Have you ever wondered what death is really like? I know i have many times in my life, when I was beat sensless as a child, when I was hungry because I ran away from home as a child, when I was institutionalized as a 10 year old. Those are a few of the times when I thought about what death really means. I thought of it many times since too and I am going on 66 years old now. Have you?

I wondered what death was like as I sat, on board a Navy Ship serving my country a few times, I thought about it when I was going through my divorce from my first wife and the loss of my daughters to her. I thought about death so many times I sometimes wonder why I am still here and alive these days.

I came close to death a few times in my life unknown to many of course. Yet I survived and am still here going on 66 years old in two weeks. Listen when I my wife died last year I wanted to commit suicide and almost did. It isnt easy folks, to live a life like I have had. Yet, I survive because i have refused to surrender in many ways. I almost lost my life to lung cancer yet I am still here today. I am still here after seeing and witnessing, my grandfather dying of cancer, my father, my step-father and my mother too and my second wife. Each time I wondered should I join them, what right do I have in being here today?

Illnesses come and go, and we live on, but cancer really never lets go does it? I know, I have had lung cancer and lost a lobe and a thrid of my right lung to it, and I know each day I live is really pure luck that the cancer has not returned. Yet I also know it can anytime on any given day or night. It is a fact in life once you get cancer you live with it, everyday and hope it doesn’t return.

Recently I recieved a letter saying I have two nodules in my right lung that are sitting there. I was told not to panic and not to worry, so I try not to. Then, I have been hit by jolts in my body, my whole body jumps and recently, I had a jolt in the back of my head. Now is it cancer I do not know, do I want to know if it is, not really. As it goes now at 65, going on 66, without my wife who died in August of 2021, I really have no idea, really!

There was a time when I was full of life, happy and content, I had a beautiful life and wife and home for 28 years. Now it is all gone just as my wife is gone. It’s painful, and lonely trying to find my way to do anything these days. I lost my get up and go and any motivation really, I dont care much about what happens to me anymore.

My head hurts these days, and it pulses at times on me. So, I have no idea what is wrong or what happened, but, I say nothing to anyone about it these days. I go one day at a time and hope to awake each day or morning. I know few reasons to stay alive right now, it is how I feel these days.

My struggles with thinking about death began many decades ago when I was a teenager. I found a way to stay busy, and did all I could for others all my life. It is what made me, me.

Once you run out of motivation or reasons or things you want to do anymore, you lose the drive to stay alive. It’s a basic fact folks. So as all of this goes through my mind, I wonder what is death really like? Is there pain when you die, do you feel it when you pass, do we just cease to exist, or is there an afterlife and a heaven or hell or anything on the otherside? I don’t know for sure, but I do know, so many people i knew in my life are now on the otherside and I am still here, struggling through. Is it darkness on the other side and where does our spirit really go, do we fade from existance and like a light bulb burn out? Whats the answer folks does anyone really know?

I remember a book written long ago, the title I remember was Death Be Not Proud, at least thats the title I remember. I never read the book of course but the title stuck in my head and still does today. Why, because no one knows if the title means anything or not. Death comes to all of us I know, and in the end we are remembered not for what we own, or what we have material wise, we are only remembered by those who knew us and they remember us for how we treated them period. We never know once we are gone if we are remembered or missed do we, how can we? So, is death a light flickering out and never coming back and do our souls wander endlessly or do we end up some place like heaven or hell? Will we ever know? I doubt it.

January 11th, 2022, I am shortly going to enter my 66th year on this planet. Unbelievable to me really, for I honestly never thought I would get past 40. Yet here I am and still kicking, struggling to survive and trying to find a way to move on from my wife’s passing. We all suffer loses folks, and losing my wife was a large one for me. Just saying. I have good days and bad days too, now and I know no matter what I must carry on, for I am still here.

Enough on that subject for now, doesn’t help to keep reviewing and going over the whole thing again and again. Now, I must sell the home we had in Connecticut and move on as soon as possible to a new location and home here in Massachuetts, where i am currently staying. I need a decent place to live in a 55 plus community, I can afford and be comfortable in, alone. I have looked at condos, I have looked at manufactured homes also. At this time all depends on what I can get for the house in Connecticut and how soon it shall sell. I am lowering the price tag on it already here in January of 2022, no choice really under the current market.

