I am slowly finishing up the house clean out in Wolcott, Connecticut as items are given away or sold or junked. The House must be cleaned and then sold as all must know now from my blogs. Changes have to be made to how I live, where I live, and what is next in my life.

I am in Massachusetts, now and in my sister’s home. I have been here for a while now on and off since my wife died in August. It has been a long haul emotionally and mentally to get used to not having my wife. I wish to God she was still here on earth, but cancer is nasty and a killer and hard as hell to overcome in the end and she lost the battle we both fought for her. I wish there was more I could have done to keep her with me, but there was nothing left I could have done.

Changes are always hard to handle and do once your spouse passes away. So, I have been going one day and one thing at a time. I have even changed my look basically, by cutting all my hair off to change my appearance and style. I tried to put the picture here in this blog but was incapable of it happening for some reason. I did change many things in the last 90 plus days since she passed. My new profile pic can be found on the blog web page, on my facebook page, on twitter too. I have figured out the fact I can’t go back and get her back or do anything for her now, so I must move on alone.

November 22nd, 2021 has arrived and I woke up at 6;30 am or there about. I tried to go back to bed, but my body and mind won’t allow me to do so, right now. Sleep is something I do as needed really and I practically average around 6 hours per night these days. Making decisions, and getting rid of all I can in my house now is vital, the house itself is now on the market and going to be sold.

MY wife and I had a four bedroom, three and a half bathroom home. Let me tell you this, when you have a house this big, and live in it for 21 years and accumulate over those years, well, it is a massive job to clean it out to sell it. Even giving away what no one will pay for is hard to do. At some point shortly I must order a new dumpster for what will remain. All must go. I can’t bring old furniture and old items that are damaged to a new condominium, I want to buy. I believe I am going to go to a 55 plus condominium community, to live out my life and start over.

Anyway as time ticks on and on, I try to focus on what I must do for all to happen. I will need a new place to live first and I need to make sure the old house sells. Once that is underway and the new place is built and mine certain aspects must be cared for next. A new refrigerator for the new place, new furniture for it too. Then once done, I will need a new vehicle to make sure I can get to Doctors, dentists and appointments of all kinds. Visiting others as necessary, and getting to the stores I need for food and clothing and such.

I know I will probably set my heat at 70 degrees in my home and try to stay comfortable in warmth. I hate cold these days, due to arthritis and inflammation of my joints and body. If I stay warm enough I should be fine.

As we age our bodies wear down, the injuries I incurred over the years in the military act up nowadays. Six Herniated Discs in my spine, PTSD, then I deal with High Blood Pressure and type 2 diabetes too and sleep apnea. Will I be able to live alone again after 28 years with my wife now that she is gone? Time will tell shortly.

I noticed how people I helped over the years with my wife and for my wife, and her asking, just seemed to disappear from my life after her death. For 18 years we gave to her grandchildren’s education and college funds. I never received a thank you from them or their parents either. We did things for her grandchildren and daughter I never did for my own and yet, no calls, letters, or anything from any of them, towards me. There was no hesitation though on the daughter’s part and her sister’s part to ask for items as she died. I want this and my aunt wants that, was very disrespectful to me and my wife’s memory too. I will never understand it at all, the daughter makes well over 200 grand a year, yet like a vulture over a dying carcass, she circled and requested and demanded leftovers and material items. Why? Who in their right mind, temperament and writes the surviving spouse and lists what they want? I have no idea folks, but it happened in this case. I would never expect it and didn’t and in the end it just angered me and upset me. Then after I buried my wife, and I fell apart, and had to be hospitalized for depression, I was accused of blocking the daughter’s phone number and not talking to her. In fact while in the hospital, my cell phone was taken from me and not charged. Did the daughter even think I may be hospitalized and not able to pay for my cell phone bill, no!

Too many times I was questioned by the daughter on what I did for my wife and to keep her alive. Every time my wife got worse I called the daughter and let her know to keep her informed. Right up until the end, I informed the daughter of her mother’s condition and deterioration from the cancer we fought. Each time i was questioned for what I did, or what was happening, it was sad.

