September 17th, 2021, I awoke early again and it seems even medications do not keep me asleep these days, I still got around 7 hours of sleep tho. Not bad really for me.

Well, the first anniversary without my wife alive passed yestererday on the 16th. I spent it, just watching television and chatting on this computer. I am redearching places to live, around my sister in Rehoboth, Mass. here, a state Ihave no idea about rerally, except those I have met, are friendly here. So time will tell really.

As I said before, slowly but surely, the house I shared with my wife is being cleaned out, and my sister and her man are helping me do so, a little at a time. For 21 years I could not get a car in my two car garage, now it is set up for a wstatw sake for a tag sake situation next. One room or arera at a time is what we are doing and it takes time to know what to sell, keep, or throw away. Every item must be looked at and taken care of.

Somethings you tend to dread when moving out of a place you lived in for a long time with someone you love. For instance, her clothes, her jewlery, her personal stuff she hid or loved. Decisions must be made on the spot to either keep them, sell them or junk them. I have already thrown out over 30 big green garbage bags of stuff, and filled a huge dumpster and had it hauled away. A second dumpster awaits today.

Then once i empty the house and clean it up, the next step is the sale of it. I need to sell it, pay off all bills, and find aplace where I am going. One thing at a time is all I can get done. I have in concert with my sister and her man, set up a system of sace, sell, tag sake and throw away now. And it seems we have only just begun, how long it will take I have no idea. Selling it will I hope be pretty quick but time will tell.

Each day is an adventure in someways for me, I don’t have my wife ro bounce things off of now, and I have to gandle the bills as they come in and pay them. Then, slowly clean up and throw away all the garbage and more as we go along. MY plan is to basically, clean it out room by room and then clean it and sell it.

I want to buy a condo or find a decent apartment I can live in for the rest of my life. The idea is one move and thats it ,if I can. I have been looking at possible locations and the prices for what I seek of course. In someways I know I do not need much for me, a one bedroom, will be fine. I looked at condos online and even mobile homes in the arera too. Depends on what I get for the house of course, as to what I can afford and where. I would prefer something big enough and able to hold heat ,in Mass of course. I saw a few places I liked, but again money and timing and location is vital, I want comfy, but also a safe neighborhood. Being 65 now, and a widower, I don’t need any problems going forward.

As time marches on I know, unlike others, I am not loved by all who know me, some believe I am too rough edged or too curt, or too rude for them. I am 65 folks, let me say this, I know when to be polite or nice and when to be straight forward and more, I usually am easy going with all. Time will march on, I know it and i also knpw my final days are nearing, some think I will live till I hit my 90s, I don’t. My parents survived till they were 55 and 59, respectfully, and both died of cancer. In the end, I don’t know how long I have left, but what I want to do is settle in, in a new location, meet new people and livea peaceful life till I die. Is it asking too much, after helping my wife survive cancer for 16 years and going theough her death? You Tell me folks!

September 16th, 2021, a day has dawned again and rain is here where I am. I got a cup of coffee so far and have settled into a chair to drink it so far. I took a look at my Facebook page and CNN to see what is happening in the world. It seems not much happens that is any good these days.

Anyway, today would have been our Anniversary, but, my wife as all know did not make it this far. Yes I miss her and there is not much more I can say, I shall love her till I die, but, I can’t join her till my time comes. Each day I awake, I know in my mind there is something I am supposed to do still left in this world or I wouldnt be here still. so I go on day by day.

Life is a mystery for sure as the heavens open and rain falls upon the planet. Why are we here, what is our purpose in being here has always been a question I have asked. I will never know for sure, but, I do know that we are here for some purpose each of us. Call it fate, call it destiny, or what you wish, once we do what we were intended to do here on earth, I believe we are recalled by the Good Lord.

Our bodies, are shells that house our spirits only and we use them to do what we need to daily when awake or asleep. They are not made to last forever, but the design of them is such that we last long enough to touch others in many ways. Age becomes a factor of course, then you throw in diseases and well, I didn’t design the world or us, but you can get my thoughts on the matter, I am sure.

