October 11th, 2021, New England, In the United States, at this time of year becomes a colorful ride up and down our streets and highways. The leaves turn their colors and begin to fall, the reds and golden yellows and oranges, brighten the countryside as you drive through. One of the most magical things about New England is the fall foliage and it’s changing colors this time of year, it is magical to see.

I awoke around 7;20 am today, I have a sore throat for sure and a head cold to go with it, it seems. I will survive it I am sure, but I hate when my throat is sore like this, it is like little needles in it when I swallow or talk, scratchy and all. I am hoping all it is, is a cold and sore throat that will disappear in a few days, time shall tell.

In the meantime the world is still spinning around and I am still kicking here on it. The news never seems to be good for anything when I hear it on television, it is always bad news of course. I tire of the bad news, of this one killed that one, or this politician did this or that. Why, simply put, I expect that garbage daily and that is what the american public eats up as a whole. Americans seem in my opinion to feed off of bad news daily and many get up and the first thing they do is watch the news and I go why?

Now there is a watch type situation going on on the Trump front, as Donald Trump holds rallies and gives speeches filled with lies and bullshit. People fall for it all and go Trump 2024, and I go I dont think so folks, he was twice Impeached in one term and never accomplished a damn thing in office and in the end caused an insurrection against our own government. So I know I will watch and see what happens, but I won’t ever vote for a man like him and never did. Just my opinion is all and no I am not going to argue with Trump Supporters out there.

Next up for me, the search has been on for this Laudrie guy for a while now, going on three weeks, I think. Now, let me say this, a man can last in the wilds for a while of course if experienced. Yet I doubt very much if he is in the Nature Preserve in Florida, I believe it is a distraction by his parents to protect their boy. The area in question has animals in it, and those animals can kill a human being, so, unless he has some protection, a weapon of some kind or a great way to get off the ground at nite or into a covering, he is in serious trouble trying to survive in there. I personally think he is not in there, but my opinion is just that ,my opinion.

Baseball in October is magical folks to watch on television. Last night I caught the end of the Red Sox vs the Rays on tv that went 13 innings. The Red Sox won and it was a crazy game for sure. One of the few pleasures I have these days is watching sports on tv, and the Red Sox are my team and always have been win or lose. I am a loyal Red Sox fan as always.

I am also a major NFL fan. Sports seems to distract me and help me to handle all I am going through these days. I love the NFL and Baseball too. I can get involved in a game on TV and forget the world for hours, by watching them.I don’t ignore all around me, but, I like watching.

Final thought for today. I miss my wife and always will, we had a close relationship and her absence since her death affects all I do these days. I do what needs to be done, by paying the bills I must, starting with her probate with a lawyer and cleaning out the house we lived in and then selling it. I will always have the memories of her and our time together will always be fondly remembered. I do it, because I can’t bear to stay in the same house we had together her memory is instilled in it and it affects me. Now, emotionally we all suffer when a spouse or loved one dies, the serverity depends on the emotional and mental attachments we have had with them. So yes I get depressed, yes I still do cry over her death. Yet, I also know I need to pull myself together, do what I must to settle it all and move on, I am still alive. Some have expected me to reach out to them and talk to them about it all, and I am not doing that. I never have and never will I guess, I am a realist in all ways. I understand that when someone dies they are gone forever and there is no bringing them back. I also understand that the families are not always tight or as close as some believe. I am far from stupid or ignorant when it comes to this fact. I know, the survivors want belongings and memories of her, and that is what they seek here. I am not stupid and i also undertand once that happens and the items are handed over, it is over period. I am not dumb enough or ignorant enough to not know, I am not liked, by them. So, I made decisions based on what I need to do in my life without them being there. It will have to do, and once they get what they want I will never hear from them again I am sure.

Time they say heals all wounds folks, don’t believe it. It may heal and scab them, it may leave scars, but the past doesn’t kill you, it only makes you stronger. You become less senistive to many things as you get older and gain experience. As Joe Biden our President today once said, “Folks, this is not my first rodeo here!” I have dealt with people with hidden agendas before and people who are two faced before and so much more, many of us ,have in America. We survive for a reason folks, why because resiliencey is built into us, the ability to overcome exists. I really don’t care what people think of me, I do what is right and move on is all. I know, who is who in my life and why they were there, I also know what their opinions of me were over the years. So, I just do what I can and do it proper and try to do the right thing and move on. No matter what others may think of me, or their opinions, I loved my wife, I stood by my wife and I stayed till she died with her and cared for her. If that didnt tell the people watching, waiting and who left it all to me, how much I loved her and cared for her, than nothing, ever will, will it?

To close today, let me say this, no spouse can do anything alone if married and my wife and I did all together. Someday, all will know that and understand, I am not the bad guy, I am not evil or unthinking or uncaring at all. Just because I understand the future and the facts, does not mean, I don’t care or won’t do what is right. It means I am not able to confront and debate and argue and refuse to is all, why should I? My wife died with two people by her side on August 10th, 2021, myself and my sister, no one else. I did what was right by her then, and since, and will continue to.

I awoke about 10 minutes to 7 am today. I sleep now some, so it is not too bad for me, rest is vital when your 65 years old. Being 65 and being without my wife is not easy, learning to pay my own bills and having no one to talk to when alone takes some getting used to. I miss her company, being able to talk to her and her presence, but, I also know her long battle with cancer is over and there is no more pain or discomfort for her. I also know I did all I could for her to keep her painless and alive for as long as I could.

