Death Be Not Proud was a book written about a man’s son dying of brain cancer. It had its own meaning of course, that belonged to the Author of the book. The basic of it was a boy died, and no one really understood how or why fully. At least that is the way I translated it in my mind.

Now, as time goes on I know, death has now become a fascination for me since my wife’s death from cancer last year. I find myself, leaning at times to ending my own life for I find no purpose anymore in being alive here on earth without her. Everyone who lives and is living daily does so for a purpose. to reach a goal, to accompany someone they love, to create something, or to make something right. We all are supposed to have things to live for, are we not?

What happens I ask now when you run out of reasons to be here, reasons to want to do things, you lack the motivation to do anything. What happens when all your goals are gone and you are left, an empty shell of what you were, and in the end, you can’t find another motivation to carry on?

I find myself at that point in my life after my wife died last August of 2021. I find myself just going through the motions of eating, drinking, sleeping and each step I take when I get up is on autopilot so to say. I feel like there is nothing I am doing that is worth anything anymore. I try to see my way to a new beginning in the near future, maybe a new location, a new home, but I find my mind and heart, not in it. Without someone to share it with, or to be with me I wander aimlessly and have no real purpose.

As I now look at death and what may come I find just what I say to keep going is Death is Not Proud, but I find the resistance to it all slipping from my mind and heart. I find no reason to go on really and find myself thinking of different ways to just leave this place of existence I am living in. It is now just that an existence without meaning or purpose, so why am I here still?

To me, Death Be Not Proud says there is something to be ashamed of in dying, I do not find that so, in my mind. Without purpose, reason, to go on, why stay alive? I have had three people I have known in my life commit suicide and I used to think what a shame that they did. I don’t find myself thinking that way anymore, I find myself thinking they found the way to eternal rest on their own timeline and for their own reasons. They seem to me, to have followed their own reasoning and logic, to the conclusion they believed was proper at the time they did it. Am I wrong, I doubt it these days for I feel the lost, helpless feeling they must have felt. I find no purpose in my life anymore.

I had two marriages, two children, two dogs, two of everything in my life. I did all I could in my life and achieved a lot. Is there any way, I could have done anything I did differently, I don’t think so, at this time. So in the end, if I stop to think of all of it, I can honestly say, if I die tomorrow, my death would not matter to anyone, so I now understand, why Death Be not Proud! There is no pride in dying, but there is sadness in staying when there is no reason or purpose in life in being here! It only drives one to depression, sadness, and isolation. It may be that Death Be Not Proud is true, but at least in the end it is a peaceful eternal rest isn’t it?

I have lived 66 years and at no time in my life have I ever felt so alone and scared of the future, especially since my wife passed last August. I have tried to be brave, to be strong, to hang on and carry on as if all is ok, and it isn’t. I know I miss my wife, I know it is normal to grieve and to have periods of sadness and up and downs. But I also know I am scared of being alone in the future.

I know my thoughts and my emotions and feelings, and I know for me it will be rough and I am not sure how long I can go on. I have no purpose in life anymore, I find myself staring at walls, talking to myself, and crying alone in bed. I find myself wondering what will happen next, do I wish to see it and can I handle any of it? Do I really have any more left to contribute to life? I have my doubts big time folks, and I know some may think otherwise. I am physically weaker, mentally weaker, and emotionally a wreck and I hide it all. I have to too, I can’t allow my sister to see it all.

I know I had ten days in a facility to try to pull myself back together and it helped for a bit. Now it is like a page from the past lost to me like my wife is. It happened I know it happened yet, I can’t remember it anymore or what I was there for and what they tried to help me do.

Many think I am fine and I would never say otherwise, but my future is going to be living alone in a condo, in a community of 55 plus people. I haven’t lived alone in 28 years folks. I am scared, nervous, and under the facade of a smile or joke, I shake internally in all ways. I am scared, terrified of the idea of being fully alone again. Is that hard to understand, or am I wrong for feeling that way or thinking that way?

