I have listened to some people, looking for partners in the Bdsm/ D/s World online and in Real life. I find that the hardest part of it all is that people tend not to communicate well with one another. Some just come to the lifestyle looking for just sex and to fulfill their kinks and move on.
If you want a relationship in BDSM or D/s or both, fine, but do yourself a favor and learn to listen to who your with. Many just give orders or make demands, if you listen to your partner, you would know what they like and what turns them on and what makes them like or want to be with you.
Clear communication is not just telling your side, it’s listening to the other side, who is your partner, too. So sit down if your having trouble, openly talk and don’t be afraid to say how you feel about anything. Honesty, straight forwardness. compassion, caring and in the end, compromise goes a long way folks.
When I say compassion I mean have some empathy for your partner, care about what they want, and listen honestly and with full attention.
If you Don’t listen and openly communicate you may not last in a relationship, whether it is in this lifestyle or vanilla, if you get the drift ok.
What we all want is someone we can respect and who respects us in return, someone we can get along with, grow with and in the end have something lasting, if you ask me.
Before you jump into any relationship, look at yourself, know thyself first, know your own kinks, likes, desires and then also know what your hard limits are and what you hate too. Be able to convey and talk about it all openly with someone you know or like a lot and are attracted to, be honest. For if you hide something, lie about yourself or don’t convey something clearly, you will lose out. So remember open communication is not just shouting what you like out at someone, it is also listening in return and compromising to a point of both sides being satisfied in the end.

I hear Republicans, shouting, I hear Democrats shouting back. the political game continues as people hurt for money, hurt for help, hurt for food and try to survive a pandemic that is killing people. Instead of being on one page, one team and helping Americans survive this covid-19 virus and all of the variants, we have assholes screaming publically it’s all a ruse!

Let me say this to all, JIm Jordan and other slike him attacking, Anthony Fauci over this virus is stupid, assine and shows just how stupid Jordan really is. But if you were watching this so called debate or questioning that happened you will see, Jordan wears a mask as he does it too. There is an old saying I learned as a child from my parents, it goes as follows, Never bite the hand that feeds you, Jordan is biting the medical experts leading the charge against a deadly virus that is killing people world wide and for what reason other than to spread false information, his illustrious leader he loves so much, Donald Trump, the worst President in america ever, put out.

The Republican Party needs to get rid of Jim Jordan, Matt Gaetz and others still shouting the Trump bullshit lines word for words. They are lost and still brainwashed by Trump and his people, no one is buying it!

As they shout Americans are losing their liberties, Jordan says, well no one is losing any liberties you can choose to go maskless if you wish and do as you wish. The CDC and Authorities are not locking you down, they are suggesting what will keep you alive. So, why are these people like Jim Jordan attacking the leading viral authority in the world public on television, to what purpose does he do so? All he is doing is making a performance and showing how ignorant he is of science and facts and putting on an act for all to see. It’s sad indeed!

Look, I am old now, I am 65, I know of polio vaccines I had them as a kid, mumps, chicken pox and others. The vaccines didn’t kill me folks, or billons of others overthe years either. I have both vaccine shots and got them in March from the Veteran’s administration. They are safe and yes we may need booster shots in the future to keep us going, but it is better to get a shot or two or three and be safe then to walk around, and run into someone with covid-19 or a variant and get sick and die! I see people running around maskless, within six feet or closer and in packs like dogs and cats. Well do what you shall folks, but I ask, are you willing to risk getting this virus and having to fight to survive and maybe ultimately dying from it? You Tell me America, a mask is light weight, social distancing doesn’t stop internet viewing or visiting, it doesn’t stop you from seeing family or friends unless you can’t pay the service to do so. But, even then, isn’t it better to stay alive then to take a chance and die?

I am a survivor of many things in my life. At 65 my body is beginning to tell me, it can’t last forever.The spinal injuries wake me each day, sometimes at 3 am, sometimes at 5 am, sometimes at 6 am, each day. My lower back, hurts, my neck kills me.I have survived my childhood, and so much more. My military life began in The US Army when I ran from home, then went to the National Guard, then the Navy for 12 years. When I finished, I had accumulated 16 years and didn’t even realize it.