In the end I can say this regarding my wife’s condition and the care I gave her. I made the right decisions at each stage of the process and her decline. I took her to Doctors, MRIs, Cat Scans, Chemo, Radiation treatments, I pushed her in wheel chairs and took her to immuniotherapy too. I bought a stair lift, I bought ramps, I bought wheel chair and walkers and rollators to help her get around. I carted her to bed when she needed to sleep too. I fed her, dressed her, and cleaned her. I did it all for her and no one said thank you from her side of the family.

When the ending started, she came home to hospice with me, no one else was there to care for her. I called my sister and she and I tended to my dying wife until she passed. We did all we could to keep her alive as long as we could when she came home to hospice. I loved her dearly and always will, and told her so many time as she died. She responded after she came home one time and told me she did not want me to go through all of it, I told her I was not going anywhere period. I told her I loved her and she told me she loved me too. When she came home I had no choice but to sign a DNR for her. A DNR is a Do not Resuscitate Order and she knew it too, she acknowledged it verbally to me when it happened.

Maybe I am foolish, maybe I am emotional, maybe I react too much I don’t know. But I do know this much, I miss my wife and always will and I will love her to the day I die and join her. Until that happens I must carry on alone and do what I can to live out my own life in the best way possible. What the future will bring for me and how my life goes, I have no idea, just that I am now here and she is gone.

Slowly and surely, time ticks on for all of us and we are limited in our time on earth and in this life we have. Humanity does not as of yet have a way to expand our own lifetimes, even if we wish we did. So we try to be prepared for when we die, by leaving something to those we left behind. We tend to leave homes, cars, furniture and anything that helps the ones we leave behind financially. We tend to want to keep those we leave behind in better shape then they were before, which is what we all want for our families and friends, we love. It is how we are taught in life, believe me.

Anyway, sometimes, people wait too long before they decide to write a Trust or Will and improperly do it or give, to some people who don’t need it or don’t deserve it at all. Yet in the end their wishes still get covered and done. We honor the one who died in that way in humanity, it is a tradition.

I know when I pass from this existence to whatever the next will be, I want what I own in money or material belongings to go to those who helped me survive as long as I can. I appreciate my family, my friends who thought of me through y life and who are there helping me. I tend to give back to the ones who count in that way.

Pets sometimes get money and taken care of because of their loyal ways and for the companionship they provide. People tend to laugh at those who do it that way, but, they do it because they count on the pets and the pets count on them too. Life is a circle and we attach ourselves to pets, friends and lovers and our families. It is natural to do in human life.

Anyway enough on these thoughts for now. I am working on all I need to do since my wife passed away from cancer on August 10th, 2021. Each day has been a struggle in and of itself. I miss my wife big time and I know there will never be a way to bring her back. I have come to accept it now and try to deal with it each day. Doesn’t mean I will ever forget her, because i never will. IT is now over 90 days since her death and 90 days since I buried her. Hard for me to believe, but it is so now.

When she died on August 10, 2021, I was left alone in the house we shared for 21 years. I almost committed suicide during that time and if my sister had not helped me I probably would not be here, now. Then she left me to prepare for my wife’s burial, I arranged it all fine and I held on till my sister returned after ten days. Then we buried my wife and I came back to the house and my sister left. At that point I lost it and came extremely close to committing suicide as i contemplated it by running out into the street numerous times. What saved me?

I was in a chatroom on the internet talking about committing suicide and the people in it told me to get help. They recommended I contact the Veteran’s Hospital and ask for help, I did. I spent ten days in a ward for depression, trying to deal with my wife’s death and my loss. When I got out my sister came for me and took me to her home, keeping me alive. My sister has kept me alive now by keeping me around her in her home. I thank her for that.

As to my wife’s family she left behind when she passed, I have had no contact with any of them. Her daughter does not call to ask how I am, neither does her grandkids or her sister. Sadly, I guess, they don’t think of me, or care about me, so loneliness can set in and sadness over all I did for them over the years. I gave to her grandkids college educations, I gave to her daughter also and her sister and brother in law too. But, I get no respect or acknowledgement of any of that from any of them. I guess they thought my wife was providing all they got from her and i, they are wrong period.