I never thought once in my life, I would end up a widower at 65 years old. Yet here I am. I miss her dearly and always will, till I die. Yet I also know she is better off where she is, no more pain from her cancer, no more needles, IVs, chemos or radiations, no more cat scans, MRIs, no more Immunio theraphy. Her pain is now gone like she is, to me.

I know in my heart and mind and soul I did what was right by my wife. Yet it does not take away the feeling of loss I feel or how much I miss her. For those of us, who have lost spouses, or loved ones, we understand the memories come and affect us and we understand it all.

As time marches forward as I said before so must I now without her. Her legacy to me, is me. We made a promise when we married all those years ago, to learn and grow from each other and to love till we died or one of us did. I have held to that promise and she did too. Her legacy lives on in, spirit, in me and her daughter and grandchildren too. Each of us have a part of her in us, in our own way.

Life is a mystery as the song says folks. We know not why we are here on earth, why we interact with whom we do, or what our real purpose is, but, we manage to find our way. Each of us is unigue, different and in the end yet the same, no matter what color, race, nationality, we may be. For in the end, we all laugh, we all cry, we all hurt, we all sigh, we all bleed and it is red for all of us, for we are mankind. I tire of racist and bigots and fools who fight wars for no real reason other than greed. I tire at times of news reports of animals who call themselves human beings, yet have lost their humanity by doing deeds, that no one should do.

Humanity is far from perfect folks! All of us have our faults, all of us have our problems or difficulties in life. Yet, in the end, are we not all the same in all ways? We are humans, we feel, we hurt, we laugh, we act out of reason, we try to do what is right we don’t always, but we try. Humanity is far from perfect, and in the end so am I. I hurt, I cry and in the end I am still here for some reason I do not know or understand. Whether it is God’s wishes, destiny, fate or another reason, I do not know or undertand. What I do undertand is I am still here, so the future is in front of me still, no matter my age or conditions.

What does the future have in store for me? I do not know, but I am determined to go on, and make a fresh start. I can’t live in the past, I can’t stay in the big house we had and I can’t stay in the area where she died. I must move away, so I can slowly recover and move on for myself. I know, what I said before, is true folks, Time waits for no one and we must do all we can while here, for time will keep ticking, once we are gone too. So, do all we can do while here, enjoy life, do what you want, as long as you don’t hurt someone else. Peace is something we all deserve and should have folks.

September 15th, 2021, My day began at about 6;15 am when my eyes opened. I slept ok for me at this point. Sleep is not a big priority, but between 6 to 8 hours a night is fine.

Reports come in fast on CNN and othe rnews networks as California’s Govenor stays in office. Covid Deaths rise in the USA and weather systems ramp up storms to hurricanes and tropical storms where none were before. The world is fighting back people, the more we pollute our atmosphere the worse the planet and it’s weather change for mankind. We are killing not only ourselves but the world we live in too.

That all said now, maybe it is time for humans to reconsider how we treat the planet and the atmosphere?

Anyway, onward with life in general, prices are rising, money is getting tighter out there and the markets are flexing for change as I see it now. On top of that, elderly housing and housing in general is becoming a rush to sell and buy and it is becoming a sellers market. I am no expert of course just a layman, who watches these things at times.

With the world and economies changing as they are, one must wonder, what happened to America? I was born in the 1950’s, yes I am in my 60’s now, and i remember a different America. I remember an America when it was All for One and One for all. I remember an America when, you drove down the road and got a flat tire someone would stop and help you. or you were homeless or hungry and people would help you. Not now for sure! America has gone a very sorrowfull route so to say, in my book

We as Americans have gone from what I call a we, we, we, society to a me, me,me society and screw you! Today’s economy and way of life in America is all me, and screw you, we all grab and take what we want and get what we want in anyway we can and screw the little people who can’t afford anything. Now don’t cry at me and say I am for social reform or giving people money, or for welfare, because i am not. I think jobs are there and those who don’t go to work who really can should. I don’t scream from the rooftops over it, for there will always be some who can’t work for real reasons, like disabilities. Yet in the end what I see is wrong also.