There is a reason for all we do in life, as to what exactly it may be, is not up to you or me. We fail in certain areas and excel in others. We run when we must or for fun also. We take orders and do deeds, we must do to be recognized and to be loved also. Each day is a fight to get where we need to go, do what we need to do and survive long enough to see the next day. I am old now, believe it, I helped many in my life in my teens, I helped many in my life in the service too, but when your body says, enough you stop and just feel the pains of all of it.

I have lived life in ways few have ever lived it. I have seen the world through the eyes of the U.S. Military. I have seen the Med. the North Atlantic, done the Unitas cruises around South America, Crossed the Panama and Suez Canals. I am a Shell Back at least twice over in my life. I have seen the world it’s people, talked to them and made them laugh and had a good time doing so.

I have survived, men who have beaten me, loved women who have ended up hating me and loved women who would love to have been with me and never were. I have had two marriages, two daughters, two of everything there is to have in my life. I never got everything right the first time around, but I’ll be damned, I did get it right when the time was right. I even survived lung cancer in 2013.

Now at 65, my lower spine waked me daily, neck bunches up and spasms and my arms and shoulders ache and awake me. I have built stone walls, five feet tall, rebuilt house inside and out, fixed old cars and junked em too. But, let me say this to all of you.

It matters not if you sing a song, it matters not if you just get along. It matters not, what religion you believe in, it matters not what school you attended, how high you climb in society or why. It matters only that you treated lal with respect, caring, and in the end, you did what was right for the greater good of all.

At some point you will look back like I am. When you do, you may find what I have found. People will always be people, they will always want something from you, in someway. I gave all my life to others, I gave as a child, helping to raise my siblings, I gave as a teen helping my friends escape from wrongs they did, stopping them from doing wrong, and preventing damages and more.

I loved many females, some now dead and gone sadly, and some I never touched but protected because I cared. I guarded my country, I married and divorced. and then married again. If my second marriage hadn’t happened, I don’t know where, I would be.

Money isn’t everything folks, it helps, yes, to have some to lean on or to spend. Yet, in the end it comes and it goes, it ebbs and it flows. You spend it to eat, to have clothes, to buy homes and items, but, you pay in the end to survive and have to work to get it. Money is an item we save and spend, it is a device to survive by, once you figure it out in life, you are better off, indeed.

So if you reach my stage, of surviving a childhood filled with pain of beatings and shame, a life of running from it all, then finding a way to fit in. Do me a favor and remember me, my friend. My body has more aches and pains then I can stand, but my mind keeps plugging on, and it refuses to stop turning, thinking and trying to solve, life’s mysteries.

Once your body starts to go, and you find yourself alone, your mind starts to look for ways to express itself. I write for that reason folks, I am alone now, my wife, is in a Nursing Home, struggling to come home. I find myself sometimes speaking to myself, and talking to my cats. I eat easy to make food and drink, only coffee and water. The house is big and empty without her now, noise echoes in it as i move about. A cat meows and it reverberates in the air and off the walls. The water softener comes on and I jump, a refrigerator turns on and I go, what is that.

I climbed into, too many boilers, on destroyers and on oilers. I climbed into steam drums and water drums and fireboxes too. I sailed the seas and survived to come home, even after I fell and had to be brought back to walk again. I am human, I am a man.

I tell the world of my woes and problems and my wife’s condition and pray out loud she can recover and survive. I get told, don’t tell the world anything, stop telling her story to all. I am told my doing so is not right. I am at times lost, I had to step back, figure out, how to even pay the bills to keep going, and for the first time I found I had no choice. there is no other voice, here.

I get depressed, I regress, I think of the past, and then rewind my life, so fast. Did I make the right choices, did I do, the right things? Will people remember me for the good I tried to do, or will I be forgotten once I die. I do not know, but I have learned, while on the planet earth and being a part of humanity, struggling to survive and helping others along the way, is the only way, I could have gone. We are not put here to just care for ourselves, we are put here to learn to survive and get along with all. I have done so, I didn’t care who was what color, who was what race, I didn’t care, who had what money or position, I cared about getting done what was needed and caring about the ones I loved, and friended and who friended me.