At times I think I would be better off not to be alive anymore, seriously. I think of what it would be like to join my wife again. To not have to worry anymore about how I will survive, what to do. I am lost, floundering, wandering, and wondering, how long can I last in this state? Is there a way out of it for me, or what will happen? I have no idea and it sends shivers through my mind and body, I have no idea how to stop the fears.

Look I know I can impose on my sister and her man here. I understand they have their own lives to live, and I am a burden being in their home. I also know, they want their lives back and their privacy too. yet I wonder, what will happen, once I am alone on my own, and there is no one here to talk to or see anymore. The silence alone will get me, and I know depression will hit me again. So, I have no idea what to do about any of it. I know it will be rough, and I have no idea how I will handle it or what I may do.

I have been down the suicidal path now, and I see it coming at me again. Will I survive it or not is the real question. For you see, being isolated and alone is not good for me and I know it. I have seen it already, and I have no idea what to do on my own.

As I see it, there is a great possibility, I won’t last long on my own. It doesn’t matter if I have a new place to live or new furniture. It will all be nothing more than material things to me that mean not a damn thing without my wife to share them.

I have been told I will meet new people and I will be fine, I don’t believe it really. I don’t see how it will be possible for me. Yet, I know I have little choice in any of it. I am not an extrovert, I am not a super friendly person, I am not someone who attracts others, impresses others, or makes friends easily. I never have been.

Each night I climb in bed, I look at the ceiling and then, my CPAP Machine, I fill it with water. I take pills to sleep with, I lay in silence praying to sleep well, yet, my mind is racing at ten thousand miles an hour over my wife’s passing, her burial, the way it went. I end up swearing at her daughter and sister for what they did as she died. I end up hating them and then trying to forgive them and can’t find a way to do so. I roll over again and again until I pass out. Sleep is not easy for me, these days, too many thoughts, visions, and dreams come to my mind. Nightmares of her death, hit me and I sometimes talk to her laying in bed and no one responds. When I finally sleep it is for a short period of time, my body jumps at times, and my breathing even on a CPAP machine is not normal, I sometimes stop breathing and I know it. It is all a pattern now, I go through each night. Is it normal, is it right, am I crazy, am I broken and damaged, am I falling apart, I have no idea anymore.

It is the hardest thing in the world to stop your mind from returning to the thoughts, going over the events, her death, and the emotional turmoil at times kicks my ass, to be honest. I fall in and out of depression and in out of thoughts of suicide. I lean to it and then run from it. I get the thought over and over, of why am I here anymore, what is my purpose, should I end it all. Somehow I hang on and I don’t know-how so far, but how long will that hold before it doesn’t anymore. That is my question that I cannot answer these days.

February 12th, 2022, I awoke early this morning and tried to go back to sleep after only four hours of sleeping and was unable to. It’s been this way now since my wife passed in August of 2021, from cancer. It is hard for me to get tired and sleep much at all. Why I don’t know for sure. I did all I can regarding her death and I know I did right by her in every way I could at the time.

Time, it seems is not being kind to me as I age, at 66 years old I am losing weight now, and not being able to sleep a straight eight hours at a clip anymore is not good for my health. I know it and I am aware of it, yet, I can’t force my body to do a damn thing about it all. I wish I could even sleeping pills don’t help these days as I wake up with my mind going over and over my wife’s death, my own future and where I can live, and what to do next. My mind races and I have dreams that come to me regarding, her death and how I miss her, and if I can move on without her at all.

Bills to pay, a house to sell, problems with the sale due to pipes bursting, putting money down on a new place, and hoping all works out has my mind racing in many directions now. I am constantly cold in body temperature and have trouble staying warm these days. Why I don’t know, I just know what is happening to me, or not happening to me. Each moment I am awake I wonder how much further in life I can go alone and survive. I don’t know what to do with my life anymore, it is as if I am losing my reasons to care if I live or die really. I know some will say that I am crazy or I am having a pity party or something, but the truth is I am trying to find a reason to keep going nowadays. Is that wrong for me to do, I don’t know, but I know what I feel and how I think right now, and I wonder what the hell I am still here for.