Some are taking advantage of the current situation and trying to live off of that extra 300 or 600 a week Uncle Sam is providing and refusing to work because they make more that way. To them I say this, it will end and when it does, what will you do then? There won’t be a free ride anymore on taxpayer’s money, so I recommend you train now, and go to work as fast as you can.

Next, subject today. As all know who read my blogs, my wife died in August and time is slowly moving forward for me. Each day I awake, and realize she is gone and wonder what to do with myself next. I have been slowly, looking forward, making some progress as I go. I am preparing to leave the home we had for the last 21 years now. I shall sell it of course and move on to a different location.

As I empty it, I wonder at times why we ever had such a large home. Yet, we did so it should sell I think. Once it is cleaned up and sold I should be fine.

Moving on will be rough without my wife, period. I know the best thing for me is to move away from where we lived, so the memories will not flood me so much and i can survive. I hope to move far enough away, so I can start anew, in a place on my own I can afford. Budgetting will be vital to survival in today’s world too.

Do I need big no, I am thinking maybe a condo, one bedroom place, or an apartment. A Condo would be better I think it would be an investment of a source. I am now a widower and being single again will be rough to get used to. I know I have to do so though, no way I can ever stay in that big house ,alone.

Some will ask why not stay, well the memories are in the house, it isa constant reminder of her always. It drags me down and is huge and expensive to run. Sadly, but surely it must go.

I think in the end, I am doing all things I can to survive and doing it right. I pray that God will help me along and make my life better and easier till, my own ending does come someday. I never asked for much from anyone and never have I thought of doing so. So I will struggle through no matter what.

I only seek now to be peaceful, have what I need to be comfortable and to live out my life making new friends and enjoying myself some. Is it too much to ask, time, shall tell is all!

Ok, some picks by me for week two of the NFL

!) Washington over Giants

2) Steelers over Raiders

3) 49ers over Eagles

4) Browns over Texans

5) Broncos over Jags

6) Saints over Panthers

7) Colts over Rams

8) Bills over Dolphins

9) Pats over Jets

10) Bears over Bengals

11) Bucs over Falcons

12) Cardinals over Vikings

13) Seahawks over Titans

14) Cowboys over Chargers

15) Chiefs over Ravens

16 Packers over over LIons

The light in one’s eyes when they smile or laugh, or the tears when they cry, let us know they are alive each day we see them. When that light goes out, the sadness starts and it lasts a long time for us,who survive.

I know not, how long it will take me, to recover from the loss of my wife. I know it took me years, to fully come back from my mother’s death in 1991. I know it was rough when our dad died too. I am now 65 myself, so,I am no spring chicken ,anymore. I know ultimately my time shall come also, and I am mentally prepared for it, in my own way. We are mere mortals, and as we all know our time on this planet is limited.

I have outlived the ages of my parents now by many years, they left us at 59 each, and my real father left at 55, when he died. Cancer it seems follows us all and for that I am sorry, I have seen too many die from such a ravaging disease. I can only hope medical science at some point can find a way to stop cancer. I have seen too many recalled by God in my lifetime, in what I regard, as before, their time, in my opinion.

We all it seems have a purpose in life of some kind, we don’t even realize what that is, ourselves. We never know or can know why we were born, or what purpose was intended by our being here. Yet, I have a strong belief, that, we all have things we must accomplish that were set out for us when we were born. It is never known by us as to exactly, what that purpose is, for we do nor control it or fully understand it.

In the end it may be to help a certain person, it may be to fight a certain disease, it may be to be a certain type of person and bring joy to others or many different things. We can not know what that purpose is, but I believe in my heart and mind, we all have one. Once we complete our purpose on this planet, we are recalled and our spirit knows it must return, from whence it came. Am I right or wrong in my thoughts and beliefs, I know not, I do know it is what I sense and think is right.

As time rolls on, for it will never stop, I am trying to understand. Whether i ever will, well that is a question only our maker can answer for me. Day after day, week after week, time marches on, till the weeks become months and the months become years. Decades go by of our lifetimes and we never stop to think, not once why we were put on this planet. The interactions with others, the things we do daily, the talking, laughing, crying, arguing and more. What is the purpose of it all folks do we know for sure? No we don’t!

