August 27th, 2022, Morning came to me at 4:55 am today, my eyes opened and here was the world once more. I am amazed actually to still being here, but, time does go on and so does life for me.

I watch the new daily, I see the violence and anger in the world and go why at times like many others do. It just seems to increase daily, or if it doesn’t it stays at levels it should never have reached in American Society. I tire of hearing it at times and I wonder more than most why the Republican Party is still backing Donald J. Trump at this time. Are these republicans blind, stupid or unable to comprehend reality here. Look I will say this, how can any republican sit back and back Trump, knowing what we all know now?

1. Donald J. Trump is hated asa businessman, he does not pay full price for anything and he stiffs his contractors who work for him.
2. Trump failed at selling water, steaks and even a college. Sad.
3. Trump is the only President in American history to be twice impeached in one term in office.
4. Trump set up and ordered and pushed an insurrection against the American Government, while he was its own leader! Who the hell does that?
5. Trump refused to concede the election he lost, by the same electoral numbers that Clinton lost to him. Same numbers folks, and he said the election was stolen from him, lies.
6. Trump took secret, top secret and higher secret documents from the White House to Mar-A-Lago and hid them in his estate. Why? and For what Purpose?
7. When asked to return said documents, Trump fought it and then gave up 15 boxes in January of 2021 and then hid the rest.
8. Then when the Archives Department asked for the rest Trump hid them and said he had no more. So The Justice Department stepped in and went looking for them.
9. Trump’s refusal to turn all documents over and his hiding them, led the Justice Department using The FBI to come looking for said documents and more.
10. So, Trump was approached with requests first to get the documents back, then he was legally asked to turn then over, before the Justice Department had to get a Search Warrant for his property and search it.
11. Upon searching Mar-a-Lago, the FBI found more boxes of documents, marked secret and above and confiscated then under the search warrant that was issued.
12. We now know Trump had secret and above documents in his possession in Mar-a-Lago and he refused to turn them over. We also know he is being investigated for espionage, Obstruction of Justice and more. We have now seen the Search Warrant, the list of materials gathered and the affidavit concerning it all. Yes it is redacted, and I don’t blame the Judge or the Justice Department for that, the witnesses have to be protected, so do the agents in the case. It is only common sense and logic they do so, otherwise Trump will sic his followers on them.
13. As the case builds and builds, I am sure at some point Trump will have to face an indictment here and charges. If he doesn’t, it will kill the legal system in America and kill the thought of all Americans are equal under the law. That in and of itself will rock the very foundation of our republic and democracy. No man or woman is above the law, I don’t care if you are an ex-President or not.
14. As this case goes forward, those who blindly followed Trump, will pay the price also, if you don’t believe that then you are blind yourself. Ask those already convicted and serving time in prison and jail cells, from the January 6th, attack he set off.
15. There are politicians out there, who need arrested as well as Trump’s personal lawyer Rudy. They will claim Lawyer, client privileges and executive too, in the end none apply here. The evidence is damning for Trump, his lawyers who backed him and helped him also.

So let me say this in ending before you blindly back anyone for public office of any kind, investigate them, check them out yourself. Don’t get caught up in the bullshit they spout for the jail cells are filling up, with those people who did so following Trump.

It is unprecedented for a President to be so investigated in four states for numerous charges and actions he did. No President in American History or candidate for President did what Trump is being accused of ! Remember that and there are 46 Presidents to look back on now. People are trying to dodge testifying in all these cases, Rudy, Graham, and others, Roger Stone, Steve Bannon, the names are growing and the list gets deeper as it goes on. Why are they hiding or dodging or not wanting to testify, or taking the Fifth like Trump did? They are guilty, is why! Remember Donald Trump said it himself many times, people who take the fifth are either mobsters or hiding the truth. It is true isn’t it Donald Trump, look at you taking the fifth so many times.

The only way this Trump fiasco disappears, is 1) Trump gets indicted, 2) He gets charged 3) He is tried in a court of law like everyone else.

To prevent future problems like this Trump and all his cronies, including Bannon, Rudy, Roger Stone and more need to be banned from politics in America. Trump needs to be banned legally from ever running for public office again, he is criminal. Congress can do this, if they have the guts to do so and the republicans stop kissing Trump’s ass now. The Republican party, has got to realize that Trump is going down, he cannot lead their ticket in 2024, or they will lose so badly, their party will disappear. Democrats will vote against him, Independents will too and many Republicans are now realizing it. The Republican Party, will cease to exist if they continue to back Donald J. Trump! They need to wake up, now! Trump must be banned from holding public office ever again, just based on his stealing or taking the classified documents he took. I don’t care what his reasoning is as to why he took them, or refused to give them back. He has in his possession, secret and top secret documents of the United States Government period. Why, who was he going to give them to, or trade them with, or show them to, or blackmail with them? Explain that to me, Trump Supporters Republicans, please explain why he had the documents, refused to return them and what his purpose was to, having them!