I had a purpose when my wife was alive for 28 years I cared for her and our home to the best of my ability and we were together always. I would take care of her, feed her, take her to doctors and tests and she would support me in all ways. We were companions, friends, lovers, and always there for one another. I so miss her it is crazy and each day is now a struggle for me.

Many will never understand what it is like to lose their partner of so many years they married and loved so unless you go through it all, you will never understand. It saps your energy, your spirit, and I wander sometimes aimlessly trying to make sense of what to do next. I get up every day and I see no real future for me, because she is not with me, and the loneliness eats at my soul and heart. Am I crazy, or am I losing it, I don’t know anymore, is it just the grief I feel, or is it a lot more than my mind and heart can handle?

I try to find small things to hang on to and keep going daily, but they are few and far between in a covid-19 world these days. When you have no one to talk to really, no one to share hopes with cares with, or love with you tend to go what the hell am I here for. You struggle to get out of bed or to shower or shave in my case. Or, get up and wander aimlessly to get coffee and stare at a tv screen or computer screen trying to connect with the world and not getting there most of the time. There is a sense of disconnect, a sense of being lost without a rudder, a sense of why am I here, what is my purpose is here. Will I be able to keep going and then I feel like I am hanging on by no more than a thin thread of life here.

I watched as my wife went downhill from her cancer over the last ten years of her life. It sapped her strength, her physical strength, her mental abilities, and finally immobilized her. I was with her every moment of it and stayed with her till her end. I cried and still do today over the loss of her and all she meant to me. I will be crying for the rest of my life I am sure.

I am trying to find a way forward, a new location to live the rest of my life, a place to find people and make friends again. Can I, only time will tell now, as I try to buy a new home, rid myself of the old one, and in the end try to start over. I knew the moment my wife died I would be lost without her, and I was right in all ways.

I took the advice of friends and family to sell the home, I knew I could never stay in it anymore. Now I am trying to sell it outright and buy a condo. Now, new is nice I am sure and many would love the idea of a brand new condo and a new place to love new everything. Yet the loneliness of it all and not knowing what will work or not work for me is a big thing on my mind now.

I am trying to take one day at a time, stay positive look for the good in life, and get done what is needed for me to live in the future. Yet I realize I am 66 years old, my health is not the greatest, and I fear aging myself and being alone forever. I don’t really know anymore what to do with myself.

Life is not meant to be a lonely time folks, it is meant to share with someone. If you have been alone all your life well I have no idea how the hell you did it or are doing it. I always wanted someone with me, for companionship, as a confident, lover and friend for good times and bad. Maybe I am wrong but I believe the good Lord made human beings to be with other human beings. Am I to be alone now forever till I die and pass from this planet? I don’t know but, if so, I know it will be a lonely ending for me if it is so.

I have family, but few now, I have friends again but few who know me really. They recommend and have told me to stay strong, carry on, one day at a time and do the best I can. I am doing that, one has suggested I should find another woman to share my time with and get to know, I am hesitant on that, for in my mind and heart no one can replace the wife I lost. I don’t think I am wrong in that assumption, or in feeling this way, I think all who lose someone feel it too. Is it right, is it wrong, am I weak or am I strong, I don’t know anymore, I just know I am here and I can only do what I can to go on or give up. Surrender has never been an option in my life, although I have considered it more than once now. I have friends who died young and one who or two who shot themselves and I never even thought of that. I don’t know what will happen in my case now, will I carry on and be able to handle the loss and pain I feel, or what options are left for me now? I don’t know anymore!

I have faced problems in the past, and overcome them, but this is not a problem you overcome when you lose the one you loved so deeply for so long. It is a process that is rough emotionally, and mentally and it affects you even physically over time, I know I am living it now. They say, when your husband or wife dies, the one left behind joins them soon after, will that happen to me, I know not. I wonder at times what I really do, for each day is one at a time.

