Well for the first time on Labor Day, I am without my wife in 28 years. I miss her deeply, but have learned over the past three weeks or so that, cancer kills and she fought a long good fight with it.

She fought in every way she could and in the end, I had to do what was right by her. She entered Hospice on July 29th and died on August 10th. I washed her, fed her, talked to her, and kept her company each day I could. I never left her alone for long, and in the end I felt like I was guilty for taking her through hospice and giving her comfort meds. So, In the end I held on as long as I could holding myself together. I was very lucky to have a sister with me to help me through it all, she stayed after she came. Without my sister I would not be here today in my mind, she made life possible for me and stopped me from joining my wife.

, I now have a big house to empty, and sell and in the end I must only keep what i need for a single Bedroom apartment. Where will I live well ,I am not certain yet. I am currently indecisive really, I can stay in the area of the house or move to anywhere ,I want now. The only real family I have now as a widower is my sister, and she and her man have been great to me.

Grieving is a process I am learning and each step is rough and not easy to go through. One day at a time I keep thinking and doing. I can’t keep answering questions from her relatives as to what is next because iI don’t know yet. The house is huge and filled of her stuff ,end to end and mine also. I know in the end I have to give it away or sell it all, and the house must go. I can’t stand being in it for long periods, it drives me into depression at times and I end up talking to myself.

When you are married for 28 years and someone is constantly there, you are used to their presence, there chatter, their words and actions. Then suddenly they are gone, so what do you do?

I found myself in a shape I didn’t want to be in and I realized,I may hurt myself or commit suicide. I found a chat site online that helped me to realize ,I needed help one day ,and listened to those there. They recommended I seek help for they could tell I was in trouble. So they recommended I call someone or get some help. I called the Veteran’s Crisis Line and help was there. Lucky for me, they talked me into going tyo the Veteran’s Hospital for help.’

I got help it was ten days worth. I thank God and The Veteran’s Administration for their help. I went through hell for 16 years of a battle with cancer fro her, I loved her deeply. As time goes on now I still tear up at the thought of her being gone. Daily it gets me, but as a Doctor told me and many others I did all I could for her as her husband and I have nothing to feel bad or guilty about. I did all I could and there was nothing more one can do in the end for a cancer patient who is dying. I held on after her death long enough to bury her. Once the Burial ended and i returned home, I couldn’t take the isolation, the loneliness and her presence so strong in our home. I found myself talking to a person not there anymore and the walls. I reached out for help because i honestly thought of dying myself.

As it turns out, ten days in a facility to prevent suicide helped but the pain still persists, as does the loneliness. Each day, I try to remember the good times and not the bad with her. Her smile, her laughter, her voice is missed daily by me. She kept me under control and she was always there, now she is gone.’

Many years ago I started in a one bedroom studio apartment, when I met her, I know I must, for I am here and she is gone It will be hard now to go on without her and in the end, I am now a 65 year old widower, I can’t believe that and find my eyes tearing up when I think of it. We all lose people in life for one reason or another, but I am tired of cancer being apart of my life and coming at myself and those I love so much. No one has found a way to beat cancer as of yet, I am praying daily someone will find a cure. The Grieving Process I am sure will be long term for me, so will the selling of the home and finding a place to live as a single 65 year old man. I only hope and pray, I can survive it and find life again for the rest of my life I have left.

Ok, I need to put myself back together again and find a way to recover from the loss of my wife, who I was with for 28 years. The real question is how does one do that in today’s America, when everything you see or do, or look at reminds you of the one you lost?

Memories are hard to live with folks, good ones especially fo rthe laughter the fun, the joy and the hugs and love are gone now. So what do I do next to find my way back to humanity and life in general?

I write so blogs will be one way to expresss my feelings. I watch television and I am trying to clean my house out now day by day, a bit at a time.

I know life will not stop fo rme, but I also know I am lonely, and on my own for the first time in 28 years. I don’t have my wife, my daughters and grandchildren are five hundred miles away. My wife’s daughter an dher kids are 45 minutes away of more by car. I see no one relaly unless I go out of my house and walk the malls and stores.

