Reflections on my life happen every year about the same time for me. It is the coming New Year that brings it all to mind. I think most of us in this world do the same thing come New Years Eve or there about. We tend to try to reflect, go over and remember the good things and try to avoid the bad in the future, making our lives, better by adjusting, compromising and ultimately fitting in better to society as a whole.

To reflect on my life I have to go back a long way, after all I am now 65 years old. Yet, in my first nine months of life, I survived a lot, if you stop and think about the 199 seizures I had and my mother worked overtime to save me from. If she had known the answer was just to let me fall on my head she would have let it happen earlier, I believe.

After surviving that kind of start, I did what all kids do, I grew up a lil bit, and learned a lot, although I was never an average or what they call a normal kid at all. I was afflicted with hyper-activity and attention deficiet disorder and still am today. Those two disorders, would lead to a rough childhood until I began to outgrow them in my early teens, 13 to be precise.

I am I guess what you call shy, and I avoided girls until I reached 14 or 15 if I remember it right. And even when I did notice them and felt attracted to them, I never did learn how to flirt. Yet later in life I ended up married twice anyway, never did figure how that happened.

I was the work horse around the home with my step-dad, who between the two of us transformed the home into a living enviroment for all of us. While my elder brother pranced off being a sports hero, my youger brother became a thief and a con man, and well there were two more siblings also, and each has their own way of living of course. Out of five kids in one family, only two of us turned out anywhere near normal.

I served my parents and siblings until I was 18 and joined the service. Then I served the U.S. Army, then The Army National Guard and Then The U.S. Navy, totaled sixteen years of service, till I was injuried in a fall aboard ship.

I served my first wife and my daughters as long as I was allowed to by my first wife, who divorced me without any real reason after 12 years. She knows the divorce was bullshit and so do my daughters now. But, we move on in life, because that is what life is about.

I, then met my second wife at a Single’s Dance and we stayed together for 28 years, during which I provided for her and did all I could to keep her alive with me. I took her thru sixteen years out of the 28, with her cancer and supported her, fed her, cleaned her, and even dressed her. I did all I could to keep her alive and with me. I lost that battle in 2021 in August. Now, I had to figure out how to pay my own bills, how to clean out a big house and how to put it up for sale. My wife handled finances in our marriage until she couldn’t anymore. I also had a bout with ling cancer in 2013 I survived.

Now I did exacly what my wife had told me she wanted before she died, and in the exact way she asked me to, once she passed. I had her cremated and buried, and without any production or show for all to see, It didnt go over well with her daughter or sister but it was how my wife wanted it for sure. I did all I could and paid all the bills, and went thru massive depression because of her passing and had to recover also. In the end I completed all I could for my wife by providing her a GraveStone and getting it placed for her and I in the future.

Today I am 3 days from the New Year of 2022, I am without a wife and now a widower. I have the home up for sale and I am living in a new state, with the only family I am close to in my sister and looking fo a new home for myself. Reflecting back on all of my life, I survived seizures, I survived beatings, verbal and emotional abuse and a military career. I have written poems, small books and blogs left and right also over the past few years. I even overcame being a High School Dropout, and got an Associate’s Degree in Hotel Management, being inducted into two Honor Societies, Aplha Beta Gamma and Phi Theta Beta too. I hold awards for my scholastic achievementsin college too, I graduated with a 3.7 out of 4.0 average. I came a long way for sure in my life.

So as I reflect back on all I have been through and survived up until now, I wonder what the future shall bring for me next. All I really want is peace, a place to live and be comfortable, I can afford, and friends, I can count on, to laugh and talk with. A plesant ending to a life that has had it’s ups and downs and problems, would be nice for me. I have had a long life at 65, even thou I am told 65 is young still, I sometimes disagree. How long can I survive now with my wife passed, I do not know, but I know each day is a new one and I go now day by day. Time shall tell.

Imagine, What Shall Be!

                                              William M. McCurrach

                                                   12/27/2021

            Imagine you were me, and in a place of growing old,

            I wonder why, as you age, life seems to turn each little page.

            We learn as we age, what to do or not to do,

            In the end we know what is right or wrong,

            Yet we know we must go on.