One last thing I wish to mention here, the daughter of my wife and her first husband said she was shocked and surprised how fast my wife died. It wasn’t fast, it was slow and painful for her, and we worked for 16 years of her life to keep her alive. The cancer wasn’t sudden it was constant period. So many years of Doctors, medicines, treatments, tests, scans. Chemo. Radiation, then in the end immunio-theraphy. The cancer spread in her body going from breast cancer, to bone cancer then into her blood stream and then into her brain, which ultimately took her from me. I did all I could do to keep her alive, for all those years, and in the end I brought her home to die in her own home with me by her side. It wasn’t her daughter, her sister, her grandchildren with her when she died, it was my sister and me. Now, all I want to remember are the good times and good memories I had with her and to move on on my own and live out my life in a decent, comfortable way. God Bless All!

Saturday November 20th, 2021 is upon me. It is now 120 days since my wife was buried. I think of her a lot these days on and off and I push ahead in life alone, in the only way one can, day by day. Yes I miss her chatter, her talking to me, us watching tv and more. Yes I miss her console and decision making also. There is no changing a thing, and she is gone and no one can bring her back to me, ever. That said, I am making progress at cleaning out our old home and putting it up for sale next. One day at a time is all one can do.

I knew before my wife died, that certain relationships would end. Her family, for one, I have heard not a word from, since her burial. Her daughter sent her own daughter to an estate sale, to see what we were selling and to see what the girl could get for herself. After I told that daughter not to show up at the estate sales we had to do.

Then we have the sister, who with the daughter sat around her sister’s hospice bed in my home and talked over her dying sister about what she could get, out of my house, before my wife actually died. That my friends is just not right at all. Then this woman, my wife’s sister wants to know why I don’t bother calling her and talking to her, sad.

I know when my mother died in 1991, all of her children who were available, were there. We didn’t take our children on vacations or trips, we didnt go skiing, and leave her alone till she died, we were there. I found it highly disturbing to me, that the daughter and her children didn’t bother to be there.

Anyway, like i said the only time I heard from the daughter was when she wanted something after or during the time her mother died. She even sent me a list of items she wanted out of my home, after her mother passed. Who does that? In the end, I full filled her list and more and since she picked up it up, not a word from her or her kids. They have my e-mail and cell phone number, but not one calls to ask how I am doing. But the daughter did call to try to get all she wanted out of the home and to argue over, my, not letting her in the house. The whole situation was sad to me and I have no choice in all I do, next.

Father Time does not stop the clock from ticking, Mother Nature pays attention to no one either. facts don’t change and in the end neither do people. We live our lives around the people we like or enjoy and we avoid those we find disturbing, and argumentative or outlandish. We tend to move away from problem, uncaring or selfish people and we keep going in our own lives, till we die. I don’t like greedy people either, it’s sad.

I awoke once more this am at around 5:30 am. For me sleep has been a commodity, I can’t find much of these days, especially since my wife passed in August. Doesn’t matter if I stay busy or not all day or stay up late watching television, I just seem to wake, early. I took medication to sleep and still woke up early. I average maybe 6 hours a night these days. It is amazing to me that I am still alive at this time, yet here I be, trying to clean out and sell our home and find a new place to live for me alone.

Life has too many twists and turns and surprises and I tire of it all daily. How much can one man at 65 take and survive on his own? I don’t really know folks, but with back and neck pain daily and at night, breathing difficulties when I sleep, PTSD from childhood and military, what is one to do? Many ex-service members suffer from PTSD and injuries from when we served, it becomes a part of our lives once we are discharged. Just because we don’t complain much or show it much does not mean we don’t have these problems, just means we have learned to live with them, ask any disabled veteran and you will know then.

When you get to 65 years old, your aches and pains and injuries haunt you daily, they just don’t stop. You tend to live with them, adapt to them and be careful of them, you have to to keep going. I love it when those who are family, try to pull you in different directions or take advantage of you in hope of gaining from you financially or otherwise. I am not rich and my children will have to wait until I pass for anything to happen. Just a fact is what I say.

Each day I awake, I try to get the time straight to know it, and then I climb out of bed, put on some clothes and head for the coffee pot. That is probably the same for many ex-military members no matter what branch they served in. Coffee became a staple in my life in The Army, Army National Guard and Navy. You gather habits and needs as you age and tend to stick to what works for you. Life just works that way doesn’t it, I think so.