Next, subject bill payments must be made for electric and oil to the old house to keep it going for sale. Then my car payments and other items come up. I will pay on all of them of course and keep myself alive for future endeavers and living.

I have many interersts as far as the future go, finding a decent 55 plus community that is safe, is one. A place to park my car off street, a full bathroom, a living room, eat in kitchen area and I think two bedrooms would be perfect for me. One Bedroom to sleep in and one for an office. I have been told of single and double wide mobile homes and condos too, the prices are wide these days, so picking what I want will be vital to my future. I am not going to worry about, what someone else thinks I should buy or do at this point, I need to examine all options and save my money as I go along. I do know I have no interest in shoveling or plowing snow period, nor unless I must, I have no interest in cutting or mowing lawns. I am 65 gonna be 66 soon, I did my time doing these things already. I am not interested in doing a lot of maintenance on a home or property.

So now it is time to really start a massive search for a place to live and to decide on what I want where soon enough. I can’t rush anything, but I am willing to sell the home in Connecticut at a fair price for me. Time shall tell how it goes.

I have been asked if I am interested in dating or relationships, right now not really. I lost a wife I loved for 28 years 5 months ago yesterday. It still hurts and I am still grieving her in my own way. Will I ever be looking for a partner/ woman again, I have no idea right now, I do know if I do it will be as a companion first and foremost. Even Widowers get lonely folks, believe me!

What else can I say at this point? Well I am still and will always be a big NFL Fan and the Playoff Season is upon us soon. I watched the Chargers, Raiders game that ended the season and I was amazed and enjoyed it big time. It was not only entertaining, it was a well played contest.

Now entering the Playoff Rounds, it is time to examine the games coming up.

1. Raiders vs Bengals- While I personally favor the Bengals here, this game will be determined by who can run the ball and control the clock. If i am right it will be a close game with the Bengals winning by 3.
2. Patriots vs Bills- Round three begins between two teams who are hungry here. While the Bills won the division, the real question is can Allen for the Bills eliminate turnovers and still move the offense and score. I expect this game to come down to the fourth quarter, since it is in Buffalo, the Bills, by 7.
3. Eagles vs. Buccaneers- in Tampa and at home, the Bucs should win this easily, but, you never know, because the Eagles play is up and down and how will the Playoffs be for either team. Experience goes to Brady and company and i believe so does the defensive side of the ball. I would take Tampa by 10 here.
4. 49ers vs Dallas- This could be an interesting game if the 49ers play will and have no turnovers. San Fran hasa decent lineup on both sides of the ball and can be a physical team. Dallas has offensive and defensive weapons also, but, if I were to pick a upset game this one may be it. I know it is in Dallas, but, 49ers, havea good chance here. I say a very close game here, and I think 49ers.
5. Steelers vs Chiefs- While The Steelers got in by backing in really, the Chiefs are legimate as a team and power in the NFL. Can the Steelers stop Mahomes and his offense, I doubt it. As to Rothesburger and the Pittsburgh Offense they face a very stiff Kanas City Denfense in this game. I don’t expect a blowout in this one, so I would take Kanas City by 10.
6. Cardinals vs Rams- Monday final WIldCard Weekend Game. This may be the best contest of the whole WildCard Playoffs. The Cardinals are for real folks and if they have zero turnovers and get their running game going they stand one hell of a chance against the Rams. Now as to the Rams, whether they win or lose this game will depend on their offense vs the Cardinals defensive unit. My thought here is a very close game determined by a field goal here, and it is areally a toss-up, in my book.

Hows that for WildCard Weekend Predictions folks? Look I am not a Pro, but I do know football and yes upsets can happen and will. So onward into the most crazy and wild Wildcard Weekend we go all! That my friends and blog readers is my predictions in the NFL and a brief review of life as it goes today.

Ever notice certain thing are what people get drawn to, pat attention to or get vocal about? There are many of course for people vary in what they believe in for different reasons. Each of us are raised in different enviroments, by different parents who believed different things correct?