The current Donald J. Trump fiasco is getting totally ridiculous now, We have gone from the small shock, to a large shock over it, to a great concern now. STop and think what is happening here and what has been found now.

Here we have the only President in American History, to be Impeached twice in one term, an Election loser and denier, who set up an attack and insurrection against his own Administration and still people back him, why? Why would anyone back such a person?

On top of all of the above, he leaves office, refuses to concede, and takes with him, secret government documents to his personal estate in Mar A Lago, in Florida! We are not talking one sheet of paper here, we are talking hundreds of papers, marked clearly secret or above and hides them. Why, what for, did he take them? No it is not for his Presidential Library, no it is not to write a book, whatever excuse he gives is a lie. In the end he knew the laws, he admits to knowing the laws regarding classified documents and secrets, yet he took the documents anyway? Let me say this, this is a man who is full grown here, an adult, who knows right from wrong, and he did this anyway?

My main question for The Justice Department, The Attorney General and even The current President of The United States Joe Biden is a simple one, Why is Donald J. Trump still not indicted, charged and convicts and locked up? If this was any other American citizen we would be locked up and the key thrown away by now, and faster then you can say the word jail. Explain to me why, Donald J. Trump is still a free man!

I remind the Justice Department, The FBI, and all involved, a woman who took one sheet of paper home marked secret, got locked away for five years, Trump took 35 boxes of documents and is still free, what is wrong with this picture? So, I thought Justice applies to all Americans, and no one can run from the laws correct? Then why is Donald J. Trump not in a jail cell an din an orange jumpsuit by now?

Each day more information is released about what Trump took and how The FBI and the Justice Department, first asked for the documents back, then had to subpoena for the documents back, and got partial back that way, and then now had to go in with a search warrant to get the rest back. A total of 35 boxes of government documents belonging to the people were taken by Trump and he is still free to run for President again? What kind of bullshit is this here? Am I the only concerned citizen here in America, over all of this?

Now let me say this, no there is no Executive Privilege involved here, no Ex-President has that. No he could not have a standing order declassifying all documents he wanted to, does not happen that way folks. No, I doubt very much if a Judge of any kind will allow him to have a Master review the evidence at this stage, he had more than two weeks since it was taken and it has already been seen by FBI Agents. So, that will be out of the question here also.

Each day, it gets worse and worse for Donald J. Trump and those in his Republican Party who defend and protect him. What will Senator Graham say, when they force him to testify in Georgia or when they arrest him for assisting in espionage and take him away too. What about all of the people who went to Washington on January 6th and did as Trump told him to do and stormed the capital and damaged it and threatened the lives of members of congress, who are now convicted felons due to Trump? How happy are they now serving prison terms and losing the right to vote now? How many more people will be harmed, damaged, have their lives ruined?

I can honestly say, this to all Americans, white, black, hispanic, oriental what ever race, creed or color you may be, if you took one sheet of paper marked Secret that belonged to the American Government, where do you think you would be right now, if caught? Behind bars, in a jumpsuit and serving time is where! Wake up America, Trump needs, indicted, arrested, charged, booked, put on trial and convicted! What do you think he was going to do with Secret to Top Secret Documents he had in his possession for almost two years? Why did he take them and who wa she going to show them to for what reason? You tell me! Please!!

The Trump fiasco, started the day he rode down his escalator in Trump Tower and announced he was running for President and it hasn’t ended since. We need to end this now, Trump must be banned from running for any public office or position in America. Congress can do this, The House or Senate or both should do it together, for the good of The Constitution, the Good of The Republic and The Good of America and it’s people! It’s time to show that no man or woman, is above the laws of this land!

August 19th, 2022, as I watch the news, everywhere you look is Trump problems. Trump Org, Trump Insurrection, Trump search of Mar a Lago. Trump says this, Trump says that, this person associated with Trump is in front of a Grand Jury, that person is being questioned who was in his Administration. Now I ask you why this is so?

We are now on our 46th President in Joe Biden. IN all 46 Presidents what other President than Trump was Impeached twice in one term? What other President refused to concede the Presidential race he lost? What President wouldn’t let his taxes be seen? What President walked out of the White House and took 35 boxes of paperwork and other items to his own estate and refused to acknowledge what his own advisors told him, when they said it belongs to the people and told them, It’s not theirs, it is mine!. What other President has been served with search warrants? What other President lies so boldly?