I sometimes stop and think in times of sorrow, or in pain like from my wife’s death now. When I do, I hear the voice of our dad, the man who raised me and made me who I am. I remember him clearly, many times over, telling me, and my siblings as we grew up, ” You can do anything and be anything you want, all you have to do is make up your mind and stick to it!” It rings true in the world even today, in my mind and heart and is a lesson, too many need to learn ,today.

I was never a great student in school, unril, my college days in my late 30’s and early 40’s. I never concentrated enough or paid attention. I was always distracted by one thing or another or just too foolish to care. In the end, I suppose, education isn’t everything either folks, why, simply I know people who got a great education, and it didnt help them handle life roo well. You can have ten degrees and awards left and right, but if you have manners, morals, or ethics or no common sense and logic, you will never get anywhere. Common manners and curtisies go along way in life also, they can propel you beyond your education or current position in the social structure of life. Few, understand that and fail to get that, a piece of paper and grades are not the only thing you need in life. A lot depends on your behavior and interaction with others, which is why many say, learn to get along with others at all cost, it can make a difference in your whole life.

Life is a mystery for all of us folks! Death is a bigger mystery for us all. In between is what counts, for you are remembered not for what you own or posesse, but for your interactions with others and how you treated them. We tend to remember those who passed for their laughter, their tears, thei rinteractions with us, the way they treated us and others. Always remember, no matter what you may own, will not make you a better person, your education doesn’t make you a better person either, what does make you a better person is your interactions with people daily and it will be what you are remembered for, when you leave.

Each day is a walk towards the future in many ways.One day at a time is the best way to go, it shows that life does go on no matter what. It doesnt stop for one person’s death, or for a million deaths, time keeps ticking.

As I try to move forward from my wives death, I wonder to myself, how long I have left and what to do with my own life as I carryon alone. Decisions have to be made and made quickly in many ways.

I know for a fact I can’t stay in the big house we had, it drives me into depression and sorrow over her death and the memories it carries in it. So the process is well underway to clean it out and sell it now, I have begun it and I am not sorry at all for doing so.

When a loved one dies it is devasting, when it’s your spouse it is twice as bad, but when in my case it was my spouse and lover and friend and it was cancer it was severely worse. I have already lived thru cancer in so many cases it was like an add on to that pain, plus the brand new pain of all of her, dying.

Not to make this seem like I am, just stuck on this subject, but, for me, it hurt and hurt big!

Now that the process is underway and I am moving somewhat forward in cleaning up the house, her headstone and mine for the future and more, it is a bit of a releif in a way. I know what I must do and I have a decent idea of where I want to go in the future now.

It will be different for me for sure. I havent lived alone in 28 years in any way. Now I will need a smaller place, new surroundings and a new home of some sort. I know some thought when my wife died I would stay closer to where I lived, but there really is no reason to in my book. Plus I will recover myself better if i am not in that area any more. So I am going to sell it all and move away to another state and start new at 65 years old. Won’t be easy, won’t all be smooth, but will be worth it, just to leave where we lived so long. It is in my mind and heart, the best way to do this so I can survive and live longer.

Today marks 33 days since my wife’s death. Each day, I get more determined in what I must do and move toward it slowly. I miss her of course and always will, but I also know now she is out of pain and at rest with the Good Lord and that is best for her, if it isnt for me. The cancer battle finally ended for her, after 16 years of fighting it in everyway and me by her side. I stayed, I took her to Doctors, Scans, radiation and chemo theraphy and in the end immuniotheraphy and thru Emergency rooms, ICUs and Hospitals, and in the end, thru Rehab Facilities and Hospice Care at home. I did all I could to keep her alive and make her comfortable when she was dying and died. I can not think of anything more, I could have done for her, in my mind and heart.

I remember her telling me back in March after she fell the first time and her journey to her end began, ” I didnt want to put you thru this!” I remember my reply at the time too, ” I am here and I would have it no other way, I am not leaving you.” I held true to that statement to the very end. Some men would have run and hid or tried to avoid it all, I didnt, I lived it with her.