February 11th, 2022, I have had covid-19 now, how I got it, or where I have no idea really just that I have. According to the doctors I saw at the Veteran’s Hospital in Boston my case is not very different than many others they see. We don’t even know we have it, and our symptoms are very lite as in my case here. So, I do not feel alone in the fact I have had covid-19, as one person told me, it looks like all will get it at least once and maybe more times. Variants keep coming and in the end, we will build immunity to it, at 66 I am scared of having it, but it is receding and I am fine right now.

The funny thing is I don’t go out much and the times I do are few and far between these days. Others go to taverns and bars and more two sometimes three of four a week and they don’t get it it seems to me. Maybe it is my age and conditions, or maybe some hide the fact they have it, but the facts are the facts with me.

Anyway, in two days, the Super Bowl will happen once again. Two teams will clash for the honor of being dubbed Super Bowl Champions of the National Football League, World Champions they call them.

The Underdog is who I will root for in this Superbowl 56, I always root for the underdogs, and in this case, The Cincinnati Bengals are it. While I know the odds are against them in many ways, it is nice to see a different team that hasn’t won a Superbowl make one and I wish them the best for sure. Can the Bengals win it, you never know on any given day do you, upsets do happen.

Against a team like the L.A Rams, I am not sure the Bengals even have a chance. The Rams have a high-powered Offense and a high-powered defense too. Can they beat, yes, but that is not the question is it, folks, it’s really can The Bengals pull off the upset? I like watching these games and wondering as they go along if they will be competitive or not. In this case, the only way it is worth watching is if, in some way, the Bengal’s defense can stop the Ram”s offense in my book. The Rams are a quick-start club that scores early and they keep going. The only way to stop the Rams is to stop their running game and bottle up Stafford and get to him.

How will Joe Burrow and the Bengal’s offense attack the Ram’s defense is another question here? We shall see if they can come up with an attack plan that can keep them in this game. Now, I am an NFL fan from way back in my youth and I will say this now if this game becomes lopsided and way out of any chance of the Bengals winning, people will turn it off quickly. No, real, football fan likes a blowout game! Lopsided contests become boring and not worth the time to watch really and fans like to see close games. So, I will await the Superbowl game like many fans and cheer for the underdogs and hope to see a decent contest.

OK next, subject, the Trump fiasco continues in America only because we the American people allow it to. We all know what Donald J. Trump is now and we all laugh at it and give him leeway and ignore the laws he broke, and let him get away with it all. It’s been that way for most of his adult life and definitely during his Presidency too and since. Why do we the American People allow him to do all he does and still go out and rile up crowds and cause problems as he is? He is being investigated for January 6th, tax fraud, and so much more yet he is still walking free, why? He takes Presidential papers home, he tears them up and flushes them, and gets away with it all, are you serious here? Look, I have never been a Trump Supporter and I shall never be one in any way. He failed at everything he ever tried or touched, he is a walking disaster zone, just waiting to explode. So why does he have so many supporters still after all he has done? Someone tell me why anyone would back Trump now!

I hear the excuses of Biden isn’t doing well in office, he’s old, it’s true and I won’t deny it, in my opinion, yet, there is no excuse for all that Trump did against his own government and while in office. Look, no one man can clean up the Government or what’s wrong with the economy folks, Congress has to help here. So, time will tell with Biden, but, there is absolutely no way, Donald J. Trump should be allowed anywhere near the public, office again! He is a danger to Democracy, the Republic we live in, and our way of life period.

I suggest and ask Congress and both main parties to get together and bring in independents too and ban Donald J. Trump from ever holding public office in America now. Donald Trump should be banned from public office, his pension and benefits and security removed from him and he should be charged for all he did in the Insurrection on January 6th, 2021. If he isn’t charged or banned it can happen again, let’s not let it. Call your Representative, your Senator, tell them, Ban Donald J. Trump, from holding any office, push for the removal of his pension, his benefits, and security, he is rich anyway and doesn’t need it. Plus in my book, he is one of the biggest con men and criminals in American Political History. He brought Qanon, The Proud Boys, and more to Washington at his request, they destroyed the capital and attacked the government, if you allow him to do it again you deserve what you get is what I will say, which will probably be an authoritarian government or a tyrant in the White House. Are we still a democracy and republic or will we lose it to a man like Trump? You Tell Me!