Ok, some of us are taught religion is the way to go, and it doesn’t matter what color skin you have or nationality, it is what you are raised to be. Some shun religion and end up going political and end up either extreme right, or extreme left. Then you have the moderates on each side or progressives of each side too.

We have radicals, we have passifices, we have violent people and joyful people too.So what makes all of us go the ways we do and become who we are, influnences by those we love growing up, and those who raise and protect us daily, mom, dad, grandma,grandpa, etc. Family life is what makes each kid who they are, and eventually who we grow up to be. The enviroment one grows up in and the ones who teach us or abuse us as we grow determine who we become as adults, period.

Some of us fight back against the violence of physical abuse we recieved as children and the verbal and mental abuses too and overcome. Some of us fall to it all and become violent ourselves, or so mentally abused we lose track of what is real, and start l ashing out at others and hurting all around us. Time will only tell us as we grow older what we have become.

I submit that some of the greatest minds, personalities, out there in humankind, fought back and overcame and became beloved, and looked up to because they did so. It is a fact of life, and they should be lauded and celebrated for all they accomplish in life.

For those who have fallen or succumbed to the pressures, mental abuse, physical abuse and verbal abuse, and have not fully recovered or overcome, I suggest, instead of going with the flow you were given, find help and change it. There Are Doctors, Clinics, and much more all the way up to institutions, that can help you overcome. Some believe in medicating, some believe in theraphy sessions and other things. Just let me say this, if you seek help, then you are going the right direction. All of us, need help at some point in our lives, don’t be afraid to seek it and accept it, use it to better yourself and your position in life and move ahead.

I have a belief and many do not get it today in modern world terms, across the globe and in The USA. I happen to believe in Military Service for all. I dont care which sex you are, if you lack the ability to conform, the ability to control yourself, and need discipline and to get educated more and learn how to get along with other join a branch of service. The USA Military Service can save your life and give you direction you may need. PLus you serve your country for a while, you learn to respect others and get along with others at all times, and you learn that all are on an equal basis in the world and it doesn’t matter what your skin color is, your sex or anything else. All get treated the same and all must conform and work together to survive.

Just my belief is all, and what few get is the MIlitary takes care of it’s own also. I did it, andi am proud of my time in service to my country. I served in The Army, Army National Guard and then the US NAVY. I am proud of doing so and always will be, I was injuried aboard a ship due to a fall, but, I will never regret my service ever. I love my country. As one President said, You are not patriotic if you follow a President, You Are Patriotic if you follow your country and fight for it!

January 7th, 2022, Yesterday I had to go to Connecticut, and transfer my funds to a new bank here in Massachuetts. While, there I made a stop by my wife’s grave to speak to her, and to say hello and good-bye for the moment. Everytime I do so I end up standing there and crying over her death and passing. I speak to her as if she was with me while there, through my tears, and find I have to buck myself up to leave and live on. 28 years with her was happy, content time and we supported and helped each other everyday we were together. God Bless her fully and keep her comfortable until I join her. Yes I still grieve her passing, all these months later.

Anyway, January 7th, 2022 has arrived and snow has found us here. It falls in tiny flacks today, and colored the ground and tress in white, making it look like it is a pure new beggining on the planet. We have covid with us of course, as all in the world do, we have an economy slowly recovering in America, jobs are growing slowler than expected also. We seem to be slowly recovering as a nation, even if we would like it to be faster.

Will we ever be able to recover our democracy and republic to what it was before January 6th, 2021? How many hearings andchanges in law and convictions shall it take to straighten out the whole mess it caused. I want to say one thing before people throw their hands up and scrream and shout and attack my blog here, and I say this clear to all- AT NO TIME IN AMERICAN HISTORY HAS AN AMERICAN PRESIDENT, INCITED AN INSURECTION AGAINST HIS OWN COUNTRY AND FORM OF GOVERNMENT WITH THE EXCEPTION OF DONALD J TRUMP!

I know many will try to defend Trump for doing so, because he lost the election to Biden, in a landslide way. He just wanted to hang onto the Power of The Presidency folks period, he didn’t do anything proper with it and accomplished zero while in office. His greed and avarice and his lack of mental brainpower and knowledge mad ehim fail.