My body keeps going so far although at time I wonder if my heart will give out from the pain of the loss. the mind keeps spinning and I know I have to move on and not dally on memories and find others to socialize with too. Time shall tell if I can, but, I know I must try at least.

In my lifetime I have watched America go from a we. we, we society to now a me. me, me society and screw you. The callistness of it all, the coldness of it all is sad to me in all ways. When I grew up, being born in 1956, I was only old enough to understand things, when I hit the sixities. I realized the world was not perfect at a young age, but I remember when, yes I do.

As a child I was spurned and objected to, because i didnt fit in well, in society, but I adjusted through the years one thing ata time of course, weall do. By the end of the sixities, I was becoming more me and doing things for others not myself, mostly.

The seventies brought me around to making friends I still have today, thank god, out there. we hung together, laughed together and loved together and got to know one another well. We helped each other move families from apartments to apartments, went out together played games together. And we were all in it together mainly, it was still a we society, really.

I grew older and decided I had to do something to stay alive in the seventies to further my life, so I joined the military and started a new life. First the Army which I didnt stay in long due to a hardship trainiee discharge. Then The National Guard and Then the Navy where I grew up and realized I had responisibilities and duties to fullfill.

I married in the Navy and thought I had found a wife for life and had two daughters, till I fell and hurt myself and was discharged, fo rmedical reasons. Yet I did not see what lay ahead and no one could know what her life was like before I met her. Life is cruel to some and some are sick inviduals out there and they hurt tyheir own children in many ways, some mentally. some physically and some sexually, abuse come sin many forms, and I had no idea she had been abused.

As time dragged on I went thru the 70’s to the 80’s to 1989 when the Navy said no more for me in it’s service. I could return to sea anymore due to my injuries of six herniated discs inmy spine from a fall. I was discharged then in July, Honorable under Medical Conditions. when I was I could not finda job anymore no matter how hard I tried. so we gave up our home an dmoved to Pittsburgh, Pa. with my wife’s mother and brother. Little did I know, what would happen next.

A divorce a legal fight and in the end I was alone once more no children, no wife and my parents died all in a flash of 2 years or so. It wasa mad rush to survive then, I fought to eat and sleep and finda way, living in the YMCA and in a one bedroom in a basement of a building.

Then I found my second wife and life moved forward to more eductaion, to more love, to more belonging and caring and sharing of all, we were, together. It would be 28 years of togetherness, backinga nd supporting one another, leaning on each other and loving one another. I kept my wedding vows to her, which were to learn, to love and grow together as we lived together in peace.

How was I to know it would turn intoa 16 year battle against cancer for her and I? I never did. How was I to know how it would end 28 years after we started with her dying at home, in hospice from her cancer? I didnt thats for sure and it hurts nig time, but at least now there is no morepain or suffering for her. But I suffer because i am alone and on my own these days, failing about, looking for ways to survive as I empty a large old home, and try to find a way forward for myself.

Now I go day by day after burying her, and try to clean out a big house and get ready for selling it and to finding aplace for me to go next and live a new life without her. I have applied for single bedroom apartments now in three places, the waiting lists are, 2 to four years now for such a pace to live.

Discussions on where I go and what I do next are happening and in my thoughts daily. some say i should sell the house get out and go north to be near my sister in Massachusetts to have someone close to me near by. Others are asking me if i wantt o go west to Pittsburgh to be with my daughters and their children, my grandkids. I havent made up my mind as of yet, for I am struggling with trying to clea rout and sell our home, take care of the esate death taxes for my wife’s death and such. Nothing can be done fast, Lawyers wil lhave to be notifyied and visited by me, to get it done correctly. I have to pay for her funeral and burial anda headstome yet. I am engulfed by what it all adds up to and hope i can finish it all in due time. each day i am alone in the big home we shared, I am reminded of her everywhere I look and get depressed and sad.