On February 9th, yesterday I went to the Veteran’s Hospital in Boston for the first time. I was trying to transfer my care for all areas I am covered in up here. I had to get tested for covid before any Doctor would see me and well surprise, surprise the test came back positive. I am now a person who has covid in America and as one person told me, all will probably get it. The symptoms I had were no more than a sinus drip into my throat and an achy body. I didn’t even think I had it at all, yet I do. A second test was taken and sent into the lab and I will be called with the results in a few days I am told.

In the meantime I am now staying in one room and away from all people. I may have got it from someone, but I refuse to be the one passing it around much at all. I wear a mask when I go near anyone now or even in the same room with anyone. I take decongestion pills, and my regular pills also. I suffer from other medical problems too, like diabetes, and blood pressure problems so I have to stay safe and fight his through. Each day has been a fight to keep going since my wife passed, this is now just another hoop to jump through and survive I gather. Seems, these days everything isn’t going easy for me at all.

In the meantime I am currently selling the old home I had with my wife who passed, trying to buy a new place to move into after I have emptied the old one. Sell this, sell that, pay the bills, fix the old house for closing. One thing after another, it seems to keep popping up and getting in my way. I will press on and be persistent of course, I really have no choice, right now.

I have said this before in blogs and I will say it again, every day is an adventure and a fight o survive when you get to your sixties folks. As we age the mind stays clear for most of us unless we face mental illness of some kind or things like cancer like my wife had. I am also a cancer victim myself so I have to be careful about covid that I now have, I have a lobe and a third less in lungs than anyone else. BUt surviving and fighting my way through it all is what I shall do.

I have said it before I am attempting to survive my wife’s death and to move forward with my own in any way I can. Finding a place I can live in comfort, make new friends and stay healthy, and have some fun will not be easy, but, I shall do it. I just want to be comfortable, to live in peace. I will have to file taxes of course this year in the near future also since no taxes were for the last two years by my wife. One thing after another keeps popping up for sure. Will I find peace and comfort and be able to enjoy the end of my life as I go forward, time shall tell is all I can say.

Ok, a new day is dawning once again! It seems we in the United States have a problem and many are too gullible or don’t pay enough attention to the facts in the world and about people in general. Many become blind loyalists and no matter what you do, even if you were to smack them with a hammer, they wouldn’t listen to facts and reason. Now, I only mean that in a non-physical way of course, but, when you try to change someone’s opinions, and they don’t get it you have one choice left and that is to let them be.

Case in point, Donald J. Trump, ex-President,, twice impeached, he has failed before he was elected President at so many things, people seem to ignore them all. He failed at selling steaks, water, creating a Trump University, and much more. He cheated I don’t know how many contractors are out of their money, it’s crazy. He’s been sued for so many things it would fill a notebook of large proportions. Yet, people voted him in for a four-year term as President, why? The man swindles contractors and the people of his own home state of New York dislike him severely. So tell me why do Americans, want to allow him to be President again? I can’t see it, folks.

As President all Trump ever got done was the passing of his tax plan to help himself and his rich cronies. He did nothing else right at all while in office. He failed in Korea and in Russia, he did not build the wall he promised, either. So please tell me why people are backing this man Trump!

I remind you he is a twice Impeached President in one term in office, he bungled coronavirus, asked if we could inject bleach into people’s veins to kill the virus too. That’s not logical folks and some kids almost did it too, luckily the bottle has a warning on it.

Trump refuses to this day to admit defeat in the 2020 Presidential Election, the proof is right in the open how he tried to rig the electoral college votes and more. He used a plan to change the votes by putting his own in place. America wake up please, this man needs to be stopped!

Because he could not change the electoral votes as he tried to, he then stages a rally on Capitol Grounds calling for Qanon, the Proud Boys, and others to storm the capitol, and stands back and watches as they build a gallows to hang Mike Pence his Vice President. he watches as they destroy government property, threatening Senators and Representatives and laughs. People go to him and tell him he must act and say something to stop it all, and he lets it go on for hours. That’s not a patriot folks, that’s not a real President.