Look, I don’t care what anyone says, whether a Trumper, or not, Trump has brought nothing but discord, racism, nastiness and violence to the American people. His performance sucked as a President period. He failed with Putin, he failed in North Korea and looked like an ass in both places and instances. Then, others say well he built the wall between us and Mexico, nope failed again folks, 600 miles of fence and never finished. Then I hear, the line well he passed a tax plan for us, no he didn’t, that tax plan gave breaks to himself and other rich people only. Sad. He has failed at so many things it is crazy folks.

So why do people follow him, easy, it is racism, it is prejudice, discrimination and more. It is hate mongering! This man stood on an airport runway and pointed out one black man who was there and said there is my black me. Are you kidding me he got away with that shit! He talked about how he can grab any woman he wants in any way he wants and they will let him. He even said he could shoot someone on the street and still they would vote for him! Does anyone remember those lines and instances?

Listen, you can say what you want regarding what I am about to say, the end of this discussion is simple. If you believe in Trump and don’t realize what he has done to America is wrong, then you need to get your head examined! This man failed at so many things and then still became President, yet since it has gotten worse.

No President has accomplished such a criminal record as a President and ex-President. I am watching as Trump supporters who went to his Jan. 6th Rally and Insurrection are now in prison behind bars for what they did. Serving sentences of up to 10 years in some cases, while Donald J. Trump sits at home and laughs at them. Go ask those in jail who did as he asked on Jan. 6th, if they like the fact of serving time and becoming a felon, because Trump told them to do something! Ask Trump if he is going to pay for the damages he did with these people to our capital and why we must pay to have it repaired and he doesn’t?

For the current situation, lets ask Trump, why, he had these 35 boxes of documents and other items? What was he going to do with 11 sets of classified secret documents and why didn’t he return them when asked to? What is he hiding about having said documents? He can cry about being searched all he wants, he is not above the law. No man or woman in America is above the law, we have laws for a reason. He wants to attack the Justice Department and The FBI for doing the Search, they are just doing their jobs, back off.

The Judge says he wants to open the affidavit to the public and show us all he can. As he does he should consider the legal cases involved, the FBI Agents involved, the witnesses and all other cases attached to this action. Is it right Your Honor to put FBI Agents, Police, witnesses in direct danger, if you believe that is the case, recuse yourself from this. If you believe in Justice and holding all accountable for the laws they have broken like any citizen would be, then lets do so and protect the innocent, the FBI and Justice and police enforcement also. You release the affidavit, it will be redacted big time and probably will make no sense to the American People. It will actually point the finger at the accused in this case more than anything else. So go ahead.

The problem that exists here all started when Trump started and held his insurrection on January 6th, 2021. So Your honor, stop and think of something before you release anymore.ump doing with these documents, why did he have them and what was he going to use them for? Why did he refuse to return them to the Government when told to? If an average American citizen, took secret documents home and refused to return them, we would be arrested, in jail, without bail and convicted in days. We would be serving years over one document, why isn’t Donald J. Trump?

The mess of the Trump, Maga, people and Trump himself is getting very dangerous for all Americans. Too many times I have heard how great Donald Trump is by Trump Supporters who really have no idea what he has done.

So let me put this forward for all to understand at this point in time. First Trump had four years one term as President to complete or do what he thought he could. He failed at all he touched, The only thing Trump passed was a Tax Bill that favored rich people like himself. No he did not build the wall between us and Mexico and get it done. He failed.

Now, he loses the 2020 election, and sets up an insurrection against his own Government and country, then yells and screams it was stolen. lies in all ways no one stole the election folks, he lost it period. He lost by the same exact margin Clinton lost to him the numbers are the same and he lost the electoral as well as the popular votes.

He leaves in a huff and in anger, and now we find out he has secret documents in his Mar A Lago Estate and home, two years after he left office. Whats his purpose or reason for having them, and what was he going to do with them is my first question. Second question each excuse he give for having them is worse than the last one and they all fall through none are worth a damn word he is saying. SO just tell me why he had the documents in the first place and what he wanted them for and his intentions with them were.

We are not talking a single document marked secret here we are talking 11 sets of documents and 33 boxes of Federal Paers belonging to the American People. explain please! There is no explanation for having them in the first place, secondly he had a chance to return them, said he did and didn’t and he had a lawyer sign saying there were no more in his possession. Here is a sad fact for all to see and hear loud and clear. As Trump sits in his homes and watches this all on television, those who followed him on January 6th, are now going to prison and becoming felons at a great rate now. Go ask them how they feel now, that they have to serve time behind bars and are felons who can’t vote anymore.