I sometimes wonder, what I did in my life to deerve this pain and hurt and anguish I am going through. Was I that bad or lousy of a person as a kid or young adult? Did I offend or hurt someone? Did I anger God at me, what happened? I may never know, I just know, I must survive somehow till my own demise, is next.

Anyway, I write these blogs, I try discussions and chatrooms online in second life and I use facebook and I try to get out of the house as much as I can by walking the mall in my area, looking at stores, watching people walk by and then calling my sister and a few friends i have now and then or trying to visit them.

I know if i don’t persist in cleaning out the hous eit can’t be sold an dthe estate taxes taken care of, so I try to do some each day. I havent slept much since my wife’s death, I wake up every few hours, I dont get in bed i sleep on the couch or in a recliner near the tv with it running all the time. I am told I shall be in this shape and condition fora while an dit will take a long time to recover. I don’t know if i can withstand it, but I am trying.

Saturday August 21st. 2021, my wife’s nightmare has ended of 16 years of fighting cancer and she is now buried next to her son. It will be one day at a time for me now, one moment, one thought, one action. I have to remember to eat, drink and find things to do each day.

I now own a big home, with all in it, two cars, and loneliness. Disposing of all of the junk, her old clothes, going thru boxes and bags and more, won’t be fun.

I need to contact the Lawyers, settle her estate and death taxes. Then, I need to figure out what is left for me and sell the big house. It will be a slow process for sure. So many questions now remain for me, like how do I get back to a normal sleep mode, what do I do with my life, how fast can I move out of this house and find a new life to live, for myself? I know staying here in our home is not an option now, it will kill me in time.

I know some things for sure, my own health is not great, and I will need medical attention at some point. Then on top of that, I need to decide where I want to go to live, when I depart this house.

I am trying to decide what will be best for me and in my future days. where can I find peace and happiness for my own ending. The choices now are a few for me, I can try going north closer to my sister who has been a great help thru it all, or I can pack and go west to Pittsburgh, Pa and be near to my daughter and my grandchildren. The third option is to find a single one bedroom apartment here, close by and start over here. I know the third option is where I started as my wife was dying, because I thought I was not wanted elsewhere. So I applied in three apartment complexes around here. All have long waiting periods of up to 4 years, unless a tenant dies, then maybe I can get in.

Limited income will be a problem, but I can’t go back to work or try to I am incapable, and would lose all my benefits period. As it is with Melinda’s death I lost income, so I shall examine whatI have before i decide what to do next. Just like i must settle with the probate court also. What remains will help me decide what is next for me.

As my wife was dying I put off my own medical care and dental care too. So time will tell how soon, I can try to recover, those also. I am trying to be logical and use common sense to get thru, yet the emotions of the loss of my wife, come thru and slow my progress for sure. I must find a way to deal with the emotional impact of her death, and the possible PTSD from it, also on top of all of the rest, I have already.

I did what was right for my wife for 28 years, I gave her the life she wanted and needed right down to the colors of our home and the hospice care for her death and in the end, her wishes at the time of her burial. I have no regrets on how I did it, and I don’t think anyone can say I did any of it wrong. so, now it is up to the good lord, as to what happens to me next and how long I survive, myself.

Fates, and destinies, are out of my hands or anyone’s hands. I do not control all that happens now for me, but I shall press forward, the best I can. I am 65 now, bad back and neck, 6 herniated discs in my spine, PTSD from three parts of my life, childhood, Navy, now her death, blood pressure and heart problems yet I am still here and she is gone.

I married a woman 16 years my senior when I married her and knew it then, that I would probaly survive her. I knew during her 16 year cancer battle the end was coming for her, I just never knew how soon. I expected it for years as many who know me can testify to, for I spoke to some about it happening. What I didn’t know and will never understand is what to do next, to stay alive myself, till my time comes?

I find myself at times wishing I had died with her, like I said I wanted to. I wanted to climb in the bed and die beside her when she died. My sister, God Bless her stopped me from talking that way and stayed with me till, her end came. Now, I am alone again, and the struggle for day to day survivial, will be constant. What the future brings, how my ending shall come, or when, I have no way of predicting, but I know at 65, this is the roughest part of my life to live, in loneliness, for we are all social animals humans and I miss her.

