clock. If i am right it will be a close game with the Bengals winning by 3.
2. Patriots vs Bills- Round three begins between two teams who are hungry here. While the Bills won the division, the real question is can Allen for the Bills eliminate turnovers and still move the offense and score. I expect this game to come down to the fourth quarter, since it is in Buffalo, the Bills, by 7.
3. Eagles vs. Buccaneers- in Tampa and at home, the Bucs should win this easily, but, you never know, because the Eagles play is up and down and how will the Playoffs be for either team. Experience goes to Brady and company and i believe so does the defensive side of the ball. I would take Tampa by 10 here.
4. 49ers vs Dallas- This could be an interesting game if the 49ers play will and have no turnovers. San Fran hasa decent lineup on both sides of the ball and can be a physical team. Dallas has offensive and defensive weapons also, but, if I were to pick a upset game this one may be it. I know it is in Dallas, but, 49ers, havea good chance here. I say a very close game here, and I think 49ers.
5. Steelers vs Chiefs- While The Steelers got in by backing in really, the Chiefs are legimate as a team and power in the NFL. Can the Steelers stop Mahomes and his offense, I doubt it. As to Rothesburger and the Pittsburgh Offense they face a very stiff Kanas City Denfense in this game. I don’t expect a blowout in this one, so I would take Kanas City by 10.
6. Cardinals vs Rams- Monday final WIldCard Weekend Game. This may be the best contest of the whole WildCard Playoffs. The Cardinals are for real folks and if they have zero turnovers and get their running game going they stand one hell of a chance against the Rams. Now as to the Rams, whether they win or lose this game will depend on their offense vs the Cardinals defensive unit. My thought here is a very close game determined by a field goal here, and it is areally a toss-up, in my book.

Hows that for WildCard Weekend Predictions folks? Look I am not a Pro, but I do know football and yes upsets can happen and will. So onward into the most crazy and wild Wildcard Weekend we go all! That my friends and blog readers is my predictions in the NFL and a brief review of life as it goes today.

Ever notice certain thing are what people get drawn to, pat attention to or get vocal about? There are many of course for people vary in what they believe in for different reasons. Each of us are raised in different enviroments, by different parents who believed different things correct?

Ok, some of us are taught religion is the way to go, and it doesn’t matter what color skin you have or nationality, it is what you are raised to be. Some shun religion and end up going political and end up either extreme right, or extreme left. Then you have the moderates on each side or progressives of each side too.

We have radicals, we have passifices, we have violent people and joyful people too.So what makes all of us go the ways we do and become who we are, influnences by those we love growing up, and those who raise and protect us daily, mom, dad, grandma,grandpa, etc. Family life is what makes each kid who they are, and eventually who we grow up to be. The enviroment one grows up in and the ones who teach us or abuse us as we grow determine who we become as adults, period.

Some of us fight back against the violence of physical abuse we recieved as children and the verbal and mental abuses too and overcome. Some of us fall to it all and become violent ourselves, or so mentally abused we lose track of what is real, and start l ashing out at others and hurting all around us. Time will only tell us as we grow older what we have become.

I submit that some of the greatest minds, personalities, out there in humankind, fought back and overcame and became beloved, and looked up to because they did so. It is a fact of life, and they should be lauded and celebrated for all they accomplish in life.

For those who have fallen or succumbed to the pressures, mental abuse, physical abuse and verbal abuse, and have not fully recovered or overcome, I suggest, instead of going with the flow you were given, find help and change it. There Are Doctors, Clinics, and much more all the way up to institutions, that can help you overcome. Some believe in medicating, some believe in theraphy sessions and other things. Just let me say this, if you seek help, then you are going the right direction. All of us, need help at some point in our lives, don’t be afraid to seek it and accept it, use it to better yourself and your position in life and move ahead.

I have a belief and many do not get it today in modern world terms, across the globe and in The USA. I happen to believe in Military Service for all. I dont care which sex you are, if you lack the ability to conform, the ability to control yourself, and need discipline and to get educated more and learn how to get along with other join a branch of service. The USA Military Service can save your life and give you direction you may need. PLus you serve your country for a while, you learn to respect others and get along with others at all times, and you learn that all are on an equal basis in the world and it doesn’t matter what your skin color is, your sex or anything else. All get treated the same and all must conform and work together to survive.