Well, having to adapt to life without my wife has not been easy, she is gone over 90 days now and I, still awake sometimes looking for her. She is still on my mind and in my heart each day I am alive. Yes I miss her deeply, but, I also know, there is no bringing her back to me. So I try to push through each day and night and pray I make it on my own at least for survival purposes.

I am lucky to be here really still. If I had not reached out when I did, I would have crawled into the bed with my wife and went with her. I reached out in a few ways, first I reached out in a online chat room, then I listened to those people who told me to seek help, so I called The Veteran’s Hospital and thirdly and most importantly I reached out, to my sister. Without any of those three resources and people, I would not be alive today. I know there must be a purpose for my being here still, if not the Good Lord would have recalled me too by now. Finding the purpose for my being here is right now my mission in a way. Am I here to write about my wife’s struggle through cancer or my own, am I here to tell military stories to people or to write a book? Am I here to meet someone and help them, or they to help me, I don’t know. I do know that all humans and animals are here for some purpose/reason the Good Lord intended for each of us to accomplish before we perish from the earth.

When you find yourself alone, and you stop to think, many things come to mind. Like why am I still here, should I be here and doing something? Or how do I do something I need to do to have a place to live or survive on my own? Even simple choices become difficult for you, like, what to eat, when to get to a Doctor, do I go out to keep myself busy and entertained, what can I do to survive and keep going? No decision seems small, or causal, it all seems hard to decide and do when you are alone. Others will say, it isn’t, because they have friends and family who help them through all of these things. But when you end up alone, because you were widowed suddenly, it gets tough. I just hope to find my way, and be able to do what I must till my time comes.

Choices we all make come into play folks, as we go through life. We make choices each day, who do we get in a relationship with, what kind of a relationship, the wheres and the whens ,of events we are in, or even the places we live in. How do we react to different situations, places, people and more all comes ,into play in life, doesn’t it? Many times in my past I have said this and people think I am full of it, I never expected to live past 40 years old, my life was such that I survived it. Life is not about, just you or yourself, it is about all the others around you too.

When we die, and pass on to the next place we go, whether it is to heaven, hell or in between, what will we be remembered for here on earth by other human beings? People don’t remember you for the house you owned, the property you owned or material things. They remember you for how you interacted with them and others, were you kind, were you generous, were you patient, were you considerate of others or polite? It all comes into play doesn’t it?

Always remember as you go through life each day, when you are gone what will they say about you? Unless, you just don’t give a damn about what others may think or believe about you, it is a choice you have to make.

Today, the QA non Shaman was sentenced to 41 months in prison for following Trump’s directions on January 6th, 2021 and entering the capital and doing the damage he did and others too. Now I ask a simple question as The Shaman now knows and Mark Meadows will and so will Steve Bannon, they will be paying for Lawyer Fees of their own and spending time in a jail cell for Trump and his beliefs and all he asked them to do. Contempt of Congress is a charge that has punishments to it for sure. Other people who took part in the January 2021 Insurrection and Attack on the Capital and chasing of Senators and Congressmen and women. So I ask now why did they follow, Trump’s directions and why didn’t Trump pay their lawyers or fines?

Trump followers who took part in the events of January 6th, 2021, must now start to look at themselves and what they did and why they did it, and why Donald J. Trump is doing nothing to help them. I think they may find out in the near future as they each get convicted and spend time in jail, that the blind loyalty they gave to Trump and his ideas, has cost them many things. So, why do they still think he can run for President again? He shouldn’t be allowed to, period.

No President in American History has ever incited an Insurrection Against his own Country in this way. No President failed at everything he attempted to do either, and in the end no President in American History ever before or since has been twice impeached on one term, Trump was!

If Trump is allowed to run again it will not b ea victory dance for the Republicans in 2024, it will be a defeat period, so if I was a Republican Party Leader I would look for a new candidate, for 2024 for president. How many people will now be spending time in prison and be paying fines or both, because Trump incited and directed them to storm the capital?

I ask Mark Meadows, Rudy Giuliani, The QA non Shaman, and others who did as Trump directed one question, why are you paying for what Trump told you and encouraged you to do, but, Donald J. Trump is not? Do you think it is fair to you as his loyal followers who did his bidding on January 6th, 2021, to be spending your money on lawyers and spending time in court rooms and in prison and, he not to be? Be real folks, following Trump blindly is not paying off for your reputations, your wallets or futures, is it?

