Good Morning world and America! Another day has dawned for me on September 29th, 2021. I awoke around 6;30 am again, and now have coffee in my hand and here I sit typing to all of you.

The world is currently in trouble due to climate changes and weather patterns that are erractic and problem like, then you add in the American Political Climate and Coronavirus, and you go what did we do so wrong to deserve this mess?

I wonder at times, what we the human races were thinking as we destroyed our own planet bit by bit, by minning it, then bombing it in wars and then you add in raping it in such a way as it is being depleted of it’s natural resources, well, it is bad for sure.

We sit on the planet, the only planet that sustains human life that we know of and we destroy it slowly, without thinking about what we may do next as a species. Where can mankind, humans, go next and will the planet earth end up like Mars and the moon, lifeless?

We rape the planet of minerals and the very plants that supply us with the air we breathe, sad isn’t it? We pollute the air and waters and kill the animals for us to survive. At no time do we stop to think of what we are doing each and every moment, so in the end, will the earth run it’s course and will mankind cease to exist, I think it is a great question.

That said now, America faces a cruical decision in how we go forward budget wise. The Republicans want to block any raising of the debt ceiling and that will put us in a posirion that we can’t afford, for we will default on our loans from others, ruining out credit rating and cutting us off. If we raise the debt ceiling, America will have to budget to survive anyway, but it will take careful adjstments to do so, as I see it. The choices are not easy, for all of us, that is for sure.

I tire of politicians who sit in office and have all they need to live and more while others live in poverty. I know we can’t all have everything, but the needs to eat, drink, and clothe and have a place to live is vital period. We can’t all ne college educated, although we all wish we could. Money runs America and that money is being held by those in power, due to it. Sadly, it seems, Americans are not intelligent enough to fully understand what it really means.

Monopolies happen, if you don’t believe it look around now. Companies control vital interests and make the money big times and others get nothing. It’s a sad state of affairs when one drives down a street, filled with stores now closing, and sees homeless people with signs begging for food and shelter. What has America become folks?

We are now a few steps from entering the poverty level of many third world nations. We have put ourselves on the path to falling from power and position and leadership in the world and we destroy ourselves daily. I love America don’t get me wrong, I served her for 16 years and I am proud of her, but, I shake my head at all that is happening.

We as Americans can’t support our own or help our own people anymore. We can’t get on one path and stop covid from killing people, we can’t get together and pass a damn budget to pay for our own governemnt to keep running and keep the benfits in place for seniors and disables, what is wrong with Congress?

The current situation in Washington, DC mustc hange for America to survive. Yes, I know the debt ceiling is high and wil get higher if they extend it. I also know that millions will be homeless and helpless and begging for food if comgress doesn’t fix this in someway. Disabled Veterans, and seniors on Social Security wil lose the ability to survive and kive out their lives.Yet, the Republicans can’t come to compromise to save it all? What is wrong with them?

They can sit back and pour billions into Trump’s wall when he waqs in office, they gave themselves and Trump’s cronies big tax breraks while he was in office, now they can’t compromise and raise the debt ceiling to keep the country going? They can and should do so now, a deal must be made for America to keep going!

There will be millions if not billions of Americans who will be in dire straits if Congress doesn’t raise the debt ceiling and pass a budget. It really is a shame if they sit on Capital Hill and collect their benefits and pay checks and do nothing for us common American Citizens, what are they there for ,then? They get their 270 grand a year salaries and medical and dental benefits and they are going to do absolutely nothing to help the common American Citizens who put them there? That is totally wrong and unsatisfactory in my book folks and it should be in yours too!

All, of the above said, and in the end I know basically, many will rerad my blog and go, “He doesn’t know what he is talking about!” They will say I should shut up and just carry on and work and survive, period and stop complaining. Well, to those I say this, ” America is better than this, we the American People have some honor, some dignity and demand some respect, from our Governement and it’s elected Officials!” I think, the Senators and Representatives who we elect, should be answerable to us at all times and should be looking out for all of us who vote for them. Don’t you agree with me?

If Congress can not raise the debt ceiling and put a budget in place that saves Social Security and Disabled checks for those who need them, then we need new Senators and Representatives and we should vote out those who block all. We can’t continue to be dpinning our wheels and going no where, when so many need help.

As to the coronavirus pandemic, let me say this to all who refuse to get vaccinated. When you were born and shortly there after you were given vaccines and vaccinated against numerous diseases, you survived them and you wil survive this one too. Wake up, vaccines work they always have, no they are not perfect but, they work. Get Vaccinated, do yourself a favor, do your children and families a favor, if not for yourself for them and for those around you, at least.

My opinions are my opinions and you don’t have to agree with me or them I know that. It is America and we all have freedom of speech to voice our opinions and thoughts and ideas and it is what I do, these days.