Just my belief is all, and what few get is the MIlitary takes care of it’s own also. I did it, andi am proud of my time in service to my country. I served in The Army, Army National Guard and then the US NAVY. I am proud of doing so and always will be, I was injuried aboard a ship due to a fall, but, I will never regret my service ever. I love my country. As one President said, You are not patriotic if you follow a President, You Are Patriotic if you follow your country and fight for it!

January 7th, 2022, Yesterday I had to go to Connecticut, and transfer my funds to a new bank here in Massachuetts. While, there I made a stop by my wife’s grave to speak to her, and to say hello and good-bye for the moment. Everytime I do so I end up standing there and crying over her death and passing. I speak to her as if she was with me while there, through my tears, and find I have to buck myself up to leave and live on. 28 years with her was happy, content time and we supported and helped each other everyday we were together. God Bless her fully and keep her comfortable until I join her. Yes I still grieve her passing, all these months later.

Anyway, January 7th, 2022 has arrived and snow has found us here. It falls in tiny flacks today, and colored the ground and tress in white, making it look like it is a pure new beggining on the planet. We have covid with us of course, as all in the world do, we have an economy slowly recovering in America, jobs are growing slowler than expected also. We seem to be slowly recovering as a nation, even if we would like it to be faster.

Will we ever be able to recover our democracy and republic to what it was before January 6th, 2021? How many hearings andchanges in law and convictions shall it take to straighten out the whole mess it caused. I want to say one thing before people throw their hands up and scrream and shout and attack my blog here, and I say this clear to all- AT NO TIME IN AMERICAN HISTORY HAS AN AMERICAN PRESIDENT, INCITED AN INSURECTION AGAINST HIS OWN COUNTRY AND FORM OF GOVERNMENT WITH THE EXCEPTION OF DONALD J TRUMP!

I know many will try to defend Trump for doing so, because he lost the election to Biden, in a landslide way. He just wanted to hang onto the Power of The Presidency folks period, he didn’t do anything proper with it and accomplished zero while in office. His greed and avarice and his lack of mental brainpower and knowledge mad ehim fail.

That said, I see that the January 6th, Committee is pursuing Trump and his children and his associates fully. I hope to see Donald J. Trump Charged for Inciting the Insurection and more as time goes forward. I hope his childrfen get charged and convicted too. The damage the Trump Administration and Donald J. Trump himself has done to American Democracy and The Republic we live in is such a large amount, we shall be lucky if we recover in 3 Presidential Terms after he is gone.

Some want to blame Biden for a lot Trump is soley responisable for, just stop ok. Biden took onthe Presidency after a man who was acting like a tyrant, a dictator and a fool. It is hard to clean up messes of people who have no idea what they were doing while in charge. Don’t come tell me how Trump built his wall either, thats crap, the border is still open today. The only thing Trump got done folks wa shos tax plan to benefit himself and the rich not you or I. I am watching for the results and what happens in New York to the Trump Organization and in Washington too and legal circles.

Next subject, The NFL’s final weekend of games will be upon us starting tomorrow for the regular season. I am disappointed on certain teams who fell apart this season and i know changes will be coming to many teams, over the offseason for sure. Even if I am fully disappointed in my team I favor and support, it is now apparent they have to reset their whole organization, so no crying in spilled milk for me there.

The Playoffs will start not this weekend but the following since the season was expanded by one game. The WildCard Games will come first guys and gals. Nad once they finish we shall see the better teams hit the playoffs and head toward the next Superbowl. It is a Playfoff and Superbowl time that excited and pleases me to see. I always love playoff NFL Football! Just me folks.

I have NFL Fever this time of year, I follow my Vikings but they are a mess and fail and kill themselves each season. Then, In Baseball I follow The Red Sox of course have all my life. The Boston Celtics I love also and will watch their record and season as they go. I do love sports folks.

Anyway, as my 65th year alive is beggining to come to it’s end, I try to stay positive and move ahead in time and find a new place for myself, I may struggle, I may stumble, but I shall keep going. I am looking forward to finding a new place to live, and to settling in and meeting new people and learning new things. I hope at sometime I can get into a 55 plus community, make new friends and find things to do again. I am praying 2022 will bring hope, and for me happiness and comfort as i move on. Have a Good Day All!

January 3rd, 2022, has arrived and once again, the demise and dismantling of the Minnesota Vikings as football team has become apparent for all to see. Look i have been a die-hard Viking Fan since their early days in the 1960’s, I saw them make the appearances in the Superbowls but never win. I still backed them till today and i was five years old when I started and am 65 now.