Sadly, people who worked their lives to build their reputations and careers, have now lost them because they believed in Trump and followed his directions. As their lives and reputations and wallets empty, maybe they will realize Donald J. Trump doesn’t care about them, he only wants his way. And you ,followers are the one’s paying the high price for it all. When Mark Meadows can’t work in government anymore, or Rudy Giuliani can’t practice law anymore who is responsible for it, Donald J. Trump. Is he going to return these individuals reputations, or pay their lawyer fees or do something to prevent them from serving time in prison? No he isn’t and I now wonder what the QA non Shaman thinks knowing he must served 41 months in a cell. Don’t you wonder now why they did as Trump told them to?

The false claims of election fraud and more has divided America and caused close scrutiny on all elections for the future in America. You will more than likely end up with someone standing next to you next time you vote for President, making sure your vote is legal and true. Is that the way Americans want it? It is coming because Trump pushed his false claims and caused it, no one, else did.

Trump’s life is a big picture of failures of all kinds and sadly now, people have to pay a price for what he did and said and directed. Sad isn’t it.

Some thoughts for today, November 17th, 2021. This morning I awoke around 5:30 am, even though I went to bed around 11 pm the night before. Sleep is not something that comes easy to me since my wife’s passing. It is hard not having my wife to talk to, bounce questions off of and be with. I have no choice in all I do now, for I cannot hang onto the past and the dreams we shared.

Time I am told will make it easier for me to carry on alone, and emotionally I must learn to deal with it all. It is so hard to move on from a long marriage to a new beginning as a widower. One has to learn to pay the bills on their own, how to empty a house and sell one and move on from it all. Some may think it is easy, I don’t, I struggle with being alone and isolated, especially in the home we shared for so many years. Memories flood me when I am there, so I try to not stay as much and sell it as fast as i can.

Anyway, let me move on from my loss of my wife and all in my life for now. I have been watching the news and so has most of us. The Rittenhouse case is dominating it right now. Now while i agree, this man should never have taken a rifle to the location he did, in the end though he is a child still, especially at the time it was done. IT will be a transitivity if they convict him, and give him prison time. He had no intention of killing anyone, and did what he did out of self-protection for himself. I think it is vastly unfair for the Court or Judge to try for lesser charges to be applied to his case or considered at this stage. The Prosecution charged him as is and to drop the charges or change the charges at this stage is grounds for dismissal, or a new trial period in my mind. Plus, if they convict him and put him in prison, they will be destroying any chance he has at a life, prison will not help him, medical help may be the way to go, therapy of some kind I say.

Next subject, politics and justice. Donald J. Trump is now an ex-president and I remind all who back him or try to protect him or get him reelected, he is a loser. Donald J. Trump failed at selling water, he failed at selling steaks, he failed at running hotels and so much more. Trump failed at being President too, he broke so many laws and norms. What accomplishments did Trump have as President, one, he changed the tax laws for himself and his rich friends. Otherwise he has no accomplishments as President period. What problems did he bring though, well, those are numerous.

No President in American History did what Trump did folks! No prior President cried unfair or cheating, or this it was rigged, the election they lost. Trump did, No Prior President incited a riot/ insurrection, against the American Congress and Government they were leading. No President got Impeached in one term twice ever in American History, Donald J. Trump did. Donald J. Trump failed to fight Covid-19 properly, he failed to dispense the vaccine and so much more. So why do people put their lives and reputations on the line to protect and defend him? I still have no idea why men like Rudy Giuliani, Steve Bannon, Mark Meadows are protecting this man! What purpose do they have in what they do, except to show loyalty to a man, who doesn’t care two bits about them at all?

You won’t see Trump paying to help defend these people who support him! He doesn’t care about them really, they put their asses on the line defending and protecting him and promoting Trump and for what purpose? I get the fact while Trump was in Office he raised their profiles for them, but he’s gone now and I doubt if Americans will ever want him back and if they do it would be stupid. If you want to know stupid, just look back at the trump Presidency I say. This man was President, and recommended to Doctors on public television we all inject ourselves with bleach, talk about stupid, ignorant and worthless.