I have had old enemies come out of the past to haunt me too, bad dreams, nightmares of beatings and more. I pushed them aside and hid them inside. I moved on and cast aside the bad in my past. I loved, I cared, and I lost. Survived it all, and without searching, found it again. Life goes on whether I am here or not. My children live and breathe, my grandchildren do too. I researched my past, found where my families came from on both sides. I understand the nature of what kind of man I am. Do you understand yourself, can you say the same at 65 years old? Am I saying this to be bold, or to just shout and ask for pity or mercy or help, no! I write this in pain, and pray, my wife heals and can come home. But, there is no greater lesson in life, then having to live alone!

Ok, is Joe Biden an upgrade over Donald Trump? Seems to be the question of the year so far. well my opinion is simple really, it is night and day and you can see that in the number of people vaccinated and the availability of the vaccines and the help people are getting under the Biden Administration.

That is just the beginning of course when you compare them. Many differences in attitudes and thinking and positiveness come into play. Education assistance, Assistance for people without jobs or homes. Legal actions on gun laws and more and that is the difference Biden cares, Trump was selfish and corrupt and uncaring. That is why America is better off now.

When Trump was in office the violence was twice as big as now. racial views and acts were everywhere in America. anger rose under Trump, America was isolated under Trump, that is now, no more. So, I have seen the hate trump fed and I have had to deal with it and many had to too. Happily it is gone now. As we move forward we will always have violence but it does not need to be incited and pushed and promoted by a President and Biden will not do that. Thank God!

Even in April of 2021, there are still die hard Trump supporters, they call Trumpers who are pushing his lies about the election and other things they have no business promoting of pushing. The anger they cause and the violence is not good for america as a nation period, it should be discouraged.

The Trumpers don’t get what Trump did in inciting the violence and mob at the Capital that dya, he didn’t get it himself and he choose to ignore it, even though 4 or is it 5 people have died from it all. Now, Trump can never be re-elected President in my view and i hope all of america has woken up to the facts, of what he did, by now.

Insurrection, and violence against your own Government should be a crime and trump should be charged for doing it based on his speeches and actions. I am amazed it hasn’t happened as of yet, and i hope it will happen for even an Ex-President can face charges for actions he took as President and should in this case.

Lets Accept the changes Biden has put forward, let’s do infrastructure, healthcare, vaccines and fight the pandemic together. Let Unite and fight and defend our country. Let’s not sit and fight over what Trump did or did not do, let’s move forward and unite now and forever and make America the country it should be.

Each day brings me closer to a point of no return. I know at some point I will have to make decisions regarding my own health and my wife’s also. Under The current conditions, I struggle to keep going myself, with my Melinda. I have had to figure out how to pay the bill son my own, how to separate and pack up belongings and clean the house.Cleaning up left behind messes by my wife before her injuries in her fall. Then calling her daily and finding out I can’t see her because covid-19 has restricted access to her in the facility she is in.

I try to prepare for what I am sure is coming, which will probably be the fact she may not return to the home, she left, when she fell. Life will not be the same as it was before her fall I am sure. she may need a wheelchair and not be able to walk again. We may need changes in where we live and have to reduce what we have and move. These things flash their my mind as I clean up the house we live in or I do at least for now and pay the necessary bills to keep it going.

I have to also deal with my own medical problems on top of all of the above, medical appointments are coming up for me at the Veterans Hospital. I need to be seen for my neck and back spinal injuries from my service time the discs are out of alignment and herniated, my spine is full of stenosis and arthritis. I ache and live in pain daily as I try to continue on with life. The only thing I have is the two cats I feed and water daily and pet when I can. TV brings no release for me these days, even though I pay for cable, so I may reduce the service to a basic one and get rid of the DVR I have. I am thinking basic cable will be fine for the evenings I am alone. I will keep internet access I am sure. I use it to chat with friends in Second Life and in Facebook and such. And For e-mails.