When he finally leaves office he takes several boxes of Presidential Papers with him to Mar a Lago, after tearing up many in office too. The Government has to go get them back from him because they belong to the American People and go in the Archives. Trump took the documents for himself, for what to hide the proof of his involvement of course. I remind all, no American President has fought to stay in Office in this manner before and we have always had a peaceful transition of power in America. No President has ever tried to cheat and change electoral votes in any way in American History except Donald J. Trump. Stop and think about that folks, he was the 45th President, and none before or since would have even thought of doing so or attempted it. Doesn’t that tell you something about this situation we in America now find ourselves in today?

I have heard many still walking around spewing The Election was stolen from Trump. It wasn’t folks, he lost big time because he failed to accomplish a damn thing he promised. He lost by a very wide popular vote margin of over 80 million votes, and the same electoral college margin that Hillary Clinton lost to him in 2016. Hillary Clinton didn’t stand up and cry about it all, she accepted the vote and graciously conceded. The numbers were worse for the 2020 Election because Trump failed as President period. His failures have followed him around forever now.

Congress, both sides, The House and Senate, must use the laws of the land and the Constitution to ban Donald J. Trump from ever running for a public office again in America. He should never be allowed to run for a public office, especially the presidency ever again, and he should face criminal charges for all he has done and incited and took part in. Why should he be treated any different than you or I, I ask, doesn’t the law apply to all of us, including him?

He should lose his Presidential Protection, his Pension, and all benefits too. He instigated, incited, and led a revolt against his own country, can’t people in America see just how dangerous this man is? His rhetoric and words today in his speeches, still are inflammatory and angry, and still, he is trying to fire up people to join his cause, he has to be stopped. This is not normal political recourse folks, this is an angry man, who wants revenge and to get it in any way he can. Congress as a whole needs to ban him from any public office period and especially the Presidency.

7th of February 2022, the cold weather is still with us in New England of course here, although we all are looking forward to a warm spring.

Yesterday, I watched parts of the NFL Pro-Bowl like many NFL fans did I am sure, it is not what it used to be for sure. It is now played in such a way as to avoid all injuries to players and that is understandable of course.

Next, up for me is the Super Bowl I like to watch each year no matter who is in it, it’s like a yearly celebration game for me. I always back the underdogs, why, because it is nice to see a loser become a winner as fast as possible. This year is sure fired I back the underdog game, for me. The Bengals haven’t won a Superbowl and this is the first time in 31 years that they even got in the playoffs. Been a long time since anyone has mentioned the Bengals in anyway in the playoffs and I think that is great for their fans and them too. As to the results of the Super Bowl this year, well, time shall tell, of course.

The odds makers have the Rams as the favorites no doubt about it here. The Rams are a powerhouse team, built to move fast on offense and defense. Both sides of the ball as I see it favors the Rams. The addition of Stafford as their Quarterback gave the Rams stability there. They have running backs and great receivers also, and of course a great tight end.

The Bengals are mostly an unknown commodity to me, Burrow as a Second year Quarterback is doing fantastic indeed to be in this game. He shows poise, and determination, doesn’t rattle easily and makes some great throws/ passes. The running game with MIxon is ok, but they will have to pick it up in the Super Bowl and keep the ball as much as possible in this game. They need to find a way to keep possession away from that Rams offense. Can they do so, I don’t know, I can only say how I see it.

Will I pick a winner in this game, no I won’t, because I have been watching Super Bowls for lets see close to most of them. In many cases upsets happen and it can be unpredictable, due to so many factors, from the players and injuries, to coaching decisions and adjustments for each quarter as it is played. Then you have to factor in the Officials too, and you get mistakes from them also. So I hope if there is a close call, they do instant replay to get it right.

I still remember the heavily favored Baltimore Colts vs the New Jets. How big and bad the Colts were and how they were favored by such a large spread and the Jets came in and beat them. So, as we watch the Super Bowl this year, I can still back the underdog in the Bengals for fun and enjoy the game fully no matter who wins in the end.