I wish we had cures for Cancers of all kinds and no more will die from them. I wish all good health and long lives, I do. Yet, I see an America that is failing to understand what it is doing to itself as a nation, and what the people of the world are doing to the planet itself. If Mankind and humanity as we are, want to survive we must take care of not only the planet but each other too. Lets find a way to get it done, compromise, save resourses and lets live longer.

The newest debate at this time in America is whether Congress will raise the National Debt Ceiling or not? While I have been busy with my wife’s death and burial, this debate has hit Congress, and it has and will effect many people in our country.

American Seniors will get hit with this and lose their Social Security checks every month if Congress does not raise the debt ceiling ar this moment in time, is one you, or your relative?

Many senior and disabled americans depend on their social security checks and many veterans live on their disability pay also. Do you wnat those who fought for the country, worked for the country and gave their all, to lose what they earned? If this happens the american economy will tumble an dour bills we owe to othe rnations will not be paid, placing America into a bankrupt status as a nation. Do we really wnat to let the republicans force America, into a bad credit rating and a poverty level ?

Someone must stand up and stop the Republicans from doing this, in someway. I know the national debt is rising and people are worried over it all, but in the end do we really wnat to shoot ourselves in the foot at this time? Be realistic please!

I know McConnell and his Senate Republican buddies are determined to stop the debt ceiling from rising, but, in the end who pays for it if they don’t, the senior citizens and the disabled American veterans mainly.

You want to reduce the national debt? Tell you what ask the billionares and millionares of which there are now thousands in America to pay with higher taxes! A higher tax rate on those who have the most will help the ones who don’t and the country on the whole too. Sadly, the Republicans won’t go there because, those same wealthy billionares and millionares, pay them in other ways. Lets face something here folks, every politician in Washington is rich in one way or another and McConnell and his cronies are more so, than most. In someway every politician is on the take from someone who is rich or from organizations like the NRA and others. We are not stupid here, at least I am not.

So how do we overcome this log jam the republicans have set up in Congress? We make them aware of who they are hurting, we proresrt, call our Senators and Representatives and if necessary picket and holdrallies an dthen if that fails, chase them to their mansions and make them change their minds. Phone calls to their offices help, visitors on their properties and at the Capital work also. Old saying folks, the place the stinks the worse gets the most attention, make it stick and make them smell, what they are doing! McConnel has been playing this game now for decades and he wants back his Majority leader position come 2022, so he will block all of Bidens actions and programs. McConnell and others have all been in the Snate too long and need removed or defeated before they get another term. The People of Kentucky need to wake up and see that McConnell is hurting them as well as everyone else in America who need assistance, period.

I recently saw, how Trump has turned on Lindset Gaham and I laughed. Trump turns on everyone and any who backs him to run in 2024 is a fool, and that includes McConnell, Graham, Johnson and more including Ted Cruz of Tezas too.

Why would anyone with a brain in their head back ,Trump to run in 2024 for President? The man was twice Impeached in one term, failed at everything he touched and caused a damn insurrection! Wake up folks! He failed to build his wall he promised and he snuck out of the White House after taking the vaccination without telling you he and huis family did so. He lies, he tells stories he made up and people buy it all, come on now it is sad.

Let me say this to finish today, if a Budget is not attained and social security and veteran’s benefits shut down, and you have to pay higher taxes as the lower or middle class, you will then realize they are screwing you and me and wake up, to it all.

Look no President or Politician is perfect folks, but, only the Republicans scrrew their own and everyone else at once. Don’t Let them! Are you gonna let them stop disability and social security payments to elders, seniors and disabled people? Wake up Please!

Tuesday, September 28th, 2021, I awoke at about 7;45 am, coffee is always the first thing I look for now. Each day starts the same for me, it seems and nothing wrong with that. Life must go on, for I am still here on the planet and breathing.

Getting up each day, these days is an effort in one way, I realize after I awake, that my wife has passed and is gone now. My mind flicks to her, and then, I suddenly go there is no way, I can speak to her anymore. It is hard to accept at times after 28 years with her being here. Yet, I am slowly coming to realize, it is the way it really is. You can’t bring anyone back, they are just gone and you must deal with that fact each day, there is no other way to do it.

Life does not end, until it is your time. I know not, when my time will come, but I do know, I am set for burial next to her, by Uncle Sam, when it happens. That thought will have to hold me, till I do pass myself.

Now, I have to finish the business she left for me, when she died. Cleaning out the house, settling her probate in court, paying for it all, is expensive as hell. Death costs are high these days, a plot, a urn, creamation, and more, the numbers are high. IT will takea while to pay it all off, but I will in due time.

Once that is done, I have additional costs to face, the regular bills, then moving on. I need to find a new place to live as I prepare to sell the house we shared for 21 years of the 28 we were together. I seek a comfortable place, for me alone and maybe a dog if i get one for company and companionship. I always wanted a dog so maybe that will be good for me.