Look, no president is 100 percent great, or 100 percent bad, but if there was ever a President who will go down in History as the worse President it is Donald J. Trump period. He did nothing for anyone except himself and his rich buddies. Name anything good he did, and don’t tell me he built a wall between us and Mexico, that’s bullshit he never finished it. What other accomplishment did Trump have besides passing his tax law? Nada ,folks, nada!

I know many are now condemning Joe Biden for the economic mess, we are in right now, I remind all, that Biden is not responsible for it all. Yes, he is not perfect no one is, and yes he is old and probably will not run for a second term, but in his sleep Biden makes Trump look like a piece of crap, in my opinion.

Now as Bannon, Meadows, Giuliani and more face contempt charges and so much more in his name, what is Trump doing to help them, nothing! He is not going to pay for their defense, he is not going to go to court and testify in their cases for them. So what benefit is it to these men and women who support Trump to do so, please tell me! I am still wondering what his backers who got arrested at his Insurrection he pulled off, think now as they go to prison for years at a clip, in his name for doing what he said to do. Tell me QANON, Tell me others who backed and participated in his insurrection, how do you like prison and fines and records you accumulated backing Trump and doing what he said to do now? Are you still proud of doing as he told you to? Are you smiling as you eat prison food or are in a jail cell, or have to pay millions in court costs and lawyers fees now? My best you’re not! I bet now you are asking yourselves, what the hell did I do listening to what Trump told me to do? I bet your lives are in good shape now from blindly being loyal to Trump!

I find it intensely foolish and stupid of the Trump Followers like Steve Bannon, and others who may face prison time, fines and more for contempt of congress for refusing to testify at the January 6th, Hearings. Why do I find it foolish and stupid on their part it is simple, it will cost them thousands of dollars to keep themselves out of prison and their reputations to support and back Donald J. Trump, and Trump will not repay them or pick up their legal costs, nor will he stand up and stop their arrest. Sadly, Trump doesn’t care about Bannon, or anyone else who supports his cause which is a lie of course for he can never overthrow Biden’ Administration, nor can he use an Executive Privilege he does not have anymore to save them. As they face charges in courts and arrest, Trump sits home and watches it all, yelling the election was rigged or stolen and he lost by such a large margin it is crazy to say otherwise. Others are going under too as time goes on, as we all will see.
Rudy Giuliani for one is in the biggest mess of his life right now due to Trump and Rudy supporting him. He is facing charges and has lost his right to practice law in New York and other places. Yet these men and people want to back Trump still and blindly follow him, for what reason? Someone tell me please? Because, Rudy was once a great man and politician, loved and respected in New York and across the United States now people shake their head, and laugh at him. It is sad thing to see for sure. Trump Chief of Staff, for his presidency will most likely face the same as Bannon, Mark Meadows is going down the same road ignoring Congressional Subpoenas. These are men who worked all their lives to build reputations and careers, and they are throwing them away, for Trump, and going to end their lives in disgrace, standing by a disgraced, twice Impeached ex-President? Sad indeed! I remind all, Trump has no Executive Privilege Powers, he is an ex-president who failed at all he touched and did. So why do all this protection of Trump and risk prison, fines and more for a twice Impeached and Disgraced Trump? I don’t know for sure, but there is a point one must push aside any loyalty and support for such a man, to save ones own life and reputation. That’s my belief!

How long can Trump keep up his pretense of his big lie? How long will Americans and the American Government back or allow his lies to exist without stepping in to stop it all? The Justice Department is working at it now I am sure under Mercek Garland, as shown by the arrest for not answering Congress. It is in my opinion foolish for grown men and women who fought all their lives to be heard, respected and to build decent reputations, to put all of it on the line for Trump. You are throwing your whole life’s work aside and your reputations too, for what purpose, to support Trump? That folks is a sad, sad fact these individuals should face and realize.

I believe and I think most Americans want the truth about January 6th, and all that happened. I encourage the January 6th Committee to find all the facts and reveal it all to Americans everywhere. If they don’t Trump, may attempt to run again and destroy America! We have had now 46 Presidents in America, of those 46, not a one before Trump or after incited a riot and attempted a coup because he lost the election, Who is going to pay for the repairs to the Capital, it’s buildings and it’s priceless art work? Tell me folks, is it right to participate in such an act against the American Government, led and incited by the sitting President at the time? I think not!