Each day I find myself, thinking of our life together, in one way or another. We had a good life and a long time together 28 years worth, I would not give up one day of it with her.

Now I must face the world alone and the process is not easy each day. I want to talk to her, ask her advice or just be with her but she is gone.There is nothing I can do about that except feel the want to see her again. I know she can’t come back, and I feel the loss daily. I will always feel the loss from her passing, she was that big in my life.

After filling two twenty cubic foot dumpsters, and setting the house up for an estate sale which we will finish today and start sellinbg all I can tomorrow, I can now see the past slowly disappearing. I know, I can’t stay in such a big home alone and there is no reason for me to now that she is gone. I must move ahead now and find a place of my own.

My search for a new place has begun, as I search for a condo and a new way of living. So many things need done and done properly. The hard part was her burial and the headstone with both of our names on it now, side by side. I also got a Lawyer working on the probate for it all now. All I need is comps on the house to the lawyer next and that will happen once the house is cleaned out. Realtors will be called to give them, then I will send them to the lawyer.

Each step I have had to take is rough to do for I am shutting down the life I had with her to start anew. I need a fresh start, the memories will always be with me of course, but, I am 65 now and I am still here to carryon, until, who knows when.

That being said, life continues to go on in the world around me. I have been lucky to have a sister who is helping me through all of this. She is a blessing for me and I thank god she is here. I don’t know how long I would have lasted without her.

The world is a nasty place these days. Congress fights over budgets, people get violent and kill others, you have to be careful to survive even in america. Sadly, we are falling down a hole and economically and otherwise we are falling deeper into a hole we may not climb out of.

America also suffers from a problem Congress has not deemed important enough to act on as of yet but should. In American history, we have never had a President who turned on his own country to try to stay in power, untill Donald, J, Trump. His speeches, his rhetoric and his words, have already caused an insurrection, then, we find out he had the Justice Department try to overturn the election results and he pressured states to do so too. No President in American History has ever been Impeached twice in one term folks, Trump was. Donald J. Trump was total disaster as President and his record shows it. Americans need to ban him from holding public office ever again!

For those Americans who still believe in Donald J. Trump, I feel sorry for you, all of you. I will tell you, this man failed to sell water, steaks, Trump University and much more. He was laughed out of the United Nations while President, he failed to build his wall he promised and then he failed to handle the cornavirus, also. He told people to drink bleach folks! Sad. In history, Donald J. Trump is the worse President ever and you want to reelect him in 2024, what is wrong with you?

As time goes on, I have seen plenty in six decades, plus of life. I have lived through the end of Eisenhowser, Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon, Ford,Carter, Reagan,Bush,Clinton,a Second Bush, Obama, and under none of them was America so divided or so violent then under Trump. It was and is a sad fact now in American History and if anyone should not be able to run for President or public Office again, well it is Donald J. Trump, ban him Congress!

That said, lets discuss the murders in America these days, They are on the rise as attested to by the death of this young lady Gabby. people getting shot, taken, kidnapped and more across the country. It has to stop folks. As to finding Gabby’s finance, well let me say this, I doubr very much that his parents do not know where he went, thats the first thing, secondly, if I am correct, and he is guilty of killing Gabby, they may just find his body, he may commit suicide due to his guilt and remorse. Time will tell for sure, how many believe me or think the same?

Final though for today. As I sit here, I think back to generational difference in raising children in America. Back in my generation and I grew up in the 1960s and 1970s physical punishment was still used on children. Children were disciplined properly and listened and behaved better. Today’s children do as they please, are babysat by video games and cell phones and they do as they please, unless ,they get caught. Then they act like you took their birthday away when you punish them.We lived with it as children and learned from it all, they don’t. It’s a sad discussion to have, nowadays.

The phenomen of reality shows on television has become an obession for many women, it seems. Many are into Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and programs like it. They will sit and watch these women living out dramas between them and others, and go crazy over the discussions and fights between these women. Why I still don’t get it and I have watched them with my sister and gone what is wrong with these women? Do I really care who likes wine, or dresses, or jewelery, or who’s husband is doing what on the side? Why do these shows make it on television these days?

I suppose like many other shows they have their audience of course. The passion some feel for them is a craze, I do not understand at all. Sports seem to have the same effect on men, and they seem to paralell each other in passions. men do sports, women do these reality shows.

I have a problem with television these days anyway. First cable tv costs a fortune to have and it is getting out of hand actually. I know when my two year contract is up I am quitting cable Tv and going to only, stream, what I can. The prices are crazy now a days and rising. I never stopped to notice it, when my wife was alive, but now that I pay the bills, I do. On top of the price wars of television services, is the language and ratings wars. I have a problem with the language allowed on television these days. The get vulgar, swear a lot and in the end, the standards have fallen big time, since the 1960’s. The quality of television programming has dropped in my opinion. The language they use, was never allowed, back then for sure.

Now, what else is there to do in life, well, television has become a staple in many households as we all know. The first thing everyone does is put on a television when they come home it seems. So much so, people ignore their chores or important items, to see certain programs, they love. The television addiction in America, is beyond what people, even think it might be.

Whatever happened to other venues of entertainment, such as playing ball. kids playing outside, such things as roller skating and bowling and more? Where has the ability and energy to do such things disappeared to? Now a days, it is television and video games that rule. Kids have to have electronic gear everyday or they go crazy and get bored. Playstation, X-Box, Nitendo, Computers all rule the land, now. The internet is a vital part of life now in this day and age, we all have to have it no matter our age or gender, or race or color, why is that? Walk around some and you will see what I am talking about, in a mall or on a street, everyone has a cell phone and they are on it, 24/7 it seems, like zombies. It’s a crazy world out there, for sure! Americans and others worldwide are now electronic zombies, staring at screens and games and chats, it is not right and it can be dangerous.