When she was dying and got near to the point of no return, I told her i loved her and always will no matter what, her last reply to me was, ” She Loved me too” I tear up when I think of it all. Yet the end had to come and it did. I remember when she died her raspy breathing, her getting ready and I saw the pain start. I fed her morphine to kill the pain and 20 minutes later it ended, she was gone. The suddeness of it all shocked me and I at first went really, and yes it was real. You can’t pick a time, the good lord does it for you and you are suddenly gone, just like that.

I am glad I was there and got to tell her I loved her again. There are days like today now, when I can feel the depression rolling in on me and I have to reach for medication to hold it off, as I tear up writing this. Each day is different, my mind and heart say go forward, my emotions and feelings say, don’t let go. I know I must though, for if I don’t ,the damage to my pysc and my emotional well being will be beyond repair and I will fall backwards into depression again. So medication and a positive look forward, helps me.

I have to look forward to a new place, whether it is an apartment or condo, a new location, making new friends and trying to reneter the world again alone. It wont be easy, but, at some point it must happen, better sooner than later is how I see it. That to me, is a more realistic view, than sitting around stewing, in depression and sadness daily.

I felt guilty in a way, because I gave her the morphine as she was dying, so I thought I was hurrying her death along. Then a Doctor, told me as I was hospitalized for depression, morphine doesn’t kill, cancer does. That, started my return to normal or as close as a grieving person can get. I came to terms with the fact the morphine only killed her pain, it didn’t kill her. Then I felt guilty more because i survived cancer myself in 2013, but I could not save her, from hers. Then, my mind slowly figured out, I don’t control these things they are beyond man’s control, as to when we come or go, it is God’s Will so to say and he recalls us when he says it is our time. Somehow I am still working thru it all, but, I know I did all I could for her, and I know now ,she is in no more pain and that was the best thing for her.

I fed her, cleaned her, talked to her and brought her home. I did all I could and I know it now, I followed her wishes when she died to no show or production made it simple and easy as she always told me to. Graveside goodbye and a reception afterwards was all. I ordered her gravestone and it will be there soon enough. Was there more I could have done for her, I doubt it, for I can’t think of anything else she wanted.

There may be one or two, or a few who may think it should have been a more formal funeral for her. To them I say this, I listened to my wife for 28 years, I did as she wanted in everyway. I wouldn’t change it for a minute so, it is what she asked me to do. Period. May God Bless her soul and keep her safe forevermore.

It is now 32 days since my wife’s death, She is buried and her headstone is on it’s way being made. I miss her everyday. The hardest part of her dying is the suddeness of her death when it happened, the isolation I felt after it and the depression that struck me. Then, later comes the harder part, cleaning out her belongings and giving them away to others. Every step of a spouse’s death is rougher than I ever expected it to be. I get periods of depression and anxiety, then moments I have to be quiet, because I am still in shock. Memories of our 28 years together come back to me in conversations and more.

Learning to pay the bills, then learning I have to keep going has been rough. I almost surrendered to it all and committed suicide, but I reached out and got help and ended up spending ten days in a hospital. Depression can kill folks and it almost got me, but, I survived it, by seeking help, lots of talking and theraphy. Then I was also saved by my sister who came and stayed while she died and then came back for the graveside buriel and came and got me, to stay with her. Without her or her man I would have joined my wife.

Now, as I clean out the house i must sell, one room and area at a time, I find that after 21 years of marriage and 28 years together we accumilated too much she never let me throw away. I ordered a 20 cubic foot dumpster and it was filled in two days and I only cleared out the garage and part of the master bedroom. SO much is left to go thru, box after box, bag after bag, item after item.

I have been slowly doing so searching for things her daughter wants, but so far no, I havent found eithe rof the rwo most important items she requested. I have slowly gone box by box, item by item so far and no, whatever I do, the items are not here.

I will keep going until I finally sell the house and get out entirely, no way I can stay there. The house was her dream, it was decorted and painted as she wanted not me. As I deconstruct it I reminded how she demanded her colors, her items and her look in it. I gave her everything I could, and she knew it too.

While her cancer raged and she got closer to death, in the hospital one day she looked at me and said, “I didnt want to put you thru this at all I am sorry!” I looked back at her and said “Don’t worry I am fine, just get better I am here!.” The last words we had that we both understood fully were my telling her” I loved her and her saying it back to me!” So, I know she knew I wa sthere and that I loved her.