             Now imagine, a room, filled with dim lights,

             Music playing and singers in the night.

             The door opens across the floor,

              In she walks and your lost in her beauty

              Her smile and her style. Forever more.

             You know you have no chance, you know she is beyond your reach,

              No matter what you say or do or how your preach,

              She will forever be beyond your reach.

               Imagine what would happen, as you hear her voice sing,

               Her smile beams across the room, and brightens the gloom.

               Each man sighs and smiles at her, and she sees all of them you see,

               But all I can imagine is ,would she notice me. That I cannot see!

               There is a dream in everyone’s life,

               There has to be you see,

                For in all our lives there shall always be,

                One that gets away or  one you can not reach.

                 Take it as fate, or destiny, 

                 Take it anyway you can from me,

                 There is an old saying out there,

                  What shall be, shall be!

                  In the end, imagining is all I can do,

                  That’s all I can say to you!

                  I learned early and so young

Somethings you just can’t do or get done

                  The reach is too far, the distance too much,

                  So, it remains a dream in one’s imagination.

                  Yes so far, out of touch.

Christmas Night, I went to see Spiderman, No Way Home, with friends. As all know it is now the first movie since, 2019 to pass the One Billion Dollar Box Office.

I am perhaps one of the biggest fans ever of Marvel Charactors and movies made about or from them. I think I have seen just about all of them so far.

The interesting thing with Spiderman No Way Home, is it enters the multiverse, that has always been shown in comic book form. Makes for an opening in the plots and Marvel Universe that has not been opened before. It also brought back many criminals that was in themselves always fun to see.

Though I must say, they made the movie convoluted in many ways and it takes an effort even for a diehard fan of Marvel like myself. We all need escapism and fantasy-action movies to take our mind off covid, a economy that is not great, and in today’s world.

While the reviewers and audience have, given the movie rave reviews, certain parts of it got a little out of hand for many viewers. Why, they decided to make it so convoluted, is beyond my imagination, yet they did. Some of the charactors were well done and use din a proper way especially the villians in it. While Spiderman, the current version in the movie did a good job acting the part out, Toby McGuire being there helped and wa snice to see, the other one not so much in my opinion. The villans were well cast by actors who did them before and played them to the hilt. It was an interesting movie for sure, just not as well done as I thought others have been for Marvel Movies.

The escapism is needed, so Disney and Marvel provided well. I loved The AVengers Movies, and other so I am glad to see even after Stan Lee is gone his characters will live on in movies, forevermore.

I was happy to see that Doctor Strange was back in this one and that he will return for another film in the future. So,if your into Marval Characters and action movies, Spiderman No Way Home make sthe cut asa fun filled adventure fantasy film.

Hello, December 27th, 2021, yes I am still here on earth and my eyes have opened again! For that I am thankful, for it means I have life still left to live. We are now, 5 days from a brand new year beggining and that is a positive for all of us, still here.

As 2021 winds down, I am faced with re-creating my own life without my wife who has passed. I miss her dearly of course and currently I am going thru some ups and downs in this holiday season, for it is the first without her in 28 years. yet, I am determined to survive it all, and find a my way in it alone now.

That said and done it is onward and upwards I must go. Finding a place to live will not be easy, as I await the sale of my home in Connecticut. The wya I see it I must sell it to pay for my next place to live, or end up renting a place if it doesn’t sell. I want to sell it outright as is, and then use that money for what I want in the future for myself.

A condominuim would be perfect for me around 970 SQ. Ft. I need a kitchen, laundry, office, Livingroom, bedroom and bathroom of course and a parking place. I need big enough for comfort, but affordable for me. Clean, neat and complete would be perfect if I can find it.

I have looked in Walpole and in Westborough also. These were brand new condominiums and beautiful to see, in 50 plus communities. I like the idea of a 50 plus community, for there will always be something to do, and people will be around my own age there. I am hoping I can find a decent one i can afford and get for myself. I am even considering Fall River, if it’sa decent neighborhood and price range.