The American way of life was changed over time and so has the world’s. Americans made a bad choice when they started following and doing as Bill Cosby said to do, don’t hit your kids talk to them. While the phycological concept is fine to consider to a point there is no problem with physical punishment either. We went from one extreme to another in the 1980’s and the crime rate climbed in America big time. Old saying that should still pertain is, a little discipline goes a long way. When I was a kid, a smack worked and made us fly straight, when we wouldn’t listen, today it doesn’t happen anymore. It is a failure to not discipline your children, that makes American Society go bad. Morals and Ethics are not taught properly, nor are manners, kids today have very little respect for their parents. It is a sad realization I have seen and recognized, sadly. Society in America lacks the discipline to function properly, period.

A new day has dawned once more it is now about 7:50 am here. I am now on my second cup of coffee to wakeup. The day starts out ok so far and we shall see what it brings.

Each day I wake up, I consider a blessing, and yes, I miss my wife, but, I will not give up. Life is precious folks we all cling to it each day, and I am no exception to that rule. Although when my wife passed on August 10th, I seriously considered ending my own life and going with her. Depression hit me and I almost succumbed to it, but, I reached out in the end and got help.

Now, I am facing rebuilding and trying to get ahead in life once more and settling all of her probate and matters. It is not easy to clean out a life you led for 28 years with someone you loved and who was your spouse. The memories come back and they flood you, but, you can remember the good, and forget the bad and then carry on, as you go along. It is not easy to do, but, as the survivor you must.

Steps one has to take when a spouse dies are not fun, nor is there any pleasure in being alone again, suddenly. Yet, many people experience it daily and survive to go on with their own lives and it is what I must do now. At 65, I have leda full life now in my opinion. I have had two of everything it seems, two marriages, two children, and even had two cats. I have seen cancer up close and personal and fought it myself and with my second wife who passed August 10th, 2021. They say experience is the best teacher in life, maybe so, but when dealing with cancer, it is a lesson I wish I never experienced or witnessed. They say, there isa reason for everything, I keep searching for the reason for all I have witnessed and experienced, and find it hard to find.

My life is divided into sections in many ways. Each section or period of time has affected me differently and combined to make me who I am now. I have learned there rae things in life we can not control ourselves as human beings. We try and do all we can to do so, but in the end it is fate and destiny that controls it all not us as human beings, or the Good Lord who steps in.

Anyway, October is moving along now, the leaves are changing outside, and there is a chill in the New England air now. Decisions i had to make have been made now, such as my wife’s burial, her headstone and mine combined, the process of cleaning out and selling the home is well underway also. There is not much more left to do really, except for selling all I can to survive and moving on from a marriage and life I loved. Missing a spouse is rough in all ways, for you live with the memories daily and you never know when they will hit you. Yet, knowing, she is now at rest and in no pain gives a manner of comfort at least. I know she is no longer suffering pain or discomfort, and that to me is important to realize.

Onward is what they say and so it must be. Time waits for no one and it passes quicker than we would like it seems. Time is indeed a precise commodity that we have very little of, if we stop to realize it. It passes much too fast for any of us!. I used to smile and laugh at people who would say the same in reference to their children growing up, but once you realize it, you tend to go, it’s so true.

As to the current state of affairs in America and the world, human kind has too many peoblems for one man to figure it all out. America find sitself in a sorry state, prices rise for the cost of living and Congress acts likea bunch of childen arguing overa candy bar and we all suffer for it all. The American Governement, especially Congress needs a change over folks, those who have been in office for too long need replaced, they are stagnant in their ways and opinions. Because they have the comfort of the Office they hold and the benefits they have, they tend to just stay in one position and arge among themselves, ignoring what we, the people, really need. We need to tell them in a not polite way, it’s time to act and pass a damn budget and plan to help us all, or get the hell out of the way. I know I am tired of it all, by now, act, do something god damn it. Don’t allow America to go bankrupt or default, if you do you lower us into a third world state status.

As life goes now, we have too much violence and too many murders, kidnappings and more happening inthe world and here at home in the U.S.. We havea societial problem with anger and frustrations and mental illness in America that needs faced and helped. Each day newscasts show the violence, the disappearances and deaths of innocent people women and children, black and white and hispanic and more. A wave of violence exists for a reason in america, it is fostered by too many people with predijuce and discrimantion built into them. You wnat to stop racial violence, or violence period, it starts in the American Home, parenst need to teach equality, parenst need to teach all of us bleed red, we all have the same needs and wants and desires, period. If we don’t the racial divides and violence will tear America and the world apart causing wars. We need to wake up!

Ok in the end let me say this, I am 65 now, I wonder, how long I shall live and i seek just a comfy place to live, a place to enjoy the ending years of my life. I have no idea how long I shall live, but, I know I served Uncle Sam for 16 years and did my duty. I know, I spent the last 16 years fighting a cancer battle with my second wife, who I miss dearly. I know, I survived lung cancer, myself also. Unless you have been down the same road, well, you get the drift, don’t judge me. I only look for peace, comfort and a way to live out my life in a decent manner, is that too much to ask? I hope not, time shall tell now.

Life so they say is just a game and they let it drift away! Seals and Crofts sang it years ago, and it applies daily to all of us. Live life fully, enjoy it while you can, do what you really want while you can, be with who you care for and love and in the end, live fully. Life is too short not to, folks!