I have been looking at condos and apartments in Massachuettes, in the Bristol County area that I have family in. Then at the same time i am trying to find a dependable, SUV for myself after I rid myself of the old vehicles, we had over the years. So many things come up, the Lawyer to settle The Trust is one I had to use also and pay for. Legal advise is always good when your spouse dies, I recommend all get a lawyer for it.

As time marches on, I have to go one day at a time. I also have to stay positive and do all I can to survive and restart my life without my wife, by my side. I know it won’t be easy for me, but I also know, if she were here and could talk to me, she would tell me to move on and build a new life, and be happy and content. As she was losing he rlife and her cognitive functions she did tell me, ” I didn’t want to put you through this!”, I replied “I am here and will be till it ends, no matter what I love you” The last words I spoke to her was to tell her i love her and she replied in kind too.

Now the time has marches on, it has been over thirty days since I buried her, to be prcise 28 as of today. I paid for her burial and her urn and her headstone also. My memories of her will always be with me, and that is how, it will stay, till I die. Yet memories do not make life go on alone, I will have to work to restart and rebuild and find a new place and new life. Now, I will never forget her or the life we shared for 28 years, yet I know I can’t sit still in the same place or the same area we lived in. Memories and reminders of the life we had, would flood me and drive me back into depression, so moving is vital.

There may be some who think, because I am leaving the area of connecticut, I am running from the memories, I am not folks. I am moving so I can live in peace, and I can have my own place and start over. Will, there ever be another woman in my life, that I doubt, at this point in time, at 65 there is no rush for anything at all. I can have friends of course and hope I meet many, for being alone, is not what I want constantly, for myself. Isolation will get me if it happens to me, so I have to try to stay active with people.

For 28 years, I lived my life, attached to my wife. I did all she wanted to do or not do, and stood by her side. I put ,whatever I wanted to do aside. I went places she wanted, including seeing relatives she wanted and friends she wanted. So, my family and long time friends, I did not get to see much. Now, she is gone and, I can go where ever i want and make new friends, I hope. I just hope I can find a way to enjoy the time ,I have left in my own life now.

I have found, I have served others in my life in many ways, more than I have done for myself. Growing up I did what I was asked by my dad. Then when I joined the Service I did all I could as a Soldier and Sailor for 16 years. Then ,I took care of my first wife and children as long as I could and then my second wife, after my divorce. Now, as my Doctor told me, ‘It’s time for Bill to do Bill, be yourself and have fun for a change!” So, next up is my time, if I get the chance to do it!

I try to pick who wins each week in the NFL, I warn all who read my blogs I am not a pro at this just a fan having fun doing so. So lets do this again:

1. Cowboys over Eagles
2. Bengals over Jaguars
3. Titans over Jets
4. Bears over Lions
5. Colts over Dolphins, Upset of week
6. Browns over Vikings, Vikes need much help on defense
7. Washington over Falcons
8. Bills Over Texans
9. Saints over Giants
10. Chiefs over Eagles, Andy Reid should be back
11. Panthers over Cowboys
12. 49ers over Seahawks
13. Rams over Cardinals
14. Packers over Steelers
15. Ravens over Broncos
16. Bucs over Patriots
17. Chargers over Raiders in a close one, could go either way

Now my picks are in for week 4, as to whether I am right or wrong time shall tell, I am not pro picker so to say, just a fan! Enjoy all!

Monday September 27th, 2001 has arrived. A new day is here now and I am still alive! I am sometimes unsure why I am here, yet I am. I know the good lord is watching over me, he must be or else, I dont think, I would have survived ,my loss, of my wife.

Memories of her and all we did for 28 years come back to me always. Some are funny, some are serious, some are touching and warm and filled with love. I shall always have those memories, and I know she would want me to, also. I would not give back one day, for me, they were days I enjoyed and she did too.

Well, as it goes now, soon enough I will start to settle all I can, with her estate, the taxes and probate court. The house is well underway to being emptied and then all will be sold as soon as i can. The adventure of moving is almost upon me in full force now. I have to start anew and find a new place to live once more.

There will be apartment hunting or condo hunting to do also. I look at places online daily and at vehicles i will need also. I know I do not want to bring with me old beds, old bedding or anything else really. JUst my clothes and important papers and such, until I get set up here. I want new and I want clean and neat and in the end comfortable.

When starting over for me at 65, I need to get away from the house and memories, and find a fresh place. Now I won’t be doing another house in my lifetime at least, I am too old to care for such a big place and the cost of owning one, and keeping it going is crazy for a now widowed man at 65 years old.

Some people are rich I am not, I will have to struggle through to survive even at today’s prices. Everything is rising in cost, foot, heat, rent and more. The American economy is not stable anymore these days. Markets go up and down and life goes on as covid ravages the land and it’s people and the world too. Basically I am wondering how I can survive such an era and for how long, at today’s current styles and rates.