That said, I see that the January 6th, Committee is pursuing Trump and his children and his associates fully. I hope to see Donald J. Trump Charged for Inciting the Insurection and more as time goes forward. I hope his childrfen get charged and convicted too. The damage the Trump Administration and Donald J. Trump himself has done to American Democracy and The Republic we live in is such a large amount, we shall be lucky if we recover in 3 Presidential Terms after he is gone.

Some want to blame Biden for a lot Trump is soley responisable for, just stop ok. Biden took onthe Presidency after a man who was acting like a tyrant, a dictator and a fool. It is hard to clean up messes of people who have no idea what they were doing while in charge. Don’t come tell me how Trump built his wall either, thats crap, the border is still open today. The only thing Trump got done folks wa shos tax plan to benefit himself and the rich not you or I. I am watching for the results and what happens in New York to the Trump Organization and in Washington too and legal circles.

Next subject, The NFL’s final weekend of games will be upon us starting tomorrow for the regular season. I am disappointed on certain teams who fell apart this season and i know changes will be coming to many teams, over the offseason for sure. Even if I am fully disappointed in my team I favor and support, it is now apparent they have to reset their whole organization, so no crying in spilled milk for me there.

The Playoffs will start not this weekend but the following since the season was expanded by one game. The WildCard Games will come first guys and gals. Nad once they finish we shall see the better teams hit the playoffs and head toward the next Superbowl. It is a Playfoff and Superbowl time that excited and pleases me to see. I always love playoff NFL Football! Just me folks.

I have NFL Fever this time of year, I follow my Vikings but they are a mess and fail and kill themselves each season. Then, In Baseball I follow The Red Sox of course have all my life. The Boston Celtics I love also and will watch their record and season as they go. I do love sports folks.

Anyway, as my 65th year alive is beggining to come to it’s end, I try to stay positive and move ahead in time and find a new place for myself, I may struggle, I may stumble, but I shall keep going. I am looking forward to finding a new place to live, and to settling in and meeting new people and learning new things. I hope at sometime I can get into a 55 plus community, make new friends and find things to do again. I am praying 2022 will bring hope, and for me happiness and comfort as i move on. Have a Good Day All!

January 3rd, 2022, has arrived and once again, the demise and dismantling of the Minnesota Vikings as football team has become apparent for all to see. Look i have been a die-hard Viking Fan since their early days in the 1960’s, I saw them make the appearances in the Superbowls but never win. I still backed them till today and i was five years old when I started and am 65 now.

Every NFL season, the same happens in Minnesota, they get rated as a possible playoff contender, and they make trades and draft player like other squads do too. The problem is the Vikings, don’t seem to even pay attention to what they really need, instead of what they think they need.

So, lets discuss the current situation in MInnesota now. The Viking spent millions on certain positions, and in the end they got zilch in retrun for their money. Case in point, I don’t care what the numbers say, Quaterback Kirk Cousins is not a superstar who can lead them in tough games to victories they need each year and he is overpaid. He lacks the ability to lead and come up big when needed. They need a Quarterback who can not only throw the ball, but who is also able to manuver and run when needed.

Next Problem in Minnesota Viking land is the current Head Coach sad to say, and i was oringinally a major fan of Mike Zimmer. Yet, his coaching style is lackluster at best, and secondly his decision making at times sucks. His job is to prepare his team to win each and every game they enter, he fails at this, because he uses the same schemes every game they are in and teams know it well.

Third problem in MInnesota, and this is a question for the ownership there, is it ok to bea runner up all the time an dmiss the playoffs each year and show no improvement over the past year? I remind the Owner of the Vikings, the way to being a better football team and winning a Superbowl should be the way you should be heading. Yet, you let things sit and no changes get done at all. I know you spend money on trades to improve the team, but much of it has been a loss foryou in the end. You want to win, pick the right problems to fix. Coach, Quaterback, Cornerbacks are needed. As can be noted by the past in the NFL and Superbowl HIstory shows, it is not a high priced QuarterBack that wins it all.