No man or woman in America is beyond the reach of the law and that includes Ex-Presidents folks. All of us are equal under the law. You can’t incite violence, steal secret documents and get away with it, no one should. I remind all one woman took one secret document home and got caught, and had to serve a five year sentence for doing so. So how many years should Trump get for 11 sets of documents he took, 5 x 11 folks, equals 55 years at minimum in my mind.

Trump needs, indicted, charged and put on trial for the whole world to see. Is he going to be allowed to walk free after breaking all these laws and what was he doing with the documents? If Trump is not indicted, charged or put on trial at least, it will set a precedent beyond measure and tell all Americans ex-presidents are above the laws of the land. No one is above the laws folks no one, try Trump!

No way in hell, should Trump ever be anywhere near the White House or any political office ever again in America. He should lose his benefits he got from being President also. Why should we pay a man who is breaking the laws, inciting violence in America, and, take care ,of him, he doesn’t care about us. Look, if you took documents, I can bet you, you would have been arrested, indicted, tried and convicted and in an orange jumpsuit right now, why isn’t Donald J. Trump? Is it right that he is walking free and doing as he pleases, while those he incited and led and told to attack our captial and who did his bidding are now serving time behind bars? Should he be with them? I think so.

Lock Trump Up, Lock Trump Up, Lock him up, now!

August 15th, 2022, I awoke once more at 4:30 am today. back aching, trouble breathing and more. I used to be one of the healthiest people I know and I still try to walk 3 miles a day. Yet as I age my health goes slowly down the tubes. My problems multiply and my mental status I have even begun to question at times. My emotional condition is up and down since my wife died in 2021, I go from normal to depressed in a flick of a switch. Pills won’t help me, I have had them before, if anything, they would make me want to end my life if I took them, for they tend to take away my feeling anything.

These days I walk my 3 miles a day if I can and if possible. The walking and fresh air is good for me Then I come home to clean what I can in my condo, and do what laundry I have if needed. Next step in my day is the morning news on television, as i watch the Russians and Ukrainians in their war, China in their anger and then we Americans struggling internally with out own political upheavals and mess caused by an Ex-President who should never have been elected in the first place. People die in accidents, stars pass away from Television and movies and more. Authors get attacked for what they write, why? It is what I was told as a kid, and it applies more today than ever before a dog-eat- dog world. Gas and fuel prices rise, electric prices rise, food costs go up and medical expenses are a killer for everyone. Nothing is cheap, yet we seniors and handicapped are strapped with limited income. No one really cares what happens to the disabled or elderly, they are too busy trying to keep going themselves.

Personally I know at 66 years old many tell me I am in good shape, but they know not all that is wrong with me. MY physical, dental and mental health are no where what they appear to be for sure. You learn as you age, to hide things, to deal with them as they come up and that complaining won’t help you in any way. You can scream, shout, bitch, moan and complain till your blue in the face, people just look and go there he or she goes again and carry-on. They do not care, if you don’t get off your own ass and help yourself, no one will.

Not all people will help a dying loved one or family member either. The same problem exists on that front too, for they have their own problems to care about, their own bills to pay, their own children and grandchildren to take care of, or as some do, their friends are more important than anything to them. I know I lived through seeing it growing up, adults believing their friends are more important than their children or families they made. Happens, some people feel that way and only do what they do, without realizing what they are doing wrong. Some never learn that no matter how you argue, fight, yell, scream between family members you are still family and family should always come first. We are not all blessed with common sense, and logic are we?

I am one for helping family first and friends second. Yet, even family members get to a point where tyhey think everything should be handed to them on a platter, won’t happen folks. I don’t mind giving a family member a meal, or helping them by giving them a place to stay for a while. I do mind when they expect you to let them do as they please and expect you to feed them everyday. I am disabled, old and not healthy, I can give ya a room to live in but I can’t feed you! The Elderly and disabled are on budgets, folks, family or not, don’t try to take advantage of us please, we do get mad. We have to survive and your not going to feed us or clothes us or house us, so we end up on Social Security, disability payments and we struggle with costs. Wake up ok!

Next subject the political problems in America increased the day Donald J. Trump came down his escalator in Trump Tower and declared he was running for President. He is predijuced, discriminating, a their and liar and cheater. You want proof, just go ask the contractors who worked for him in is business. They got pennies on the dollar for what they did, including materials. He cheated on his taxes, he cheats in anyway he can, to keep money, including when he ran up his tax plan in Office, he did it niot for the average American, me and you, but for himself and his rich cronies.