Day ten without my wife began today with me sleeping a very little last nite. Then rising early about 4;30 am and then showering about 6;30 am. By 9;30 am I was dressed in my suit and waiting on my sister to go, bury her.

By 11;30 to 12 pm, the service, graveside was done, and her daughter and sister gave speaches about her. I was too emotional to do it, myself.

By 1:00 pm all was done and i retrurned home by 1;30 pm. Her death certificate in hand.

Now I am alone once more and wondering what to do with myself. I have applied for three apartments in Hud Related places, of course all have waiting times of up to 4 years, last I heard.

I will have to keep emptying the house so I can sell it as fast as I can and move on to somewhere else. Can I survive by myself again, it’s been 28 years, with her, and now she is gone.

Each day is a challenge to me to survive it, what does one do with themself? What do you do when your loved one is gone and your alone with no one left around that you know?

I was lucky, for I have a sister who cares and knows, and her boyfriend to help me through it all. Then an old friend came and he stayed with me too, at the reception afterwards. But once those affairs end, I am home alone again, talking to walls and wondering what, to do, next.

I watch television and binge shows constantly. Or unpack boxes in my garage when I feel up to it. Sleep is a big thing these days, I am not sure how much I can take, in being alone, so much.

I am debating with myself, as to what to do next now. Do I stay in Connecticut where I have a few friends left but no real family, or do I move to another state to be closer to family, like my sister in Mass. or my daughters in Pittsburgh, Pa.. I have no idea what exactly I will do next, I need to contact the Lawyers also for the estate taxes and how to pay them, I am sure the house must go for that. if I am not careful the loneliness alone can kill me, here.

I ask all who read this what do you do, when your loving partner, you married and now lost is gone and buried? What suggestions are there out there, to keep me going?

Any suggestions will be welcomed, and considered of course. Please feel free if you read this blog to send suggestions and ideas.

Today my wife is gone 7 days. In someways I miss her deeply and always will, her laughter, her talking, her interactions. Then I stop to think of what she went through, with her cancer that took her life and find myself, thinking, how much pain she is no longer suffering through. The best thought I get when I think of her one week later now, is that she is now at peace with no pain, and she has moved onto, a better place.

I am trying to deal with the loss of my wife daily by doing busy work, like unpacking boxes, figuring out what to save or tag sale or sell. I do hours at a clip unpacking these boxes just in the garage right now. Shelves of old boxed from 21 years ago when we moved into our home.

Then I watch television and movies or play x-box by myself with a friend online. I try to get out side some and had to go buy a suit for the funeral and graveside cermony. It all happens on Friday coming up, and won’t be easy on me or her daughter either, I know it. I think the process is such, so that at some point we reach an end and accept what has happened and cry it all out. It is like a natural process, for those who lose who they love and we choose to remember the good times, never the bad. And that can actually bring a smile to one’s face at times. For in everyone’s life, there are times of laughter, of joy, of giving and of loving and it is best to remember them, that way.

As time marches forward, I find myself making mental adjustments to handle it all. You tend to cry a lot first, everytime you remember them. Then after a while the teardrops come but not as much, for you run out of tears actually and find yourself thinking of them being in a better place now. Then you find yourself doing busy work to distract yourself, to stop the memories or the painful feelings of loss. Your force yourself to do things you know need done, and then whenyou get bored or lost and know not what to do anymore you choose to either find more to do or sleep as you can.

I know there is no simple solution to the loss of a loved one. There can never be for each of us handles that loss differently, some run from it, some face it, some try to avoid it and some of us know we must face it and go through it to survive. The process as I say is difficult, it can be longer for some and shorter for others. In the end though, it will end and at some point I must move forward and find a way to live on my own again.