I look at Zillow and Redfin daily here in Massachuttes and try to see some when I can, I look but it is not easy to find what I seek. I have looked at Taunton, Attleboro, Norton, Walpole, Westborough and Raynham too. I watch Zillow and Redfin for what they may have in size and location.

I even look at mobile/manufactured homes on the market too, not because they are cheaper, but, because they are big enough for one man or woman to live in is all. Pre-Approval for a home loan I already have, but it won’t be for a mobile or manufactured one, I would have to apply for a different one. Some Mobile Home Parks are decent in the Bristol County Area here, so I look.

I am looking at being 65, soon to be 66 and wondering where the best place is for me to fit in and be comfortable and content. I hope I will find it soon enough.

As time marches on and I grow older, I tire of people who put others down, or act sarcastic or phoney around me. I can honestly say, I hate bullshit artists and those who havea broom up their rear end and think they are better than everyone else. They aren’t, they still pull their pants down when they have to go just like you and I. LOL.

Well, I must keep looking til I find a place to go and live. So my search wil continue. I don’t wnat a home where i have to do outside maintanence anymore, no more snow blowing, grass cutting or painting the outside of fixing roofs please. I am 65, let the young ones do that work now. That is why I want a condo, so all I do is clean the inside and maintain what is inside. Time will tell as to what I can find and afford.

I am attempting to stay positive, let nothing stop me from moving ahead and find what I need to survive as soon as i can. I hope it wil all fall together soon enough.

Hello to the final six days of 2021! Yes Christmas passed yesterday, and all got what they want or need at least I would hope. Spending time and laughter with family and friends is what life is about you see and the Holidays always make that special for you and for me

As we get ready to close 2021 out, I must stop and think back on it all. It started well in January and by March it went downhill. It was material things but my losing my wife that made my spring, summer and fall go by fast. The things I had to learn to do on my own after it all was not too bad really, but, learning to survive the loss was the worst.

Now I have to look ahead to what is to come, and hope it happens, soon. I hate being a burden to anyone, now I must sell my home and my wife’s old car soon. I need to finda new home, a place of comfort and safety for me, do I need big no, safe yes. So my search has to begin in earnest now.

I really only want a place for me, it must have laundry, private parking, a room for a small office, and a bedroom, living room and kitchen and one bath at least, full of course. Laundry room and machines would be a plus either in it or on premises. I know it sounds like a lot, but most of it is standard if you own or even rent in a decent neighborhood.

I have looked at Condos in a couple of towns, new ones they tend to be expensive if you go new, leaving one with a morgage to pay monthly. I just want comfort, safety and a decent area, and as I am seeing it a 55 plus community would be great for me.

One thing at a time is all I can do day to day now, so I do life, that way now. Now, as to any relationship happening I doubt it will anytime soon. I am not hoping around bars or dating in anyway right now, although I could if I wished. Some will say, the four months and now some odd days since my wife passed is not long enough, but, I remind all who know me and what happened, I have been taking care of a cancer ridden wife for 16 years, not one month or less. As few may know of me, I never learned to flirt, never knew how and still don’t, yet I ended up married twice, had two daughters, figure that one out folks and when you do tell me how it happened, LoL!

Now I am facing the possibility, of living alone again, after 28 years with a partner/wife. So I am also trying to decide if i will get a dog for a pet too. Time shall tell for sure!

I feel kinda out of place mostly in a new state, couples all around me, and trying to feel my way through it all. At times I am lost and I was never great in large crowds, so I kinda back off and hide in plan sight so to say.

As time goes on, I am sure I will come around, but it will take time for me. I have met women I admire and like a lot, but, I also know the phrase age appropiate and beyond my reach. So, I am not a fool, or silly.

Anyway, New Year’s Eve is coming soon, I am not sure what I will do for it. I am thinking maybe just a Tavern, and a few drinks and come home onc ethe New Year comes in, just so I am not alone. I Wish and Hope, all had a Grand Christmas and a Prosperous and Happy New Year!

Christmas Day has arrived for me, it is 6 am here now. The house is quiet, all are asleep except I, as I settle in with a cup of coffee. The party last night held here was dear, people laughing and joking and full of cheer. The voices rang out across this big house, as I grew tired and headed to be like a mouse. Unknown to all as I roamed about, that I was thinking of checking out.