My blogs are my opinions and I wish to state that upfront. They are not anyone else’s. I feel this way and I have the right to free speech to do so too. Now some will disagree and attack this blog or what I say in some way, but in the end I have had my say on this subject more than once. So God Bless All and I hope Congress Indicts and Arrests each person who refuses to testify before it, for no man, whether an ex-President, or a common citizen is above the laws of the land.

November 15th, 2021 has arrived it is morning again, and I awoke in pain today. My body aches from my spine, to my shoulders and my hip and back. Falling in the Navy has brought me pain, and injuries and I just keep perking like a coffee pot on high at times. Some may ask how I do it, my tolerance for pain has grown over the years now, and I awake each day and sometimes night, from it all. Today I awoke at 4 am, laid awake for an hour before I decided I couldn’t lay there anymore and went and soaked myself in a hot shower to loosen up the muscles and the spine. I hope it is just my spine causing my problems, but I suspect it may be a lot more. I have pain in my arms and neck and spine and now hip on the left side too. What is causing so much of it I have no idea, but I was recently reminded, that I had cancer too and to be careful about it.

I wonder at times how much longer I have on this planet before I go and join my wife. Between the loss of her and my health I feel like my body is failing me and so is my emotional well being these days. I am not superman, I am human, and at some point it all must end for me I know.

Anyway, back to current issues, the house I shared with my wife is now almost empty but has a bit to go. Donations is where it will go more than likely, I shall be investigating them shortly and setting up a time for AmVets or something like it to get the remainder out of the house and empty it for sale, sake. It must go. Once completely empty, I can have the carpets cleaned and the house sold in as is shape and let it go. I must do so, I can’t keep it.

I need to contact my Lawyer on some issues to do with my wife’s probate case, like clearing the car and home from her estate so I can sell both as fast as I can. Then I need a Real Estate Agent to sell the house for whatever I can get, and put the money aside for a new place for me. The process is taking a while to get done and slowly it is taking my life’s energy from me.My spirit has been lagging since my wife died and I don’t expect it to regain any strength anytime soon. I know I am slowly going down hill as I age and I can feel it each day.

Time waits for no one, as I have said before and neither does one’s health. We get older and we experience more pain and aches and conditions, that’s for sure. I know it because I live it daily, especially now that my wife is gone.

What comes next for me is still a question I must face. I keep looking for a place to live and buy and then move what I can here. As I keep trying to empty the house and move on, I wonder how long I may have left in my life. I am 65 and my health is not the greatest, my pains and aches increase and my abilities decrease daily. I have no control over how long I live, but how long can one last, by oneself, once a spouse has died on you?

Well the days are messed up for me as my sleeping is too. I wake,early and then pass out sometime later. Then I wake up and do it all over again. I really have a hard time sleeping and get tired, easy, due to it during the day. I suppose it is more noticeable now with my wife gone, but, I can’t do much about that, can I? I can wish her back, but in the end, it doesn’t help me to deal with my current conditions or problems, does it?

Facing each day is not the same anymore for me, without my wife. It is a lonely road I am traveling now and I feel it daily as my pains mount. Arthritis has set in and I don’t eat regularly anymore, only when hungry. At some point, I suppose it will all catch up to me and I will go down in a heap. How soon I don’t know, I just know it will happen one day and be over with. I know it is not a great outlook is it and it sounds depressing to anyone who, reads this or hears me. But, I am a realist, I only know what I know and take it the way I see it. Peace shall come, when the good Lord decides it is my time. My body is telling me it is coming, but it takes it’s time doesn’t it.

Well, I don’t want to sound too depressed or down on my luck, but, it will not be easy to go forward for me. I am reaching the end of one lifetime I had with my wife as the house empties and I prepare to find a new place to go to. Leaving behind 28 years of a relationship/ marriage is not easy when the spouse dies. I honestly wanted to crawl into the bed with her and go with her. I almost did. Sometimes I stop and wish I did go with her, but then the fact that I am still here on the planet earth, makes me go on. Humanity had no control over life and death, only the Creator or Good Lord, or as some call the supreme being, God, does. That will never change folks, for we do not know why we are here, what our purpose is really, or what we are to accomplish while here. And we definitely do not know, when we shall depart the world or the life we have in us expires, it just does.