I just know for myself, I must do what I think is right. For me I have only one person I am close with my sister and she and I always got along. So in my mind and heart, I want to be close to her, but not interfere in her life, alot. So, a search for a new beggining has begun as I start to jump through hoops to clean out the house, and sell it and settle the estate to the best of my ability and find a new way of life. Nothing it seems come easy for me, but in the end I hope it will be peaceful and pleasant in my future, so I can laugh some and enjoy my life as it goes on towards it’s end.

I am under no illussion here, believe me. Age 65 is not a time, anyone would want to start over again, yet here,I am. I have no choice really, for I can not impose on others nor can I, not do it. The choice is not mine now, it belongs entirely up to fate, for me. The fates and the good lord took my wife from me, cancer waits for no one folks. Believe me, when I say if there was a way to have stopped her cancer and keeping her with me, I would have found it. There is no way to stop cancer once it has a grip on someone and sadly, it won the battle with my wife.

I have faced cancer many times now in my life. my grandfather on my mother’s side died of it, then it came and got my real father, my step-father, and my mother. Then it raised it’s ugly head again in my second wife who just died August 10th. 2021. In Between in 2013 it hit me too, and I was a lucky man and survived it, after I lost a lobe and a third of my right lung to it. So, cancer it seems is a killer that never quits, it just keeps coming and all anyone can do is fight it the best we can. I have seen it all now, The MRIs, The Cat Scans, The X-Rays, The Radiation, The Chemo, The Immunio-theraphy, pills, hospitals, Ers, and Hopsice Care. Rehab Facilities and so much more.

The equipment, from ramps, to chair lifts, to walkers, to rollators, to wheelchairs. Pills left and right. Cancer causes human heartbreak, it causes pain, suffering and more.I hate cancer, I wish it never existed and that mankind finds a cure for all forms of it. I pray the scientists and doctors and researchers find a cure for all of it and it is eradicated from the planet. yet, I can’t change the fact it exists, it killed many of the people I loved and has left me alone now.

We all get affected by the loss of those we love, at one time or another in our lives. We go through the loss and changes the best we can and we move on in our own way. I can’t change what happened to my wife, I can’t change cancer.

What I have come to learn is fate and destiny and the good lord runs the planet and our lives.I firmly believe we are put here for specific reasons, to accomplish specific things, we know not what they are, but, we do them and when we do, we are then recalled to the Good Lord’s side. We are not allowed to know our purpose really, but we do things each day we must do, that affect others we love and know. It is called living and life folks! For now, I can only say what I feel and think I understand. Life is always a mystery, and adventure for sure. We awake each day, open our eyes and we know there is life and light to live through. We laugh when we can, we cry when we must, we breathe and we sleep. We do tasks and chores, we shop and we eat and drink. At no time do we stop, to think much. about when we shall pass away, at least most, of us don’t. We work overtime trying to deny our passing. And that is human nature.

Time does march on it seems, it is now 48 days, since my wife’s death! Yes I miss her dearly and wish she was still here.

September 26, 2021, it is now 7:19 am, I awoke around 6:30 am today. Coffee and pills now in hand I sit and look at stuff on the internet. The world is constantly changing daily, america is still here and kicking and so am I. The weather is changing now as fall, is upon us here in New England, and the leaves shall change slowly as they have now begun.

Each day is a new beggining for me, as I struggle to go on without my wife, who I had for 28 years by my side. Emotions well up inside me and I tear up at the thought of her being gone now, but I also know, she is at least now, no more pain, no more chemo, radiation, Doctors, immunio-theraphy, no more Rehab Facilities and nursing homes. It wasn’t easy and never could it have been, to keep her home with me in the end, but I did it, and hospice was the way to go in her case.

Now, I have to face the future, without her of course, and so many things have to be done for me to live on. The house needs cleaning out the rest of the way and prepared for sale. The cars have to go, for I only need one dependable one for me now, and the mileage on the ones we had are far too high. They are now, almost 15 years old a piece.

Finding all the paperwork needed for her estate and hiring the lawyer was something I needed to do. It is now done and in progress for me. Since all we owned was jointl, I pay the bills and keep them up to date as I put out money left and right for her burial, her headstone, and the lawyer. In the end i will get some back no doubt, and I should be able to survive without much trouble, I hope.

After a severe bout of depression, I am slowly recovering mentally and emotionally of course. All is slow, but steady as I now realize she would have wanted me to go on and enjoy life some. There is no way, I can stay depressed, I have too much to accomplish and get done to end up in a new place on my own, next.

No, I will not stay in the house, no I won’t even stay in Connecticut anymore, at least that is my plan right now. I want to sell all, get a new vehicle for medical and personal use, and a place for myself like a nice apartment or condo if i can. Of course, it will all depend on the house sale and income that I have left, now.