Every NFL season, the same happens in Minnesota, they get rated as a possible playoff contender, and they make trades and draft player like other squads do too. The problem is the Vikings, don’t seem to even pay attention to what they really need, instead of what they think they need.

So, lets discuss the current situation in MInnesota now. The Viking spent millions on certain positions, and in the end they got zilch in retrun for their money. Case in point, I don’t care what the numbers say, Quaterback Kirk Cousins is not a superstar who can lead them in tough games to victories they need each year and he is overpaid. He lacks the ability to lead and come up big when needed. They need a Quarterback who can not only throw the ball, but who is also able to manuver and run when needed.

Next Problem in Minnesota Viking land is the current Head Coach sad to say, and i was oringinally a major fan of Mike Zimmer. Yet, his coaching style is lackluster at best, and secondly his decision making at times sucks. His job is to prepare his team to win each and every game they enter, he fails at this, because he uses the same schemes every game they are in and teams know it well.

Third problem in MInnesota, and this is a question for the ownership there, is it ok to bea runner up all the time an dmiss the playoffs each year and show no improvement over the past year? I remind the Owner of the Vikings, the way to being a better football team and winning a Superbowl should be the way you should be heading. Yet, you let things sit and no changes get done at all. I know you spend money on trades to improve the team, but much of it has been a loss foryou in the end. You want to win, pick the right problems to fix. Coach, Quaterback, Cornerbacks are needed. As can be noted by the past in the NFL and Superbowl HIstory shows, it is not a high priced QuarterBack that wins it all.

Every year I watch the Vikings game after game, lose due to the same reasons, an interception, or they give up the long ball for a touchdown.One season they had the highest scoring offense in the league and still couldn’t get to the Superbowl, why because you are not paying attention to the parts of the team you need to win it all. iT’s sad really, and i wil always bea Viking fan, because I am no trader and never would be, but, I do tire of how each year you fall from contention to out of the playoff race period.

I remember teams under Bud Grant, the Purple People Eaters, Playing in the cold, and getting to the playoffs and Superbowl too. AT least under him there was discipline and control of the team. I remember players some forget, Joe Kapp, and many more who gave their all for the purple and gold but were not able to win the Superbowl, but in the 1960s, the Vikings never quit, never gave up and always played hard till the last second of every game, win or lose. What happened to the team pride of that era of Viking’s History I ask?

2022, is here and I spent the night alone last night trying to figure out how I got this damn cold that is almost killing me constantly. I survive of course afater nights of hacking and coughing away for hours at a time. Wasn’t what I had planned on for sure to start the New Year, but at 65 what more can you do when your a widower.

Well New Year I hope a new outlook on life and I am hoping the house gets sold in Connecticut sometime soon. In the meantime i have to do things i have never had to do before, like pay my own bills and struggle through. Life is going to be getting used to doing it all on mine own again, since my wife passed.

Next I need to adjust to a new State in Massachuetts, that I am living in and keep searching for my own place to live now. I have to bring all my finances to Mass next so it will mean, setting up accounts in a bank up here, then transferring my deposits I get up here and then transfer all my funds.

Then I have set up all new payments for the bills i will have up here and still pay the ones down there till the house is sold. It gets confusing believe me. I just hope i can handle it all on my own. I just want a life of my own, but, I want to not be a burden for anyone, till I die.

Anyway 2022 is now underway I am hoping fora better life and an easier one, but time will tell. Moving to Mass up here will be something I have already started to do, MY only quwation is what do I wish to live in a condo or a mobile home. If I do the condo, it will defintely cost a lot more for the proces up here are not cheap on anything. If I do a Mobile Home then I need to come up with the down payment and get loan for the remainder somewhere.

I know no matter what I do, I will not be able to be as close to my sister as i was in Connecticut, She lives in a beautiful town in a big old house with a swimming pool and more, and has plenty of friends around her. Myself on the other hand really have no one I know up here, that I can rely on, for anything. So living alone will be rough experience and i hope I can handleit emotionally and mentally. I always had my wife for 28 years, now I have no one really, so time shall tell how long I can last alone now in an unfamiliar area.

Well, 2022 I hope will be a better year for me than the last one was. Hopefully once I settle in, I wil be looking for things to do pf course and hopefully be meeting others. I just hope I will be ok.

Anyway, I know I must now get the process fully underway in all areas. I just hope and pray I can do this and live on my own and not burden anyone at all. Time shall tell.