Sadly, too many thought the tax plan was for all it wasn’t. Then I hear, well he built the wall, no he didnt. He failed at building it. And we didn’t need it anyway, never have, that is what the Border Patrol is for and Immigration Officers. Look America is built on immigrants we all know it, we all came from somewhere else, ask around. He brought hate and fear and anger to America and it’s politics and people is what he did. He called for and got an Insurrection against hois own government while in Office. He cries the election was stolen it never was. Now, he is caught harboring and hiding classified documents in Mar A Lago at his estate in Florida. For what reason, first no way he can wave a wand and make them all declassified folks, second what did he want with them, third why didn’t he return them? What purpose did Donald J. Trump have, for having these documents?

Then we now hear, the Justice department is attacking Trump, it’s a democratic attack on him, bullshit. The Justice Department is doing their job folks, he has no business with these documents in his possession period. What is the reason for having them or removing them from Washington? No excuse is given that make any sense, except he planned on using them for some purpose. Why else have and hide and hold them?

The Trump mess and scandals and problems will continue to come out. They wil continue for as long as we have, these so called Trump lovers and supporters who are blind and who have been conned by Trump so well into believing him. The Justice Department is doing it’s job, reveal all the information, indict Donald J. Trump, charge him, arrest him and try him in a court of law. Let the American people see the evidence during the trial, televise it all, and lets see him defend having the documents and information he had.

Let me remind all, there was one woman, who took one secret document home, to study it for her job and got caught she got five years and, hit with a felony. The Rosenberg’s, were executed for trading information with the Russians for less evidence. If we go the simpler route, then we have 11 counts of stolen documents from a federal office, at 5 years per charge if proven of course then Donald J. Trump should be given a 55 year sentence, 5 years per document. Think about that folks!

Ok, the weather is nice today outside, the air is fresh and the cooling weather is coming slowly to Massachusetts here on the east coast USA. Soon enough the winter will come once more. Gas prices are up, fuel prices are up, electric prices are up and food prices too. Will, America survive and how many elderly and disabled people will freeze or starve to death this winter of 2022? How many will die from cancer or other diseases because they can’t afford medicines or hospital visits?’ What will become of the once Proud America we all knew and loved when I grew up in the 50’s and sixties?

August 10, 2022, Today is the one year anniversary of my wife Melinda passing. It has hit me hard from the moment I awoke this am and has weighed heavily on my mind and heart. I miss her dearly, her laughter, her questioning things, her open communication, her knowledge, her caring and love. I miss her in many ways, I miss cooking for her, caring her her, driving her where she needed to go, and even going to get her prescriptions and knowing she needed me. It’s the little things in life and relationships that count. That tender smile, that little touch. small things I miss the most.

I have been trying to live my life without her and it is not easy, and the memories flood my mind daily. One moment I am fine and doing ok, the next moment I enter depression and hate myself for being alive and the fact she is not with me. My health goes up and down, physically and mentally over it all. I have lost 30 pounds since her death, and my pants didn’t fit me anymore. I try to walk and keep my mind busy if i can, and I barely see anyone these days unless I have to. I may go to the store, or doctor, but that has really been it. I am told I am crazy and nuts because i get upset easy, and I yell at people now and then. Little things get me and I just go off, my self-control is shot, especially on this day in question. I wish sometimes, I could handle pressure the way I used to, or I could put up with bullshit more, but I can’t these days it seems. My nerves are shot, my emotions go up and down, and I go off. Sadly, it happens and I say things I shouldn’t and people get upset, mad and angry with me. I just can’t handle people these days anymore. Will I ever overcome it all and be able to live a normal life again, I doubt it. In the end, I know for me, my life is really over, I wake each day, but I just go thru the motions I need to. I have no drive, no motivation, no care at all these days. It is like walking around in a cloud or fog, just doing whatever, to get through it all. I really have no drive to stay alive, I just want it all to end soon, so I can join my wife who passed. I know people will say I have a lot to live for, I am still young and should have fun, guess what, everyday is the same, it is called monetary, and boring. It’s a sad way to live if you get my drift.

Used to be I had things to do, a home to care for, a wife to take care of, I even had children at one time with my first wife. All I lived for was to make them money and buy them what they needed and to keep them happy and healthy. Now it is all gone, and i live in a 956 Sq Ft condo, and am bored to death each day. I talk to myself, or the walls or tv, I walk and walk. My life has no purpose for me anymore, it is sad for sure. And I do know it, but, I do not have the motivation or drive to change it. I have surrendered to it all, and I basically can’t handle much anymore.

I have thought of suicide many times, lately, for what purpose is life if you have no one to share it with, or any motivation to go out and live it. As I told someone recently, at some point, they will find me in this condo, at least my body, and that is the end of my life as I see it coming. Inevitably we all pass don’t we? I am just waiting for my time to come.