Now on day 32 after her passing, I still tear up and cry thinking of her and how much I miss her. I take my medications and I settle in each day and just keep going. It is a battle of course and I do not show it in front of others, but, there is no other way for me. I know I have to continue on, I am alive and that I can not change and won’t, plus I can’t bring her back. I can’t stop cancer i have found now for the fifth time, no matter how many doctors I took her to, or tests we did of chemo or radiation sessions or immunio theraphy sessions. I tried I did in all ways I could, but, medical science, and money and time could not stop it or save her.

The future for me I do not know yet, I do know I will sell the house and move away from where we lived, no matter what. I need a place of my own, and a new life even at 65 years old. Maybe an apartment or condo, and new furniture and a decent SUV with AWD. That way I can find new friends and have fun again. For 28 years I did very little without my wife, I stayed home and kept her company in all ways. For the last 16 years, we fought her cancer, every way we could, and i did it voluteerily and would never walk away like some husbands did. I never abandoned her or walked away and couldn’t, wasn’t in my make-up. I was with her for each moment period.

I am hoping now, after 28 years, the last 16 fighting cancer hers and my own, I can finallt have some time for myself to enjoy life, make mew friends and havea life again on my own. I want to see things like Reba live, or be able to go out havea few drinks and laugh or just enjoy life. My end can’t be that far ahead, I am 65 now. I am not foolish or stupid we all die and have an ending. I just want to have some time for myself to enjoy whats left for mine. I can only keep going, the best I can, keep the memories of her alive in me, and find my own life to live again.

It is now 5:37 am, September 9th, 2021, I awoke at 4 am and attempted to go back to sleep and failed. Sleep patterns change for me still now, almost 30 days after the death of my wife. I soiught help and have pills to help me sleep but at best I get 6 hours a nite. Hopefully with time it will get better.

Each day I face decisions now on my own, Do I get rid of the house yes I must! I have no purpose for a big house like we had and in truth we should have never needed it. We did what my wife wanted because I always gave her everything she wanted period. Now I face her being gone and have to clean it all up and get rid of it.

I have to go see the Lawyers who did our Living Trust, get thru probate for her death and then sell all I can to live my life out without her. Time will telll how it goes, but, I am hoping iit will be fine in the end.

I have a long day ahead and much to do. Yesterday I called and ordered her headstone for her grave and mine too to go with it. When I die I go beside my wife and all who know me know it too. When people die, we who survive them, have to learn to face the world again on our own and it is not easy.

Learning ro pay the bills again, learning what needs done on my own is ok bur at times can be rough. I have learned I can’t live alone in that big house anymore iit must go. No single man can keep a four bedroom home by himself, it costs too much to run and maintain, period.

That said I am finding also, that people iI thought were family, at times have become much like vultures sitting on branches waiting to devour or grab whatever they can. I never thought I would see that happen in this case but, it happens in all deaths sooner or later. Sadly, I wont let it happen, I will clean out my house and if i find what I deem my wife wanted others to have, I shall put them aside and give them to them when I finish only, and at my own pace.

I have been on this planet earth now for 65 years and I have seen many die and leave it, but never have I seen people send letters of what they want to the surviving spouse! Nor have I ever seen people who divide things up while the person is dying in front of them, but it happened. I find it disgusting and disrespectful to my wife who died and if she had seen it, she would have threw them out and told them off!

That said and done, I know the laws and iI know what my wife wanted at the time of her death, I listened to her clearly. She wanted no production, no show at her funeral or graveside burial. I tried to honor her wishes at all times. I loved her dearly and miss her of course.

I am far from stupid regarding all involved in this period of time of my wife dying. What many forget and seemed to have forgot, is her fight was a long brave one I stayed with her thru, sixteen years worth to be almost exact.. Each test or proceedure takes something away from a cancer patient and believe it or not their spouse who is going thru it with them also. As they begin to fade slowy, the survivior fades some with them also. The smiles disappear, the temper gets shorter, the attitude changes and we get more protective of those suffering as we go along. I know I have lived thru it now, recentky with my wife passing on August 10th, 2021.