Wednesday has arrived and last night I got to watch the Red Sox beat the Yankees in the Wild Card Game. Now, I am always happy to see the Red Sox win, always have been my baseball team. My step-father and I while I was growing up, used to watch them together, it reminds me of good times with him.

October is moving along and today is already the sixth, amazingly, time marchs on and life seems to, too, for me. At 65, I wonder what I am still doing here, I always thought I would be gone by 40 years old, with the type of life, I lived. But, I have survived till 65 so far and I should be grateful of that.

As the world continues to turn so to say, I stop and remember my wife each day. I loved her more than anyone knew or would know. I do miss her in all ways, but I also know, life goes on and I have to keep living until my time comes. Yesterday I talked to the man who is doing the grave stone for my wife and I. I approved it and paid the cemetary to place it. Hopefully it will be in place soon enough and, I am doing all that is right, by her.

Lawyers are on the job of course for me. Cost is crazy when people die, plots cost money, burial costs money, cremation costs money, headstones cost money and more. The cost of a person dying is a killer unless your rich of course. I never realized how much all of it cost to get done properly in today’s economy. I do now!

As all of the above is being done and paid for, I still have the house to finish cleaning out and to sell before I can move on. It is at times daunting to even think about, yet alone, do. Each step can be agonizing and painful, for you run dead into memories, in everyway. I loved my wife and our marriage lasted, we were together 28 years, the memories tend to come back to me, so I go thru up and downs of course. I try to remember just the good times, which for me is easy, because we didnt have many bad ones.

What does a widower or widow do when a spouse dies, and it is over? Well, if anyone has been thru it all they should know you pay bills, you make plans to move on, because staying will get you in the end. So, that is what I am trying to do, it will take time that is for sure. So many things to settle are here. You can’t settle it all alone, you need a lawyer these days and they cost too.

Once all of the above is done, I can then sell the house and move on. Then, there is estate taxes and finding a new place to live. So many things in the way of moving on and living again. It can be daunting and emotionally draining all at once.

OK, searching for a new place to live must be put on hold also, because in order to move and get a new place, the old one must be sold and gone. One step at a time is what I am being told and yes, it is all one, can do. I know, there is no reason to stay in a big house and pay for the oil and electric and more to keep it going. Smaller would be better for me.

How to start over or keep going is always a question? I only know I must, so I search and look at properties and places to go. I won’t stay in the same place I spent my life with my wife in. It will tear me down emotionally and I have already suffered depression once, I dont want it twice.

My hope is a simple one, I want a small place for myself, a dependable vehicle, and a simple life. I want decent, comfortable and safe is all, I am not young, anymore. Hopefully I can live out the remaining years I have left, in that way.

Fate and destiny it seems drives my life in many ways. I know it will be so in the near future also, it always has. What the Good Lord has in store for me and how I shall go on, is all fate and destiny,not controlled by me now, in many ways. I have always been a firm believer that we are put upon this earth to accomplish certain tasks set out for us by the good lord. When you complete those tasks, although you know not what they are, you are called back to his side. That is how life goes I believe folks and I can only believe what I believe.

As to the news and politics in the world today, people need to learn to compromise and get along and in the end do what is right for all. You can agree to disagree, but in the end, you can look at the world in a new light each day, and find ways to get along and compromise, if ,you really want to. Do what is right for all, morally, ethically, legally and it will work out in the end.

Tuesday has arrived folks! I awoke around 8 am for a change, for the first time in a while.

Each day, I hear the news and I hear more about killings and kidnappings and crime, an dthe rates seem to be rising. It’s sad in America, for as it growss our civility seems to go with it all. people are losing it and we wonder at times what is causing it, don’t we, I know I do.

The anger in America has been over spilling and it is growing it seems. We need to earn it does not help the country or anyone when it does and calm down. people who incite anger and violence do so because they have no way to face or handle their own problems so they tak eit out on everyone else or try to get attention by doing so. It doesn’t solve anything, but, it does hurt others in many ways. Old saying anger begets anger, violence begets violence also, period.

Next subject, Congress need to find a way to stop America from going belly up and bankrupt. Do we really need to become a third world nation, because cngress as a whole can’t compromise? It is time for the Democrats and Republicans to forget party lines and do what is eight for the country and it’s people as a whole. We go bankrupt, no one will help us in the future if we need it, so we better do what is right here.

Talking politics once more, let me say something here. Whether you area democrat or a republican or a independent, matters not. If you back Trump and his cronies, you are backing a twice impeached, ex-president who incited an insurrection and violence against his own government, period. while Trump was President he failed at all he touched also. His wall wasa waste of money, and the only thing he did was pass a tax law for himself and his rich buddies. face the facts please.

Trump’s asking a judge to make Twitter allow him backon their web media page is just stupid. If any Judge allows that or orders Twitter to do so, it is just wrong, he used Twitter to incite the riot at the capital that is called the insurrection. Twitter has a policy for a reason and it is applied to all, equally, Trump should nopt be an exception.

Ok, now, on to the next subject. People tend to watch news and showson television for entertainment and i have no objection to that. What I do object to is the priceof cable tv, and the amount of violence on television and the lessening of it’s rules and regulations. Words I never heard are spoken by actors in shows or on newscast, and they are vulgar in all ways or just plain rude. I remind all in the media occupation and in the television world children have access to television daily and your feeding them, violence and foul language, what does that do to future Americans?