I have seen many things in 66 years of life, many people and relationships and how they start ,end and how they go as far as interaction between couples. People break up for different reasons, I understand that I do. I also understand how because of those circumstances, one or both parties need help to get back on their feet once more. for one half or the other it is more difficult Each one is different and sometimes, I understand the emotional turmoil it causes one or both. So , I have tried extremely hard to stay out of any break-ups period.

I know, the couple I speak of helped me when my wife died and I appreciate all they did ,taking me in. Yet I did pay my way, and in the end i stayed out of both of their ways the best I could. Now, I am being told or it is being insinuated I did somethings, wrong while in their home, I don’t see that at all. Yet that is what is getting told to me, these days. If i did anything wrong in their home, I can’t recall it, that is for sure. if I did it was not intentional.

That is something I guess, if I am wrong and did do something wrong, I don’ remember it. Put that aside as it is, the break-up of the two of these people, is a show all have watched now, from April ,till now. And i do mean all, all the friends of both of them have been watching, and enjoying the show they have put on. I have tried to help my half of said relationship out in any way I can, but, I am disabled, a bad back, I have PTSD, and more to consider.

Ok I can do only so much at my age and in my physical and mental conditions. That is the first thing, the second thing is like others I have phobias also and more. So I get upset at small things that happen. I am not this perfect brother or man my sister puts out there folks so you know, I am human and I have complaints and issues of my own to deal with daily. I make mistakes, I get upset, and I say many things, but that’s life also. I will never say I am perfect and never have, so all know.

Now, I watched this break-up as it happened, I was there in their home when it started and I will tell you this, one of the two was an all out phony and still is till today months later. What bothers me about this whole show is it needs to end, yet it is still being talked about on both ends. I tire of hearing how he did this, he did that, he is doing this and he is doing that. I tell my sister, ignore it, let him go, don’t worry, what he does, or says, or who he is with. Sadly, she doesn’t understand that. She is constantly bringing him up and talking to people on her phone about it daily. The situation isn’t good here either due to the fact, there is now, two of us living in a small condo. SO I overhear all she says, and does, and it gets on my nerves daily. There is no escaping it at all. On top of it all she has one lifestyle and I, a different one, so we get on one another’s nerves and fight. I didn’t buy a condo for myself, to have her come in and take it over in every way she can, while she stays here. Yet it happens, it’s what women do. I understand that, but it upsets me.

Now, as far as her ex goes, he is a narcissistic man who will never admit wrong doing or accept responsibility for what he started and caused here. He has tried to blame me for the break-up, two of her friends too and more, and he never admits a thing of what he did wrong. Sadly, it is just a fact he was wrong. As I said to my sister, what is a 62 year old man doing, getting showered , shaved and dressed up decently and putting gel in his hair and cologne on, and going out at 7 pm every night? And not coming home till 1 to 1;30 am hmm.

So he decided to blame me for his actions and ghosted me until he told me to leave the house once i secured my condo. I left as he asked of course as fast as I could. Then my sister breaks up with him, because I asked the right question, and she found out he was out having fun with other women and more. Her friends told her the same, his friends told her the same and they sent pics and videos of him doing so to her cell phone, lol. No one is to blame for the break up other then him period. Sadly, it cost him a million dollar home, and a 13 year relationship and he gave it all up to go out with a woman, who is only 34 years old. He is still with her the last I know of anyway.

The woman believes he is rich because he sold the million dollar home, the fact is he isn’t. He has bills to pay, and his fortune is not what she thinks. He is basically struggling to survive, yet putting on a good show to keep the younger woman with him. In the end the real question is how long does he really think a 34 year old woman will stick around a 62 year old man, when he runs out of money and Viagra? Good question right, I think so.

As I tried to tell my sister, let it go, he is gone now, the house is gone and the money has been split between you where it should be, with you getting the most. Now I understand the emotional trauma here and the circumstances, and mine was slightly different, my wife died. Death is a separation you can’t blame on anyone. So, it is different for sure.

I think both sides need to pay what they owe and move on. No more pointing fingers at one another, no more lying about who paid for what or how they did so, or who bought what for whom or how. The relationship is over, let it go.

How to live with my sister is another thing actually. Women take over homes, they do what they want and don’t stop to consider a thing. She came in and took over the room I gave her yes, that is fine, then she took over half of my bathroom and shelves, then my cabinets in the kitchen and refrigerator. She is now everywhere. She took over my seat on my couch and covered it with sheets for her dog. Then her dog stays with her, and takes up more room on the couch and I have to sit in the opposite end crowded in. I said nothing and let it happen. Then I got her feet coming at me as I sat down, I got upset, she is constantly on her phone as I try to watch tv at night, no thought to the fact she is disturbing me with a thing. Then she goes out, leaves her dog here and I have no choice but to walk him so he doesn’t do his business in my condo. If I wanted a dog I would have bought one myself, it is the exact reason why I didn’t want one, I don’t want to take care of one.