Every year I watch the Vikings game after game, lose due to the same reasons, an interception, or they give up the long ball for a touchdown.One season they had the highest scoring offense in the league and still couldn’t get to the Superbowl, why because you are not paying attention to the parts of the team you need to win it all. iT’s sad really, and i wil always bea Viking fan, because I am no trader and never would be, but, I do tire of how each year you fall from contention to out of the playoff race period.

I remember teams under Bud Grant, the Purple People Eaters, Playing in the cold, and getting to the playoffs and Superbowl too. AT least under him there was discipline and control of the team. I remember players some forget, Joe Kapp, and many more who gave their all for the purple and gold but were not able to win the Superbowl, but in the 1960s, the Vikings never quit, never gave up and always played hard till the last second of every game, win or lose. What happened to the team pride of that era of Viking’s History I ask?

2022, is here and I spent the night alone last night trying to figure out how I got this damn cold that is almost killing me constantly. I survive of course afater nights of hacking and coughing away for hours at a time. Wasn’t what I had planned on for sure to start the New Year, but at 65 what more can you do when your a widower.

Well New Year I hope a new outlook on life and I am hoping the house gets sold in Connecticut sometime soon. In the meantime i have to do things i have never had to do before, like pay my own bills and struggle through. Life is going to be getting used to doing it all on mine own again, since my wife passed.

Next I need to adjust to a new State in Massachuetts, that I am living in and keep searching for my own place to live now. I have to bring all my finances to Mass next so it will mean, setting up accounts in a bank up here, then transferring my deposits I get up here and then transfer all my funds.

Then I have set up all new payments for the bills i will have up here and still pay the ones down there till the house is sold. It gets confusing believe me. I just hope i can handle it all on my own. I just want a life of my own, but, I want to not be a burden for anyone, till I die.

Anyway 2022 is now underway I am hoping fora better life and an easier one, but time will tell. Moving to Mass up here will be something I have already started to do, MY only quwation is what do I wish to live in a condo or a mobile home. If I do the condo, it will defintely cost a lot more for the proces up here are not cheap on anything. If I do a Mobile Home then I need to come up with the down payment and get loan for the remainder somewhere.

I know no matter what I do, I will not be able to be as close to my sister as i was in Connecticut, She lives in a beautiful town in a big old house with a swimming pool and more, and has plenty of friends around her. Myself on the other hand really have no one I know up here, that I can rely on, for anything. So living alone will be rough experience and i hope I can handleit emotionally and mentally. I always had my wife for 28 years, now I have no one really, so time shall tell how long I can last alone now in an unfamiliar area.

Well, 2022 I hope will be a better year for me than the last one was. Hopefully once I settle in, I wil be looking for things to do pf course and hopefully be meeting others. I just hope I will be ok.

Anyway, I know I must now get the process fully underway in all areas. I just hope and pray I can do this and live on my own and not burden anyone at all. Time shall tell.

The final day of 2021, has arrived and December 31st is always the largest party date in history in the world. Yes, some things need to be taken into account as we get set to celebrate a New Year coming in.