I have begun searching foran apartment for myself, a one bedroom but none are currently available around me as of now. I am hoping to find a decent one rent controlled for a 65 year old disabled veteran. Until I do I may have to stay in this home and clean it out as I go. I may use the apartment we built in the basement, for just me for a while, time will tell.

I have contacted a real estate agent to help find a place to move to in the area and to help price the house also. Time will tell where an opening will come up for me to go to, I hope sooner than later. It will be easier if sooner, for I can move to the apartment and come back to finish emptying the house. That would be best for me.

I know I will have to deal with Probate Court and Estate taxes/ Death Taxes also. So I have contacted the lawyer who did our Living Trust and will meet with them soon enough, after the burial itself. It is a step in the right direction, out from under the process of death to the daylight again, I hope.

Each step in this process when some one dies is rough, it is slow and takes time it seems. what more one can do I do not know for sure.

 What is the answer here, how do you handle a Hospice Patient and survive it all?

Dealing with a dying patient under hospice care is rough mentally and emotionally. Each day you wake up, praying it will end for them, without pain and they will ease into the darkness and go to heaven.

They come home able to talk, or listen at least and you can communicate with them They are alert at times on and off and they can reply when you tell them you love them. You feed them, and change them and wash them many times a day.

Then one day they no longer wake up fully, they can’t eat or drink anymore, and you are stuck cleaning and changing a dying body that no longer can respond to you in anyway at all. It becomes a husk of the person that now, is not getting fed or drinking any fluids and you pray it will end each day for them. Yet, you have no control over how long they will last, that is up to God and a power greater than you or I to determine. There is a higher being above us all, that calls us when it is our time to go. So you find yourself walking in circles, looking for busy work to do. Or staring at a television screen or walking in circles in your yard, awaiting their end.

Then, comes the time, for compassionate medicines, they say to give to them so they feel no pain at all when washed or moved. The cleaning of their mouth, the listening to their breathing, as it becomes a rattle and slows over time. Now, hospice is not a pretty sight to live through with a dying spouse or relative of any kind. The one part of it is, it is covered in this case by medicare. Yet, I suffer each day I get up and can still hear her breathing, as it breaks my spirit, my heart and me emotionally and mentally and I find myself, praying for the Good Lord to take her, without pain or suffering. Only, time will tell I am told by Hospice Nurses and Nurse’s Aids.

Family come sand goes and discussions are had, regarding what she wanted when she dies. Simple she told me, for 28 years, as we loved and lived together, keep it simple.

She told me no big production, no big show for all to see. her family wants a memorial, I want peace. A memorial with flowers and pictures and allowing her only living child to speak is fine. I don’t want a crowd, I am not rich, so the cost is cazy when people die. Dying can be a very expensive expense for those left behind to pay for. Unless the person has a high class life insurance coverage for it. In this case there is no such thing. So I shall have to pay for all that will be done to say goodbye.

I find myself, slowly wishing it was over already and praying each day she goes, soonand peacefully. I am not young anymore myself, and each moment and day she is still with me barely breathing, is pulling me towards the abyss myself. It drains me emotionally, it weighs on my mind and heart and soul, as I try hard to hold on and do what is right and respectfull for her.

To watch Nurse’s and nurse’s Aids come and go each day and help them turn her for cleaning and then diaper her each day is killing me. To get up duringthe nights and check on her to check if she is breathing or gone hourly or every three hours is killing me. How long can a person live without water or food?

Day four has begun now her breathing is shaallow and short and there isa slight rattle to it. Her eyes never open now, she lays in silence. Her mouth opens and hangs open, and I close it each time I see it. yet she keeps going, minute after minute and hour after hour and day after day. A husk of herself and it is destroying me inside too.

How many days I ask the Nurses of Hospice and The aids too. None can say a definitive number of days even, each person is different they say. So, each day I wake up and check her, feed her morphine and watch her. My sister is here with me as we hold a watch over her, taking turns, getting up to check her. The television runs constantly as wesearch for shows or movies or specials to watch to distract us from it all. I go outside for fresh air and walk my driveway in circles for air and and exercise and to keep busy and distracted. I empty boxes we had stored for 21 years throwing away garnage and seperating what can be tag slaed or sold online. Knowing in the end i need to sell the home and get out into a small one bedroom apartment in a complex that handles the disabled and ederly each month.