This has been a year filled with numerous tribulations, problems and events, in my life personally and in American History too. I tired of the murders, of the violence, of the threat of our government not doing what is right for all of us. health matters for myself come to mind and so doe sthe death of my wife from cancer. Changes are coming for me and i have no choice in all I do either, circumstances effect everything of course. Gas prices rise, oil prices rise, food prices rise and in the end the cost of living rises period. We the retired of America and the disabled on social security and siability payments worry and try to survive, does anyone in Washington care? I am beggining to think not, honestly.

I am alive still at 65 and now a widower, which I never expected of course, to be. The pain and sadness I feel at losing my wife is very palapule and raw at times. It is hard when you had the same person for 28 years to talk to each day and suddenly there is a void in their place in your life and home. Yet, I know i am not alone in the experience for sure many are doing the same in the world, just trying to survive and get along on their own suddenly. Cancer doesn’t stop for anyone and it doesn’t worry who it takes or doesn;t take, it just does it’s thing.

I survived cancer in 2013, I was lucky to have it caught at a early stage for lung cancer kills fast. Why I am still here is beyond me, but I am, while my wife lost her battle after 16 years. What the fates and The Good Lord has in store for me I do not know. I only know i am still here and as long as i am,I know there is something I am here for, so I will live on, untill I complete whatever it is I am supposed to do. Destiny, fate and whatever the Good Lord intends for me, is ahead. I know since I am still here, I have to force myself to continue on. It is also all I can do for I am still alive and here.

Monday has arrived again, it is damp and dark here today, I guess it will be one of those days again. Weather is looking like a full rainy day to me. October is the time of year in New England when everything changes it seems, the weather gets colder, the leaves change too and begin to fall. Memories come and go and the day sometimes seem longer than others and sometimes shorter. I don’t usually notice it much, but, now that I am alone and my wife has passed I notice things I never did before.

Anyway, the house I have to empty is getting there now. Slowly but surely progress has been made and the sale of all items will happen soon enough and the house itself I will sell also as soon as I can. As I have said before and will say again, no reason for a single person to keep a four bedroom home by themselves, it must go.

Each day that dawns for me is a slow starter now, coffee, read online news and e-mails and then I have my coffee as I do it all. Each day comes and goes slowly when your alone, so you try to accomplish chores, or clean or just do anything you can to make the day go by. It’s hard when your alone for your thoughts and emotions come to the surface and unless you find something to do or go to, you end up talking to yourself. I know it sounds crazy, but, you try living with someone for 28 years and then poof they are gone, and see if it doesn;t happen to you too!

I can’t change the fact she passed away, nor can I get rid of the memories and I wouldn’t do that one, but, I have to push through to survive now, for I am still here and she is not. Life will go on, no matter what, and I am still alive and I have to live it. I used to be knocked and teased by my wife, that I was a realist, and that she knew it too and knew I would have to carry on.She was right in that sense, I know I can’t stop living and I have to go on alone now, I am not happy about it of course and I do miss her, but, I have no choice do I?

Anyway, enough wallowing in self-pity and memories for now. Life is still ahead of me to live and each day makes it clearer to me, that ,that is so. I have already done so much that needs to be done and so much more has to be handled yet. Like I said the house must go and all in it too. Then once that happens and gets done as the Lawyers settle her probate and paperwork finishes, I have to sell all I can to survive. Then, it will be time to move on and leave the area where we lived for 21 years and start over fresh.

Each day, I write these blogs and listen to the news. So many things happening, but they seem so far away from my micro-world of troubles and things to do. Yet, I know they will affect not only me, but all others too. Covid, the fight against a deadly virus rages on, fights over who gets vaccinated and who doesn’t, budget battles in Washington, DC., people killing others and no one knows why, all in the news. I wonder if there is such thing as good news in the world today, as countries fall to oppressors and we all watch it together.

America faces some very tough decisions now, Budgets must be set, elderly and disabled people must be provided for, as social security and disability payments are threatened now. Congress needs to stop threatening the elderly and disabled and start going after the rich people. They have the money to pay higher taxes not us poor ones.

Someone needs to find a medical coverage plan for all americans too. I see medicare and medicaid and they don’t do the job folks, I know it now. If Canada and other nations can give medical coverage to all on a national basis why can’t America do the same for it’s citizens? I wonder did anyone ever think of the simple solution of sending a team of people to these nations and finding out how they do it all and bringing it back for implentation here in the USA? They should! And here is another question, why is it when someone dies, it cost the survivors 10 grand to bury them in the USA? Shouldn’t that be more affordable also?

Medicare has limits, Medicaid has requirements to even qualify for it! So when someone has a deadly disease or is seriously ill, neither covers all of the costs and in most cases Medicaid does not kick in at all, because people have assests that disqualifies them. It is a sad story for sure in America.

Well, enough of the bitching and complaining I do daily. I know it sounds like I am just bitching and complaining, but if you stop to think about it all, I am honest. Today, gas prices rise again, food costs goes up again, and in the end the price of living rises daily. Recessions, depressions, and in the end revamping the economy never ends does it? We struggle to survive and the ones who have it all, multiple homes, lots of money, don’t help anyone else. The world is not the same as when I grew up for sure.