I held on emotionally by a thread till her burial on August 20th, 2021. After I bueied her, I felll ompletely apart in that big house by myself within three days. The Isolation, the loneliness, almost killed me, literally. I walked in circles talking to myself and the walls and her and no one was there. By the third day odfdoing so I was scared I was going to committ suicide and i was borderline. So I reached out for help, I called the Veteran’s Crisis LIne who talked me into coming in to a hospital. I was in serious trouble and knew it, the loss of my wife was devastating to me.

I was talked to, medicated and evaluated for iit all of course. I reached out, got help! None of it is easy folks, surviving a loved ones death from cancer is as rough as I have ever had it in my life. The reprecussions and effects of such a loss is immensce and fully makes one question,ones reason for being here ,on earth. Makes one go, What am I here for, what is my puepose now, that she is gone? Before her death iit was all for her and our life together, now all I have is my life, to carry on. Now I must determine what to do all alone on my own, where do I go, how willl I live, where willl I live and so much more.

Others who survived her death have families or children to return to and lives to carry on, I am left alone, isolated and struggling. Mankind, humanity is a social based species, we depend on others to be around, to talk to, to interact with, to laigh and cry with. When you alone suddenly, it is not good to have no one at all.

Now I know I am not alone in grieving my wife, there are many who are also, but not with me or as intense as I am. I gave 28 years of my life to her, I built around her, I gave her anything I could and loved her to pieces. Now suddenly she is gone period! 16 of those years were all fighting cancer!

Welll iits now 29 days since her death, and time to start to clean up, and change things and try hard to get things done as needed. I find myself reluctant of course to enid of alll we built and did, but in the end one man can not maintain such a home by themselves at 65 years old. So I have no choice now in all I do, time will not wait for me. I am 65 now and how much time I have left myself I do not know, but I do know, I can’t spend it, grieving forever and to get out of the depression and grieving process, I must move forward in my life. I can’t and won’t forget her and alll we had, I just need to escape the boundires and places we lived so I can live more and survive till I die. I know she would not want me ro end my life, she would want me to try to be happy again.

Saying goodbye to someone you loved so completely is not easy, I will alway hold her in my heart and mind no matter what!

Living life as I have always done, I find myself wandering mentally since my wife’s death on August 10th, 2021. I am devastated by the loss and I have tried to recover by staying offline and alone. It didn’t work that way for me. All who lose a loved one of such magnatuide as your spouse, go thru depression and sadness and more, I am no exception to that.

I, now, must pull myself together, face the world and move forward. At no time can I, sit and do nothing or allow life to pass me by. I have to clear hurdles to survive. I have a house and more to take care of and get rid of and a life, I must keep going. I shall always have the fond memories and thoughts of my wife, and I am sure I will be emotional for along time to come.

I need to do what I need to do in my own way and as fast as possible to survive and to get out of the big house. All of it reminds me of my wife who died and it just drags me toward depression. So the House must go and all in it.

Next, I need to clear with the Lawyers what I need to do for my wife’s estate and any taxes to the state, for her death. When I do all of the above I will need to find a new place to live and start over slowly and with patienance. Old surroundings will be devastating to me and I need to stop and not, stay put anymore.

I know in my heart and mind that my wife would not want me to stop living due to her death. She told me she didn’t want to put me through what I have been thru for the last 16 years, but, we had no choice and I would not abandon her at any point. Sixteen years is a long time to fight a cancer battle for her and for me also, but we did it. I never wavered or left her side thru it all and I never even thought of it once. I fought with her and kept her with me as long as I could and she knew it. The last words she spoke to me were I love you, after I said ,the same to her for the final time. I know it sounds like I am making it up but I am not, it was her last words to me.

I did not care, that she didnt want me to go thru it all with her, I did it out of love and caring, and I stuck by my wedding vows to her. It is what till death do us part means folks! I did all I could to make her comfortable and happy for 28 years, not just her final days.

As I begin to move forward, I want to do it with a clear heart and soul and I know I am doing so, because there was nothing more I could do for her, in the end, I exhausted all, and myself.