As to where we go from here and what happens next I can not be sure. I awake each day and I don’t feel normal at all my neck throbs, my lower back throbs and half of my head feels different then the other half, most of the time. But, I carry on and hope she can come home again and life can go back to normal.

As to what’s next I have no idea, anymore, I just carry-on to carry-on, because life just keeps on, whether I like it or not! When it will end, I have no idea, but I do think for me it may end suddenly, due to my physical conditions and whatever is going on with my head and brain.

Time they say, is a solution to all things, I shall have to see, for the Good Lord controls how long we live and how, so I shall rely on him and his decisions.

Ok, April 8th, 2021, Melinda is coming out of Mt. Sinai Rehabilitation Hospital, to Autumn Lake, At Buck’s Hill. in Waterbury, CT. , after three weeks. Her condition is better as far as I can tell. She has her cognitive functions returning, and her right leg has some functions. She has feeling in her leg and can move it some. It’s been a long haul since March 13th, 2021, folks.

Her new location was agreed on between myself and her daughter for her. All reports and reviews show it is a decent facility and I hope, it will do her justice.

I will be hoping they allow visitors for the patients, on a daily basis, at least two hours a day. That way I can visit her on a regular basis, and I hope they will allow rotation of visitors so her daughter can see her too as she works to come home.

There are always doubts in these cases of injuries of this kind, which include a brain bleed and loss of physical prowess or functions. There will be a lot of physical therapy for her to go through, and the rehabilitation process will continue in full swing.

As to anything else around the home< I am doing all I can to clean it up and keep it functioning in full mode. Havening been married for 21 years, it is hard at times to figure out the bill paying process and how to keep track of it on my own, but I am doing it. Each day, without her is long, boring and in the end a big house is no compensation for having someone who shares it with you. A house is only a home when you have someone you love with you to enjoy it, otherwise it becomes a large mausoleum, like an empty space that echos, when you speak. And you don’t speak really, no one to talk to anymore. I speak to the cats we have, or on the phone to someone, or sometime son the internet to people I know. Life is not the same when a spouse goes down in a terrible fall like this.

So, I shall continue on, and pray and hope she can come home soon. If not, I also have to mentally prepare myself for that possibility. So, I clean up the garbage in the house maintain what I can, do the functions to survive and pray daily. If anymore is expected from me I have no idea, I try to work in my own medical appointments and problems as I go along. There is no guarantee on anything, these days, money fluctuates, time moves on and you end up struggling by in a lonely state. Maybe, it’s what God has intended to happen is what you start thinking, and you do the best you can holding on to hope it can change back to what it was somewhat. As time rolls along, you stop and wonder is your me, will she come home, is so when? If , not when will I be told that, and what can I do on my own once that is told to me?

Anytime a spouse goes down, you wonder, you worry, you pray and you struggle the best you can to carry-on. Life is not about how much money you have folks, it not about what you own or how much, it’s about the ones you love and want near, it about the interactions, the caring, the loving and the worrying! Never forget, life is not good alone for anyone, but when you been in a relationship for along time, you no longer worry about yourself, but you do worry about your spouse, lover and friend, always.

Life has no easy answers folks, it has no easy way out or solutions to all that occurs. So, what does one do, they carry-on the best they can and pray for changes for the better in their lives. we all survive because The Good Lord lets us, his reasoning of why he put us here, are his only to know, not ours.

On March 13th, 2021, my Melinda went down at three am here. I got her up and to the hospital by Ambulance. Then she went thru three days in the ICU and a Hospital Room and then was transferred to a Rehabilitation Hospital in Hartford, here. Twice now she has been ambulanced to another Hospital for immediate care needs, blood clot in one leg, and high heart rate and temperature. Now, she is in MT Sinai Rehabilitation Hospital in Hartford, and non responsive to speech and unable to walk at all. Her cognitive abilities are not working, and her right leg is totally gone, she is 80 years old.

Now I have tried to get her help continually, and of course, speaking to Doctors, and Nurses and slowly I am watching her fade from me completely.