1. A full investigation must be done properly into coronavirus and where it came from and how to eradacate it completely.
2. We need to stop blaming the sitting President for all the troubles of America’s econonmy, and it’s inflation we suffer from. He didn’t create it folks, but he is trying to control it, wake up.
3. We need a full and unconditional and feirce investigation into all that occurred on January 6th, 2021. We also need to hold accountable not just those who particpated in it, but those who incited it and pointed the way, Trump and his coherts too.
4. As many will see this New Years Eve, there are still too many people unvaccinated in America, and that is bad for a country ridden with a virus that can kill and be spread at a high rate. Those who believe covid is a made up thing are wrong. Period. if the country can’t get on one page regarding a vaccine, then how the hell will we solve anything else?
5. Next lets discuss the current make up of the House and Senate. As we all know, we the people decided to divide it, and in the end we the people screwed up. We the people need to call our Senators, and Representatives and tell them to do some work! This stalemate shit is worthless, as they sit and argue nothing gets done, unless it is absolutely necessary. It’s a sad thing to see, when Republicans and Democrats who are elected to public office now go to work and get paid big time, but prodice not a damn thing for all the people, Compromise must be reached to move the country forward.
6. The unemployment rate is dropping, and that is in and of it self very good for the country as a whole.
7. As we go through the New Year Celebration tonight across the world, how many people will get covid and ultimately die or get severly sick. We dont know for sure but time shall tell us won’t it, because there are too many who won’t believe it till they see it.
8. If Americans have any common sense come the 2022 election cycle, the Representatives and Senators, who participated in the January 6th,2021 Insurection, should all be removed from office in one way or another. In the end they just ignored congressional law and government law and tried to overtun our way of government. We don’t need these people in office.
9. As to affairs of state, regarding Russia and other countries that are trying to expand their borders at the cost of free people, America must show a force of some kind other than words alone. Putin does not understand diplomancy folks, he listens to force.
10. If America wants to be a leader and held in high esteeem, we must say what we mean and prove it by what we do each day.
11. The Southern Border Crisis, must be handled correctly and it must be done soon.The incoming migrants are too many even for our country to withstand. In order for us to survive we must limit the number allowed in and do it soon.
12. I have heard comments left and right, on Kamala Harris’s performace as Vice President. Some are like well people wanted a woman, have no place even in the discussion. Secondly, She is the Vice President not the President, and if she doesnt make any decisions folks, Biden does. Wake up, Harris is in a learning process she knows it and so do we.
13. In the end let me say this to the American People as a whole, who ever invented and came up with this woke movement bullshit can stick it where the sun doesn’t shine, in my opinion. Your whole woke movement is the laughing stock of many intellectuals and educated people and in the end, while you can say what you wish and cause pain and anger, you can’t change people and how they really are.

I survived 2021 even though my wife did not folks, if you or anyone else in America want to do something serious and helpful for mankind in the world, find a cure or solution to cancer, Please!

Also lets eradicate Covid in anyway we can and try to make the world a better place for all to live in! Lets move forward tackle what needs done and in the end do it as one nation united. 2022 is here for all of us very shortly a matter of hours now, let stay positive, lets accomplish some things for all, like Healthcare for all Americans. 2022 should be a hopefull and positive experience for all Americans. Happy 2022 folks, I wish all the best!

Ok I awoke at 3 am today and still I can’t kick this hacking cough I have. It seems like I have had it now at least 5 days as of today. I don’t have a runny nose, or a fevor, just a tickle in my throat that makes me hack. I hate being sick in anyway, especially with the fear I have right now, from a prior case of lung cancer.

What ever it is is settled into my throat area, for that is the only main symprom I have of anything, and of course the cough itself. So, I am thinking it isn’t covid-19, for I have two pfiezer shots and a booster too. I should be protected from Covid-19 at this stage.

Time shall tell for sure, I know, but if I am not getting worse, it should mean it’s a nasty cold holding on to me. I only wish it would break and let go so I can stop hacking like i am periododily.

I do know if I get a fevor or I get diarria or the shakes or something, I will go to a Doctor or Hospital. I am in that category of having other medical problems to watch and to care for too. Hopefully, I will be fine, but who the hell knows for sure, in this day and age with so many covid variants out there in society and so many who refuse to wear masks of any kind.

I have been doing ok otherwise, I still go day by day since my wifre died in Aigust of 2021. I miss her of course, but I am slowly realizing there is no way to bring her back, and that I will never see her again. Each day is a mystery to me, for I know the Good Lord is keeping me on this planet for some reason.

I do home searches daily, online, hoping to find something I can live in comfortably and I can afford. The home in Connecticut is emptied now and in the end it shall sell at some point, I am sure. I may have to lower the selling peice a bit, but hey, it does have to go.

Since all I have is myself to care for I am looking at all options and hoping to find one. I am considering a condo or a mobile/manufacturd home at this point, I figure I need around 1200 sq, ft for room and a parking spot at least. I need a kitchen, a eat in, a living room, a small office, and at least one good sized bedroom. I want a clean, neat place, that I dont have to kill myself in to maintain for myself.

In the meantime, time is marching on now, as we head to the New Year of 2022 soon enough. I am hoping the new year will bring me luck in selling the house and in settling into something new in Massachuttes. All takes a little time I know.