I continue to seek help, I continue to ask questions, I continue to pray it will end soon enough and that it will end in peace for her and I and all involved who love her. We all need relief now from the whole thing, but we don’t control a damn thing, except trying to make her as comfortable as possible as she goes. No control at all really just the morphine is all and letting the aids and nurses in and out daily or family members who come to say goodbye and are grieving like I am.

I know many families are doing the same today, using hospice instead of facility care for familiy members. The cost is less for the families and the facilities like Nursing Homes that do it charge far too much to care for them, and do far too little for them actually.

I pray daily, it will end, I pray for her safe painless transition and for her comfort as he passes. But most I pray it will happen soon, the longer she hangs on the worse it gets for me. as her surviving spouse, I amhere constantly, and I worry wheither I can survive her going. I am not healthy myself.

Is there any answers as to when it shall end? Is there any signs to look for? I ave no idea folks, I feel I am being sucked down into the abyss with her at times andhave to walk away, to get air to breath, by going outside.

What is the answer here, how do you handle a Hospice Patient and survive it all?

Today is august 7th, 2021. I know, I sound like a broken record, here. But, having a spouse in Hospice Care here at home, on a Do Not Rescuitate, is emotionally hard on me. We have spent 28 years together as a couple and husband and wife. So to see her end in this way is rough, emotionally and mentally on me.

What do I do now, well every three hours the morphine syringe is given by me to stop any pain she has. Then I try to go through our belongings we havent touched in 21 years in our garage. Emptying boxes, trying to figure what her daughter may wnat, what can be tag saled or sold online, is not easy.

Nurse’s Aid come and go twice a day, changing and cleaning her is all. She doesn’t eat anymore and I must eat and sleep myself and remember I wil have a life still left to live when she is passed and gone. I miss her horriably right now and she is still here breathing away in a hospital bed. I can’t imagine what it will be like, once she passes.

I did not make the choice, to bring her home for Hospice easily, Nursing Homes and Rehab Facilities charge three hundred and fifty dollars a day, to watch them die. All they do is what you or a Nurses Aid can do at home for her, wash her, and watch her.

I was hesitatant to bring her home at first, then hesitant to give her the first morphine shot. I called Hospice to ask if I should do so first and went through the protocols, because I didnt want to without guidance and their permission.

Each day her breathing gets shorter and closer to the end, I check her hourly. I watch Television, I write blogs, I play x-box games and i walk my yard and driveway. Trying to keep myself going and remembering after she is gone I will still be here and have to carry on alone.

What more can I do, I can’t just get in a car and drive away to a store or to see anyone else for visiting or for friendship or companionship. To me that would be wrong as hell. So I sit listening to news and watching movies, bingeing television shows, writing blogs and in the end when all else fails playing video games and reading books. There is nothing more left to do.

When a loved one is in such a state as bordering on death, it is rough on the surviving spouse. we have to make sure they get cleaned and given the comfort meds at the end. Otherwise, they don’t and the pain can be horrible with a cancer patient. So, to prevent the pain, morphine is given, as, they go slowly.

Am I pitying myself, or complaining for myself no. I try to stay strong around her and cry by myself in other rooms where she can no longer hear me at all. I talk to the nurses and nurse’s aids and of course my sister and her daughter if they are around or call. Or even her own sister if she texts or calls. Otherwise it is me and I am alone to do all I can for her, here.

I know there are many others, who have taken care of Hospice Patients at home like I am, so I am not alone in doing so. I also know they survived doing so, so I must also, but the emotional burden and stress can get to me at times. Even though I cry a lot it doesn’t make it easier.

So let me ask, if you read this blog, Have any of you been through this experience of Hospice care for a loved one at home? And if you did, can you tell me what to do to make it through?