Get some chips, dips, drinks and a comfy seat folks, we are now 6 days away from Super Bowl 56, so be ready ahead of time! While many will be crazy over the game itself, it is important that no matter who wins here it is not life or death, it is a sporting contest. Don’t over bet, stay within what you can pay out, don’t bet above what you can afford! And in the end, do yourself a favor whether you bet or not, remember, it is a sporting contest, anything can happen in it.

The year of 2022 seems to be moving pretty fast for me. It is one event or happening after another as I try to move forward to a life by myself. Sometimes it can get pretty crazy, due to what is necessary for me to do.

Sadly, I do have to go on alone at this time, my wife god bless her, is now passed. Many have asked me how I have handled it so far, well I do cry sometimes and no one sees me and when I do go out for fun, I tend to try to forget and move on. The mind needs to be entertained or kept active in the present, so it does not go back to the past memories on me. I suppose and can guess most who lose a spouse go through the same thing. Somehow we all manage to survive it and carry-on, it is now where I am at.

Next up, lets discuss the Super Bowl Contest coming up on the 13th, of this month. The biggest surprise is of course the CIncinnati Bengals. They surprised every team they beat to get to the Super Bowl and showed they area power in the NFL this year. From, Joe Burrows the second year Quarterback to the defense that showed they can stop teams and cause turnovers, the Bengals have impressed for sure. Yes they are certainly asurprising team and in the end they enter this game an underdog for sure.

The LA. Rams, have been a good team all season long and a powerhouse on both sides of the ball. They can run the ball and throw it safely with Stafford at the helm of their offense. Their defense led by Aaron Donald is so fast and powerful, it will be hard to slow them, from getting to Burrow. The have a full package of offensive and defensive weapons for sure. So how does this Super Bowl play out between these two teams?

Keys to this game are as follows as I see it. 1) If thr Bengals can stop the Rams from a fast Offensive start and hold them to 3 and out the first two times in this game they may have a shot here. The Rams are a quick start team and you have to be ready to quash their running game and find a way to sack Stafford. If The Bengals can’t keep Stafford and the offense off the field as much as possible the Rams will blow them out. If The Bengals defense stops the Ram from coming out fast, it will be a totally different game.

Now, like many NFL Fans out there, we all pick who we like in Super Bowls, before we watch them. So, to pick a winner here, by what team is the more powerful team, a simple pick would be the LA Rams. I am sure all the Oddsmakers and bookies and betting establishment have The Rams by at least 14 maybe even 21 points in this game. Yet they put out a 4 point difference to the Rams for betting purposes. Funny how they do that isn’t it?

Since I do not bet, and won’t risk losing money and a football game or any sports event of game, I love to watch them. In my view I have always backed the underdogs. In this case i will too, I want to see the Bengals win one, if they can. Any team who hasn’t gotten to the Superbowl in 31 years needs backing and support is all. So, I shall root for the Bengals and Joe Burrow knowing the odds are against them, but it’s fun to do.

As the days pass, and the year of 2022 gets going, I have to stop and wonder at times, how much longer I have left in this world. At 66 years old, and now a widower after 28 years of being with my wife, I sometimes believe the loneliness will get me. I came close to committing suicide when she died and if it were not for the Veteran’s Hospital, well, you get my idea. Depression hit me and I was lost and wondering how I could join my wife. I called the Veterans Crisis LIne and they talked me into going in for care. It was a long ten days of trying to climb out of my depression and to finding help on the outside too. My sister stepped up and took me in and has helped me survive the last 6 months now and I am very grateful to her and her man.

Today, I am selling the home and hope to close on it in March, once that happens it will be finding a home and securing one for myself. I have looked at brand new Condos, which interest me, big time, in a 55 plus community. It’s clean, neat and no yard work of any kind, no snow removal to do or grass to cut period. Just live in your condo, clean it, and come and go as one wants.I think it would be best for me to do at this time, it has a community center, and more on the property residents can use and most seem very friendly to people looking at them.