Sometimes when your my age 66, you take naps during the day, I did so today, As I did, I was awakened by her and her dog coming home. I was also trying to watch a movie today, when she decided to listen to and watch a Tony Robbins Session on her computer, and interfered so I couldn’t hear my movie. I got upset and walked out of my own home so I didn’t argue with her over it. I stayed walking around outside for a while and came back home to see her leaving again, and no dog with her. Of course she can’t take the dog with her she says, so she said she fed him and I don’t need to do a thing for him is what she said. She asked what my problem was when I tried to explain it all, of course the first thing is out of her mouth she is gonna look for a place to move as soon as she can. I don’t care if she stays, but she needs to realize she is being inconsiderate and not paying attention to what she is doing here. This is not her over 4,000 square foot house she had or the one I had with my wife either. I bought a condo that is 956 square feet period. IT’s tight and close and we have to be considerate of each other here.

IT’s been two weeks now that she has been here, she claims I go after her daily on these things, but I don’t. She is going through a trauma I know it with all she lost, I have been going through one too, after my wife’s death. It’s hard, for both of us, I know that and we need to acknowledge it on both sides. I try to advise her when I can, and try to go out of my way not to do so in anger. I don’t think she gets it at all, she is so busy doing her thing she doesn’t slow down at all.

In the end, the relationship she was in went bad and ended, I get it I do. I lost a wife, I get that too. The hard part here is simple how do we survive and not ruin our relationship as brother and sister now? I love my sister dearly, I do. So, what is the solution here? Open communication, in normal voices would help.

Anyway, as all this is happening, my health is not getting any better. Something has happened to me today, something popped or something in my area on the left hand side of my neck. it feels like a muscle or something gave, or worse. The left side of my head feels like a liquid pulse is there. It feels like something let go or passed thru my veins there. My neck feels different as does my head, I am light headed on the left side now. What it is I do not know now, but I do know, if it persists, I may need to get to a hospital soon. I am hoping it is a muscle that just released or something simple but I am not sure now. Time shall tell. I know I have had minor heart problems and blood pressure problems too. What happens next I do not know, but, I know I am 66, and no spring chicken anymore.

Should I go to the Hospital, or not is now my question? Maybe I should call them and ask what I should do?

Hello, July 27th, 2022, a new day has dawned and it is 6;15 am here. Each day, my life seems to be getting worse for me. It doesn’t matter, what I do or how I do it, mentally and emotionally, my living is a burden on me in one way or another.

Physically, my health is not good either, my back is misaligned and I am in pain ,always. Then, I have to deal with taking my pills each day to survive diabetes, high blood pressure and such. Mentally, my mind wanders at times, and I am actually isolated from the world, even though, it doesn’t look it to others. I don’t associate with anyone at all and I actually am tired of trying to. I tend to avoid people as much as humanly possible, and I am constantly angry. Why, I am not sure, it just is.

Last night, I went to bed upset, and three times I stopped breathing and jolted awake in my bed. My whole body jumped, before I came to realize, I had forgot, to use my c-pap machine. Then it took me a good hour to finally establish breathing properly before I fell asleep. I average only 4 and a half to 5 hours sleep per night now, too. My PTSD kicks in and I go off on tangents and argue for no real reason it seems nowadays. The condition is worsening as I get older, memories of my childhood, the beatings I took, come back to me as nightmares and then I add in my military ones and wham, I am all messed up. Sadly, I doubt there is anyway to fix me, or anything I can do to change what is happening to me.

Time continues to fly by for me, and I am closing in on the first anniversary of my wife’s death, on August 10th. It weighs on my mind, even though I know I did all I could for her. I miss her companionship, her honesty, her advice, her love and caring and all of our open communication we always had. I am old now, 66 is no spring chicken anymore, I feel it in my bones and body and in my mind and spirit. Some keep telling me I am still young, the facts are the facts though, I know how old I feel and the aches and pains I feel as well as the mental leaps I have to make to keep going in this life. I struggle to do so, in every way, to such a point small things bother me, and I go off on people I shouldn’t.

I tire of the constant struggle to survive, to even breathe anymore. At times I have to stop and remember to breathe. What do I do all day I am asked, I clean my condo, I walk, I build puzzles, I write on computers, I read, at times play video games, and hide. I can’t stand large crowds, and I can’t stand people who are arrogant, angry, foolish or just in any way, play adolescent,in anyway. I hate liars, thieves, and con men and women. Don’t bullshit me, I hate it.