In the meantime I am existing and living with my sister, who has taken me in after my bout of depression and is helping me with the house, sale and more, as I go along.

I spent my life so far, giving to others, in all ways I could. I never was rich or wealthy, nor was I the best at anything, just good enough was all. I accumilated knowledge and I tried to use it for myself, my wife, my life and in dealing with it all in general. It’s what we all do, isn’t it?

Now I am 65, I have had basically two of everything there is, I think. Two marriages, two kids, and two lives in a way maybe, three. Well the two marriages were totally different of course, and then there is my service years. The service gave me an escape from a childhood, I didnt enjoy and that was rough. I served 16 years and it ended in my being hurt from a fall.

It seem everything in my life goes for long periods of time. Maybe it is a pattern with me, maybe it isn’t, maybe it is just circumstances, I really don’t know. I just know how it went so far. Being who I am, and how I am, I make no excuses for anything I did or said over my lifetime, why because nothing I did hurt anyone intentionally or permanently or on purpose. I never could do that one. I would walk away, instead and not cause further pain or angish before i would inflict any on anyone. It’s my way.

When I say periods in my life, I basically mean periods. I lived in periods of time with different instances of course. My childhood was not as nice as many, and it lasted till I could get old enough to leave. Then I started my service years and my first marriage, my service time went 16 years and my marriage 12. Then once my divorce started there was a brief period I call the lost years of about almost 5 years. Those were spent finding myself, putting myself back together again and starting over.

Then, I found my second wife who I just lost to cancer recently in August. Now, I slowly rebuilt again and at the same time helped her stay afloat and more. We went 28 years together as I went back to school and got a degree. Seven years we spent just living as a couple, before we married. The relationship went 28 years and I miss her today, as I always will. So, when I say periods of time, it seems it is all in chunks of time, that happens in my life.

Now at this stage, I have to face what I think could be the final chunk of time in my own life. I am 65 and a widower now, selling a home I must sell and trying to sort out what to do with my life next.I have a sort of plan for my future of course, as you can tell, from what I have said so far.

My plan is simple, yet probally right for me, I believe. Once the house is sold, I plan on leaving connecticut and moving to Massachuetts nearer to my sister. She is my only family really that I have now. I want a small condo or apartment, a nice vehicle, new furniture, and a peaceful life where I can enjoy some before I can’t anymore. I want peace, but I also want friends new ones and just to be me. Is it asking too much, I hope not.

I have a belief few people do, I think anyway. I believe we are all put here on earth for a purpose, a mission so to say that we must accomplish, before the Good Lord recalls us to his side. Obviously, I am still here on earth so, my guess is the good lord has some plan for me in the future or something for me to do, before I go. What it may be I do not know, I only know I try hard not to hurt anyone.

I would never trade one day of my life for any reason. I accomplished a lot in my years, I helped many in my years and I lived and had some of the best friends any man could. While I was and am not perfect at all, I am a decent man in this life and I always try to do what I believe is right.

Now I believe is time for me to take care of me, to hold myself together, to settle in and try to find a new life, a new way, in a new place. I know not what the future brings for me, but I do know I need peace, and some happiness for myself. I spent 16 years serving my country, and then 28 years taking care of a wife, who had 16 years she battled cancer, with me by her side. If there is justice on earth, and the Good Lord is watching, then he knows I did right by my wife in all I did. I pray he is watching over her and now, over me, while I am still here on earth. I only want to have peace, a place of my own that I like, and a life with some happiness once more.

A month and 3 days have now passed since I buried my wife. Each day I wake up and wonder why I am still here and she is gone, but, I keep going on. Each day is a memory of course that I keep in my heart about her and mind, yet I also know no matter what I have done right, by her in all ways, I know how

Missing her is just something I have no choice on of course, and I try each day, to keep going the best I can. Each day is a mystery and in someways an adventure for me. I have a house to clean out and sell, I have property I must sell with it and cars to care for too. Bills have to be paid monthly, till the house is gone also. So many things to do in a short period of time, it can be daunting, when someone you love, dies.

It’s been an emotional roller coaster for me, since her first fall on March 13th, 2021 right till the moment and day, she died on, August 10th, 2021. Each day was runs to hospitals, ambulance bills, admitting and discharges, admitting to Rehab Facilities and finally home to Hospice where she died. Each step has been hard and emotionally draining on me as a man and as her husband. Yet I know I must do what is right by her, till there is no more to do. There are more than emotional issues at stake when someone dies, there are moral issues and legal issues and in the end, all must be covered in someway. Personally, I never thought I would be doing all of this at all, but, cancer stops for no one. I would never have thought I would be a widower at 65 years old, yet here I am.

Like I said above it’s been an emotional roller coaster now since March 13th, when she fell the first time. LIttle did I know our 16 year battle with her cancer ,would, end this way. IT is over now, except for the legal issues of course and my own life must go on, without her. I am lucky in many ways, but, most of all I have my sister and her man to help me here. So far, I have stayed above water and paid the bills ,I need.