In Life we all go through stages and parts that are rough, hard or emotional in some way. I am currently at a hard stage for myself, I lived with my wife who died, for 28 years, 21 of them in the same house. I am at a stage now, after her death in August of 2021, that I have to finish emptying my home. Now it is with great regrets and memories I do so and I would never, give up my memories of my time with my wife there. Yet, I know now, with her gone, I have to move on no doubt, so I do so with a feeling of loss and hesitation so to say. People only live so long and I know at 65, I have no idea when my time shall come to pass also, but, I do know I cannot stay in the house I shared with her all those years. The memories flood back to me each time I enter the house or property, so it is tough on me emotionally. Stages of life happen for all of us folks, for instance we go from adolescents to teen years, then teen years to adult years. When we reach adults then we tend to take care of ourselves and get in relationships with others we fall in love with. Marriages happen and they end sometimes in divorces, sometime in rthe death of the spouse you loved for so long. The hardest part of it all is you have no choice in letting it go, they rae not there to hang onto anymore or be with anymore. It isa stage for me that tells me I am entering probally the finals tages of my own life at 65 years old. My sister thinks i will live longer and be fine, but history and human nature says when a spouse dies and there is one left behind like I am, we tend to follow the one we loved in a short time. If that happens to me, I want all to know I have led a decent life and did all I could for all I knew in it.

I was never given a chance by many as I grew up, because i suffered from many illnesses, such as Attention Deficit Disorder, Hyper-Activity, Physical Abuse from my childhood and PTSD also, from childhood and military life. have survived lung cancer in 2013, I watched my parents die of cancer and my stepfather too. Now my wife is gone from it also and it makes me sometimes depressed and emotional to even think of it. I can honestly say, after 65 years of life I have lived a pretty full one for sure.

I have had two of everything in my life, from two marriages, two daughters, many homes and two military careers too. I served my parents as a son and babysitter for my younger siblings. I served Uncle Sam not in one branch of service, but in three, Army, Army National Guard and Navy. I did all I could for my friends i have known since I was a teenager and few can say they have friendships over 45 years old, but I can. Let me say this to all who know me, I have never intentionally harmed any human being in my life and I would rather walk away from a fight than even think of having one or throwing a punch. I have lived a non-violent life actually on my part, but suffered violence from others to me. Yet, I would not give a day of my life up, nor do I regret any of it.

If I seem hesitant to empty the home I shared with me now deceased wife and sell it, it is because of the memories we shared in it. The time has come for me to try to walk over, jump over or go around this obstacle of the home we shared. It will not be easy for me, but in the end i must do so, very soon and sell the home we shared to someone else and move on, alone.

I do not wish to be a burden to anyone, especially my sister in any way at all. I thank her for being there with me through my wife’s death and now allowing me to stay with her in her home as I go through all I am now. I thank her man,Arman ,also for all he has done to help me, advise me and guide me. Life is full of surprises and sudden events, I know it and so should all of us who live it. I have struggled in life to overcome many obstacles, and have trumped over many things. I have been a lucky man in many ways.

I think I have now hit a critical stage of my life, the ending stage really. I have no idea how long I shall survive my wife’s passing or how long my life may be, in the end. I do know, I have never hurt anyone and never will. If i die today or tomorrow, or in the near or far flung future, I just know I have always tried to do what is right. I hope I have for all who knew me or know me. If I didn’t do right by someone I am sorry, I tried the best. In the end, I look at life as a cherished event I am living through on this plane of existence on this plane, we call, earth. I haven’t been perfect, no person is, we are all human and we make mistakes we may regret in our lives, but we deal with them and do the best we can. I know I have. So, as i go forward now I do so one day at a time, one thing at a time and hope I can accomplish an end to my own life that will be remembered, and fateful for myself and all I love and care about. I have loved and lost and I have gone on and will do all I can to try to live my life to a decent ending for me and all I love and have loved. I just hope and pray, my ending will be peaceful and I can live it out, in some pleasure and comfort somehow! I hope that in and of itself is not asking the Good Lord for too much.