I was blessed with 28 years with the woman I loved. I also am blessed with a sister who understood it all, and helped me through by being with me thru it all. We sat together as my wife died, a brother and sister united in the pain, the hurt, the devastation of a cancer patient dying in hospice. If not for my sister I would not be alive today to even write this. So, I thank my sister for all she did for me, for my wife and I love her for it all.

I have used my blog to talk and make statements on many subjects over the years, including news, politics, and personal. I try to not get stuck in one area and I have even used it for sports predictions. In the end it has given me an outlet over the past few years to speak out on many things and to inform, chat publically or just say what I please and i am thankful, I live in america, where free speech is guaranteed.

Recent Events in my personal life, the loss of my wife of 28 years, has been very emotional and rough on me. My blogs have gone from, politics, to personal matters and for that I am sorry folks. As we all know and should understand by now, one’s personal life and emotions and feelings can bleed over into these blogs, many times over and have. My life is not a herioc one, nor is it anymore than average by most standards. I am just a normal average man who has lived a life full of highs and lows and in the end, they will bury me under those circumstances too. I did what many men did in their lifetimes, I served my country honorably, I marriednot once but twice, I had two children and two dogs and two cats and two of everything more than once. I traveled with my wife’s and tried to support my children when i could. I am not a religious person, never was for my own rerasons of course and I hold nothing against anyone in anyway.

We all make decisions and choices in life that we must make for different reasons in the moments of time we must make them as we go along. My life will be less than a blimp on a screen somewhere on the internet when I pass, no one will remember who I was or what I did. I am not a historic person or making any history here, I am live a normal Ordinary Man’s Life daily.

IN life we have our ups and our downs too. For instance, I Graduated Elementary School long agao and many thought I never would, I went on to High School, but dropped out and latergot a GED Diploma on my own. Now nothing fancy there for sure. I know I am not perfect never said I was and never would. I went on though had to it is life.

e I did what many in my generation did in economic hard times, I joined the Military. I served Uncle Sam for 16 years, I hold at least 5 Honorable Discharges from three branches. I am proud I did so too, ask anyone who knows or knew me. I do have a patriotic streak in me for sure and i belive in America.

I did what few do, I served then went back to school and got a College Education, and moved on. Now, my first wife will say, our marriage was no big thing, but it was in many ways. The highs were our marriage day, the homes we owned and the girls we had together. The lows for it were the end and divorce and no one can deny I tried. It ended up 10 years of marriage and then add two for the divorce time a total of 12.

MY second marriage well, that is now history too, because my wife recently passed due to cancer here on August 10th, 2021. We had a great run so to say, We covered 28 years together, we traveled some, we saved, we helped family and friends. The highs outweighed the lows by millions, the positive always out weighed the negatives. We never really fought, we never hurt one another and in the end we loved till her day of death and I still love her now, and miss her. Life is mysterious in many ways folks, when you think you have it made and all seems like it is perfect for both of you it throws you curves and sliders and screws you up.

Cancer my friends has followed me and those I loved a long time. It got my grandfather, it got my real father, it got my step-father and my mother, then it started on my second wife and then me. I survived it, buy an operation, my second wife recently lost her 16 year battle with it, leaving me a widower now. LIfe is indeed at times cruel and mysteriuos and at other times uplifting and soulfull.

Facing a future as a widower wil be rough at 65. I know it and i also know the loneliness, will get to me it has once already, depressing me to the point I needed medical help. I am one of the few lucky ones who found help in my sister, and in the Veteran’s Administration too. Not all are so lucky and many do committ suicide upon the loss of their spouse I know that. I almost did more than once. My writtings and blogs are online here for many to see, and I know few ever read them for I am not a jouranalist or a prolific writter, but I do write short stories, poems and small books. I have a Kindle listing of course, no PUblishing Firm has offered to help me sell any. But, I am just a guy who uses writting to get his feelings and thoughts out the best I can. I use writting as an outlet for the emotions thoughts and ideas that pop into my head, it works for me .

So, just to be clear to all or anyone who may read this, no, I am not apologizing for anything, I am not looking for pity, or anything of that sort. I am just an average normal man trying to express what I feel. That should telll all the story in the end.