I also did the right thing with her burial and death in all ways I could. She is laid to rest next to her son as she wanted. I made sure of that and in the end she has her gravestone also. Whatever, anyone else may say or do, no one can say, I did not follow her wishes, because I did.

What is the cost of it all finacially, well, it is expensive to bury someone today, especially someone who refused to pay for insurance, all had to be paid upfront. I did so. So the bills are done as far as that goes. What happens next, well, I will see the Lawyers ,for that purpose soon.

Each day is a mystery and adventure period. I know not how I will feel when I wake up, or if I can keep going. There are days I feel like i should have gone with her, even though I am on medications fighting depression. I take them as prescribed daily and carry on the best I can. Is it going to be different in the future, I hope so.

I have made some decisions already and those include selling the house and moving to a new state. Getting rid of the old cars and getting one new dependable one for myself if I can. I am hoping I will have enough to do both of these things. A new location will do me good, the memories I will keep of course, but, staying out of where it all happened and how it happened is vital to my health now. Survival is what I need to do.

I still, know no matter what I am here on earth and living, my time has not come, yet. The Good Lord has not pulled my name or number as of yet, so I am stuck right now here alive and on my own basically. What my purpose is as of yet I do not know, but I believe once we achieve what The Good Lord wants us to, he recalls us to his side. So time shall tell, for the clock keeps ticking and each day passes, some slower than others, some faster.

I have been asked by Doctors, what do I want now, to do with the rest of my life? Well, I can answer it this way, I want peace, I want a decent place to live, I want a decent vehicle and a life with some fun in it. I hope that is not asking too much, but The Good Lord will let me know if it is or not. I want peace for me, for the world and all I love of course. Hopefully, I can have it that way till I pass away, myself.

I watch the news daily, I see the tragedies and the dangers of living. I see people hurting and in trouble and know we all have our own problems to face, I am not blind to it all. I seek a place for me now, one where I can find my inner peace, my way around and my way of life. Is that too much to ask?

I know I did 16 years of service to Uncle Sam, and I also did 28 years with my wife after that, that included 16 years of fighting her cancer and my own too. I hope now that she has passed and when I finish all I must do pertaining to her death, I can find time to enjoy what is left of my own life. Again, I don’t know what the future shall bring regarding me, but I do know I will try to make the best out of it all, that I can.

I have always looked at life differently than most. I have always tried to help others along. It’s in my nature really, always has been. As long as I am healthy, I try to do what I can. I am far from perfect, but, I am not an asshole. I look at things in such a way, as to do what is morally, ethically or legally right and do them that way to the best of my ability is all. Many are competitive and will fight to win at all they do, I just try to do the best I can and let the ending, equal the cause, so to say. So, I shall continue along the best I can, and I hope when I do pass, where ever I am, I am remembered for what I did for others. For as I have now learned, it is how you treat others, that you are remembered for, not what possessions you have or how much money. It’s how did you react to others and did you treat them with respect? Those are the things people remember when you pass or are gone.

September 22nd, 2021, time it seems keeps going no matter what and yes, I age also. The stress and tension and anxiety, of my wife’s death put me through depression. I was smart enough to seek help, so I survived it. We all end up at some point in life needing help either mentally or physically in someway, and the situation and circumstances got to me. I did what was right for me and sought help. I have no problem with admitting it all to anyone.

As life goes on now, the house is the next thing I need to make go. It will be hard to say goodbye to the home we shared for 21 years, yet there is no way a single man, can care for a four bedroom home with an apartment in the basement. The price of oil alone is a killer to heat it. Plus, no way to use or make use of such a large place for one person.

As to what is next for me, well, right now I am still finishing the house clean-up and then will sell it outright. The lawyers are next for me, clearing up her will. Once that is done I will sell the house and leave connecticut, and move away. For me, the memories of her and our life, would get me if I stayed, so I am leaving the area. I am not being mean and those who know me understand, I have to get away and start elsewhere, in order to survive. It;s that simple in my mind and heart right now.

Many will ask where I will go, well, where I can live in peace is my idea. I will have to get a smaller place in a decent area, and live quietly on my own once more, the same way I did when I met my wife, who died. Back then I was in a small apartment in the basement of a building by myself. I am guessing, I will probally be right back to that soon enough.

I never was a big spender, and survival in america today is expensive in all ways. So, I want affordable and comfortable, and a new location. For 28 years, I did what my wife wanted, as she wanted and how she wanted. Now, after all that time, I find myself having to pay the bills and make the decisions on my own. Anyone who has lost a spouse will tell you, it is not easy to accept or adapt to. Yet I must and will do it.