While all had fun and got it done, I hung around you see, then when I was sure no one would notice, I disappeared to my room. For even I know on Christmas Eve, there was no room for depression and gloom. I hid it all and walked away and I awoke this morning for another day. We all had fun, I am sure, for even I spoke to some, I have never before.

There was no dreams of sugar plums and toys, or other girls and boys, there was the blackness that sleep does bring, and that is all I am remembering.

The house is full of Christmas Decorations, it is quiet now and no one around, and of course there is no sound, except my fingers on my keyboard tapping. As I write a Christmas Day Blog.

Christmas is for family and friends, it’s a day that ends as it begins, with laughter and joy, yet it was not the same for me and shall never be. Traditions, was what my Christmas was about with my wife, but she has passed away. So I struggle with new ways to go through it all, and thats all I can tell you today.

The fires are out in the fireplaces and the Christmas lights are now black, soon others shall awake, the lights will come on again, I know. I will act cherry and I will try to be bright, after all it is still Christmas today. I shall carry on ,a smile on my face and work my way through the day. Till it is over, and we head to a New Year, it is all I can do these days.

So to all, on This Christmas Day 2021, I wish a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, I hope it finds you with presents you want, and with the ones you love. For the Christmas Holiday is for all who have friends and loved ones too.

Morning world! It is Christmas Eve morning here where I am now and snow has begun to fall and cover the ground. Yes, the snow wauted till Christmas Eve, morning to come and is slowly covering the ground in a simple white coating making it look new and fresh to see.

Well, As Christmas 2021, is now underway, I hope all got their shopping done way before today. The stores will be full I am sure with last minute shoppers as they abound. The sounds of excitement will be in the air, and people will laugh and cheer, Christmas Carols will be heard everywhere. Christmas is a special time of year for all of us in one way or another. Some belive in it’s religious meaning and attend church, others just believeib it being a time of giving and receiving. But, to all it isa special time to gather with family and dfriends and to be merry each year once again.

Every year I have seen the first snowfall come, where ever I may be, and I see it as a refreshing of the land we live in and the world as a whole. It is like the planet is being washed and changed, to be fresh for the new year that comes. That feeling of newness and freshness that you can’t find in any other way.

Now, as the Holidays begin, I know I must keep moving forward with my life. I have no choice, for I am here and alive still. The memories wll come back to me, of the time I spent with my wife, who poassed, They may make me cry, they may make me sigh, and in the end ask one question, why? As my heart and mind flips through the memories of 28 years with my wife, asa widower I have emotions I must fight. Knowing, there will never be a bringing her back, I must carryon forward, for me.

Is life supposed to be this way, I have no idea on this Christmas Eve day. I just know I am here, and I am alive, so I must carry on to stay alive. Next up is to find a place to live of course. The home in Connecticut is up for sale, and I search in Massachuetts for a new place to live. I want ot buy my own condo if I can, but if I can’t get there, I will rent something, if necessary. All depends on house sale and conditions.

Ok, enough, with emotional stuff! Lets talk being a widower now. Being a widower is no fun for anyone believe me, especially me. I always had my wife with me no matter where I go, now I don’t. Now before anyone attempts to judge me, condemn me or any other damn thing out there, let me say this. My wife and I were married for 28 years together, before she died of cancer. For the last 16 years, we struggled and fought her cancer and my own in the middleof it all. Some want to believe, that my wife’s passing was too fast and sudden, that is a lie. When you live with a dying cancer patient you will know, they don’t go fast or sudden, they go slowly and that is what happened with my wife. Sixteen years I helped her through, prolonging her life each day through. So to those who think her passing was fast or sudden you are wrong!

Now it is four months since I buried my wife, and I now must get on with my life, I need laughter, I need fun, I need companionship and more to carryon. I can’t keep grieving, I can’t keep crying or stumbling over memories bygone. I am still here and alive and i need to live my life as well and happy as I can. I plan on doing just that now, as my Doctor told me, I did all I could for my wife and it is tme to do for me. Time for me to live thebest I can.