We built a life together over the last 28 years. 21 of those married, happily to one another, now she is gone and it does not look like she can recover at all to me.

Now since she went down, I have visited her every other day that I can, Driving the distance both ways. I am trying to care for her and myself and I am failing now myself.

My spine is shot, my neck is in serious shape disc wise and so is my lower back now. As I try to see her as much as I can, I am in need of reaching more help for her and failing here. Who do I call, how do I get her on Medicaid, and save all we built here, before the medical facilities come take everything we built. I don’t know, I am struggling with all of it.

Today is the 29th of March 2021. I am up at 3 am in pain, my spine is wracked with pain, my neck and shoulder too. Twice in the past 24 hours my left leg has gone completely numb and useless on me, and I have almost fallen, myself down the stairs in our home.

I have been dumping paperwork and magazines and catalogues left and right. Trying to clean boxes and boxes of old junk we never need, she wouldn’t let me do before. My progress is extremely slow and difficult now. I doubt, if I can keep going doing it.

The bills will need paid as they come in, the house needs emptied and sold, and I need legal protection from what is coming.

How long can I do all of it, I don’t know, the pain is not only physical now, depression is setting in from all of this and PTSD is here too. It is difficult for me to even function and survive right now, I feel like giving up and surrendering. I am not as strong as others think I am, because I don’t say anything to them. Soon, I will have to surrender myself, for I am slowly crumbling inside, I cry each day, I fight back tears and pain, hobbled, and do what I can. I am now 65 years old, fragile, hobbled and using a cane to walk these days. I don’t use it publically for fear someone will see me, and know I am in trouble and take advantage of me.

I have to call Melinda’s Doctors today, her condition is worse than before to me, she is practically catatonic, no response when she sees me now. I need to know what is next for her, and i need to leave this big cave of a home behind too. I can’t keep living in these memories or this emptiness either.

I made out an application for disabled housing and need to hand it in and see if i can get it. Then I need to move in there as soon as they tell me Melinda will not be coming home. Shut down the House, empty it, furnish the apartment once I am in. Then come back and finish cleaning out the house, and sell it.

Is there a way to find help here? I have no idea, I can only hope and pray, I dont go down soon myself, I know, I am close now.

I get questioned daily about Melinda’s conditions and her status by her daughter and sister. I have no answers for them because, the Doctors have no answers for me either. I ask and get told the same thing each time, we don’t know what her prognosis is, or if she will come back. The brain bleed from the fall, and the pressure it put on her brain is all of it, I am sure. Then, I add in the cancer she has, and the fact it is in her bones, she can’t get immunotherapy anymore for it and I am sure, it will advance in her soon. There is no treatment happening so, cancer shall ravage along.

I took pain and muscle relaxer pills at 4 am today after waking up at 3 am. I am going to call a Lawyer first thing, that I can today. Then, call Medicaid for Melinda and try to get her on it. Her Medicare is all she has and it will run out, soon enough. Once it does she will be moved to another facility probably close by me, here. I have no idea, what else I can do, at this point.

I am now, at a loss for words, and crying again. I wish to God, I had help and a way to get it all done. I pray daily, but no help, seems in sight.

As we live our lives, we tend to take things for granted. We tend to believe all of it will be there everyday of our lives and it will continue till the day we die. We don’t tend to pay attention to how fast things can change for us and all around us. And they do change fast and sudden folks.

When your living your life and it goes by easily and fast, you tend to get in the mode of this is just how it is. Then one day, one accident happens, one person dies, something changes, you lose the money to do as you please your job goes bye bye, or a disease hits. Suddenly your grasping to hold onto something, your praying someone doesn’t die, or your praying for the recovery of your loved one or ones. One accident, one fall, one moment in time, all you once had is gone or put at risk and you struggle to survive and carry on yourself.

How many realize how fast it may change, how fast what you depend upon, love and live for can disappear, until suddenly one day it happens, and your left standing alone wondering what to do next.

Decisions must be made, you suddenly have to figure out what to do next. Is that person going to be alive still, need a place to help them, or how much will it cost and how do I pay to keep them alive and safe? Questions abound how to pay the bills, can I stay in my home, do I move, what can I afford, how long will this keep going on? Is there a future for me, can I recover if i lose them, is there anyone to help me?