I will have to furnish it all, and set it up when I do buy it and close it. It will be a task for me, to pick out my own furniture for an office, a kitchen island, a small dining area and living room and of course the bedroom. Small things will have to be done also. Even may need a small wicker set of furniture for the deck. Some rugs for the living room and bathroom floors of course too. It comes with all appliances except a refrigerator, so the washer and dryer is in it brand new.

All of the above will keep my mind busy at least till I settle in somewhere. At times in go backwards and get down and depressed, and at other times I am fine, it is like a roller coaster of emotions, and I hide them the best I can, from anyone I see. Trying to stay stable, do what I can and get it done is not easy, so, I carry on through it all.

Memories, affect me and they come and go and I have to deal with them when they do. I had so many good years with my wife, and we shared all together. I miss her companionship, her knowledge, her laughter, and so much more. It’s like her passing left a large hole in me and it will take a long time to heal and patch myself together fully again. I see and meet people, who are couples and are younger than I and they have someone. And I think how lucky they are and how alone I am these days. It’s not the same to live without the one you loved so much and among others you love but, are not as close to. Family is important to me and I love mysister andher man, and I appreciate all they are doing for me and have. Yet, I miss all the things my one on one with my wife brought me.

I have always said, since I was a child, The only one who can mess with Mother Nature is Father Time and they have been in a constant war forever. But the ying and yang of such a relationship between man and woman when married, is almost the same. The open communication, the trust, the loyalty, the commitment and the compromising all exists for all to live well. It works between Father Time and Mother Nature in the same fashion as between a husband and wife. I will always remember my time with my wife and all we went through, she was a very special person to me.

Three days into February of 2022 now! Slowly time passes for me, as I do miss my deceased wife, of the past 28 years. No matter what I do, where I am, or what is happening around me, I find my memories of her surfacing for me. Now, there have been many memories we had in 28 years, and even to the day she died, we were close and I must say, it was a great benefit to me to have her. We communicated well, we stood together against everything needed to be done and anyone who came after either of us. I have many photos of her and I together smiling, happy, and enjoying life and I am so thankful for each of them in every way.

Some thought my wife was too aggressive or too nosey or too pushy and that she treated me and others in a bad way. I know she was brash at times, always thought she was right and knew best, but I expected that myself, for she was sixteen years my senior. He advised and helped me, in many ways, from medical decisions, to education decisions, to money decisions and I helped her in return in all ways I could too. I miss all of that these days as i try to carry on by myself.

We took trips together to Washington, New Mexico and Canada, we danced in taverns and we went to movies together, read some of the same books, sat in one office worked together, played together too. We had a long life together and i shall never forget her or all we did together. It’s a natural thing for me to feel and say, I miss her.

We did what few couples would do, we ignored advice from our families, reached out and helped them on both sides as best we could, and in the end we still stood together strong, loyal, faithful to each other. I must admit and say this to all who read this, the loyalty, commitment, caring and loving we had, led us both to never cheat on one another or lie to one another. In the end, when she was dying I was there by her side and I told her numerous times i loved her and her last words to me, were I Love You. So yes, it is normal for me to miss her and think of her, yet when the memories flood my mind and I feel I am missing her, I do not cry, I basically go silent, and hold the pain of losing her inside. It is not anyone’s business anyway is it? I think not.

Now as my life goes forward, I look forward to finding my own place in the world, my own place to live and starting over on my own, the best I can. I can only hope for a comfortable place to live I can afford, with no work or fixing of the home i live in. I hope to end up in a 55 plus community of condos among people of my own age. A place where there are activities to do, and people I can talk to in my own age range. As we age, I am finding it not exactly comfortable around those younger than I, because they are of a different generation and don’t have the same manners or understanding of life, events and interactions like I do. People my own age are much more on my wavelength so to say. So a 55 plus community is where I need to be.

So, as time moves forward, I hope to find my place and find new friends in a new location. I just want peace, people to talk to, I can communicate with, and a place of safety and comfort. Am I asking too much, I don’t think so, I think after the life I have lived, I deserve comfort, some fun, some people to make friends with and in the end, a life of my own.