These thoughts go through me each day and night and I still survive so I know I am right!

To those I love and those I know, I say Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and a big Ho, Ho, Ho!

December 23rd, 2021 has arrived, we are two days not even really from Christmas! The stores are selling, the children yelling and the lights all shine bright. Smiles be seen, and some folks be happy not mean. It’s a Holiday we all love folks, well mostly. Some are sad for they are ill, or alone like I be. We can’t change what the Good Lord has in plans for you or for me.

We get the days of cold now and we wonder if snow will come, as all across the world you see, Christmas Bells are heard for you and me. We see Santa’s and reindeer and slieghs these days, and who knows if snow is on it’s way. People are rushing to and fro, and looking for presents for those they love and know, it’sa time of giving and caring you see, and I hope it continues for eternity.

We sing Christmas songs and dance along, like cats on a hot tin roof, all to have fun and to make it homespun for you and for me. We want to make each other smile, we want to spend some real time for a while, enjoying who our families be, and of course enjoying you and me.

We gather around a fireplace, or a table full of food, and sometimes, for some of us, the tradition is around that Christmas Tree. We watch the children young at heart, wait for their presents with a hopeful heart. Each gift is handed out you see, and we smile and laugh around the tree.

Christmas time will find us, no matter where we be, if the Good Lord wants us to see, we shall, for you and me. Hope fills the air for all in one way or another, doesn’t matter if sister or, brother, father or mother. It hits all of us each each, that in the end we are lucky to be here.

So, as the day gets closer and the celebrations begin, just remember it is not the materials things you get, but, the love and joy you give out and get in. Christmas is not about the presents folks, it’s about spending time with the loved ones you have and friends and family are all we have. Treat each other with joy and laughter, help with advice and just being there is nice. Remember for me, and for those we may have lost, it’s who gives most, cares more that counts, not the coins spent or the amount, it’s the thought. Life is far too short, not to make it pleasant and nice, please remember whatever you do, you dont get to do it twice. We are not remembered when we pass from this world, for material things, we are remembered for the love and the caring we bring.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all out there!

I listen to and watch and read cancer patients talking about their journies through it all everyday online. Today, I think about my own journey with cancer and I am 65 now.

I was young in 1971 when my mother’s father died of cancer in a nursing home. Then all seemed fine for a long time. next in line for me, with dealing with cancer, came in 1984, when I received a call that my real father had passed in New Jersey from it. It would be a little while and a few years when suddenly, my step-father, died from cancer in 1990, and then one year and a day later my mother lost her battle with cancer, also.

It was like a ping ball ball being slapped around as cancer kept coming into my life left and right. I thought I had escaped cancer and it was gone. Then I found out my first wife had cancer and had survived it, and after i got married, my second wife got breast cancer and we fought it into remission. In between in 2013, I was diagnoised with lung cancer and lost a lobe and a third of my right lung to it and survived. But three years later my wife’s cancer came storming back and we fought it for her final 8 years total till she passed in August of 2021. So, since 2006, I have been fighting cancer in one way or another folks. I buried my wife in August of 2021.

Well twists and turns do happen as do unexpected things in life. I had a Cat Scan done in early December and the results reached me today December 22nd, 2021. The letter reads as follows from my Doctor; The CT Scan of your lungs shows very small (<2mm) lung nodules in the right lobe. These are not concerning, but due to my history of lung cancer, I am going to need a repeat test in six months. They will also being taking blood work for it. Now, I have fought cancer all my life in one way or another that is for sure and I am growing tired but will fight on. I know when my wife died in August I wanted to go with her and almost did, if not for the Veteran’s Crisis line, I was depressed and suicidal then. I hope with this news, I do not slide back, to that state once more.

I am going to try to get thru the holidays and make it into the New Year, I am sure, without a problem. But, who knows what will happen next. All I can do is keep positive, fight the best I can and try hard to take care of myself, the best way, I know how. As I have always said I can only take it, one day at a time.

I have personally avoided any discussions regarding Covid Vaccinations since covid began or came about. Why, well simply put, too many are angery or upset by the Governement and Medical Personell telling all to get vaccinated. So, I want to weigh in on this subject, but I do not wish to argue, fight, or seem like i am attacking anyone on either side of the equation here.