We don’t tend to prepare for such things as accidents and falls. Thus we find ourselves, flaying about trying to find answers, trying to survive in a sudden state of emergency and panic. Then the vultures start appearing and come around and look for what they can get out of it all. Then, as you going thru the hurt the pain, the hopes diminish, you start to go into self preservation mode, survival mode, you have no choice, to survive yourself, you must do so. You have to do whatever, it takes to keep going. It becomes protect the loved one, but protect yourself too. A mean game to play in this world.

Don’t take anything for granted folks, you will lose in the end if you do. Don’t take anything for granted or get in amode of it’s here it won”t disappear, because one day it will. Just ask me, for it has for me.

11 Days ago at 3;00 am, my wife took a fall while trying to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Since then it has been, ambulance, then Er, then ICU, then a room and a transfer to a Rehabilitation Facility. Then twice since then transfers to Emergency rooms for problems one a blood clot in her leg and the second a scare about her temperature and heartbeat being high. Then, now finally, back to the Rehab Facility.

I try to get information on her conditions and know certain things already. 1) The fall caused a brain bleed, which damaged her cognitive functions. She is slow to respond to verbal communication and has lost her abilities to do math and write properly. 2) Her right side is totally messed up, her right arm is weak, but she can use it a bit, her right leg is completely gone and not working. 3) Her memory or retention of day to day or minute to minute conversations is not happening she forgets all, almost immediately.

Today I am going to see her in a bit, and then try to talk to her Case Manager and hopefully her Doctors at the Facility. So many questions need answered now and, I don’t know if the Doctors have had enough time to give me any information on her conditions or a prognosis. I shall attempt today to meet with them, and try to get answers to my questions.

Will she be able to recover at all, she is 80 years old now? Will she be able to get her memory functions back, her cognitive abilities back in any form? Will she ever be able to walk again, will her right leg ever come back? If she doesn’t recover enough soon, how do her treatments get paid for? Will, she end up in a Long Term Care Facility or not and will she be Titled 19 or not? If so where do I put her for decent care that I and her daughter can see her, and make sure she is cared for properly?

The questions grow each day of course and the answers are not forthcoming yet, so I wait and see what I can find out and how soon. Each day, is a lonely one when someone you love and live with constantly, is injured and gone, and they are all you have had for 28 years, or more.

I worry about what do I do next, now! I am slowly cleaning up the house we own, garbage first of course old magazines, catalogs and junk mail. Then I had to learn to pay the bills using her system she set up. Feeding myself, caring for myself and two cats. Nothing seems easy anymore, nor is there any fun, to a damn thing.

Each day I tell myself, she has a chance to come back, then I bounce to the other side and say to myself no way she can recover. I want her back, and pray she can recover, but know also at 80 years old and with the damages she has from this fall, she may never come back and end up in Long Care. everything happened so fast, and now it is one day after another of questions from her daughter, from her sister, from our friends, and I don’t have the answers now, I will try and see what I can get for full information. I can’t find her Doctors yet nor have I seen them. I have not even seen her Case Manager yet, but I did get an appointment to see her after my visit today. I hope the Case Manager can tell me deeper information on her conditions and what the Doctors are saying. I hope the Doctors will come by and see me also, so I can talk to them about her possibilities to recover or come back from this. I keep requesting information but not much is being told to me.

Money will be the problem for sure, for her care and my survival also. We are not rich and I do not have endless money here, I am on a Veterans disability and social security disability and her social security period. Limited budget for sure. So, I will have to find out how she can be cared for under Title 19 and where.

I have to take it one day at a time currently, and try to get answers first, then make decisions second, and thirdly then deal with her daughter and sister. So it is all one day at a time right now.

I know if she can not return to me or our home the house must go, I can’t afford to stay in it, financially, it has to go. So, once a determination is made that she can not return home or will not return home, I must empty the house and apply for a small apartment based on my own disability pay and Social Security. There is no way I can hang on to a big four bedroom home and pay the monthly utilities and operate it. The oil heat alone will kill me. So one thing at a time is all I can do, if I sell the house all the money must be banked and saved. If she dies, She will be cremated and then buried next to her son, as her last wishes which she told me many times.