I lived to 66 and I know it has been a long life for me now, my parents died respectfully at 55, and 59 years old cancer victims. MY wife died a cancer victim too last year. I have had lung cancer also, in 2013. I have sen it, been through it and I hate that it happens to anyone. yet here I sit, alive and have no reason to be, when those have had more to live for then me died at younger ages. Why? The only family member I know on my side, who outlived me was my paternal grandfather, I am told he lived into his 90s.

What my purpose is in being here i do not know, nor am I finding a reason for being here on my own. I know many say, we are all put here for a reason, what that is in my case i have absolutely no idea and never have. Aging is not a great process to go through, nor is the losing of ones mental facilities in any way. Slowly memories start to fade on you. My Aunt died of Alzheimer’s, at 80 years old a while back, I just hope I not, go the same way, it is not a good way to go. Do I fear death or dying? I don’t think so folks. I think in the end, we all can only do so much in life and accomplish only what the good Lord wishes us to, and then carry on and go back to him. We are sent here, to complete some mission, what it is precisely we shall never know, but when we do, I believe we get called back to his side. The grave is not the end of us, except here on earth, we return to whence we came from, to await a new destiny we have no idea of. That’s my belief and feelings as of today.

I have already set up my Trust and my Will is in it. That was done years ago. My burial will be done I am sure by the Military, I served Honorably for 16 years in three branches. And my burial plot is paid for next to my wife’s. I just want peace and to die without intense pain, physically or mentally. Is that asking for too much ?

Monday has arrived ! It is now July 25th, 2022, slowly time ticks on for me, and it is now getting closer to the date of my wife’s passing last August of 2021.

Some will ask how I am doing these days let me describe it for you. I wake up in pain from my back injuries and pain in my stomach area I wake up angry at being alive each day. I am asked, why I am always so angry, well between, my loss of my wife, loneliness, pain each day, I get angry just thinking of why the hell am I, existing these days?

I wake and stumble from bed and fall on the floor, trying to stand up straight half the time, in pain. Then I get dressed slowly and carefully, so my back won’t go or hurt worse than it does. What is planned for the day i am asked, well let me tell you nothing! I have nothing planned each day and I just do nothing, except walk, watch tv, play x-box or on a computer for chats. My life is boring, and I have no social contacts at all here where I live, except for playing pool once a week.

What do I have to look forward to, daily. Actually nothing, there is no one, nothing to do except walk and watch the world go by for me. I don’t want a dog or a cat for a pet they cost to keep alive and care for. They need walking and cleaning up, after daily, and it hurts me to bend and walk.

I go shopping as needed for food, and if I have a Doctor appointment I go as needed. My life is just that mundane, it isn’t a life really, it’s survival and existence only. Am I lying or saying something wrong, no I am not. My life is running towards it’s ending at a fast pace and I know it. I actually have nothing to say to anyone these days, I have no involvement in anyone else’s life, and my own is just that boring.

Do I have a hobby or do I volunteer for anything no, I am too angry for that. So I read old books, build puzzles and watch tv and play video games. I exist, I am alive but barely. I wish I wasn’t alive, many times each day I wake up. I miss my wife, and the life we had, we had companionship, we had communication, we had loyalty and it was a relationship of caring for one another and spending time with one another.

What kills a person is isolation, loneliness, no social interactions, and in the end that eats at one’s mind and soul. I have basically surrendered at 66 years old to what awaits me and what awaits all mankind at one point or another, death. I honestly can say, I have nothing to live for these days, the inevitable outcome stares me in the face every day. The only consolation I have is I shall be buried next to the woman I loved. AT least I know where she is and that I can join her when I go. Life goes on around me, and I do not have the will or want to join in anymore. It’s just a fact for me, and I have grown to accept it as so. So, as stated in many books and many movies across the world we live in, this must be what the death spiral is and feels like! At least in my mind it does!

Ok, time to speak of thing to come, time to think of things undone.

Time to speak of dreams big and small.

It is a time to go, I did not do this and should after all.

I had dreams of travel,

Dreams of fun times and loves I left behind,

Time has moved on it seems,

Is fate just so mean?

That all we have is our dream?

There comes a time in life you see,

When we grow older and still love to be free.

We dream of what we could have done and what we would have loved to be,

As we move along toward or en, we think of things we wanted to do,

It could be something simple like saying I love you,

It could be admitting to someone, that you cared, but didn’t tell them at all,

In the end, the pleasure of just telling them is big and it is something once admitted, you can not renege on.

I am glad I said what I had to, to those I cared most about,

For as time goes on, it does run out,

They need to know my real feelings, it’s all about the life we are living. And it is only right.

So, as we move on in age, and we turn each page, at least for me, I did what was right,

I hope you see.