I am sure I will be ok, it is just a matter soon of getting used to being alone once more and finding things to do in a new location and meeting new people. It won’t be easy, but, I can force myself to do what is necessary to survive.I know a smaller place, different surroundings will help me in the end. So, it is what I am going to do next.

Sometimes, I look at it like a chapter in a book that is ending for me. For in fact it is a period of my life and times that has come to a conclusion, and now I must turn the page and start a new chapter or book for my own ending to happen ,when it does. I know not what the future brings, so it will be an adventure for me in many ways.

I know I have aged big time this year, when I look in the mirror. The wear and tear on me mentally and emotionally, has drained me and at some point I need to refill that energy level once more to survive.I love life, but, I am also a little hard to get to know and at times sensitive to things around me.People tend to understand me after a while of knowing me, so patienance will have to be a part of me. And hopefully with those I meet, also.

I believe I am processing many emotions and feelings at this time in my life. Loss, hurt, pain, sadness, are tops. Then there is anxieties, fears, apprehensions and yes even doubts about what I can do or how to do things, yet I must do them or they don’t get done. Decisions have to be made, what to do with the house, all of the belongings, what to give to who and why. Then, how to sell the place and find a new one in a new location, what to take with me and what not to take with me and why? So many questions and things to work out.

While there is a feeling of apprehension and yes even fear as to what is next for me, there is also a feeling of anticipation of what the future may bring. So when it comes to emotions and feelings it is a constant up and down for me. As my Doctor told me, one day at a time is all you can do. She also told me, I took care of my wife for 28 years, it is time to take care of myself for a change, and find some enjoyment for myself in my own life and possible ending years. I think she is right. The last 16 years of my life with my wife was all taking care of her, Doctors, dentists, Tests, Scans, MRis, Cat Scans, then Chemo and radiation and immunio-theraphy. Day after day, week after week. Unless you have taken care of a cancer patient, you would not understand ,what I am saying.

The further along the cancer got the more intense it got also. When she fell I picked her up and ran her to the hospital. We went through The ER, ICU, then Hospital stays. We went through not one round of it but two. Then we went through more scans, tests and then off to Rehab Facities. Then back home for 60 days, then it started all over again.Each day was a constant go see her, talk to her, be with her as much as I can.

In the end her medicare coverage was running out, medicare does not cover forever and medicaid would not provide, we had too many assests left. I had to make the decision to bring her home for Hospice care. She came home to her own place she knew and me.

The hardest part of doing Hospice care is you watch them fade from existance and there is nothing you can do for them, except keep them as clean, and comfortable as possible. I did that for her and I fed her, changed her and in the end gave her the comfort meds she needed. I had to do what I did for her sake.

To watch your spouse die is no fun folks and I had it rough. In the end I would never have done it differently. I got to say goodbye and so did she. I would never regret it in anyway I did it.

In the end i gave her the burial she wanted no show, no production, simple and easy. It was her wishes that she told me for 28 years. I couldn’t speak at the gravesite, I was too emotional to even barely stand. But I did it right for her, in all ways I could. I know, in my heart and mind I did all of it correctly and the way she wanted it done.

So, now I will keep the memories of our life and the good times. I will forget the bad and move forward, for I can’t stop living, the Good Lord, has kept me alive for some reason, time will reveal it, I am sure. As each day passes, the memories of our life pass through my mind and I do cry for the loss, yet, once, I let it out, I find myself, and catch myself and move forward a little bit more in all I have to do. Life continues for me, and the clock and time keeps ticking on.

Last week I picked 16 games out of them I had 13 right. Time for the next week’s picks:

1. Panthers over Texans
2. Cheifs over Chargers
3. Cardinals over Jaguars
4. Browns over Bears
5. Bills over Washington
6. Titans over Colts
7. Saints over Pats, can’t believe NO will lose again
8. Falcons over Giants
9. Steelers over Bengals- will bea toss up game
10. Ravens over Lions
11. Broncos over Jets
12. Raiders over Dolphins
13. Bucs over Rams in a close one
14. Seahawks over Vikings, Viking lack cornerbacks, and a kicker
15. 49ers over Packers
16. Cowboys over Eagles

Now I am not a Pro at these picks, so don’t quote me if you use them! These are done for fun by me, not for use for gambling purposes, as you can see I do not give odds or point spreads.

September 20th, 2021, today marks a month since my wife was buried, and laid to rest. I have had many hard days and nights since her death. Sleep is not easy for me and I know I should sleep more,yet my body and mind do not cooperate.

The human mind can play tricks upon the human body. It tends to run amok at times with memories and feelings that one gets. I personally know for a fact my mind races ahead with thoughts of the past and what I have to do next, as I also try to find a future for myself. I am currently in a place mentally where I can accept the fact my wife died due to cancer, yet, my heart tends to wish she didn’t of course. To divide the heart and mind in such a way is far from easy, yet in my case it does go that way.