Since her fall, each day grows lonelier, each second slower and my heart breaks each moment I think of her. Will I be able to carry on without her I don’t know, I just know that I can only do one day, at a time, right now.

Things have changed for my life now, ever since my wife of 28 years, went down in a fall at 3am in the morning on a Saturday. The fall has taken her away from me now, and when I do get to see her in the Rehabilitation Hospital, she is not the same woman, I married.

Sadly, the fall caused some severe damage to her not only physically but mentally also. She thinks slower, speaks slower, and can’t fully focus mentally. She has physical problems on top of it all. Her right side is weak and she unable to stand or walk as she has lost her right leg, totally, no feeling, no ability to lift or move it, is left to her. So, she has been bed ridden since the fall and I go see her as much as I can, but I have had to adapt to life, minus her, it seems.

The void of her being gone is deafening to me! This big old house is empty, and our cats keep looking for her, they wander and look around for her and she is going on her second week gone. I wonder each day if she can make it back at all now, the brain bleed from the fall took so much of her away now. sadly, a once fully functional, smart, intelligent woman, with a great sense of humor, that I love so much, is nowa shadow of herself. How far a rehabilitation facility can bring her back is questionable to me. I know they are rated highly for their work, but she is now 8o years old, and very weak, I am surprised looking at her, that she is still alive and with the world. I feel everytime I speak or see her she is fading slowly, but fading, and if she does leave me and the world, I pray it will be painless for her.

For 28 years it has been her and I against the world, we fought to survive and we did well. We bought our home and redid it in her colors and styles and it became ours. We helped many along in their lives too, by renting rooms to people. When we finally became without others in our home, the fall occurred and the loneliness alone could get me in and of itself.

Without her, I feed myself daily, which is ok, because i have always been the cook here. But, no company to snuggle to, to hold, to help with financial matters and to pay the bills i struggle to get it done right each day. I miss the conversations, the laughter, the arguments even. Damn I just miss my wife, and that hurts!.

I get up each day and roll out of bed, and the first thing is her on my mind and she stays there all day as I call and check on her, for she is 51 one miles away now. So I call her, and we talk as long as she can, and i go see her as much as I can, every other day. So, small she seems now, so weak and fragile it scares me, but I know, if she does depart this world she is in a place, that will make and keep her safe and without pain as much as possible. I don’t want her to suffer and feel the pain, yet she is in many ways.

The physical pain is minimum right now, but I can see her mental struggles each day I see her. And for a woman who raised two children, and has one surviving right now and I am her second husband, I am losing sight of who she really is anymore, sadly.

I pray each day, some breakthrough will happen and she can walk again, but that is now becoming less a chance each day she is down this way. her right leg does not function at all and her right arm is practically useless. Her left arm is swollen up due to her cancer and lymphoma, it is useless. The weakness is bad and I can see how bad it is everytime I see her and walk into her room. The Doctors and nurses do all they can for her of course, but the outlook seems bleak to me now. This type of fall and accident for an 80 year old woman wa snot good and there was nothing I could do to stop it, and that hurts me inside.

So each day, I get up and look around an empty big old house and it is silent now, except for myself and our two cats who get up and search for her daily. They miss her and keep looking for her to come home each day when I exit and come back in. But, no, she isn’t and hasn’t come back as of yet. All I have is faith and hope and a prayer each day, that by some miracle or work of God, she can return to me. In the end I am coming to the realization, it probably will not happen, each time i see her in person. where I will go, what I will do, without her I can not imagine right now, We were always like ching and chang, one relying on the other, now I am alone and it hurts. The pain wells up and I tea rup thinking of her and missing her daily. Hanging on to hope and faith is not easy, in this case and I do pray to GOD, that if she does depart That God welcomes her fully and with open arms and keeps her safe. Until then I shall keep plowing ahead and hoping and doing all I can.