I’ve said this many times and I think very few understand it, maybe because they are not of the generation I am of. I was born in the 1950’s, and grew up in the 1960’s and 1970’s. Now, back then America was a all for one and one for all country. When you were driving down the road back then and got a flat tire or your car broke down, and were stuck, people would stop and offer you a ride to the gas station, or to help you change a tire or to call someone for you. We lived in the age of we, we, we, in America. Today, the country is now a me, me, me nation, I am gonna get mine and screw you. People don’t help anyone anymore unless they are family. Stranger dangers arise and haunt us as warped minds and souls roam the country. Anger is on the rise, violence is on the rise, and people sit back and go, look at that, and point and talk about it is all. Then, we all hide in our own protective shells so we don’t get hurt and do nothing to stop the killings, death threats and bombings. We sit home and watch it all on tv, like it is just a show, it isn’t folks it is real and it is sad. America is going down a path of self-destruction and no one is paying attention to it!

Well, I can’t change how all of America feels or reacts to anything, I only have control over myself. So, I go day by day, and hope for the best, but stay prepared for the worse. Isn’t that what all of us are doing these days?

I know life is not perfect, the world has it’s problems, and not everyone can get along, but is it really necessary to live life like, angry individuals who want to kill one another? Seriously, life is about compromise folks, and we all must do it, or not survive.

I was with the same woman for 28 years, I was happy with compromising and had enough and so did she. Isn’t that what life is, compromising, getting along, being civil to one another? Stop and think about it and I believe you will see it. When we allow greed to drive us, hate to drive us, fear to drive us, we head to a place of destruction for all mankind!

Let me say one other thing also here, I see racial divides and anger in America. Races, creed, color, or nationality has nothing to do with a thing. For it matters not, for we all have the same needs, the same color blood, and in the end we all want the same things, peace, and to get our fair share for our families and ourselves. We all bleed red, we all deficate and urinate and we all like to stay clean. We all need homes to live in and food to eat and in the end we are no different from one another as many want us to think, we are. Tell you what, you want to know the truth, go serve your country in any military branch in America, you will learn, all are equal, you will work with all and learn from all. There is no barriers in war, or even peace time in the military, you are one and you will know it too.

October 3rd, 2021, a new day has dawned and I awoke around 7 am, after a restless night. Even medication sometimes does not help these days. Daily medication pile up and I take them as needed, the human body though builds resistance to some.

Each day is an adventure yet I still wake up and seem to keep going in one way or another. I think at times I am more steayd than our government these days, even aftermy wife’s death. The government of the United States needs to get their act together, tax the rich and lets rebuild the infrastructure and the country as needed, stop bullshitting!

Today is the Anniversary of O.J. Simpson’s trial results. Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman have never received justice and the sad part is both families the Browns and Goldman’s have to live with that. I know many will say, I am wrong, but in my book OJ Simpson was guilty, period. I don’t believe anyone else could have killed them. No one else has a motive or reason for killing either of them. I believe OJ, did it in a jealous rage, when he saw Ron there. But thats my belief of course and I don’t force it on, no one.

Next the political climate in America! Lets face it folks, it is unstable and yes we are headed into a recession, can’t avoid it it seems. On top of that we have the budget problem andhow to pay our bills, we owe. Listen, tghere is only two ways to go on this issue, allow the country to default and go bankrupt entirely, or, pay the damn bills and pass the budget put forth by Prersident Biden. Now, America has never gone bankrupt in anyway, even though we seem to always come close to doing so. In the end we settle and find a way, so compromise will you democrats and republicans, and lets get back on track and keep the governemnt alive and thos eon disability and social security benefits alive too.

The Trump fiasco as I call it must stop. Listen folks, Trump accomplished nothing as President in rerality, what he did do was to change the tax laws to benefit himself and his rich cronies is all. He failed at building his wall, and so much more be real here ok! Now, let me sqay this so all of you understand me, Trump made the innsurrection happen at the Capital, he called for it, directed it and in the end refused to stop it till people died an dthe capital was damaged. He was also the only President in American History to be Impeached twicein one term. So, why would anyone vote for this man, in 2024 you tell me?

Ok, next subject, I watch news all the time, Vaccines and failures to get them are always in the news. Let me say this so all can understand me, it is not my place to tell you what to do with your body or health, but, I remind all of you the vaccine has saved morter lives, than it has harmed in anyway and secondly, we lal were vaccinated as children against many diseases and virues and we still are alive. One more won’t kill you and it may save your life an dthe lives of those around you also. Wake up, Get Vaccinated is my opinion, you do as you wish. Don’t cry if you get covid and a family member gets it from you and dies too, it wil be your own fault.

Lets, discuss the killing and disappearances of people across the country that is happening it seems daily and hourly. Every channel yopu turn to is covering these killings and disappearances daily, we see the hunts for the boyfriend in Gabby’s case, we see them finding bodies elsewhere daily too. Ever wonder why they happen? I do, I see too many people who were damaged in childhood doing these killings and kidnappings too. We havea problem in America that needs fixing here. people who kill, kidnap and do domestic violence do so because they wer4e abused or beat upon themselves as children. or They lack discipline and self-control and their rage gets the better of them. American society is far too competitive numbe rone an dnimber too, the disciplining of the children in America is lacking period. We ,let video games filled with violence, in them, babysit out children or television with violent in shows do it. Listen folks, there is no better discipline or raising of a child than their real parents, just do your job as parents raise them right, teach them right from wrong period. The increasein violence in America is far beyond anything imagined these days, correction must take place in the home by those parents. Period.

I tend to cover many subjects in my blogs. The last subject today will be the death of my wife. My wife and I fought a sixteen year battle against her cancer and we lost it on August 10th, 2021. Now, I personally did all I could to keep her happy, healthy and alive as long as humanly possible. I sat by her side through her cancer, through Doctors, scans,chemo, radiation and ultimately immunio-theraphy and in the end, hopspice care, at home. I lost it on the day she died and I lost it mentally and emotionally after I buried her. I am human folks and anytime you lose someone you love so much for so long, it is expected and it happens. I was questioned through it all in many ways, and I have to say openly and honestly there was nothing I could do, I would have done differently period.