What did you do to take care of a hospice patient and how did you handle it? Any Help or comments would be helpful!

AUGUST 6TH, 2021,

The day begins slowly after a long restless nite of up and down and checking my wife to see if she is still alive and breathing. She is hanging on and I know not why anymore, except the good Lord has not called her, as of yet.

The cancer rages in her brain and body and bloodstream and I know it, she can not walk, and she can barely talk to say ouch or I love you, to me. No converstaions take place at all the silence is deadly in and of itself here, in this big old house, now.

The cats went yesterday, because they would climb up in her hospital bed and try to cuddle to her face, causing her to cough and difficulty in breathing. I gave them away to her sister’s brotherinlaw who said he needed comapnions and company now.

I am slowly pulling boxes from the shelves in my garage I built with my friend years ago, to try to get my car and truck in my garage, and that never happened really. Now the boxes are being opened and piles are being made as to what to do with these item we haven’t seen or touched in 21 years, that must go. I am making piles, one for her daughter to see and go through. One for the garbage, one for tag sale and one for sale of the better items so to say.

IT has to be done anyway, before I can empty the house and move to an apartment for a single/ disabled, senior and veteran like myself. It has become slowly a way to keep myself busy and my mind going and my heart from breaking. I push through each day, slowly, talking to myself, emptying boxes, talking to my sister who has come to visit and help me, some too.

I stop what I am doing when she wakes, to get her changed by nurses aids I pay for and those provided by Hopsice Care. They change her, wash her, and check her vitals, three times a week it is three times a day, the rest is twice a day.

I am beoming emotionally drained and crying on a daily basis. I find myself feeling guilty for wishing she would pass soon and go comfortablly. I find myself hoping for her sake it is painless and she will be fine, in doing so.

I feel guilty in a way for I am hoping it will happen sooner then later for the longer it goes on the more chance of it being painful for her and the more it will drag me down mentally, and emotionally. At time I tell myself someone will come one day and find me in bed next to her and us both dead. Then my sister tells me not to talk that way and do something, to stay busy.

I watch television shows, movies and binge series on HBO Max. Netflix and other channels. I write blogs here and try to share the experience with those who will read it. I sometimes wonder if i made the right choice in bringing her home under Hospice, but then I realize she is safer with me, in her own home, and they were not going to take good care of her anyway and never did where she was, in a Facility.

So many thoughts go through a person’s mind when you are trying to deal with a dying person in your home. What to feed them how to feed them, can I clean and change her? What do I do when she does slip away and who do I call then?

The memories of our 28 years together echo again and again in my mind the good times and the bad. The work and the care we gave to others, the help we provided to friends and family together, the roomers we took on and lived with and gave a place to live, who are now, long gone. All come to mind and I deal with much of it in spurts of tears, self-pity, wondering where I go next, what do I do, once it all ends.

I find myself thinking back in time to my younger days when I first heard of cancer in 1970, when my grandfather died of it. Then I find me reeling through the years mentally, as I remember my real father died of it, my mother died of it, my step-father died of it and I had lung cancer in 2013 and survived it. Now my wife and I have been fighting this in her since 2006, now it is 2021, 15 years later and still we fight, but I know we shall lose it, in her case. The tears start rolling down my face when I stop to think of it.

I have prayers I say to myself and I beg god to end her pain and mine too. I wonder will I survive her dying of it or will I really go, with her. Only the Good Lord knows for sure.

For now each day is a struggle, I check her often, I have television and X-box and my computer, books if I wish and boxes of a lifetime together to empty and clean up. The silence resounds in my mind and heart and it aches me, for where there was voices and laughter and tears and yes, even some arguing, there is nothing, anymore.

, So, I shall keep trying to make it through this, probaly alone soon for my sister can’t stay forever, and she must go home, soon. That means it’s me, the big house and my dying wife, alone then.

l I wil order food online and have it shipped here by stores and go on til it is over I hope. Unless my spirit snaps and breaks and I go with her, when she dies. Time shall tell now!