Socially speaking I am still a little awkward and lost and of course shy in ways I never was before. I don’t want to rush into anything right now, but, I have run across some who are really nice women. Yet I know I must pay attention to many factors concerning that part. I am older, then most and being a 65 year old widower is not easy, and I get sometimes get scared and hide in many ways.

My writing still continues at least as far as blogs and poetry goes. I write them down and post them and then I always save some for myself. It’s a process I know how to do, in my own way.

As the covid virus is out there in many variants now, I have a cold myself that is causing me coughing and hacking. So I only go out to go to the stores for food or as absolutely necessary. I want the damn cough to disappear as soon as possible now, I am tired of it. All I have is in my throat it seems, it seems to be a sinsus drain problem right now, that is tickling my throat causing the damn cough.

So, I rest and stay home all I can and hope it shall break soon enough. I am sure I don’t have any other symptoms at this stage,I believe it is some kind of cold not covid, but I am being cautious and careful.

As I am in transition to a new state and a new life, since the passing of my wife, I go slowly and tried to be careful in all I do.

Hopefully 2022 will be better than 2021 has been for me, I lost the whole spring and summer of 2021 to my wife’s cancer and her departure from life. I stayed, I cared for her, I buried her in the end and by the time it was over it was a rough 6 to 7 months of one thing after another. Yet I did it right in my opinion and I will never regret how I did it. I gave my wife a graveside burial she wanted with no fuss or production and I even had the gravestone done and placed.

Now I must start the transition fully from Connecticut to Massachuetts. I am looking more seriously at finding a home as needed, and will have to transfer all my banking here and my funds too, to survive properly.

Means a long process when I am done to make it all official and so I can get to live on my own without being a burden to my sister and her boyfriend here. I have looked at some condos some I believe which are too expensive for me, and others that are not, but small. Then on the other hand it is just me, so doI need a condo, or will a mobile/manufactured home do me? I don’t know as of yet for in each case there is a plus or minus to them. Time shall tell, I just know I am not interested in a regular home where I must cut grass and shovel snow or anything else. At 65 I did enough of that stuff for 28 years of my marriage, it’s now time for me, to just live peacefully.

As 2021 rushes towards it’s closing and 2022 peaks over the horizon, I miss my wife who passed of course, but, in my case I spent 16 years watching her disappear on me, to cancer. Yes , her passing was a shock, yes I saw it coming way before it happened, didn’t make it any easier to accept thats for sure. But, it did make me know, I knew she was departing ahead of time and it cushioned the blow somewhat for me. God Bless her now, for she deserves to rest in peace and I hope God will care for, in all ways and let her rest without pain.

To all who know me, I hope and pray I can go on alone and will try my damnest to do so. How far I , will depend on health conditions, medication and where I live and who I know. So, as what other wodowers and widows now have told me pertains, we go on because we must and we must take it all day by day!. I hope the good Lord blesses me with many new years to come, but I will not hold my breath for anything, I am alive and must do, what I can, while here still. So, to All I know I wish each and everyone a Happy New Year to Come, in 2022, hopefull I shall see you all around.

Reflections on my life happen every year about the same time for me. It is the coming New Year that brings it all to mind. I think most of us in this world do the same thing come New Years Eve or there about. We tend to try to reflect, go over and remember the good things and try to avoid the bad in the future, making our lives, better by adjusting, compromising and ultimately fitting in better to society as a whole.

To reflect on my life I have to go back a long way, after all I am now 65 years old. Yet, in my first nine months of life, I survived a lot, if you stop and think about the 199 seizures I had and my mother worked overtime to save me from. If she had known the answer was just to let me fall on my head she would have let it happen earlier, I believe.

After surviving that kind of start, I did what all kids do, I grew up a lil bit, and learned a lot, although I was never an average or what they call a normal kid at all. I was afflicted with hyper-activity and attention deficiet disorder and still am today. Those two disorders, would lead to a rough childhood until I began to outgrow them in my early teens, 13 to be precise.

I am I guess what you call shy, and I avoided girls until I reached 14 or 15 if I remember it right. And even when I did notice them and felt attracted to them, I never did learn how to flirt. Yet later in life I ended up married twice anyway, never did figure how that happened.