I have to honestly say I have some anger and bad feelings toward some, and it is something I may never get over. I do not agree with some of the things I saw done as she was dying and I find it hard to forgive or forget them either. I am not a man that holdsa grudge or bad feelings for long periods of time, but, when it involves my wife, the way she died, I do. I loved my wife more than she ever knew or anyone did, I miss her terribly, and always will.

As time goes forward I have come to some decisions as to what is next for me. I can’t stay as I said in the big house we had together, it is being cleaned out and sold by me. I can’t stay in the area we lived in nor will I stay even in the same state when done. I am moving aay as soon as all is cleared up. There will be some who don’t like this idea, but for me, It will be right. I knew my wife and her thoughts and ideas too, she would not want me in a position of being hurt or suffering, she would want me to carry on and have a life of my own. As she was dying I told her I loved her and that I would be with her to the end, I kept my word. I did right by her in all ways I can, including her wishes after she passed. It is all I could do, if i could do more for her I would have, I suffered severe depression from her passing and still cry to this day over it all. I even got hospitalized due to it all and medicated. I never have befor ein my life, but her death was too much for me.

As time now marches on, I must learn once again to live alone, to take care of myself and to live once more the life of a single person. It won’t be easy, it won’t be fun, but it will be an adventure and will take an effort on my part, to keep going. It’s like half of me is gone for good. healing emotionally will not be easy.

I wake automatically it seems as close to 6 am, like I did today at 6;30 or so. Seems old military habits die hard and stick with you, no matter what ,you do. Yesterday was September 30th, and yes, I knew it was my wife’s birthday also. I spent it thinking of her now that she is gone and passed from this planet.Memories of her and our twenty eight years together, always come back to me, and they come back more on such days as birthdays and holidays and will I am sure. I will always miss her and love her, no matter what.

That said, time marchers on for all of us, including me. I must finish clearing the house and selling it, before I can move on. Hopefully, it will be soon enough. Some will say, why move on, simple, memories and the size of the house. A four bedroom house is far too big for one man to maintain and heat, the cost alone would hurt me.

So now, I look at house sales in the area of my sisters home in Massachuetts, why there, simple, she is the last family member, I am close to, and I want to be near her. I realize I dont need a big place when I move, so I am looking at condos and being 65, I am hoping to find a decent place to live, on my income.Time will tell of course, I saw one so far, but, it is not possible to get it. So, the search shall continue on.

Each day, I think about the past, the future and the present in different ways. The past, I try to remember the good times with my wife, who passed and the present is how to get things done and the third is what do I do, with my future. I pray I make the right decisions and I pray, my health stays ok. I’ve attempted to do right by all, concerning my wife’s passing and I think I have.

Will I be ok in the future and how long do I have left, I can’t answer these questions at this point in time, I must take one day at a time. I only know, I can’t wallow in grief, nor can I do self-pity. I never could and I guess in a way, yes, I am a realist as my wife told me. I have to deal with the real to survive and be practical.

October is upon us now, and the weather is shifting as the seasons change, the cold air is coming in now. New England brings the chill of fall and winter is not far behind for sure, it seems. The changing of the seasons in New England brings colors, then, it turns to a naked bareness, and then white before it wil turn green again next spring. It reminds me of the coming and going of the ages and the natural forces we have no control over each day we live. Somethings you just have to go along with, for there is, no changing them.

Sometimes as I watch the news each day, and see how the world is going on and I wonder what I am here for these days. When my wife was alive, I would do what she wanted day by day and take care of her and our home and cars. Now she is gone and at times, I wander without reason or purpose it seems, going theough the motions only, aimlessly. In everyone’s life there is always someone, something that gives us a purpose or reason to carry on. It is a part of life few of us really understand, until we lose the one or the purpose or complete it. So, at some point, we find a new purpose, a new reason or a new person to live for. So, far I remain aimless and searching, this much I know for sure,

Anyway, the news is always there when you rurn on the television each day or the radio. In America it is more so,for us. We have CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN, HLN and more. Each shouting about the politicians and what they are doing or not doing. Then, we get the missing person reports and the killing reports, and then always lately, economic bad news. It seems these news agencies and stations only report the bad, few will cover anything good. It does get depressing even in America. Sometimes, I think we are too conected to the news and the world and we worry too much, to even stop. We run to and fro, each day, work, stores and back home. Sometimes, I stop and think, the world is like an ant hill, we are like working ants, we scurry to and fro and gather food and drink and do our jobs and when done we scurry back into our homes/ ant hills and rest and do it all over again, each day. I know mankind, humanity is supposed to be the more intelligent species, but are we really, or are we just like the ants on a smaller, higher level is all, doing basically the same things. Ever stop and wonder on that one folks?

Anyway, from my view or front porch outwards, it seems the world is a mess in many ways. We shift through it and we skimp and save and try to make ends meet. We run into interferences like covid and illnesses and we attempt to over come them all. We watch one another, our loved ones, and our neighbors and family and friends and all of us are doing the same thing. Trying to survive, trying to get ahead, trying to make an income and pay our bills to survive. Is the rat race all we have folks? You tell me!