Covid is a virsus now that wil probally be around for many decades to come ,maybe even lifetimes to come. It will take scientific processes to beat it that have not been developed as of yet. Mankind will have to find the answers in a slow and deliberate way to kill the virus or get a lifetime lasting vaccination for it.

Now, before I go any further here in this blog, discussing this subject, I wish to acknowledge I am no medical expert nor am I a scientist who fully understands this virus it effects or where it came from. What I am is a man, who is witnessing numerous people getting the virus as it mutates and changes and kills people. Now, I know the numbers go up and they come down as the virus spreads, and I know those who have health related issues are most at risk, for I am one of those, myself. I can”t change those facts folks and no one else will either. I know that I had no choice but to get my vaccinations and the booster and the flu vaccination this year too. I am a lung cancer survivor number one, number two I am a type 2 diabeties patient also. So in my case I got all of the shots and the flu shot to stay alive, due to the mitigating circumstances and conditions I have.

Now, I have seen many who refuse to get the vaccinations and who argue with or disagree with the function and reasons for getting them.I am not in a position to say who is right or who is wrong here, as to whether someone should or should not get them. Yet, I see the problems with people not getting them and the results. Look you can scream the pot is full, or the pot is empty, you can scream it’s half full or whatever, in the end, the virus will not disappear and by not getting the vaccines, you put yourself at risk of getting the virus and getting severly sick or even dying from it if you contact it, in anyway. Now, I have heard people argue, they don’t want the vaccine in their body, they have had covid and survived it already, and then heard and seen on television, people who had the virus and have gotten the vaccine and still have died from it. So, the choice is a personal one I know for we all own the rights to our own choices and bodies. But, I wonder why so many refuse to even think of getting the vaccinations.

What fear is there to getting a vaccination that may save your life foks, tell me please! Is there a logical reason for not getting a vaccination that can stop a virus that is spreading like wildfire in the world from killing you? I don’t think so, just look back in history, look at the polio vaccination we all recieve as babies, it worked. Now, if that isn’t enough to believe in, let me tell you this, all of us born in America after the 1930s and on, have had all kinds of vaccinations, and they have worked and we are still here today. So what is the logic and common sense in not getting vaccinated against covid today in America?

What drives these reactions in many people, is simply put, either fear of the vaccine for some reaction you may get from it, or not enough knowledge about it in and of itself. Knowledge is power they say, and I know one thing whichever way you lean, vaccine or no vaccine, it is you who are taking the chance with your life, and if you contact the covid virus of those you love and are friends with too. For if you get it and don’t know it is it, and it can be a mild version mind you, it doesn’t make it less spreadable or virtulant either. So, one cough, one sneeze and you infect those you love or care about around you too. Will you feel good or be able to handle it when you may survive it but a loved one or friend of yours dies from it, and you know you gave it to them? I know i wouldn’t be able to live with that one myself, can you?

I tire of the debates on wearing masks, not wearing masks, getting the damn vaccinations or not getting them. Why, because in the end folks, you can ride a horse to water, but you can’t force then to drink! Otherwise you can explain the vaccine, you can offer it to all for free and you can recommend people get it. What you can’t do is force people against their will to do anything they don’t want to do. There is no debate really here, what there is isa rebellion from 40 percent of Americans against authority and being told to get vaccinated, and beliving they are being forced into it. They don’t get what Uncle Sam is saying properly for no one is explaining it correctly and they makea daily issue of it by strong hard speeches and then by pushing it on all. Offer it yes, have it available yes, but like ciggerettes and drugs and more, a person wil only do what they belive they want to do period, if they are so dead set against the vaccine, then, you can’t change them, let them be. They are responsible for their own healthcare and bodies and themselves.I just wishthey woulkd get out of theor own heads and start to think of the loved ones and friends they interact with daily instead of just themselves.

Covid has now mutated numerous times, each version of it has different effects on the human body and although the latest Omicrn has only killed one person so far, how do we know what it may mutate into next and how bad it will spread? We don’t folks.