I was the work horse around the home with my step-dad, who between the two of us transformed the home into a living enviroment for all of us. While my elder brother pranced off being a sports hero, my youger brother became a thief and a con man, and well there were two more siblings also, and each has their own way of living of course. Out of five kids in one family, only two of us turned out anywhere near normal.

I served my parents and siblings until I was 18 and joined the service. Then I served the U.S. Army, then The Army National Guard and Then The U.S. Navy, totaled sixteen years of service, till I was injuried in a fall aboard ship.

I served my first wife and my daughters as long as I was allowed to by my first wife, who divorced me without any real reason after 12 years. She knows the divorce was bullshit and so do my daughters now. But, we move on in life, because that is what life is about.

I, then met my second wife at a Single’s Dance and we stayed together for 28 years, during which I provided for her and did all I could to keep her alive with me. I took her thru sixteen years out of the 28, with her cancer and supported her, fed her, cleaned her, and even dressed her. I did all I could to keep her alive and with me. I lost that battle in 2021 in August. Now, I had to figure out how to pay my own bills, how to clean out a big house and how to put it up for sale. My wife handled finances in our marriage until she couldn’t anymore. I also had a bout with ling cancer in 2013 I survived.

Now I did exacly what my wife had told me she wanted before she died, and in the exact way she asked me to, once she passed. I had her cremated and buried, and without any production or show for all to see, It didnt go over well with her daughter or sister but it was how my wife wanted it for sure. I did all I could and paid all the bills, and went thru massive depression because of her passing and had to recover also. In the end I completed all I could for my wife by providing her a GraveStone and getting it placed for her and I in the future.

Today I am 3 days from the New Year of 2022, I am without a wife and now a widower. I have the home up for sale and I am living in a new state, with the only family I am close to in my sister and looking fo a new home for myself. Reflecting back on all of my life, I survived seizures, I survived beatings, verbal and emotional abuse and a military career. I have written poems, small books and blogs left and right also over the past few years. I even overcame being a High School Dropout, and got an Associate’s Degree in Hotel Management, being inducted into two Honor Societies, Aplha Beta Gamma and Phi Theta Beta too. I hold awards for my scholastic achievementsin college too, I graduated with a 3.7 out of 4.0 average. I came a long way for sure in my life.

So as I reflect back on all I have been through and survived up until now, I wonder what the future shall bring for me next. All I really want is peace, a place to live and be comfortable, I can afford, and friends, I can count on, to laugh and talk with. A plesant ending to a life that has had it’s ups and downs and problems, would be nice for me. I have had a long life at 65, even thou I am told 65 is young still, I sometimes disagree. How long can I survive now with my wife passed, I do not know, but I know each day is a new one and I go now day by day. Time shall tell.

Imagine, What Shall Be!

                                              William M. McCurrach

                                                   12/27/2021

            Imagine you were me, and in a place of growing old,

            I wonder why, as you age, life seems to turn each little page.

            We learn as we age, what to do or not to do,

            In the end we know what is right or wrong,

            Yet we know we must go on.

             Now imagine, a room, filled with dim lights,

             Music playing and singers in the night.

             The door opens across the floor,

              In she walks and your lost in her beauty

              Her smile and her style. Forever more.

             You know you have no chance, you know she is beyond your reach,

              No matter what you say or do or how your preach,

              She will forever be beyond your reach.

               Imagine what would happen, as you hear her voice sing,

               Her smile beams across the room, and brightens the gloom.

               Each man sighs and smiles at her, and she sees all of them you see,

               But all I can imagine is ,would she notice me. That I cannot see!

               There is a dream in everyone’s life,

               There has to be you see,

                For in all our lives there shall always be,

                One that gets away or  one you can not reach.

                 Take it as fate, or destiny, 

                 Take it anyway you can from me,

                 There is an old saying out there,

                  What shall be, shall be!

                  In the end, imagining is all I can do,

                  That’s all I can say to you!

                  I learned early and so young

Somethings you just can’t do or get done

                  The reach is too far, the distance too much,

                  So, it remains a dream in one’s imagination.

                  Yes so far, out of touch.