Is there peace to be found on earth and for each of us, or does it only come when we die and pass away? I wonder at times, I honestly do. As America borders on defaulting on it’s bills to the world, people panic about losing social security and disablity payments and insurance and heating costs and house costs rise, where shall we go from here Americans, where will America go, up and stay on top, or fall into a third world category and disappear? Is it possible that America has run it’s course, the Romans did, The Aztecs did, The Incas did, have we? We need to decide, and we need to do so, now!

Decisions are what make all of us, live or die, survive and strive, or lose our way. What decisions will you make, what path do we take, how do we save the America we all love and live in? Whatever it is folks, we must all do it together, or we fail as a country and nation!

September 30th, 2021, I awoke once more around 6:30 am, seems I never could get over the six am reverlly call in the service. So here I sit once more with a cup of coffee and my lap top, as I type away. Today, would have been my wife’s birthday if she had survived. As I look back and think of it, I also think of the fact she is now at rest in peace, and in no more pain. Still, I want to wish her a Happy Birthday, as she rests in peace now, for I shall love her, till I die.

That said and done now, life goes on here on the earthly plane we live on. I have made advances on the house after filling two 20 cu.ft dumpsters and having them picked up. The house is mostly cleaned out, an estate sale will be next, where I will sell, all I can. Once emptied and all sold, then the house itself, will go up for sale and I shall move on. No way a widowed man, can keep a four bedroom, 3 1/2 bath house and afford to run it alone and it makes no sense.

Proceeedures are underway or will be shortly, to clear probate court and then once that happens the house can be sold as well as any cars, I want to trade in. Then, it is on to a new location for me. I can’t sit in the same location we lived in and she died in for long, it would drive me into depression, once more and I don’t need that.

I want a small place for myself, in a decent neighborhood, and peace is all. A decent vehicle to get to Doctors and stores and a life where I can at least, enjoy it some, I hope that is not asking, for too much.

Once I find a place, I want to settle in and get to know new people and find a new life for myself. I won’t forget, but I will move on, for I have no choice in life. The world continues to rotate and life continues on this world each day, I am here. Life is a mystery indeed as is it’s begginings and endings. We know not why we are here, or our purpose for being here, nor when we shall be recalled to the Lord’s side. So, I intend to try to live it the best I can, and hope.

I know for 28 years all I ever did was do what my wife wanted, we went where she wanted, we did what she wanted and I cared for her in all ways I could, till she passed. I always figured the best way to keep her happy was to give her what she wanted most and do things her way, it worked it seems, for we had 28 years together. I guess I did something right, didn’t I?

Now, I know I need to move on, and not just quit in life. My wife would tell me so,if she were here to do so, I know that much. Now each day is an adventure and a process to stay alive for me, for I wanted to join her. I have figured out it is not my time yet, and I must go on.

I want to leave the house and the area we lived in behind now. I want a fresh location, a new life, a place where I can find some pleasure and live in peace is all. I figure a decent apartment or condo, and a life of adventure or of keeping busy. Busy is good for me, it keeps my mind off of all that happened to my wife, and lets me think of what I am doing instead.

Connecticut I was born and raised in and I must say has been good for me mostly, in my life. Yet, as good as it has been for me, I need to leave it behind and move on. I have numerous reasons for doing so besides selling the house. I am alone now and my closest family member is my sister, whom I love. I want to be near her. I need a new atmosphere and surroundings.

So, one day at a time and I will continue on slowly and at the best pace I can. All takes time, but life must go on, they say. The biggest problem for me it seems is being alone, I end up talking to myself and the walls or my dead wife. I need to be away from it all now and find a new place to be, so I can survive.

I figure a new state, a new location, a new apartment or condo of my own, But time shall tell I am sure. In the meantime, I go day by day, and try to hang onto hope, for the future, for myself. As to what it will contain or where exactly I will live, it is still up in the air.

News wise I watch as Congress battles over whether to pass a budget and keep seniors and the disabled like me going. I don’t understand why Congress, The Senate and House want to argue over keeping the government going! Each Senator and Representative makes more than enough and are well to do, off of our taxes, we pay. The least they can do is make sure, we the taxpayers are covered and cared for in the right way. So, in my opinion, they need to get off their asses, and pass a budget and cover those on social security and disability payments and keep the country going. Stop screwing around, period!

I listen to news daily, I hear all the reports of governement shutdowns and payments cut off for many. I listen to the murders happening, the deaths from covid and so much more and i wonder what the hell is wrong with the world. Well, I basically have come to a conclusion regarding the world and America, specifically.

The world at one time, especially in America, was in the 1950’s, 1960’s and 1970’s, a we, we, we society. Americans would stop if you had a flt tire on the road and offer to help you change it or give you a lift to a phone or gas station. Today it is a different world, people fly by those who have a flat tire and not think a thing about it. America and the world has now changed to a world of me, me, me and screw you! What has happened is greed has grown and generousity and helping others is gone! We are now more concerned with getting our fair share of everything and the hell with anyone else. It is the truth in this life, I know I have seen it, I am now 65 years old.

I watched it all change ove rthe years and thought what is causing this? I don’t know for sure, but a lack of discipline seems to be the cause.People raising children in the 1950s,60s and 70s, used to discipline their children and teach them right from wrong. Today’s new generation, doesn’t do it anymore. There are no spankings, there are no real punishment for children who misbehave. Parents today are too permissive and allow the kids to do as they please. I just want to say, todays parents need to control their children, discipline them and make them earn what they get. Too many are handed video games to play and not supervised or the games are used as babysitters. Parents today seem not to understand their role in raising their children, what happened to teaching manners, ethics, and more?