For the longest time I could not stop blaming myself for my wife dying. I would stop and think about her and my mind would ask myself questions. When cancer is involved as it was with her, you must make choices for her or others like her who were victims. We fought her cancer together for 16 years folks. 16 years of cat scans, mris, pet scans, chemo, radiation, and immunio-theraphy. 16 years of Doctors, Appointments, Prescriptions, and more. Some have no idea of the fight we fought, or what it involved. The ones who do, are either the actual patients or spouses or survivers of the cancer victims, who sat with them through it all and in the end had to bury them. For it is the ones who took care of them, loved them, who made their passing as painless as possible, who felt the pain the worse, of those who are here still. We feel the loss of their presence, the loss of their laughter, their tears, their voices and their minds and hearts. For in the end we are the ones who really loved them most.

In the time since my wife passed, I have been on an emotional roller coaster when I hear her name. Up one moment and in tears the next. Mankind is a social animal, we love others and we socialize and pick who we spend our time and lives with. They are the ones we are attracted to,, the ones we interact with ,the best, ones who get us, the best and we get them. So you see, missing someone who has passed is a normal reaction. There is no right way to grieve, there is no wrong way to grieve, there is only one certain fact, upon their death and that is you will grieve period. How long, or how you grieve is never the same for any two people. We all do it differently and in the end, there is and always will be a point, when it is only the good memories that stay with you or I.

Humanity has it’s faults, and all of us, no matter what our sex, go through these things, differently. Our age when it happens to someone in our lives, attributes to our reactions also. The younger one is the faster one who rebounds and starts to recover, the older one recovers a lot slower. The closer your were to the loved one who passed, the harder it is of course, also. I know, I am going through, it all.

For a good while, I was sad, and blamed myself. I found out I was wrong to do so. When dealing with a deadly disease, in another person, we tend to blame ourselves for our failure to stop what is happening. I know I blamed myself, I thought many things as it was happening. What can I do to stop the cancer, what can I do to keep her comfortable, what does she need to eat, what kind of help should she have. Do I leave her in a Nursing Home to die, or bring her home under hospice care? So many questions went through my mind, how do I pay for it all, what will it cost and where will she be most comfortable?

Hospitals and care facilities cost money folks, and insurances don’t cover everything needed. You have to be broke to qualify for medcaid, and medicare only covers so much. Ultimately you have to make a decision, as to how to not go broke yet, take care of your loved one. I was faced with that decision as my wife was dying. I had to make choices and decisions for her.

I found her insurance Medicare running out on her and in the end I had to make the choice to bring her home under medicare for hospice reasons. On top of that decision I had to hire Nurses and Aids to come care for her. In the end, it was in my mind the right decision. My wife came home to die and she preferred it too. She got to see her home once more, her cats and me and to feel like she belonged once more and was paid attention to until, she didn’t know the difference. Did I make the right choices for her, I believe I did.

When she passed, I again had to make hard decisions, on how to handle her passing, I tried and worked overtime through my grief, to make it the way, she wanted it. She always told me no pomp. no circumstance, no production or show please. She told me to keep it simple and i listened and did as she wished. There was no wake, no funeral procession, no major show. She had a very quiet and personal graveside burial, and that is what she wanted.

It is a month now since her burial, today. Her burial is paid for now and her headstone is ordered. She rests now in peace where she wanted to be buried next to her son. I will always love her and remember her in my mind and heart, yet I am faced with what to do next for myself, for I am still here and alive. I reached a point, where I thought of joining her, but, as one person told me, I am only 65 and why would i do so, it is wrong to think that way ,I have too much time, left. My future is yet to be determined, and in the end, I have to live for myself now, instead of for her as I did for the past 28 years with her. She would want me to get some enjoyment for myself, now.

When a loved one dies or is in the process of dying, they tend to be honest and forward about things they say. As my wife told me when she was still able, ” I never wanted you to go through this!.” My reply then was simple and heartfelt, “I am here and not leaving you!” I kept my word and I lived up to our wedding vows also. That is what a marriage is about all, it’s called commitment, it’s called also love!

Now I have to take care of all the buisness of her death that remains. Legal matters need tended to, a house needs cleaned out, I must get out of said house for the memories drive me into depression. I shouldn’t have to debate with anyone over what I do. As her husband and spouse, the house and all that is in it, is mine period. I shouldn’t have to get lists by email, or have to go looking for things others want, or have to argue over who gets in my home or not. It’s my home period. Yes, I know I can not live in it anymore, so I am doing what is necessary for me to survive and have a life. There is no otherway to do it, now.

What the future brings for me is yet to be known or seen. So, I am taking life one day at a time, one moment at a time. I hope to be able to settle all matters, and move away from the house and area, and find a place for myself. Is it too much to ask? The last question I have is this, don’t I deserve to have a decent, happy and enjoyable life now, after all I did for her?